On the fence :-/

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ggbella Posts : 2 Registered: 6/10/11
On the fence :-/
Posted: Jun 10, 2011 11:21 AM

So I feel like I am on the fence, but I know which side of the grass I'd like to be on. Here's my story. We are 27, been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. A year after renting an apartment together, my boyfriend found a great place to buy, seemed like suddenly to me. It was perfect and perfectly priced. I brought up the topic of marriage, we had talked about it before but I wanted to start planning our future, moving into a new place made me feel it was time. When do we see ourselves engaged, when do we see ourselves married? Our desired timelines were not an exact match but only varied by a year or two, which I think is close enough! But when this topic was brought up I was met with a lot of resistance. He did not want to plan out life that way, he wants to just see what happens.

Eventually things were getting worse and worse between us and we broke up and I moved out. He spent a lot of his time working on renovations. Even though we broke up neither of us had the will power to stay away from each other, and soon we were practically living together again and had plans for me to officially move back in. It was a bumpy road but we worked on patching things between us. I desperately wanted a dog (all my life) and we agreed it would be nice to eventually have 2 dogs.

His mind was on fixing up and improving the home, he said to me we are not ready especially because there's work to be done with the home. I would look online and send him cute photos of dogs, and we talked about what kind we would like to adopt. He told me that raising a dog together would be like a child and that if we do it we have to do it together. I never expected he would find the perfect one and we'd go out and meet him and have the new dog in our home all within 2 weeks time. I thought I had a lot more convincing and waiting to do. The dog is one of the happiest things that has ever happened to me! I mentioned that I wanted a 2nd one.. because I did eventually, couple years later I thought. And my boyfriend acted a little angry, saying I need to be happy with the one we have. So imagine my surprise when not long after a picture of a cute dog I saw online and sent to him turned into him asking if we could meet it and then asking if we could adopt it. The whole process again feeling whirlwind fast to me. Before I knew it I had my two dogs, our nice little family!

And now our home and all the renovating he did by himself is all done as well. We love our new home and our dogs. But it's been 2 years later at this point. All our friends are engaged and getting married..in our circle besides the highschool sweethearts, we are the ones that have dated the longest and are the only not engaged couple. Thats ok with me because I don't think it matters in comparison to other people. The part that bothers me is that I've been ready for the past 2.5 years and he knows this. Our conversations about it are always the same. He is not ready. Well, when will you be ready? He says he doesn't know, he doesn't like to plan out the future the way that I do.

I take his word for it that this is his true feeling. He is always honest with me and doesn't do any sugarcoating. I am someone who likes to plan things years in advance. But I feel I've been proven wrong with him. I thought buying a place takes years of saving and planning, but not for him. I thought that getting a dog was a huge process requiring again a long time of saving and planning. Not for him! He says that the kind of girl he wants is someone with patience for him to be ready. He said he doesnt want to tell me if he is GOING to marry me, but he told me to look at the life he built for me, our home and our little family. He even said "things may happen sooner than you think". So ok I tried to keep my mouth shut and after him reassuring me it worked for a while.

But then yesterday I told him, I want him to be my husband and asked Do you want me to be your wife? And he said "Someday, maybe". The not knowing and the waiting is so hard. Because I don't consider this a problem of patience as he tries to say it is. Patience is when you know you need to wait 3 years so you do it. Not know how long you need to wait, or if it will ever happen... this is torture right? I told him I am getting older and have plans for my life, I need to know this type of vital information. He says that the truth is he is not ready yet, does not know when he will be. But judging from how he has made important life choices before, could I be surprised by a sudden proposal soon?

I've waited past years of birthdays and events and holidays and trips, with optimistic hope that's always crushed. I don't know what kind of advice I am trying to ask for. I guess I just wish I could feel better (and get what I want!) thanks for reading :)

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LadyEllaDee Posts : 3 Registered: 6/13/11
Re: On the fence :-/
Posted: Jun 13, 2011 7:51 PM Go to message in response to: ggbella

It can also be torture having a clearer timeline with a definitive goal, so you are not alone!

I don't know your boyfriend, so I can't even say that he wants marriage in his life at all, so I can't answer your questions. Perhaps you need to discuss whether he ever wants to be married? It sounds like he might be unsure about marriage itself.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: On the fence :-/
Posted: Jun 13, 2011 11:01 PM Go to message in response to: ggbella

Dear GG,

At 27, a person is either ready to get married or knows darn good and well that he either does not want to get married or does not want to marry you.

My suggestion: Find your own place that allows dogs and move yourself and dogs into that place, then take the dogs to dog parks where dog-loving marriage-minded men hang out.

I have two dogs, myself. I love dogs.

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evelinasiegel Posts : 7 Registered: 8/8/10
Re: On the fence :-/
Posted: Aug 2, 2011 6:48 PM Go to message in response to: ggbella

He said that "someday, maybe" he might want you to be his wife? That's saying "no, I don't want you to be my wife, but maybe someday I'll change my mind." In my opinion he's a real jerk for stringing you along like that and keeping your hopes up. You deserve better than a "maybe" at this stage in your life and in your relationship. I agree with the other posters that you should move out and leave him.

If he does change his mind and comes crawling back to you with a ring and a proposal, then you can re-evaluate whether you still want to be with him, but I think this is highly unlikely to happen.

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wzq103 Posts : 1,190 Registered: 9/11/12
Re: On the fence :-/
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 10:15 AM Go to message in response to: ggbella

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Re: On the fence :-/
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 6:04 PM Go to message in response to: ggbella

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