Friends' wedding, spouses not invited to rehearsal dinner.. please help

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rasc2011 Posts : 3 Registered: 5/14/09
Friends' wedding, spouses not invited to rehearsal dinner.. please help
Posted: Jul 21, 2011 6:37 PM

My husband's best friend is getting married, and I recently found out that "dates" are not invited to the rehearsal dinner. My husband is in the wedding party and is of course, invited, but I am not. There is more to it, though, and I need advice...

My husband and I recently got married and had been engaged for over a year before the wedding. We sent out save-the-dates a year before the wedding. His best friend (now the groom here) was in the wedding party, and his fiance was invited to everything. We had a destination wedding and expected they would both come. Soon before the wedding date, however, the fiance could not take off of work due to a new job. So, she did not come to the wedding. They did not send a gift, not even a card. Then, when we had a larger party at home for everyone who was not invited to the destination, we had still invited them but again, she did not come (he did not come to that event either).

And now, I am the only spouse of all the people in their bridal party. Everyone else is either single or not engaged/married. Should I be upset?

I want my husband to RSVP no to the rehearsal dinner, but he is needed for the rehearsal. I feel like she is making some kind of statement or just failing to be kind. What should I do?

Thanks for your help!

I

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Friends' wedding, spouses not invited to rehearsal dinner.. please help
Posted: Jul 21, 2011 10:07 PM Go to message in response to: rasc2011

Dear Rasc,

First of all, forget about what happened before. Destination weddings are very problematic because of the cost of attending, not to mention any gift or other expenses. Put the past out of your mind completely.

Now, consider this wedding.

The couple are out of line hosting a male/female event and not inviting spouses or fiancÚ(e)s of their guests. This is very poor etiquette.

However, it is not your place to correct them on their rudeness. All that needs to be done is for your husband to tell them that he will be at the rehearsal, but not the rehearsal dinner. If pressed for a reason, he need only say "My wife and attend such events as a couple." Period.

If they, then, extend an invitation to you, you and your husband can either accept or decline, depending on how you feel about it then. Personally, it doesn't sound like they are all that interested in a long-term friendship with you. It might be a good idea to get through the wedding, then put some distance between them and you.

Just for reference, the rule about inviting established couples is called "No Ring No Bring". At the minimum, it means that spouses and fiancÚ(e) are invited. I also include any same-sex couples who do not have the legal option of marriage. It can be extended to include living-together or seriously dating couples, depending on the budget and inclination of the hosts.

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rasc2011 Posts : 3 Registered: 5/14/09
Re: Friends' wedding, spouses not invited to rehearsal dinner.. please help
Posted: Jul 21, 2011 10:12 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

That is great advice to separate my wedding from this one. I have never felt accepted with my husband's group of guy friends, and I think that I was putting all this together and just feeling not wanted in general, and just pretty sad.

But I think that if other people, looking from an objective perspective, do not see a connection, that it is just my emotions and insecurities getting the best of me.

So, you really think he can RSVP no to the dinner (but still go to the rehearsal)? That is what I would prefer, so I feel like he values me no matter what his friends do, but I am nervous to ask that because I know he will do it but he might feel bad.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Friends' wedding, spouses not invited to rehearsal dinner.. please help
Posted: Jul 21, 2011 11:13 PM Go to message in response to: rasc2011

Dear Rasc,

"So, you really think he can RSVP no to the dinner (but still go to the rehearsal)? That is what I would prefer, so I feel like he values me no matter what his friends do, but I am nervous to ask that because I know he will do it but he might feel bad."

He has to be at the rehearsal. The only alternative to attending the rehearsal is to back down as best man entirely. (Which is actually not a bad idea, if he is really steamed about his wife getting snubbed.)

He has to know where to stand, when to move, what to do and when. That all happens at the rehearsal.

After the rehearsal, he can just say "See you later, folks." and go home. There's no particular need for him to be at the rehearsal dinner.

Some couples want to give attendants their gifts at the rehearsal dinner, or expect short speeches/toasts, etc. In this case, they will have to make other arrangements. Your husband has been invited without his wife and he has decided to decline the invitation. They can give him his gift some other time and get someone else to make a speech.

Seriously, inviting a husband but not a wife to a male/female social event is way out of line. People make all kinds of lame excuses. "We cannot afford 'dates'." "We want only the real wedding party." "We want to keep it small." All bogus.

It would be OK if it was a male-only or female-only event. It would be OK if it was a work-related event. Not OK with a male/female social event.

Finally, I want to make the strong point that the decision to attend or not attend the rehearsal dinner is that of your husband. What I suggest you do is print out this message thread and let him read it. Then, he can make his own decision. If he decides to attend, then it is up to you to make the best of it, cheerfully. Buy a lot of popcorn, get in your jammies and fuzzy slippers, put chick-flick DVDs in the player and pig out.

If he decides not to attend, then buy double the popcorn and get a bunch of DVDs that he likes, wear something sexy, then cuddle together on the couch.

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mrscreamer2be Posts : 153 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: Friends' wedding, spouses not invited to rehearsal dinner.. please help
Posted: Jul 22, 2011 12:16 AM Go to message in response to: rasc2011

I agree that your husband rsvp no to the rehearsal dinner. I think it's in poor taste to not invite spouses to the rehearsal dinner...but I don't know...it may just be me.

Some of my family couldn't attend the rehearsal dinner because I was having a morning wedding and they wanted to rest up. It wasn't a big deal.

The rehearsal dinner is basically a thank you and a courtesy for being in the wedding party and attending the rehearsal.

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rasc2011 Posts : 3 Registered: 5/14/09
Re: Friends' wedding, spouses not invited to rehearsal dinner.. please help
Posted: Jul 22, 2011 12:36 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Thanks. I just want to clarify, I know that he absolutely HAS to attend the rehearsal if he is in the wedding. I just wasn't sure if he could skip the rehearsal dinner.

I took your advice and discussed these posts with him. At first, before I did that, he was angry with me that I was taking it personally and thought he should go. Then, I explained the posts and he seemed to be okay with not going to the dinner. There are times when I wish he would stand up to these guys (he has grown up with them but gets a bit pushed around). I don't want him to resent me for suggesting the possibility of him not going, but I have to let him make the choice.

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