please help: my groom is breaking my heart

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vegalyrae Posts : 2 Registered: 3/27/11
please help: my groom is breaking my heart
Posted: Mar 27, 2011 4:27 PM

backstory, my groom and I have both been married before and both ended in disaster. he had the big wedding and I went to a courthouse. my first marriage was a joke and should have never lasted the 8 years that it did. he just didnt care about me, his son, or "us." videogames ruled his life.

fastforward....I meet the man of my dreams. we date, we move in together, his son and himself, my son and myself. we get engaged and have a child together. we have been engaged for almost a year now. our budget is INSANELY low....$300. needless to say I will be making almost everything, the dress, the decor, the food...ect. Due to the fact that we have a small baby we have desided to make the date aug 14th of 2012....our baby will be a bit older and planning and making everything for a wedding on our budget is mental suicide with a baby. by setting the date so late it gives me the time to make and plan everything.

So about a week ago I start planning. I asked my grrom how involved he wants to be (lets face it, he's a guy) and I get a shoulder shrug. leaving it at that I get online and spend hours looking at pictures of over 4000 dresses and finally find one I like and that I can make myself....and he hates it. I asked him lastnight if he could give me a rough estimate of who he wants to be invited, so that I could start planning and he says "yea, I dont want to think about that, I'm watching a show." Today I showed him a picture of the arch I will be making (BY HAND)and he started laughing at me and told me I was a bridezilla for starting the planning process this early. it's too soon to plan according to him. then he tells me that he'd rather just go to a judge and "get it over with" like it's a painful chore he HAS to do. he said he doesnt care about having a wedding ceremony. From the moment we became engaged up until now...in one year I have asked him who he wants there, and shown him 5 pictures, THATS IT! and he's acting like I have no buisness even TALKING bout it let alone planning our day this early.

I'm sorry but getting married, for me, deserves more than a trip to a courthouse and a signature. I dont think he understands just how much it hurts me when he acts like this.

anyone have any advice so I dont lose my sanity??

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sweet_jade Posts : 19 Registered: 2/9/11
Re: please help: my groom is breaking my heart
Posted: Mar 27, 2011 4:46 PM Go to message in response to: vegalyrae

Have you sat down with your FH and told him what you just told us? Perhaps having another wedding really isn't as important to him as it is to you. Sounds to me like he's more interested in the marriage than the party.

That being said, does he know how important this is to you? I'm certain he knows that you had a courthouse wedding previously but maybe he doesn't understand that you'd like to experience a "white" wedding with the man of your dreams.

Perhaps let him know that you feel hurt by his reactions. He may not even realize how his responses have affected you.

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vegalyrae Posts : 2 Registered: 3/27/11
Re: please help: my groom is breaking my heart
Posted: Mar 27, 2011 5:37 PM Go to message in response to: sweet_jade

I tried this morning to talk to him about it and thats when I got laughed at and called bridezilla. everytime I spoke he talked over me and then wondered why I was crying. I asked him if he had heard a work I said and his reply was "I think we need to have a nice long talk when I get home" which is exactly what he says to his son when he's in trouble and he wants him to think about it all night. This was over an hour before he had to leave and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the time he was home. I told him he had hurt my feeling and I was told we'd talk about it later and then got the silent treatment.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: please help: my groom is breaking my heart
Posted: Mar 27, 2011 7:34 PM Go to message in response to: vegalyrae

Dear Vega,

You need to put all wedding plans on ice and concentrate on what is best for you and your children.

This guy is breaking your heart before you even get married. What makes you think he won't break your heart even more after you get married?

I am serious about this. Think, carefully, about what is best for you and your children. If it means you break the engagement and move on through life as a single mom, then so be it. Being a single mom is infinitely better than being an unhappily married mom looking at another divorce.

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UKbride Posts : 29 Registered: 1/7/11
Re: please help: my groom is breaking my heart
Posted: Mar 27, 2011 10:14 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

I have three brothers, so it wasn't such a shock to my system when my bewildered fiance asked me why I was freaking out about planning an event that was a whopping 9 months away (lol...guys). There could be one of three things going on here: either 1) your fiance is aware (from his last wedding) that planning a wedding can be a draining chore and he just wants to put the planning off as long as possible, 2) he isn't really clued in about how much work all of this is going to be, or 3) he is just a loser of a guy who doesn't care that his actions are hurting you.

Any way you slice it, you guys need to communicate.

