Registry Etiquette

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Pinkbride Posts : 9 Registered: 12/28/10
Registry Etiquette
Posted: Jun 25, 2011 5:40 AM

Hi Everyone,

My fiance and I have just begun planning our wedding and have been engaged for about 6 months. We have been together as a committed couple for 11 years (since my Senior year of high school_; We have been living together for about 9 1/2 years.

My question pertains to our wedding registry; most of our furniture, belongings, dish wear and so forth are hand-me-downs or bargain finds. All of it is old (and was someone else' before it was ours). We are inviting about 120 people to our wedding & I feel a little bit uncomfortable asking them for things as expensive as a kitchen table set, coffee tables, area rugs and so forth. I haven't shared my registry with anyone because I don't know if it is appropriate to ask for these things because of their cost.

Should I just be asking for towels & the like? I have added lots of little inexpensive things to our registry as well to accommodate everyone's budget, and of course I don't really "expect" anyone to send a gift.

The situation really is that we are paying for a hefty chunk of our wedding and all of our honeymoon and we won't be able to buy these things on our own for even longer. I'm just afraid people will think I am rude to ask for such things when my fiance and I have been living together for so long.

Ladies please share your opinions :)

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Jun 25, 2011 9:59 AM Go to message in response to: Pinkbride

Dear Jess,

You're OK. Relax.

A lot of registries allow the couple to buy non-purchased registry items at a discount following the wedding. Thus, many put high-ticket items on their registry just so that later they can buy at a discount. A young friend of mine put an expensive vacuum cleaner on her registry for that very reason.

So long as you have lots of lower-priced items, you are fine.

Just remember the basic rule: You don't proactively tell anyone about the registry. Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

You may respond if anyone asks. It's also OK to respond in some "public" venue like your FB page. Totally OK. Just don't put it in your invitation or go around telling people before they ask. That's rude to someone who may have some other brilliant gift idea.

Finally, gifts are voluntary. Someone with deep pockets who loves you might just spring for that new sofa. You never know.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Jun 25, 2011 10:47 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

I actually did exactly what Aunt was talking about for my Dyson. I figured maybe my ~15 cousins might go in on it or if not, I could use gift cards and hopefully get $ off. I didn't get a 10% off for the registry - I don't think at the time BBB had that offered (they do now) but regardless I got it for 20% off with e coupon. :-) (Though now it's an exception on the coupon.)

You're fine! Also register for towels and sheets. You'll still need those things too! :-)

 

 

 

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HananaBanana Posts : 11 Registered: 3/3/11
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Jun 25, 2011 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

you will get flack on here for them, especially from Aunt- but if you want something that is a bit different, why not do a honeymoon or wish registry?

we are using www.uponourstar.com and found it to be the best for our needs after checking them all out and knowing we could only add so many things to our Brick/Morter registry.   We are using it for more than a honeymoon registry though (you can only have that if you want) but we have more of a universal type registry since we have a lot of bigger house items and not so traditional stuff like tools, drywall, furniture, etc on there as well.  Feel free to ask any questions, now that we are getting close- I have more experience with how it works :) 

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Jun 25, 2011 4:19 PM Go to message in response to: HananaBanana

dear HB,

"you will get flack on here for them, especially from Aunt- but if you want something that is a bit different, why not do a honeymoon or wish registry? "

And the reason why you get flack from me is because a honeymoon registry is a cash registry, no matter how you slice it. You are asking for cash, and receiving only a portion of the cash gifts. That's just plain dumb.

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sweet_jade Posts : 19 Registered: 2/9/11
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Jun 25, 2011 4:53 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

I'd say go ahead and include those items you really want/need. Sometimes folks like to go in together to purchase a larger gift.

Find out if you will receive a discount for items that weren't purchased off the registry.

Also, having attended and/or been part of several weddings over the last few years, I've noticed that smaller gifts tend to be purchased for showers while folks tend to bring an envelope with cash or gift cards to the actual wedding.

Not all folks do this but it's just something I've done and something I've noticed others doing. So, perhaps if you do get a discount from a store for a couch that wasn't purchased from the registry, you can simply use some of the cash gifts you receive to make the larger purchase.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Jun 25, 2011 6:39 PM Go to message in response to: sweet_jade

Dear Jade,

You have it exactly right.

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MegBarnes Posts : 2 Registered: 7/19/11
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Jul 19, 2011 11:14 AM Go to message in response to: Pinkbride

Honestly, whenever I go to other people's weddings, I just look at their registry to see what THEY want. I wouldn't get offended if the couple needed bigger-ticket items, even though I probably wouldn't buy them on my own.

I think there are lots of brides out there who will naysay and think things are "tacky," but the average wedding guest is just happy to be able to celebrate your day with you and won't take offense easily just because of what you've put on your registry!

