Don't spoil your own surprise!

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Sara2012 Posts : 9 Registered: 1/25/11
Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Mar 13, 2011 12:27 PM

I just wanted to post a little advice that I recently learned the hard way! My boyfriend and I have been discussing engagement and ring shopping. He had told me that he had a plan in his head for where and when he was going to do it, but he didn't want to tell me because he wants it to be a complete surprise. Well, typical me couldn't let it go and kept bugging him about it to give me hints. Two nights ago we were talking about it and I told him I had an idea of what he was going to do. He told me to tell him what I thought and I told him that I didn't want him to propose in Vegas (a trip we're planning for later in the year) because I think it's a little cheesy. It was dark (we were in bed talking) so I couldn't see his reaction but he said that wasn't the plan. Anyways we were joking around the next day after browsing some rings at the mall (I have a ring picked out that I want but we were just looking around) and he joked that I'm not going to get the ring I want anymore since I spoiled all his plans. He admitted he was going to do it in Vegas. Now I feel really bad, not just for spoiling the surprise but for putting down his idea. Truthfully, I could care less how he does it because there's no way I could be disappointed.

Moral of the story: No matter how curious you are, if he wants it to be a surprise, don't push the issue!

Did anyone else ruin their own surprise?

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Mar 13, 2011 12:49 PM Go to message in response to: Sara2012

Sara - I got totally surprised, so I wasn't in the same boat.

BUT when ladies come on here asking 'Is he going to propose?' - one of the things that I know I tell them is to NOT ruin it or even other events thinking it's going to be an engagement, getting upset when it's not and ruining a perfectly good time otherwise.

Other ladies have posted that they ruined other events because they thought they'd get the proposal and didn't.

So I'm sorry that what happened to you happened, but it's GREAT advice for others - and for you as you go and start waiting again. :-)

Good luck!

 

 

 

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Mar 13, 2011 5:07 PM Go to message in response to: Sara2012

Hey Sara:

Completely understandable. One of the things that a lot of us forget is this: WE plan the weddings. Many of us have spent our lives planning what we wanted for our weddings.

Guys do that with their proposals. Yeah, I know right?!

My DH wanted something "theatrical".

And I KNEW when he was going to propose. He was not trying to tell me. He wanted me to be completely surprised. I was -- but not by the proposal timing. But because he kept telling me that my ring was not back from the jewelers (it was a custom order). Now, I was not one saying "when ya gonna do it, when ya gonna do it." I was, however, worried about how long the bloody ring was taking to be made! I wasn't even asking about whether the ring was back or not, but he kept saying it was not back.

It is EXTREMELY hard to surprise me. He said "theatrical". We were doing a community theatre production of The Fantasticks!. I was the Assistant Director and one of the Muses. I knew then I was getting proposed to at final curtain.

By the time this show was ready to open, I hated it. It had been hell to rehearse, one of the actors seriously needed to be repeatedly beat soundly around the head (didn't do it, but I really wanted to). It was just not a fun show.

And the last thing I wanted was for the proposal to be at that show.

HOWEVER, not only does my DH not know that I did not want the proposal then, he does not know I had figured it out a month before....(nor that I actually told a good friend that it was happening that night. SHE knew it was, but she did not tell me.)I had almost told another friend to be sure she came that night because I thought he'd propose then. But since she'd already seen the show, I did not.

What did surprise me? He actually had my ring. I was surprised by that...because he kept lying about it :)

We had a sold out house, and about half of them thought this was just a part of the show. If we'd staged a fake proposal, it would have been between the romantic leads! (Honestly :) ) One of my co-workers was there that night by happenstance.

So, while I knew...and while it was not the place or event I would have chosen, it was still very nice. I have a lot of pictures of it, since the City photographer came to our show that night. (Cast arranged that since DH had asked their permission to use final curtain for his proposal--as was only fair.) I have no idea what he said...he has no idea what he said. Our pianist started with the wedding march as DH got down on one knee.

