I need big time advice

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KingsQueen13 Posts : 18 Registered: 4/28/11
I need big time advice
Posted: Jun 2, 2011 12:03 AM

So my FH and I had set our wedding date for 4/13/13, two years from the engagement date. I figured that was more than enough time to save up the money to pay for the wedding, allow my FH time to finish school, find a job and plan carefully instead of rushing for a quick wedding. Today my FH calls me to let me know his stepmom, whom he loves more dearly than his biological mom, is not responding to her cancer treatments. He says we won't be able to wait the 2 yrs we had planned for the wedding because he wants her to be there. There is no way we can have the wedding we want anytime soon. My FH goes to school full-time and I support both of us financially. I came home from work tonight and talked to my mom. She explained that she can't support this decision to move things up because she wants him to be able to support himself and be ready to provide for a family before we get married and just because his stepmom is sick doesn't mean I should lose sight of the implications of a quick wedding bring. My grandparents are both very old and I would give anything for them to be at my wedding and yes, two years is a long time to be worrying about everyone's health but we still agreed we needed time. I must admit, I don't want to move the wedding up. I agree with my mom that I want him to find his footing in his new career before we get married, but I didn't expect the harshness of her response. I just don't know how to tell him that I'm not thrilled with the idea of moving the wedding up. I feel so lost in this whole ordeal.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: I need big time advice
Posted: Jun 2, 2011 12:17 AM Go to message in response to: KingsQueen13

Dear KQ,

Yes, you do need big time advice. I will mention that I am 57 years old and have seen a lot of Life in my life, so far.

Here is what I suggest you consider:

Have you ever flown on an airplane? They have oxygen masks right above the passenger seats that drop down if there is some emergency. The flight crew tell you that if you are seated next to someone who might need help with their oxygen mask, you should put your own mask on first, then help the other person.

That means that if there is any delay in getting the mask on the other person (they are asleep, very old, very young, in panic, whatever) you are protected with oxygen as you attempt to help the other person. You don't want to black out as you struggle putting the other mask on the other person before putting on your own.

This is a good lesson for life.

You have to sustain yourself before you can sustain others. Once you are sure that you are in the right place for yourself, you are in a great position to reach out to others.

You have a boyfriend who is asking you to get married before you are ready to get married. He might have GREAT reasons for making this request. You might also have GREAT reasons to accommodate the request.

However, getting married before you are ready to get married, for whatever reason, is like flying at 35,000 feet without oxygen. Such a person in an ill-advised, rushed marriage feels trapped, suffocated and resentful.

It would be great if his step-mom got to see your wedding. It would be great if your grandparents could see your wedding. It would be really great if you were ready, willing, able and eager to get married.

Alas, you are not. Step-mom and grandparents might die before you are ready. How would you feel if they saw you get married, and then later, you got divorced because you were not wholly committed to the marriage in the first place? How would you feel if their deaths were the catalyst for pushing you into a place that suffocates you?

I suggest you take some time for yourself. Get away from it all, turn off the electronics and listen to that voice inside of you telling you what is best for you. Where is your oxygen mask? A few more years of singlehood and preparation for marriage? If so, then put on that oxygen mask and deal with the emergency situation.

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: I need big time advice
Posted: Jun 2, 2011 12:40 AM Go to message in response to: KingsQueen13

Is his finishing school and starting a career THE ONLY thing (besides finances) that is making you guys wait 2 years? If he was already in his career, and you guys had all the money, would you get married tomorrow?

If your answer is yes, then I would have a talk with FH and see what you guys can come up with in a shorter amount of time. This might mean he would have to take time off of school to work full time so you guys can have the money sooner.

Also, remember a lot can change in 2 years, so I would take that as a tentative date. What if he has to push his graduation date back, or what if he doesn't get started in his career right after graduation, or with-in that 2 year time limit. A lot of college grads have difficulty finding jobs in the field choice, especially right after graduation if they don't have the actual experience. I think finishing school before marriage is a great plan. I also waited until I was totally done because I wanted to be complete with that part of my life before starting my new married life.

One thing I was wondering from your post is do you and your FH already live together? You mentioned that you support him, so I'm assuming you do but let me know if I'm wrong. With that, you also said your mom told you he needs to be able to support a family when you guys get married. If you are able to support the 2 of you right now, would it make that much of a difference then when you guys do get married if he's still in school?

I honestly think this is a decision that only you and your FH can make, and if you guys do decide to push the wedding date up there will be a lot of sacrifices. You just have to weigh the options out. But if you guys truly aren't ready for marriage, then definitely don't rush it.

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anne11235813 Posts : 58 Registered: 11/15/08
Re: I need big time advice
Posted: Jun 2, 2011 6:54 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsDJLeo

Dear KingsQueen,

I think the important fact here is that you as a couple are able to support yourselves. I am not of the opinion that the (majority of the) income has to be provided by the husband.

In our case, we got married after we both finished school. But now I am the main breadwinner while my husband went actually back to school for an academic education. Which places us in the situation you are in, except that we ARE married.

That said, I would not have liked to get married earlier than we did. I liked that both of us were done with education and starting a carreer at the time of the wedding. While we were not struggling during my time at university (my parents supported me) I did not feel independent from my parents and we could not have planned the wedding we ended up having. And there would have been no honeymoon.

Regarding your situation, these questions pop to my mind:

1. You didn't say, but is your FH still supported by his family, in one way or other? Or are you two completely independent?

