3 Years No Ring...am I overreacting??!!!

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xolaur84 Posts : 2 Registered: 4/25/11
3 Years No Ring...am I overreacting??!!!
Posted: Apr 25, 2011 1:20 AM

Okay, So I just joined this when I found this topic, hope some of you guys could help me out!

So my Boyfriend & I's anniversary is coming up this week, it will be three years. I love him so much, But I get so frusterated when this subject comes up.

So I'm 20, He's 24...yes I know it's still young, but we are both more "mature" for our age, I have a steady job I've had for a while, he graduated college almost 2 years ago, currently working at a beer company loading trucks until he gets on to the state police/any police. (which is what he went to school for)

anyways--We have openly talked about getting engaged for about 1 1/2.....We have a very solid relationship, we see each other every day, spend all of our free time together for the most part, atleast 1/2 the week he'll sleep over, etc. etc. We even have the SAME bank account

Whenever we talk about engagement he says the only thing holding him back is $$ to buy a "nice" ring....well his taxes are coming back this year and he's got a good chunk of change to pay for atleast 3/4 of the ring, and yet he's still seems unsure or something.

He keeps saying he wants to be financially secure as well, and I understand that, however financially we are comfortable now. Whenever he talks about the future he'll say "our kids" "when we get married" "when we live together" "we'll do this together" etc etc,

My parents are building a house and they've said we could build an apartment into this basement until we can purchase a house of our own (saving a lot of money we'd spend in rent!) but we'd have to be engaged first.... and he's super excited about it, talking about floor plans, furniture etc but whenever I bring up getting engaged all he says is, "Don't worry about it" "It will happen Soon" & Says I"m nagging him, and I'll be honest, I have been bringing it up A LOT lately, because frankly I hate waiting, I've been ready for a while for this.....

is he pulling me along??

Am I over reacting? Any Advice????

Edited by: xolaur84 on Apr 25, 2011 1:28 AM

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: 3 Years No Ring...am I overreacting??!!!
Posted: Apr 25, 2011 8:48 AM Go to message in response to: xolaur84

Dear XO,

I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell everyone who comes here with the same question.

Set yourself a private known-to-you deadline.

If he proposes between now and then, great. Accept or decline as you see fit at the time.

If he doesn't propose by your private mental deadline, then make an appointment with your self to re-evaluate your own life, your own goals, your own happiness.

In your case, there will come a point where your parents need to know if you are moving in or not, so they can fix up the basement appropriately. If that days comes and goes without an engagement, then that might be the time for you to evaluate where you are now.

There are lots of really nice people out there who have no desire to get married. Your boyfriend might be one of them. Might now. Time will tell. You are young, still, and have plenty of time.

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xolaur84 Posts : 2 Registered: 4/25/11
Re: 3 Years No Ring...am I overreacting??!!!
Posted: Apr 25, 2011 12:21 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

thanks for the response! I don't know if it's that he doesn't want to get married, he's stressed to me multiple times how he wants a family, We've even went out and looked at rings. He says all the time that he wants to get married. He's a really big procrastinator but JEESH how long should I wait? I think I will set up a private date to re-evaluate the situation...thanks again.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: 3 Years No Ring...am I overreacting??!!!
Posted: Apr 25, 2011 12:54 PM Go to message in response to: xolaur84

Dear XO,

" He's a really big procrastinator but JEESH how long should I wait? "

No longer than you want to wait. I'm being serious about this, not just making a joke.

I know many people who have waited years, decades, for their BF/GF to be "ready" for marriage. In the meantime, they could have broken up, found someone who actually wants to get married, get married and have a really fun, nice life.

I'm OK with young people like yourself waiting until you feel you have reached your full adult personality. For many people, that comes around the age of 25 or so. Some some into full adult maturity earlier, some later.

If you want to have a family, there is a solid "biological clock" deadline for women. That deadine is called "menopause". You cannot predict when menopause will occur, nor can you predict any other issues that might prevent pregnancy, such as a future need for a hysterectomy, various cancers, etc. If a woman is destined to have those kinds of health issues, she might do best by having her children young.

How do you know what the future hold? Answer: You don't. You can only do the best you can with what knowledge you have now.

My best suggestion is to think about all these things, think about your own personal goals, think about what you (YOU) want out of life, out of your future and make a decision about how long you will let BF procrastinate.

Remember, you need to keep this to yourself. If you say a date out loud "I need to be engaged by x/x/20xx", then that sounds like an ultimatum. A man who proposes only because he's got an ultimatum over his head is not a man you want to marry. A man who looks at the future, looks at the practicalities, looks at his own goals and his own timetables, then says to himself "I've got to get going on the next step" is the guy you want to marry.

Another year, or two, might be OK. Ten years? Nope.

Somewhere in between would be ideal.

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aepht Posts : 2 Registered: 5/7/11
Re: 3 Years No Ring...am I overreacting??!!!
Posted: May 11, 2011 9:05 AM Go to message in response to: xolaur84

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years as well. I knew on our first date that I would want to marry him, so I have been waiting a looonng time! He is a volunteer firefighter, and was adamant about not getting engaged until he was hired somewhere as a full-time, paid firefighter. I pushed and pushed, and it got me nowhere. He felt that he should be financially stable by HIMSELF; he wants to be able to provide for me. Well. Last week he was hired at a fire department, and not a week later, we were ordering a custom designed ring (we have a diamond in the family). Give your boyfriend a chance to get the job he wants, and let him feel like he can take care of you. I think that will be the turning point!

-amanda

Edited by: aepht on May 11, 2011 9:06 AM

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PolarIce Posts : 39 Registered: 12/17/10
Re: 3 Years No Ring...am I overreacting??!!!
Posted: May 23, 2011 9:51 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

I have very high respects for Aunt. Her responses are absolutely phenomenal, and I hope you take them to heart. Many women find themselves in this tight spot, and finding out you have to let go can be very difficult-but its for the best. Hope you are able to do some soul searching and find an answer for yourself, one that will work.

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