If he isn't sensitive enough to care about (or at least try to understand) how you're feeling, then Aunt is right--you may need to re-think the whole relationship. In my own experience, all it took was sitting down with my fiance and explaining how I felt (I gave him fair warning so he was mentally prepared for a conversation, and I did it when I wasn't worked up). Once he understood everything that was weighing on me, he was really sweet, helping to book our photographer and band, designing our save-the-date, and even answering questions about preferences, etc. Your fiance may never understand why you're stressing about a wedding that's a bazillion guy years away. However, if he's a good guy, he won't need to understand "why" in order to want to do what he can to make the situation better.

Now, that said, you ARE trying to plan a wedding that is three years away. That's like gearing up to plan your college graduation party while you're still a freshman. I think small, inexpensive weddings are a great idea, but if you're getting married three years from now and are already stressed about how much work it is going to be, maybe you could save up a little bit so that you have the money to buy some of the things (like a dress on clearance) that would be really stressful to make. If you put aside a dollar a day from now until then, you'd more than triple your budget. Just a thought.

Really hope things work out for you guys and that you can figure out what's best for you and your family. Good luck!

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: please help: my groom is breaking my heart
Posted: Mar 28, 2011 9:21 PM Go to message in response to: UKbride

Actually, they've set a date that is about 15 months away...and she's probably been given a freakishly low budget for a wedding so far out.

With that budget, EVERYTHING has to be made and that takes a lot of time for a single person. Add to that that she is a mother to three (His, hers, theirs) She's got a good reason to be stressing. And she needs to know the size of the guest list, as that is a very part of planning and DIYing stuff. It impacts the use of the budget

He doesn't care about the wedding. Okay. BUT does he care about the marriage?

What really concerns me is the "we'll talk about this when I get home from work," and then ignoring her while he gets ready....not something he says when he's on his way out the door and respecting that they do not have time to talk about it now. It was said in the same tone he uses when his son is in trouble -- thus telling her that is how he regards it. Then ignoring her.

In a nutshell, he's behaving like a controlling jerk.

Yes, maybe he doesn't want the fru-fru affair. HE's already had it. (And incidentally likely did not have to pay for it.) He probably thought it was a waste of time.

Okay...but she's had the courthouse and wants something more.

It does not have to be the standard cookie cutter wedding ceremony that he found an awful bore. But that does not mean he gets off with something that is not special....and that means only that SHE would not consider the courthouse ceremony to be special.

Clearly, they need to have a talk about what they are looking for in the ceremony itself. But he needs to respect her feelings in this and stop calling her bridezilla just because she wants to talk about THEIR wedding.

And if he can't talk about this without resorting to name calling, then there are deeper issues than him not wanting to give out the guest list.

Misty

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UKbride Posts : 29 Registered: 1/7/11
Re: please help: my groom is breaking my heart
Posted: Mar 29, 2011 6:47 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Good catch, Cat--I just re-read her post and saw it was August 14, 2012, not August 12, 2014! THAT makes more sense. Oh, poor girl..

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PLysak Posts : 288 Registered: 7/8/07
Re: please help: my groom is breaking my heart
Posted: Apr 1, 2011 5:48 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

I agree with Cat. In addition, I'd like to point out that the things that she showed him in the 5 pictures were belittled and laughed at. Uh, she's doing him a favor by NOT demanding a big shebang, and she's trying to do it within his crazy-low budget. The last thing that he should be doing is belittling her opinions.

OP, are you sure that you want to marry this guy? He reminds me a lot of my abusive ex-husband. Note I said "ex"...

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MaryMcGwen Posts : 19 Registered: 4/27/10
Re: please help: my groom is breaking my heart
Posted: Apr 6, 2011 6:40 PM Go to message in response to: PLysak

I'd have to agree with a bunch of the other posts... I think you need to look into this further before making a dress, creating a guest list, etc. I think there is a larger issue here.

You commented your fiance spoke to you as if you were his young son and then refused to talk to you afterwards for a period of time. This sounds controlling and 100% not healthy.

You have nothing to be ashamed of... you are working hard, a mom to three, taking the responsibility of an entire wedding in your solo hands and all you ask for is a few answers from him.

While it may be that he doesn't want a production for his second marriage... and he is entitled to this opinion, it is how he is going about it that is unexcusable. If I were you I'd tell him to grow up, start treating you and your future marriage with respect, or I would move on. Sorry :(.

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