It was a cheesy proposal, but it was theatrical, as my DH wanted. It was not what I wanted.

But see... at the wedding, the Bride is the star (it just is--they want to see OUR ring, they want to see our dress, they stand when we enter, not when he does). BUT...for the proposal....the GROOM is the star, and the Bride is the one for whom the show is produced. It's HIS show, his production. This is what HE plans...on his own, without our help.

Misty

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Sara2012 Posts : 9 Registered: 1/25/11
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Mar 13, 2011 6:28 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

CatStandish,

It's funny how guys don't realize how perceptive we can be and we are pretty good at putting two and two together. lol. I figured he wanted to do it on our Vegas trip because around the time we started talking seriously about going, he mentioned how he had a plan of how and when he was going to propose (which he had never said concretely before. we had only talked about it in passing up until that)...I have decided to try not to talk about it at all anymore with him because he doesn't realize that even the smallest hint combined with other stuff can lead to figuring it out!

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Mar 13, 2011 9:33 PM Go to message in response to: Sara2012

that is true.

and then, we also have to thwap them upside the head rather than hinting around at things, because they apparently do NOT put two and two together very well. :)

Misty

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Mar 13, 2011 9:50 PM Go to message in response to: Sara2012

Ladies,

There are some couples for which the proposal is a big surprise, orchesrated by the future husband. If both members of the couple like that sort of thing, then great.

The lady involved should try very very very very hard to not snoop, not pry, not guess, not delve into sock drawers, not quiz the guy's best friend and not look at credit card statements.

And, then, there are some couples that never really have an official proposal, but just come to an agreement to marry over a period of time. They talk more and more about marriage, then eventually someone says "How does late June work for you?" and that's it.

My husband and I were like that. No big surprise proposal, but almost 35 years of a happy marriage.

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allyriane Posts : 3 Registered: 4/7/11
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Apr 7, 2011 7:07 PM Go to message in response to: Sara2012

I can relate to this thread, though I don't know if I'll ever know if I truly ruined my surprise or not.

I'm turning 33 this summer, and my boyfriend and I have been together nearly 3 years, having known each other a year before we got together. We're renting our second flat together, although the first 2 years of our relationship was long-distance as I was studying at one end of the UK and he was living at the other. We visited as much as possible though and from the beginning, he was talking about the future. We both just felt ready.

He's never been one to shy away from initiating discussions about the future, as though it's a given. He always tells me that finding the right girl was the most important thing in his life, and he's done that, and now it's just on to everything else, together. There's no disputing the certainty and it's wonderful to be with someone who's as sure about me as I am about them :)

But because he kept bringing up the future, I got it in my head a lot earlier than normal. After we dated long-distance for a year, during my summer break (I went back to university as a 'mature student') he and I rented a place together for 4 months. At the end of that time when I moved back to school, as he was putting me on the train and saying goodbye he gave me a gorgeous bracelet and said "the next thing I'm buying you is a ring." That was the September before last.

Then when he was visiting me a few months later I was getting so frustrated about us living so far apart that after a rather agitated discussion, he told me he had been planning to propose the following March on a trip to Vegas. He said (kindly, mind you) he wouldn't do it then, since he'd broken the news, but he'd find another time to do it. He said he only told me because he wanted to assure me that he was thinking about it.

That was March 2010. It's now over a year since that first supposed proposal time and we've talked about engagement dozens and DOZENS of times since then. I've struggled to keep my mouth shut but when he's talking about buying a house and the future, I can't help but wonder why he's taking so long since the time he was originally talking about it. He's said in the past he doesn't understand why women seem so eager to get married, but that's a whole other discussion. He's obsessed with getting on the property ladder but when I've asked if that means engagement needs to come afterwards, he's said "not at all", and that he expects we'll definitely get married within the next year and a half (he said this just last week, but in the past, he's told friends that he thought we'd get married "by the end of the year" and that time has passed).

