Engaged and dissapointed

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goodgenie Posts : 5 Registered: 2/15/11
Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 15, 2011 10:14 PM

I got engaged on February 11th and what should have been the happiest time of my life is not. First the ring... Recently, I was helping a friend pick out a ring for his GF and while browsing the web I saw a ring that I really loved. It was an intricate thick band 'sandwiched' between two plain bands. At the time I showed it to my BF and I guess he tought I would be interested in a 3 bands wedding ring. As a result, he 'surprised' me with an eternity band (the middle band). And we're supposed to go shop together for the wedding bands. It is a pretty band but just not engagement ring material.

Second the announcement... although somewhat dissapointed in the engagement ring, I'm still happy because I am marrying the man of my dreams. I just expected my friends to be as excited for me as I was when they announced their engagements. Only one of my friends was super happy for me, as for the others the first question they ask is about the ring, once I tell them it's an eternity band, they lose interest! I left a message to my best friend telling her I have exciting news to share and 3 days later I'm still waiting for her to call me back!!!!

And now today, my BF has learned that he might lose his job at the end of March!!!!

What the heck???? I know I should be happy. I'm 35 and have been dreaming my whole life about marrying the perfect man. I'm about to and yet it just doesnt feel exciting.

Anyone has any words of wisedome to share? I'm really looking for some lift-me-up here.

Thanks for listening.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 15, 2011 11:05 PM Go to message in response to: goodgenie

Dear Genie,

"Anyone has any words of wisdom to share? I'm really looking for some lift-me-up here."

It's just that by the time you hit the advanced age of 35, you know that sometimes things don't follow your pre-imagined agenda.

Consider, for a second, going in to see the boss and asking for a raise. You can rehearse it in your mind all you want. You have been a good employee, you have increased revenue in your department, bla bla bla.

How many times does it ACTUALLY HAPPEN like you imagined? Here's what happens in reality:

You have your speech ready, you've rehearsed in front of the mirror and/or with a supportive friend. You knock on the door:

Boss: Hey I bet you are here for a raise. Let's cut to the chase. How about 5% starting in May sound to you? You've done a good job and I don't want to lose you.

You: Umm, err, sure, sounds great. But don't you want to hear that great speech I have all ready for you?

Boss: Nope, don't have time. Thanks for stopping by. I'll tell Payroll to send the paperwork over to you.

?????

How do you feel? You pretty much got what you wanted, but it sure did not happen the way you expected. (WHERE are the trumpets??? Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-TAAA I got a raise.)

So, you are going through something similar. The ring is not what you expected, and you are trying to think about either taking it as it is, or maybe getting something different. Your friends are not acting as you hoped.

It's weird, yeah I know.

So... what now. You tell yourself "Hey, the bottom line is I'm getting a 5% raise, which is good in this economy and I'm going to end up married to a wonderful man and have a happy life, also good."

Then you turn on the TV news and watch the events transpiring in Egypt, Tunisia and the rest of the Middle East and imagine the joy and hope when ordinary people, in 18 days, peacefully overturn a 30-year brutal dictatorship.

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goodgenie Posts : 5 Registered: 2/15/11
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 16, 2011 10:00 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Hi Aunt,

Thanks... I cracked up a couple times while reading your post but you are absolutely right. No bells and whistles but the end result is the same, I'm marrying 'my' best guy!

;)

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08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 16, 2011 10:02 AM Go to message in response to: goodgenie

I agree with Aunt, we girls need to all get together and pop that fantasy bubble from our heads!

I dreamed of the "perfect" proposal for years. However, the proposal did not match my husband's personality. He's more a private person. Do I resent not getting that perfect proposal, no because it would have made my husband extremely uncomfortable.

As for your friends, sometimes excitement has to settle in. They may get excited as time gets closer or when you guys go wedding dress shopping, or making major decisions for the wedding. Maybe they are happy for you, but they have their own personal issues they're dealing with. If neither are the case, fine. Forget about them, do not allow others to steal your joy during this exciting time.

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mrscreamer2be Posts : 153 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 16, 2011 12:40 PM Go to message in response to: goodgenie

I'm glad you're getting over being disappointed :). I felt a little similar. Not about the proposal, but about the ring and my familys' excitement. (A few days after the proposal)

It seemed like everyone in my family made a comment about my ring. The main one -it's small. My mom even said, I would have given you mine! It just made me doubtful. I realized, you know what, I picked out my ring and I LOVE IT! It fits my lifestyle and it's heavy enough for me as it is.

Also the excitement part,..."It's about time" is what most of my family said.

Needless to say, I got over it quick, and I'm glad you're doing the same. My husband is the sweetest, most caring person I know and I wouldn't trade that for anything :)

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goodgenie Posts : 5 Registered: 2/15/11
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 16, 2011 1:53 PM Go to message in response to: mrscreamer2be

Hi Ladies, thanks for your response.