My FH and I have decided to do a honeymoon registry at www.honeymoonpixie.com, actually. I know there are people who don't agree, but even Emily Post says honeymoon registries are acceptable as long as you follow normal registry etiquette and still have a variety of price ranges going on.

Bottom line: The guests who love you want to get you what you want, and if they have other ideas in mind, they'll just give you something else, regardless of what's on your registry!

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SarahSarah Posts : 93 Registered: 10/9/09
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Jul 19, 2011 4:19 PM Go to message in response to: MegBarnes

I also see no problem with honeymoon registries. I wouldn't have a problem with giving a couple money so they could have a nice vacation - especially couples who live together, already have kids, etc...which is pretty much the norm now.

I saw on one blog a couple that sent pics of the honeymoon w/their thank you cards showing what they did with the money - a picture of the dinner they bought, or their kayak ride, etc.

I fretted about doing a registry also. The only reason I did one is because two aunts offered to throw me a shower, otherwise we wouldn't have even done one. And I only put stuff on that I truly wanted/needed.

I had one good friend not come to my shower because she couldn't afford a gift for me, which made me feel bad. I wouldn't have cared at all!

I did get a cozy new faux down comforter at my shower last week, so I've been worshipping it for 3 days now, LOL! It beats my ragged old bedspread anyday.

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lilly14 Posts : 13 Registered: 8/8/11
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Aug 8, 2011 9:10 AM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

we are thinking of doing a honeymoon registry because we have been living away from home for 7 years now so have quite a lot of the stuff we need - plus i'm a chef so i'm fussy when it comes to kitchen things.

We were thinking of having a very detailed honeymoon registry so people can select i.e. if they want to buy us an ice-cream in switzerland or pay for our train ride to vienna etc. So completely map out what we hope to do and have options to pay for each tiny thing

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Aug 8, 2011 9:31 AM Go to message in response to: lilly14

Dear Lilly,

"We were thinking of having a very detailed honeymoon registry so people can select i.e. if they want to buy us an ice-cream in switzerland or pay for our train ride to vienna etc. So completely map out what we hope to do and have options to pay for each tiny thing"

Cash registries are tacky.

If you want cash, just don't register anywhere. If anyone asks "Where are you registered?" respond with "No where. We like surprises."

Without a registry, you will get more cash than you would otherwise expect. Once the cash is in your hands, you can spend or save it as you see fit.

I have done a lot of travel in Europe, and believe it's not advisable to map out your trip in such granular detail such as ice cream in Vienna. What if you get to Vienna and it's cold and rainy and you just don't feel like having ice cream? What if something else looks appealing to you that particular day? Are you obliged to go for the ice cream just because someone clicked that choice on your online registry?

Keep your options open.

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SuzanneA Posts : 1 Registered: 8/1/11
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Aug 8, 2011 3:07 PM Go to message in response to: lilly14

You don't actually have to register for something as specific as ice cream in a certain place. My husband and I used a honeymoon registry for our vacation to Paris, and we registered for specific-yet-general things like a bottle of wine with dinner, a special dessert, and a room upgrade. I like the idea of registering for pieces of your train ride, though!

We used honeymoonpixie.com for our registry, and our guests loved it. Etiquette is, after all, about being polite within your own culture, and our culture is changing so that honeymoon registries (even if they are similar to "cash registries") are acceptable and well-liked for most guests!

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erinthebride Posts : 4 Registered: 8/27/10
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Aug 8, 2011 3:35 PM Go to message in response to: Pinkbride

As a bride to be I had the same worries about doing a registry. we have been together for 7 years with 2 kids and this year we decided to make things official. We have the same thing. Hand me downs and cheap product we bought because we needed it not because its what we wanted. After some convincing I did do a few registries. I didn't do furniture because we are planning on purchasing a house in the next year and want to pick out the furniture at that time. Yesterday was my bridal shower and I really just loved hearing how people are excited for the wedding, and seeing people who aren't going to be able to attend the wedding. I didn't get some of my bigger items and I am okay with that. It will be even more fun when I go to the store and pick it up myself! Do check to see if you get the discount. Some places the discount only go up to 2 months after the wedding. I did mine all online and a little bit at a time. Good luck!!

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Aug 8, 2011 4:37 PM Go to message in response to: erinthebride

Ladies,

And those guests who thought it tacky to register for cash did not say a word.

I never say anything when I see poor etiquette like that. I keep my thoughts about greedy gimme-pigs within the privacy of my own mind.

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lilly14 Posts : 13 Registered: 8/8/11
Re: Registry Etiquette
Posted: Aug 10, 2011 11:46 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Thanks for the advice - i guess its just that we went backpacking last December and planned out every tiny detail and loved it so I thought guests might enjoy the choices- a living vicariously through our travels perhaps =)

I still don't understand why honeymoon registries are seen as tacky - a holiday is a gift too? Maybe someone can explain?

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