So I sort of ruined the first alleged time he was going to propose, and in the past few months I've finally learned to shut my mouth and quit bringing it up, because I think the bottom line is he wants it to be his thing, his plan, without feeling like I prompted it at all - as others have also pointed out on this forum!

But what's beginning to wear me down is the thought that he said he was going to do it over a year and a half ago, with hints about it back further than that, and he seems no closer to actually doing it. I do believe he'll ask me... It's just that some days I start to think my trust and joy has dwindled ever so slightly because of the fact that he said he would do it and then has made no move since then. I hate getting my hopes up because disappointment to me is pretty crushing. I find it really hard each time we do anything, go anywhere, even if he suggests going for a walk because my mind immediately goes there, hoping against my will that this will be the time. I HATE that.

I feel so stupid and petty, but I also feel a bit deflated. We've met our match in each other, and we're not getting any younger, so I don't understand what he's waiting for. Very frustated :( But thanks for listening as I think I've bored all my married and engaged friends to pieces...

Edited by: allyriane on Apr 7, 2011 7:09 PM

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Apr 7, 2011 7:16 PM Go to message in response to: allyriane

Dear Ally,

How much longer are you willing to wait?

Set your self your own deadline. Keep it in the privacy of your own mind. If he has not made a move by then, break up and go find someone who really wants to marry you, not just drop hints year after year.

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allyriane Posts : 3 Registered: 4/7/11
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Apr 7, 2011 7:31 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Hi Aunt,

Thanks for the quick reply. I forgot to mention, he's the same age as me and is 10 years into a stable, well-paying career, while I only graduated a year ago and am definitely not the bread-winner. He's told me that's not an issue.

How long am I willing to wait? This is where it gets tricky. I'm an American, he's British. My current visa allows me to work and live here for another 18 months, and we discussed before I even graduated that after this visa runs out, I'd be getting a spousal visa. If he's anything, he's a trustworthy man, so I don't question that sincerity. We're going to see my family in NY in June, and I have a feeling he will propose either before then, or on that trip. It will be his second time meeting my mother and he's GOT to know that she will want to know what the hell his issue is if he's not proposed by then. (As mothers do, the first time they met, last spring, she asked him when he was planning on asking me. I was both horrified and secretly glad).

I was so excited to finally meet a man who had the future in mind and knew what he wanted and seemed willing to do whatever it takes to get it. He moved to a city he hates because we felt it was the best chance for me to get post-grad work. He's made a lot of changes in his life for me and supported me through some dark times, so I don't believe he's stringing me along. But why does it seem like even the GOOD guys procrastinate? It seems ridiculously unfair that women aren't allowed to talk about something that affects them as much as the man. And by "not allowed" I mean, once you're at the point we are when both parties agree they want to get married soon, and therefore you shouldn't keep bugging him since you know he wants to do it.

Ergh. :( Anyhow - thanks again for letting me vent. It's great reading all these stories about other women.. Encouraging and yet reminds me I'm not alone.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Apr 8, 2011 12:41 AM Go to message in response to: allyriane

Ladies,

I am 57 years old and have seen a lot of stuff in my long life.

One thing I find dismaying is an expectation that the man is 100% in charge of timing a marriage proposal. He's going to propose when he's darn well ready, and not a moment sooner. On the other hand, the woman is supposed to already be ready, and accept the proposal on the spot, jumping for joy.

I have seen women, who actually want to get married, wait and wait and wait for years for the Proposal. In the meantime, their boyfriends are enjoying a committed couple relationship without the committment.

Yes, it's romantic to wait for a really nice proposal, one you can tell all your friends about. Great, fine, wonderful.

On the other hand, it is sad when a young woman, full of life with lots to give, sits there waiting and waiting ready and willing to get married, but with a boyfriend who "needs time".

There comes a point where the woman has to get on with her life and persue her life goals. If being married is one of those life goals, she needs to know when to consider Boyfriend to be a lost cause. She can, then, go back out into the world as a single woman, date various men that she might meet and zero in on someone special.

