dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist

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angelala Posts : 11 Registered: 3/21/11
dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 21, 2011 12:21 PM

ok... so i need some advice... when planning out our guest list my fiancee and i initially agreed on a 21+ wedding... both of our families are extremely large and it is impossible to have everyone... i have one single cousin on my mother's side of the family who is 16 and want him there so we are assigning him a job at the reception... now ever since my fiance's parents have caught wind of our plans they are really giving us hell about not inviting some of their nieces and nephews that they would like there... we even gave in to two out of their three requests! AND THIS IS STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM! they think we are setting an age limit because of money... we've explained that is not the case at all... MY parents are paying for the wedding and we want an ADULT wedding... they will not give up. they think they can pick and choose who ever they want from their side of the family... we have tried calmly to explain that it simply is not fair because there are several of my cousins under the age limit we have established that are not invited and we believe it has to be universal... if my family saw kids under our limit there on his side they would be hurt... we would love to have everyone there but simply can not. ever since they have been chirping in my fiance's ear he's starting to change his feelings about the age limit and now thinks that they can cherry-pick through their family and have some cousins and not others and my parents and i totally think this is extremely poor etiquette... this is supposed to be a happy time and my future in-laws are ruining this experience for me... i know there will always be disagreements when it comes to anything this big, but after all it is OUR wedding... i don't know what to do with them... they will not stop... they have asked my fiancee and i and my parents over for dinner this upcoming weekend to discuss their issue... but how i see it there really is nothing to discuss... they just push and push until they get their way and i'm afraid that i'm going to say some things that i will regret... i need some advice on how to handle this situation PLEASE!

Edited by: angelala on Mar 21, 2011 12:34 PM

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angelala Posts : 11 Registered: 3/21/11
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 21, 2011 12:56 PM Go to message in response to: angelala

any advice would be so very helpful...

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 21, 2011 1:12 PM Go to message in response to: angelala

You posted it a half an hour ago. Give people time. Someone may not have any thoughts on it and are waiting for others who give better advice.

Personally, YOUR FH should handle it. Also, if he's now changing his mind - your issue should be WITH HIM.

This is a huge red flag issue - is everything going to be like this from here on out? You two come to an agreement, his parents don't agree, so like a little kid he switches to what they want? Is that what you want for the rest of your life?

So - tell him you both agreed on an age limit. That is the ONLY FAIR way. HE has to stand up to his parents like an adult and say - This is what WE agreed on.

If he doesn't, I'd reconsider a lot more than just the guest list.

 

 

 

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angelala Posts : 11 Registered: 3/21/11
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 21, 2011 1:25 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

i wasn't trying to rush anyone...
thanks for the advice... my FH did take my side when he spoke to his parents and later told me that he always would, i do understand he just wants to make everyone happy... they just won't give up... thanks again...

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 21, 2011 3:26 PM Go to message in response to: angelala

OK - It's called a UNITED front then. And I'm really glad to hear that he stood firm.

All you can do is change the subject if it's brought up.

They bring it up, this subject is closed. And change the subject.

If they persist, HE can take a hard line with them and say if they refuse to respect YOUR (both of your) wishes, then they will no longer be included in the wedding discussion.

But that's his choice to make.

 

 

 

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bostonterrierbr... Posts : 129 Registered: 11/8/06
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 21, 2011 3:45 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I agree with PharmTox. If you've made the cut at an age limit, and his parents are not contributing to the wedding, then that's that. If you agree to go to dinner you're just showing them you'll cave, and at that point you're dragging in your parents as well.

Hhave FH call them up, explain to them you will not be attending dinner as the subject is closed, and tell them firmly the decision is final. If they push, he needs to tell them they won't be included in the wedding planning any more. I know you want to have peaceful relations with them, but from the tone of your letter I get the feeling neither you nor FH has stated, loud and clear, that "it ain't happening". Once they see that you're serious they'll back off, and if they don't then follow through with the consequences.
"Hello son and FDIL, we'd really like to talk with you about the wedding"
"Sorry FMIL, we tried that before and you got pushy. I guess the wedding will be full of surprises for you guys!"

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 21, 2011 3:51 PM Go to message in response to: bostonterrierbr...

I would still consider dinner as long as it's understood that this topic is not for discussion.

And be careful about who's paying vs who's not - because then they may offer to pay for the people they want to invite...

So firmly - There's an age limit. This is what we decided and want. This is it and there is NO further discussion.

 

 

 

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angelala Posts : 11 Registered: 3/21/11
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 10:53 AM Go to message in response to: angelala

just to clarify a few things... i was looking for some advice on a situation that i am struggling with regarding my wedding... i was not looking for an english lesson... i am sorry my original post was difficult to read, i'm new to this site and will try to make this one a bit easier for you all to read if you choose to... however, i do appreciate all of the helpful advice that has been provided...

and for the record - after i re-read my post i left a word out that is why i edited it... i did not edit the context. i hope that clarifies things for those of you who referred to me as "shady".

