I've going through the same and the reason why I joined this blog is to talk about my feelings with complete strangers who will not judge me.
1. I dont see the need for a wedding. I love my boyfriend, with whom I have been living together for the last 2 years. I want to be with him but I dont see the need of spending huge amounts of money (which we dont have). I'd rather save for other things as the mortgage of a house or a nice trip. What is really going to change besides the rings on our fingers? Nothing, our daily lives will be just like they are now! I would have liked to get married before, when it was really starting a life together now I dont understand why it has to be such a big thing...
2. My opinion doesn't count. My bf and are both foreigners in this country. In 2 years time, we will hopefully move to my country but in the meantime we are geographically closer to his family than to mine. Hence his mom has been planning everything. Fair enough. What I dont like is that she plans the wedding according to her likes, her dreams, her ideas, her style her everything. When I am asked my opinion and I differ from hers we start a battle. I feel so uncomfortable. My bf tries to please us both but somehow he wants to make his family happy because he is the only child. I told him that I would let them do what they want and that I will only show on the wedding day looking nice but he didnt like it.
3. Our relation has turned very tense since the wedding planning started. As I am not really a wedding fanatic, I find all the wedding plans unnecessary. But my bf kind of wants a bride who is crazy about wedding stuff. I also get stressed because my work contract will end in less than 1 year and I dont know how times will be after I dont have any income. I do have some savings, he has a good job, but I just feel irresponsible spending into showing off a supposed wealth.
4. I will be surrounded by strangers. Most of the potential guests are strangers to me. Only my parents and siblings can make it to the wedding. Some friends may also be there but mostof the guests I will be meeting the first time. I dont understand the language, I will need subtitles to my wedding and that makes me feel quite weird.
5. I asked my bf to go the civil office and sign. What is important to me is to be married, not an expensive party, but he doesnt want to. He said he'd feel ridiculous and he would disappoint loads of people. I feel he wants a wedding only to attach to social conventions and that to him it matters most what they want rather than what I want.
I think it will be either his way or no wedding at all.
As for today the wedding is in stand by. We have only bought the rings and my dress and shoes.
I feel quite sad about this, but I dont think I would feel happy doing something I dont want to do and that makes me very stressed and uncomfortable.

AmyT - as evidenced by your thread, you are not a freak. (BTW I did have a wedding, but I also understand not wanting one.)

That said, if you think your parents will want you to get married in TN, then I suggest not accepting or expecting their contribution. (As you said you want to get married in GA.)

I was just at a wedding this past weekend, where the couple got married at a park, I'm not even sure they had to pay for the use, and a friend officiated. There was a potluck reception (which I don't recommend only because of organization/travel issues and someone always shelling out more money because no food is there and trying to fix it) - but we had a great time and were there to celebrate their wedding.

My point, things can be low key. I had other friends who got married in New Orleans (they are in VA) - it was just them and the officiant and his wife as witness. They had a photographer do pics beforehand - they were gorgeous.

My biggest suggestion - make sure whatever you do is special. Even if you go to the JOP, do pics with a photog in a park beforehand, dress up - make it special.

I am dying to hear what people have ended up doing and if it worked or helped at all. Everything I'm reading are my sentiments exactly!!! If it were up to me, we would be following our plan and running away to Belize, getting married at the top of a Mayan temple, spend a month in South America and then come back to have a huge party. That has been our plan for the past 3 years, just had been waiting on the right time. (In my mind, that was the perfect way to go since I really didn't want any fuss made about it, but at least we could have something intimate and just about us and then have a party...) Instead, his mother wants to be there for it, and last year she was in a terrible accident and suffered several injuries. Now, all she wants in the world is to …. Drumroll… see us get married, AND is paying for it all. UGH. So we basically have to. She wants a big dress, but I bought a tea length dress anyway. She wants a huge cake, I don’t even like cake. I don’t want to spend money on a wedding in the first place and I feel extra bad about spending her money on things that I really don’t want. I’ve always said that I want to BE married I just don’t want to GET married, and this is my ultimate punishment and worst case scenario. My fiance wants to make her happy, but it is KILLING me in the process and he basically thinks I'm being unreasonable for not wanting a wedding. I also don't want to go into a marriage offending the in-laws and making a terrible lasting impression. I just don't know what the best compromise would be. I’m trying everything in my power to go with it and just suffer through a wedding so that I can actually be married, but I am seriously having anxiety attacks and crying on a daily basis.

Dear Clem,

Stand your ground. I'm behind you 100%.

Get married at the beach in Hawaii in your navy blue dress. Go for it.

It's good that you want to consider the various situations of your parents, but there is a limit. It's not your fault you are an only child. Do what you want to do, but extend a reasonable amount of consideration to your parents.

I really felt like I should join a support group.
My fiancee REALLY wants a wedding, the thing is that he has been married before and went deep into debt because of it. I havent been married before, but I've never been the "big wedding" type of girl.
He is the Navy (that is where we met) and we have to get married before he transfers in about 6 months. After getting out of the Navy, I havent been able to find a job and until he transfers, I wont be able to use my GI Bill to help with any expenses.
I have no interest in planning a wedding, I found a nice dress and want to go small. The problem is that we are from traditionally hispanic families who believe in HUUUGE weddings and a minimum of 300 guests... YEAH... not going to happen. I am also the only daughter in my family and he doesn't have any sisters so this is his and my mom's dream to spend and plan and do all sorts of silly girl things. I dont know how I am going to be able to compromise with both of our families... I need help!