Here's a thought experiment. Let's say Boyfriend, after some years of dating, gets a ring, finds a romantic locale and proposes. How would he feel if Girlfriend says "Hmmm... I think I'll wait a year or two before telling you if I accept or decline your offer. I need time and space."

Most guys would dump her on the spot. Yet, they expect their girlfriends to wait months and years for them to be "ready".

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wevans7788 Posts : 1 Registered: 4/8/11
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Apr 8, 2011 6:45 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

:)

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allyriane Posts : 3 Registered: 4/7/11
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Apr 8, 2011 8:40 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

I agree with that view. It's only detrimental to give men that much power when a relationship should be equal. I thought I learned that lesson completely after stupidly dating an older, divorced man for half my twenties who had no intention of ever marrying me. When I finally realised I was wasting my time and wanted to get on with my own life, I did. I left and got back to focusing on my goals and my life.

One of my goals is to be married someday to someone I am overjoyed to share the rest of my life with. It's hard to have a "we're equal" viewpoint though when the media, other family members and societal pressures try to tell men that they have to be the ones who sort the whole engagement out, that it's in their court and therefore they have the power to do it how they want and should not be told what to do by the woman. It took me til I was 30 to meet someone who loved me as much as I love them. I don't want to throw that away because he's not ready yet, but I also don't want to be a doormat again.

And the thing is, I know I have to be grateful when he does ask me. I think if I was 22 this wouldn't be an issue, but neither of us are kids, and we know what we want. At least, I thought we did. :-(

His view seems to be "let's just let things happen naturally." But if naturally we've agreed we plan to get married, then what the heck else needs to happen "naturally"? If I bring the topic up, I get into trouble. So it's either I keep my mouth shut and wait, or I bring it up and look like a pushy jerk. So now I feel more like a doormat than ever.

Guess I better set a date to move on by...

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Apr 8, 2011 12:18 PM Go to message in response to: allyriane

dear Ally,

" So it's either I keep my mouth shut and wait, or I bring it up and look like a pushy jerk. So now I feel more like a doormat than ever.

Guess I better set a date to move on by..."

Yep. Sad but true. Make that promise to yourself.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Apr 9, 2011 9:32 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Ally -

I agree with Aunt on the advice. The fact is, he might be planning something right now and you'll be back here in 2 weeks laughing. I hope that's what happens, but planning for otherwise is a good idea!

You know, I waited four years, almost 5, for my DH to propose. And I know that if I had come on here, Aunt would have told me to leave. LOL Which is fine. But I know my DH and I knew that he would ask, I know how his mind works and I wasn't pushing it. So since I wasn't 'worried' about it, I never ended up here mourning the lack of a wedding ring. (Not that you are, I'm just saying.)

Unfortunately we had about a year and a half engagement which stretched it out even longer. I'm in my late 30's. We both want kids and we had to talk about that - I don't want kids after 40, and we didn't have time to wait too long to start trying. So we started trying a couple of months before our second wedding anniversary. I'm now pregnant and due in less than 3 weeks. :-)

The other night, DH told me that he's sorry and regrets that he waited so long to a) propose and b) start a family with me.

But you know what? It was right for US.

Is it right for you? I don't know. Only YOU can determine that. So you have to do what's right for you and your future.

And that may or may not include your BF.

 

 

 

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Deleted Posts : 23 Registered: 1/7/10
Re: Don't spoil your own surprise!
Posted: Apr 21, 2011 11:12 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Sara

my advice to you is not everyone is going to have the perfect proposal i know i didn't me and my fiance where getting ready to go to bed on christmas and out of no were he says i don't see why we can't get married and i sat up in bed looking at him confused then he got on one knee (no ring) and said he loved me and that he wanted it to be more romantic but he couldn't wait i said yes because we didn't have family around or friends we were in the privacy of our bedroom and i learn that he's not an ordinary guy he does things in the way that makes him comfortable.
with that said where ever you boyfriend plans to do it at doesn't matters as long as he loves you and wants to take that big leap with you thats all that matters
vegas was better then mine but its the thought that counts

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