2. Do you have to sacrifice your dream wedding if you push the date up? Would you be willing to do this?

3. Are there other reasons (except finances/independece) why you might not be ready to get married?

4. Do you know what his step-mom thinks about this? Maybe she doesn't want you two to go to all this trouble just for her?

If you conclude from these or other questions that (for whatever reason) you do not want to get married earlier than what you agreed on with your FH, then there is no way around a talk with your FH.

Maybe instead of getting married earlier, you guys can find an alternative to gather some very dear memories with his step-mom. What about a very nice vacation where you can spend lots of quality time with her?

Good Luck,
Anne

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KingsQueen13 Posts : 18 Registered: 4/28/11
Re: I need big time advice
Posted: Jun 2, 2011 1:44 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Thank you for the replies, ladies. I guess I should clarify a few things. We don't live together, he sleeps on his mother's couch. He goes to cosmetology school Tuesday-Saturday from 9-5. He had been working as a bouncer at a club in Hollywood, so the schedule worked out perfect to be able to go to school and keep his night job. Unfortunately the manager had some issues with that and got rid of him. He got fired from his job in January a week before school started, and just this week got the approval for unemployment. So the past 5 months I've been paying his bills, buying his food, etc, that's what I meant by supporting him. I have been struggling financially since January having to rework my finances so that all of his things were taken care of. So its been a bit of a roller coaster the past few months.

We haven't talked to his stepmom about moving the wedding date up. My FH called me after leaving his stepmom's last night just telling me about what's happening with her treatment, and say that we might have to move things up. I told him that wasn't a conversation we were going to have over the phone, and that we'd talk this weekend.

My mother's point of view comes from experience, she got married very quickly and was (and still is) the sole provider in the family. So she just doesn't wanna see that happen to me.

To answer FutureMrsDJLeo: Yes if everything was in order with his school, he had a job, brought in money and could help with paying for the wedding (because at this point I'm the only one paying for anything) then yes I would marry him in a heartbeat.

I talked to him this morning for just a minute and apparently his mother started in on him about living on her couch, and so he mentioned switching to night school so that he can try finding a day job, but then that pushes his grad date back another year.

I just really want to disappear for a minute and not constantly have things like this weighing on my brain... Oh and I got to work this morning and somebody crashed into the company car I drive... Its just another one of those days.

~KQ13

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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08
Re: I need big time advice
Posted: Jun 2, 2011 1:57 PM Go to message in response to: KingsQueen13

Well I'm going to be the odd man out. I got the feeling from your post that the biggest issue for you about getting married earlier is that you won't have the money yet to have the wedding you want. If the issue is you are just not ready to be married than disregard what I am about to say. I think one of the most important things about a wedding is that those we love are there. Luckily, my fiancÚ and I have enough money to have the type of wedding we want. However, I would give it all up and just have something small and less expensive if my mom, sister and Dad could be there. They are all gone. It seems that this is really important to your fiancÚ and it's possible that he might feel some resentment if you wait and then she dies and won't be there.

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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08
Re: I need big time advice
Posted: Jun 2, 2011 2:01 PM Go to message in response to: KingsQueen13

Well I just read your latest post. It must have went up while I was writing mine. It is more clear why you want to wait. I too thought you were living together. I'm sorry my assumption was wrong and maybe you should wait.

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MagicalMomentsP... Posts : 742 Registered: 3/6/06
Re: I need big time advice
Posted: Jun 2, 2011 2:31 PM Go to message in response to: wdubin

Marry in haste, repent in leisure. There is a lot of truth to that old saying. Right now, it seems both you and your FH are going through A LOT of life's trials and tribulations. If I've learned anything is that you don't make any life altering decisions or take any life altering actions in the midst of such emotional pressures. When under emotional stress, a person is not thinking clearly and can make mistakes. I would certainly say that losing a job, going to school, being told to get off the couch and cancer are ALL adding to the stress level. You and your FH should solve each problem (if possible) rather than add a new stressor. Take it one step at a time. Planning a wedding is stressful enough without any of the other problems you folks are experiencing. Why add to the chaos?

It seems to me, your FH is dealing with a lot of instability in his life(job, school, home, death). Unconsciously, to him moving the wedding up is a way to stabilize his life. Now if the time to talk to him. Even if you don't get married today, show him you care and will be there for him. Guys typically don't show weakness or fear. Please understand his desire to move up the date as a call for help.

Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer

Magical Moments Photography


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KingsQueen13 Posts : 18 Registered: 4/28/11
Re: I need big time advice
Posted: Jun 5, 2011 1:30 PM Go to message in response to: KingsQueen13

Well in a complete shock to even myself, I grew a backbone and told my FH, that even in light of his stepmom's health concerns, it was simply not practical or feasible to move up our wedding date. To an even greater shock, he was surprisingly calm and understanding during our talk. I was really afraid that he would resent me for this but, ultimately, it just wasn't going to happen. I was literally having anxiety attacks about how rushed things were goin to be if we moved it up. So all is now well and I can breathe easy again. Thank you all for your comments and help.

~ KQ13

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: I need big time advice
Posted: Jun 5, 2011 6:02 PM Go to message in response to: KingsQueen13

Dear KQ,

I'm glad it is working out for you. I wish I could pat you on the back AND give you a big hug!!!

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chris42005 Posts : 89 Registered: 4/6/10
Re: I need big time advice
Posted: Jun 6, 2011 1:33 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

I was going to suggest that it was time to wait. Not that I am very good at it. But with alot of things happening at once, the last thing you need to do is to rush into something.

I am glad that you talk with your other half and you guys are on the same page.

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