To Divabride & Aunt: actually I'm not dissapointed with the proposal itself (though maybe my post made it sound this way). The proposal was what I wanted, unexpected, sweet and intimate.

To Cheetah, I have to agree with PhamToxGirl, I hope your comment didn't mean that because I'm 35 my expectations should be lower. Beside, I'm sorry but at 35, I still feel young!!! I didnt marry early by choice, not because I couldn't find anyone.

To MrsScream, I love love love your profile pix!!! And I agree, no matter how disspointed we can be, the end result is we found sweet guys to spend our life with.

Finally, I didnt mean for my post to sound like I was ungrateful because I'm not. I'm sure I'm not the girl to be dissapointed in the ring. Does it mean that I appreciate my BF less, not at all. At the end, he wanted to give me something he thought I would appreciate and I'm still grateful for that.

Maybe I should have mentionned it but my FH and I live far away from friends and family. And because of the distance and the fact that we dont get to see them often, we have made great efforts to really be 'present' to celebrate milestone events with them when we physically cannot be there such as engagements, weddings, baby announcements, children's birthdays, etc. We try to never let any event pass without a telephone call, a card, a gift, anything to let them know that we think of them. I just expected some of it to come back our way. But hey... such is life.

I'm happy for the encouraging words from you ladies. Thanks!

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08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 16, 2011 2:20 PM Go to message in response to: goodgenie

GoodGenie, I read your post right, I was just using my personal story as an example.

I can understand you being upset with your friends because they don't share your enthusiasm. Especially when they call with their good news and you jump through the roof with them, and don't get the same reaction when it's your turn. I stand by my decision to ignore them and enjoy your moment!

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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 16, 2011 6:57 PM Go to message in response to: goodgenie

Genie, unfortunately, sometimes life is like this. I experience a lot of the same emotions and the best advice I can give you is to continue to be happy for yourself. Enjoy your engagement and let everything else just roll of your back. I missed out on a lot of joy being upset about other people's emotions and I do not want that for you.

As for FH's job, I am so sorry about it and I hope that things will work out for you guys. In my experience God always makes a way.

@Cheetah, I sure hope you didn't mean it that way but that comment sounded pretty harsh.

That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. Innocent

Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People

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PolarIce Posts : 39 Registered: 12/17/10
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 17, 2011 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: goodgenie

First off Congrats! that is so exciting! I got engaged on Valentines day, so I was just a little off your big day.

The most important thing with what you've been through so far, is that you have the most important person in your life, now officially standing at your side. What's important is how happy you BOTH are, not friends or family, tho it would be nice if they could share the same emotions and feelings you are feeling. It's unfortunate that they could not be happy for you after such big news. It would make me question the friendship with them.

As for the ring, what others feel of the ring does not matter. If you are happy with it, then it's all that matters! if you find you are not happy with it later down the road, then there is always that option to change it, but what the rest of the world thinks of it shouldn't matter.

Sorry to hear about your FH's work condition. My fiance's work situation is similar. He left his full time position to focus on a new career path, and it's been financially stressful and difficult for him.

Keep smiling and focus on your new engagement. There are thousands of women out there who could only dream to be in your position. Don't let those women or family in your life take you down.

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mrscreamer2be Posts : 153 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 17, 2011 11:24 AM Go to message in response to: goodgenie

@ genie, Thanks for the complement :) and congrats on your engagement!

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WellWisher Posts : 175 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 17, 2011 11:50 AM Go to message in response to: mrscreamer2be

Goodgenie,

I would just like to say that I am right there with you. I think as little girls we were programed to think that we were going to toil away like Cinderella, meet a prince, and then we would be graced with lives of sunshine, music playing at the perfect moments, and always have clean floors and never dirty dishes. Or whatever your Happily Ever After looks like. I'm just at the point where reality is smacking me in the face and realizing that while I am deeply in love with my Fiance, life just isn't what it was cracked up to be.

I talked with my Fiance about it and you know what? The same kind of thing happens with guys too. I think that a lot of people think that "once I find the perfect girl/get the promotion/ get out of debt/ finish this Christmas shopping, life is going to be better." in reality life can be constantly stressful. And I you don't know what I'm talking about, think about your future in-laws ;)

My engagement also did not go how I thought it always would, my ring also is not the perfect thing it would be, my future inlaws are going to put me in the mad house and my wedding planning is way too high drama for my taste. I feel like we could have a fantastic time comparing notes. However in the end we get to marry the men we love, and that more than evens the score. I guess gals like us just have to keep that in mind!

