Involving the step-dad

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Barlow Posts : 2 Registered: 3/6/11
Involving the step-dad
Posted: Jun 8, 2011 1:43 PM

I have two daughters getting married within 8 months of each other and they would like some ideas on how to include thier step dad during the ceremony and reception. Both girls would love to have him walk them down the isle more than thier own dad (long story) but want to avoid hurting "the grandmas" feelings on their dads side.

Thanks!

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Sevati Posts : 29 Registered: 1/3/11
Re: Involving the step-dad
Posted: Jun 8, 2011 3:26 PM Go to message in response to: Barlow

If they're still close to their real father why not have both "dads" walk them down the aisle? One on the left, one on the right with the daughter in the middle? Or have the stepdad walk them down and the dad answer the minister when he says "who gives this woman in matrimony?"? As for the father/daughter dance they could start out with the dad then have stepdad "cut in" maybe to the song "I loved her first" by Brad Paisley (I think...). Really it's up to the daughters and what their dad and your husband their stepdad are comfortable with. If grandma's feelings are hurt that's her problem cause if they exclude stepdad, stepgrandmas feelings are getting hurt too. But the "dads" feelings matter more in this situation I think...well them and your daughters.

“In brightest day, in blackest night, No evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, Beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!“

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Involving the step-dad
Posted: Jun 8, 2011 8:13 PM Go to message in response to: Barlow

Dear Barlow,

The decision on the bride's escort is a very personal one. That decision belongs to the bride alone.

If your daughters want their step-dad to be that escort, then great. That's their decision.

Now: how to deal with their paternal grandmother.

My best suggestion is to just be honest with her. News that is potentially hurtful is best delivered in person, privately. Grandma must know that her son has not "been there" for his daughters, so this can't be too much of a surprise.

"Grandma, I need to tell you something. I have thought long and hard about who should walk me down the aisle when I get married. You now that Dad has not been around for most of my life, but Step-Dad has. I really must ask Step-Dad to be my escort. This doesn't mean I don't love Dad and it doesn't mean I don't love you. It means that Step-Dad has been the man in my life who has supported me every day of my childhood and I have decided he's the one who should be honored as my bridal escort."

I'll anticipate another question. Some young women come to this message board with the same question, but worry about their bio-father being "hurt" by being passed over.

My response is that if a man fathers a child, then is so absent during the kid's youth that the kid consideres a step-father as bridal escort, then Tough.

The little girl was plenty "hurt" by a father who never made time for her. I don't feel one bit sorry if the man is "hurt" when the grown-up woman has other plans for a bridal escort.

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Sevati Posts : 29 Registered: 1/3/11
Re: Involving the step-dad
Posted: Jun 8, 2011 10:42 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

I agree with Aunt. Especially as I am going through the same situation. Luckily for me this is my second wedding and my stepdad gave me away the first time (birth father refused to come). This time stepdad refuses cause he already "gave me away" and he raised me to be independant and not "need" a man. As he put it "I raised you to be a strong proud independant woman...give yourself away." LOL. The the issue rose that my birth father who's now attempting a relationship wanted to but I didn't want him. I sidestepped the issue. My dogs giving me away. Other than stepdad, my brother, and of course my uncles and grandpas he's the only male who's got my back...lol. Ask FI, he'll loose arguements and tickling contests cause the puppy pounces (all 75 lbs of him) and starts kisses. He's my protector and my best friend...only makes sense he'd "give me away" to my other best friend and protector.

“In brightest day, in blackest night, No evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, Beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!“

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Involving the step-dad
Posted: Jun 8, 2011 11:50 PM Go to message in response to: Sevati

Ladies,

There is always other options:

Mom can escort her daughter down the aisle.
Daughter can walk by herself down the aisle.

You don't have to drag the nearest male into the picture. If walking with Mom or by yourself works for you, then go for it.

Remeber, also, "giving away" is antiquated. I prefer to think of it as a bridal escort. I walked in with both parents, one on either side, as did my husband and his parents.

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Sevati Posts : 29 Registered: 1/3/11
Re: Involving the step-dad
Posted: Jun 11, 2011 5:54 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

True. Though my mom refused to walk me down. She hates having attention on her (she's a little agoraphobic). Me personally I'm having a handfasting and where the brides supposed to be "given away" I'm having our officiant talk about the history behind it and how women are not property and ask whose blessings accompany me and do I come of my own freewill. The reason my puppy Kaelas is "escorting" me is cause it'll just be freaking adorable! He'll have a lil bow tie and new collar and leash in the wedding colors and he'll have a superman charm to go with the guys Avengers cufflinks (I know I know Superman's DC not Marvel but our puppy looks just like Krypto the Super Dog LOL). Our other puppy Kiro's going to be the ringbearer and he'll have the bowtie and new leash and collar too (Kaelas's is going to be red Kiro's will be blue) and I'm making the pillow with ribbons attached so I can tie it to the blue harness I bought. It's going to be awesome!

“In brightest day, in blackest night, No evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, Beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!“

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Involving the step-dad
Posted: Jun 12, 2011 10:14 AM Go to message in response to: Barlow

Ladies,

One more comment:

We've had a few messages here along these lines:

"My mom and dad went through a messy divorce and my mom remarried. I really like Step-Dad, but I also have a relationship with Bio-Dad. Mom wants Step-Dad to escort me down the aisle, but I really truly want to ask Bio-Dad. How can I do that without hurting Mom or hurting Step-Dad?"

I'd ask the OP to give some serious thought to the true wishes of each of her daughters.

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MrsWilliamsToBe Posts : 11 Registered: 3/5/11
Re: Involving the step-dad
Posted: Jun 12, 2011 11:48 AM Go to message in response to: Barlow

Their dad can start walking them down the aisle and then half way down their step father can join them on the other side of the brides.

or

they can both walk her down the whole aisle as well!!!

save the date

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