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Some advice?

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VGamsky Posts : 18 Registered: 4/6/10
Some advice?
Posted: Apr 3, 2011 4:35 PM

I love reading the posts on here and find the advice amazing, so I thought I might get a bit of my own. My FH and I have been engaged for about three weeks now, we met at the beginning of Freshman year of college through a mutual friend. We are both supporting ourselves through work and grants from our schooling and have decent credit rates as we have been renting for two years now and paying our bills on time, I actually bought the book you all keep taking about "financially ever after" and William my FH and I have found it really helpful so far. we have even started saving for a down payment on a house and have opened a account for retirement. I'm just wondering if we are missing anything, We aren't in a hurry to get married and have set a tentative date for four months before we both graduate with our bachelors degrees, we both have AA's currently, his in computer science and mine in Anthropology. Some people are telling us we are still to young to be getting married, although we are the same age as my parents were and they are doing quite well for themselves and have been married for 30 years. I know the times have changed but if 22 is to young even if we are financially ready then when is old enough? Personally I want children and I don't want to be Fifty trying to rein in teenagers.

So I guess my question is are we missing anything? Do you think our age is still a major player if we have everything financially ready? We love one another and are ready to tell the world we are in this together.

Thanks

VG

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WellWisher Posts : 175 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: Some advice?
Posted: Apr 3, 2011 5:10 PM Go to message in response to: VGamsky

I think a big sign of maturity is doing what you're doing right now: stepping back, considering your options, and carefully considering your future plans and needs.

I'm 21 and will be getting married this August, when I am 22. Obviously from my standpoint I'm not going to be one to tell you you're too young. But through my experience I have figured a couple of things out.

Some people will never be "old enough" to get married.
Some people, even though they may be young, are so set in their ways and unwilling to compromise that they are already "too old" to get married.

And then there are the rest of us who have good heads on our shoulders, an ounce of common sense and someone with the same who we can share the rest of our lives with. No one ever knows what lies ahead, but if we're willing to examine our current decisions we'll have at least a 50/50 chance of sticking together.

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VGamsky Posts : 18 Registered: 4/6/10
Re: Some advice?
Posted: Apr 3, 2011 5:17 PM Go to message in response to: WellWisher

Thank you
I'm not sure everyone feels this way but your reply makes me feel a bit better about where I am right now.

VG

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Aunt Posts : 796 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Some advice?
Posted: Apr 3, 2011 5:46 PM Go to message in response to: VGamsky

Dear VG,

It sounds to me like you are right on track. As I was reading your message, I thought "Hmmm... sounds like she needs the Book Recommendation...", then read later that you already have it!!!

I'd say that anyone who already has money put away in a retirement account is pretty much ready, maturity-wise, to get married. I was 22 when I got married, almost 35 years ago, and I'm still married to the same guy.

You really cannot plan ahead for EVERYTHING. You can do the best you can and hope for good things to come your way. Go through the book, go through the author's checklist, and you'll be prepared for most of what might come your way.

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VGamsky Posts : 18 Registered: 4/6/10
Re: Some advice?
Posted: Apr 3, 2011 5:57 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Thank you for the advice,

Aunt- I was actually worried about your advice lol silly me, I have been reading around and you seem to always tell it like you see it. I'm really glad you see it this way though, as I was sure you would tell me what I needed to hear whether I wanted to or not. It's great that you have been married for so long my FH and I aspire to be together forever and hope we can be level headed and loving enough to make it last.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply

VG

Brighter than the sun- Thanks for the advice, we had thought about waiting until we graduate but we feel that is going to be a hectic time for us, he has a job lined up and we are going to be moving so we felt maybe we should get this giant change started before we have a hectic spring. thanks for taking the time to reply though and I hope you have a happy marriage and wonderful wedding.

VG

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Aunt Posts : 796 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Some advice?
Posted: Apr 3, 2011 11:23 PM Go to message in response to: VGamsky

Dear VG,

I've been thinking of your message all afternoon.

You seem to be great at planning ahead, doing the right thing and being prepared.

Great, wonderful, yay for you.

Here is what I want you to consider:

Talk to your FH and bring up the topic of The Unexpected. Talk about events in the past that really threw you for a loop and what was your reaction. Go back into childhood, if necessary. Talk about situations you know about in other peoples' lives that have been totally unexpected. How did they react? What would your reaction be?

The reason I bring this up is that in a lifetime of marriage, there are plenty of Unexpected Things that happen. Some people just crumble. Others, find strength, down deep, and deal with it. Just read the stories coming out of Japan and New Zealand for some inspiring examples.

I suggest that you and FH might discuss, in depth, how you have in the past handled unexpected things and how that might have gone better, what you might have done differently, etc. There are no right and wrong answers, but this gives you insight into each other's thinking on the subject.

Here is my example. My husband and I both wanted to have an only child. He was the oldest of four and I was the older of two. We both felt that setting rules and boundaries for multiple children was difficult for our parents, because each child has different needs for boundaries and discipline. We wanted to have just one, then tailor our parenting style to the needs, maturity and abilities of that one. We also wanted to save for just one college education, etc.

I got pregnant, great, so far so good, and was very happy all was on schedule. Then, I found out I had twins. I nearly fell off the examining table in shock. We, suddenly, had to deal with two babies, two toddlers, car insurance payment hikes for two new male teenaged drivers, and two college educations.

Wow. We dealt with it by deciding we would treat our two children as distinct individuals. No "twinny" names, no identical clothes. We would set boundaries and house rules to suit each individual kid according to their needs. Even as babies, they had separate rooms and different room decor. We didn't have "twins", we told ourselves. We had two separate, individual boys who coincidentally were the exact same age (plus or minus a few minutes).

Even that bombed. Our two children LIKED being together. They LIKED playing together, camping out together, going to college together and now AS ADULTS THEY LIVE IN THE SAME TOWNHOUSE TOGETHER BY THEIR OWN CHOICE.

Then, came another family-shaking event: My sister died, leaving a teenaged daughter whose father was also deceased. My niece moved in with us, so suddenly with no warning we had THREE teenagers in the house at one time, testing boundaries, rules and expectations constantly, one of whom was in grief and shock at being orphaned at such a young age.

Did my life go as planned? No, not at all. Would I trade in my two sons and my niece for an "only" child? Never. Not in a million years. I love every minute of having them in my life.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Some advice?
Posted: Apr 5, 2011 2:50 PM Go to message in response to: VGamsky

Do I think 22 is too young to get married? Yup. But, who the hell am I to say?

I think there's something to be said for finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with early, and spending the rest of your life together. Truth is, I know plenty of people who married at 27+, to people they'd known since they were 19. Most of the time the reasons they waited was they didn't want to plan for marriage until after they finsihed school, and they have advanced degrees. So in some ways, they were no different than you -- they met early, and made a plan suitable for them.

While I'd probably tell an 18 year old something different, the truth is there's no "perfect" time to get married. There's no guarantee that a marriage at 19, 22, 25, or 40 will work, or won't work, for that matter.

What you've demonstrated in your post is a desire to plan for the future, and an ability to delay gratification to a future, better date. That's critical to being an adult. Or at least, a successful one.

So good luck. Truth is, there will be people (like me) who think anyone under 30 is nuts to get hitched. But I'm going to be chasing after a teenager at 50 (I'm 34 now, and pregnant with my first) which - I agree with you - is also nutty.

Again, good luck.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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Mrslinnben Posts : 2,286 Registered: 6/4/07
Re: Some advice?
Posted: Apr 5, 2011 3:25 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

Ms. D.....Um....Congrats?!?!

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