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 17, 2011 1:01 PM Go to message in response to: WellWisher

Ladies,

" I think as little girls we were programed to think that we were going to toil away like Cinderella, meet a prince, and then we would be graced with lives of sunshine, music playing at the perfect moments, and always have clean floors and never dirty dishes. "

Who did that programming? All the commercial advertisements on TV.

Buy this toothpaste, this breakfast cereal, this shampoo and you will be graced with lives of sunshine, music playing at perfect moments and always have clean floors and never dirty dishes.

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AlwaysSublime Posts : 28 Registered: 9/17/08
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 19, 2011 8:01 PM Go to message in response to: goodgenie

I can reply to the second part. The same phone-call scenario happened to me with 2 of my friends. It was days before I heard back from them.

Basically, life does sometimes get in the way. I am a bridesmaid in a good friend's wedding, and I have not seen her the past two months just because we have been so busy! Most likely it is not a sign of them being not excited. When they do call I am sure they will be happy to share the joy!

Even with family my FH and I had some hohum reactions to our engagement. I brushed it off and attributed it to the fact that we have been together 4 years and everyone knew it was coming eventually. For the one or two that do not react the way you expected, they are 10 that are excited and thrilled! Concentrate on those reactions and how happy YOU are with the engagement!

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goodgenie Posts : 5 Registered: 2/15/11
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 21, 2011 1:32 PM Go to message in response to: goodgenie

Hi Ladies,

thanks for the encouraging words

@ WellWisher: I know about drama. In my case, my in-laws are superbe, it's my own family that is driving me crazy already. My mom is upset about the fact that we're thinking of having a 15 to 18 months engagement. I'm a dressmaker and March to August is my busiest time with well... WEDDING season! so I really won't have the time to actually plan my own. Which is ok with me but seems to annoy everyone else in my family. When my cousin got married, she had a 6 month engagement and everyone complained because it was too short!!! Can't win!!!

As for the ring, I would be happy to report that after a week of wearing it, it was growing on me but I would be lying!!! I still don't like it. And contrary to what some may believe it's not because it lacks glitter. When my FH and I first talked about getting married, I BEGGED him not to buy me a traditional engagement ring. I LOVE jewelries but I've always favored unique, one-of-a-kind pieces. 95% of the jewelry I wear is either custom-made or unique pieces. That's what I wanted for my engagement ring. I didn't even care that I was gold or diamond, I just wanted something unique that represented me. So for me to have an eternity band that you find on every other finger, is just not me. Although I treasure the meaning behind the ring, I will never like the esthetic of it.

So anyways, on Saturday, my FH asked me if I still liked the ring. I decided to be honest with him and told him that while I was over the moon with the engagement, I didn't really like the ring. Well this look of... relief appeared on his face. He admitted to me, that when he bought the ring, he wasn't sure of his choice. That's not what he wanted to give me, but he thought that this is what I wanted. He said that when he put the ring on my finger, he knew for sure he didn't like it because he tought the ring didn't resemble me. He just assumed, seeing me jump up and down the whole house, that I was happy with the ring. He wanted to return the ring but because it was re-sized, he can't. I told him, that I didn't want him to spend more money and we decided that when we were going to shop for the wedding bands, we'll just look at something more unique.

Well, on Sunday, one of my clients, who makes jewelries, contacted me for a dress. I told her about my ring and sent her a picture of it. Later on, she emailed me with sketches of ring wraps (I had never heard of them before) that I could attach to my band and make it more unique looking. We agreed that if I paid for the metal and gemstones, she wouldn't charge me for labor in return for a good discount on her dress... um... yeah...AGREED!!!!

So my FH and I are really happy and decided that if we like her work, we'll probably ask her to do our wedding bands too.

Anyways, sorry for the long post, but I really wanted to share this with you ladies, because you have been really supportive and also to just say: don't settle - no matter how old you are or how 'mature' you should be or what people may say. I really believe that if you have high expectations, eventually you will have higher rewards, even if you have to go through minor dissapointements along the way.

Oh yeah, and my friend who was really happy for me, is more than making up for the lack of enthusiasm from others. She has bought bunch of bridal magazines and has made a list of all the bridal salons we should go visit. She keeps emailing me pictures of dresses and reception halls she thinks I would like. My FH keeps joking that if she keeps going this way, she's gonna be the one walking down the aisle at what should be our wedding ;)

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Engaged and dissapointed
Posted: Feb 21, 2011 1:51 PM Go to message in response to: goodgenie

GG - Wonderful!! A ring wrap sounds awesome and hey, discounts on services rendered on both sides is awesome!

And I'm glad that your one friend is over the moon - that's awesome.

As for drama regarding engagement length - it is what it is. As long as you and your FH are happy about it - then just stick to your guns and ignore the others.

 

 

 

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