(second paragraph)
both my fiance and i are close to my 16 year old cousin that i referred to... he is the only cousin that i have on my mother's side that is under 21 and i don't want him to be left out, that is why we figured a job for him to have at our reception... i only have 2 cousins on that side of my family (one 23 and one 16) and frankly we are so much closer to the maternal side of my family than my paternal side which i have several cousins under 21... i am close to a few of the cousins i have on my dad's side but i don not think it's right to just invite those and not all...

thanks cat for somewhat understanding my struggles...
"it sounds like the two they caved on for the ILs were for a compromise. That does not mean they have to cave on every single one of them. They wanted one 16 year old, found him a job. FMIL had a hissy and she gave them two non-adults to compromise, now FMIL has received an inch, she wants a mile."
you have summed that up perfectly...

after talking to my fiance last night we feel that we have to eliminate my cousin (who we all want there) just to appease his parents and give them zero exceptions to the rule.
again, not what we want to do, but what we feel might be the best solution.

we have a son who will be 15 months old at the time of our wedding and he is an obvious exception to the rule because he is our child... this isn't a matter of being cruel and not inviting children because we simply don't like them... it's a matter of our budget and the space we have to work with... plain and simple - there are just too many cousins to invite them all... furthermore, neither of us are really close to all them anyway... we were giving my in-laws a few exceptions because they are close to their parents...

just for a side note: when our son was baptized we were planning a small reception to celebrate... we were planning on inviting just our parents, siblings, grandparents and god-parents...
my FMIL sat here and cried in my living room saying how much it would hurt her family not to be invited... we respected her wishes and invited her 11 siblings and their spouses and my father's 9 siblings and their spouses (to make it fair)... maybe that was my biggest mistake in giving in to her then... i'm sure now she thinks i always will give in to her requests... but this time i'm standing my ground...

thanks again for those who gave me helpful advice.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 11:25 AM Go to message in response to: angelala

Dear Angela,

When you have an age limit for guests, the ONLY exceptions should be:

1. The couple's siblings
2. The couple's own children
3. The couple's own grandchildren

Allowing an exception for a cousin means your rule is not hard and fast. It means exceptions can be made, and now FH's family wants more exceptions. You shot yourself in the foot when you made your first exception for your young cousin.

Second: You really need to learn to write in complete sentences using proper English. Capitalize "I" when using the first person. Avoid "..." stuff. That looks very high school, and high school girls are too young to get married.

This is a forum for adults and adults avoid text-speak when writing on a message board.

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angelala Posts : 11 Registered: 3/21/11
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 12:14 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

thank you for the advice... that is what i was asking for... not to be grammatically corrected... so if it's advice you have then please, by all means give it... if you have an issue with the way i choose to format my posts then kindly move along... you need not reply... (dot-dot-dot) thanks

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 1:42 PM Go to message in response to: angelala

I've kind of been following this thread, and I don't know if anyone else has caught this, but the O.P is totally changing her story. In her first post she says the issue isn't about money, but that they just want an adult only wedding.

they think we are setting an age limit because of money... we've explained that is not the case at all... MY parents are paying for the wedding and we want an ADULT wedding

Then here she says it is infact about the money.

this isn't a matter of being cruel and not inviting children because we simply don't like them... it's a matter of our budget and the space we have to work with... plain and simple - there are just too many cousins to invite them all...

My advice to the O.P, get your story and reasons straight as to why you are not inviting certain people. Forget about the age limit, and give your family X amount of spots, and your FIL's X amount of spots. You shouldn't get to choose who gets invited on your FH's side and who doesn't. That is between your FH and his parents.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 4:36 PM Go to message in response to: angelala

angelala, here's what I think you should do.

1) Go ahead with the dinner. All parties should be there; your in-laws AND your FILs.

2) Frankly, I don't know why everyone is getting hard pressed about your rules. The truth is, your parents make the rules. They're paying. If they said no one under 21 except a 16 year old, then it's no one under 21 except the 16 year old. They have final say, period.

3) That said, I'd get rid of the "rule" altogether at this point. If it's not applied consistently, then feelings will be hurt. And the point of the rule was to not hurt feelings. So you can either keep a steadfast rule, or not. I vote no.

4) So, where are we now? You need a guest list. You have a budget. Come up with a guest list you feel most comfortable with. Allow some number of guests from their side. Give them that number, and that's what they get. They want more? They can pay for it.

5) Come to the dinner with your guest list, and some assortment of slots for their guests. And when you walk away from that dinner, everyone should know EXACTLY where they stand. Some people will be disappointed. That sucks -- but that isn't unusual when you're talking about wedding guest lists.

6) Stick to the guest list. Unlike the over-21 rule, you've got to mean it.

Good luck! I know this is tough. Don't hate on your in-laws too much. They want people there because they are excited, and they want others to join in. Doesn't make them crazy, or mean, or anything. . .it just means they are really excited about the wedding.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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angelala Posts : 11 Registered: 3/21/11
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 5:08 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsDJLeo

"they think we are setting an age limit because of money... we've explained that is not the case at all... MY parents are paying for the wedding and we want an ADULT wedding"

^This is true. Our budget ia allowing us to invite my 16 year old cousin and two on my fiance's side

Then here she says it is infact about the money.

"this isn't a matter of being cruel and not inviting children because we simply don't like them... it's a matter of our budget and the space we have to work with... plain and simple - there are just too many cousins to invite them all..."

^ This is also true. Our budget doesn't allow us to invite all of our cousins. We were making a few exceptions for my future in-laws because that is something that would work for us, however, we are unable to invite all 20 of them under the age of 21. My parents and I do not think it is fair to invite some and not the others.

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 7:02 PM Go to message in response to: angelala

Why not just invite the cousins you are closest too then, the ones that you actually socialize with outside of family functions? Why does age even have to be a factor in it then? I invited my all of my first cousins and parents siblings, but when it came to second cousins and my parents aunts/uncles, I only invited those I was close with. No feelings were hurt (that I'm aware of) because it was based on those who are apart of our lives on a regular basis. My rule was if I couldn't put a face to the name, they weren't invited, LOL, but I stuck with my initial rule and didn't make exceptions.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: dealing with pushy future in-laws regarding our guestlist
Posted: Mar 22, 2011 7:32 PM Go to message in response to: angelala

Dear Angela,

"if you have an issue with the way i choose to format my posts then kindly move along... you need not reply... "

OK, I'm done. This is not a message board for illiterate high school girls.

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