Wow. I can't believe how many girls are in the same boat I was. My grandmother eloped and I remember her saying once how much she enjoyed weddings b/c she never got one of her own. So, I was determined to have a wedding - even if it killed me - b/c I didn't want to regret not having one. Like you, RCC, I'm terrified of public speaking and being the center of attention. That was the part I was dreading the most. And there were a few things that made planning quite stressful. The wedding is now over and I'm glad I had it. I do remember thinking during the reception that I wished my new hubby and I could dive into the limo and get out of there, but I'm thankful I gave him the wedding he wanted.

There is nothing as relieving as finding a group of people that feel the same way you do...after spending several weeks feeling like you're the weirdest person on Earth!

My fiancé and I had a pretty big fight recently over the fact that I just cannot visualize my wedding. Like a lot of you, I never spent time as a child picture that "perfect day." But, that's the thing. I still want it to be a great day.

From day one (and before that, actually), I have told people I wanted a small wedding. Everyone, including my fiancé, was OK with this idea. And the number one thing everyone told me was, "Just do what you want. Just do whatever makes you happy." In my mind, that was what would make me happy. I always wanted a smaller wedding because I didn't to deal with the anxiety and stress of a big wedding. I hate planning the details, and the more I wedding dress shop, the more I cannot visualize myself in the dress. I actually went dress shopping and tried on many. The one I liked ended up being $800, so no thank you.

Also, it was going to be less expensive. No need to explain that one.

But the other night, I told my fiance, "Look, I have no idea where to start planning this big day, because I can just not picture myself in a traditional wedding." So, I suggested the thought of just eloping or doing something very, very tiny and non traditional.

The fiance, who up to this point has not expressed very many opinions on what he wants, ALL OF A SUDDEN decided my ideas were out of the questions. Now, he wants some big elegant wedding, with a $4,000 reception to follow. Wtf? It came out of left field, and let's just say the night didn't end well.

I hate feeling this way, because obviously the day is not just about me. I want to give him what he wants, but I know I'm going to end up making all the decisions. And that control.. and that pressure to make the decisions that will please everyone involved... is TOO much. Too much so... that I feel like I'm about to pull the plug on all of it.

Am I wrong?

Any advice?

BTW, like I said before, it's really great to know we're all in the same boat. At the end of the day, why put yourself through something that's going to cost a butt-load of money and make you miserable at the same time?

I am so glad I found this post. I will share what happened to me..hopefully not to stress you all out further, but because nobody out there understands that there are actually women who don't want a wedding.

I got married in January this year. I always wanted to elope...I have NEVER EVER dreamt of my wedding, and have never been a "wedding person". I always thought wedding were old-fashioned. I have never wanted to get all dolled up and parade down the aisle in front of everyone. I have never liked being the center of attention. I personally think it's like parading around like a prize cow at a cattle parade. My husband on the other hand, was unwilling to compromise. Not only did he want a huge party as he is a huge party animal and very outgoing, he also wanted to do it as cheaply as possible, meaning that we would have to work really hard. As it turns out, the wedding planning was awful and stressful. I ended up not inviting some of my friends because I wanted to keep the numbers down because too many people were being invited (another aspect that my then fiance refused to compromise on). My family (more specifically my mother, who is my only surviving parent) was completely awful the week before the wedding. Not only had she been the one to say "we will all help", but she turned out to be the trojan horse! The week before, she told me not to ask my brothers for help because they were all on holiday, she also disagreed with me about everything and made herself the huge victim of the situation and refused to help. As a result I was so sad and traumatised on the wedding day. But I had to put on the fakest smile ever. For months afterwards she carried on accusing us (my husband and me) of using her....And this after I paid her flight to come to the wedding and invited all her relatives FOR HER as she wanted the wedding and she didnt even have to pay a cent towards the wedding! What made me the angriest of all is that everybody ignored me when I kept on saying right from the start that I dont want a wedding I want to elope and who is going to help me to do everything?!?! I felt like the wedding was a duty that I had to perform for everybody else and I had to be a fake because I didn't even want to be there. Now I have to continue to be a fake because I can't tell anyone the truth about how I feel about the wedding because it's socially unacceptable!!! WTF?!?!?!

Our relationship got damaged for a while because of the wedding because I ended up resenting my then fiance that I had to do all the stupid wedding shit for everybody else. And afterwards, he was the one who started resenting me because I didnt like the wedding and I don't want to look at the photos! I don't know why he thought it would be nice to have a wedding when the bride to be didnt want a wedding in the first place. And i know many of you might think i should have been more assertive....but believe me I made it very clear! I do realise that he also had a say in the matter, and that is what made it all so difficult because I felt like I had to do it for him becuase he really wanted it. So I do take responsibiltiy for agreeing to it, but I just do not handle stress well and the pressure was too much for me.

Listen up: When a bride to be says she does not want a wedding, then stop pressurising her. Listen. A woman would not lie about something like that.

So all in all: I love my husband very much, he is awesome. Please do not misinterpret this post as me being disloyal to him! I love being married to him. BUT: I wish I had eloped. I will never, ever, again let myself be pushed into something I don't want and do something just because everybody else expects it. It boils down to: what did I really want to spend my hard earned money on - inviting everyone to dinner (i.e. a wedding) or going on a cool trip (i.e. eloping).....and I definitely would have rather had a romantic stress free getaway with the love of my life!

I think if you want a wedding you need one of two things:
Either a lot of money to pay someone to do everything, OR a very supportive network of family and friends who would like to help with the wedding planning without complaining!

Edited by: Hobbes007 on Nov 26, 2011 11:14 AM