frustrated, confused and hurt

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frustratedinflo... Posts : 1 Registered: 2/11/11
frustrated, confused and hurt
Posted: Feb 11, 2011 3:59 PM

Hello,

I wanted to post my thoughts somewhere and possibly get some advice or opinions from a outside point of view. Its long (sorry about that)... but you know what? sometimes it helps to write it out.

Here are some of the factors in our situation:

My age: 25
His age: 31

Length of relationship: 3 years (+5 or 6month if you count the time prior to his moving to my town), though I have known him through aquaintences since I was 19 or 20 (we started dating when I was 6 months into my career)

Employment/education: Both out of school (him longer than me) and working decent paying, stable professional jobs at the same large company, just at different office locations in our city.

Living situations: I rent a 1br apt, he owns a 4br house (purchased a little over one year ago). We each have a dog (his is a about a year old..)

Financial situation: He is a little better off than I am though we make fairly close to the same salaries. He has (most unfortunately) benefited from some inheritances in the past several years. I have debt that I am paying off (making progress, its just slow and projected debt free date is 18 months from now).


Ok, those are the facts, now here is some of our history (from my point of view, of course)

I want to get engaged, get married, and have kids. He does too (he says). We have had the "yes, we would both like marriage and kids in the future" talk and also the "you are someone I can see myself with forever" talk. I brought up the idea of living together about a year ago when my lease renewal was coming around. I thought it was a good idea to live together for several reasons (first and foremost being because I love him and want to be with him but also for some logical reasons as well). He was not ready at that point, which was fine. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. He said though that it was definiately something he could see in the future. For some reason, I signed a shorter lease term at my place.

Fast forward 7 months to the end of my lease and I bring it up again. He isn't ready...can't really give me an explanation. we have lots of tears (mine of course) and discussions and finally come to the realization that we have differing views on when you should live together. He is of the school that you should be engaged or about to be engaged when you live together, and I think that you should live together prior to being engaged. Fine.. still not ready.

Around this time we had alot of arguments and discussions, using over things stemming from the progress in our relationship. I don't want to push or give ultimatums, but at the same time there are things I want to do in life and I want to do them with him..before I am too old. He feels like he is being put on a schedule and that I am guilt triping him because he is not keeping up with my schedule. (I am more or less an anal retentive person at times and about certain things... I like to call it being on top of things...). I don't necessarily need a schedule ("we will be engaged by " etc, ) but I do like to know that we are going to get there and that we are progressing along the path to get there.

The living situation was also an issue. Because he had gotten a dog (which I thought was a great idea being a dog lover myself, though I was hurt that he went out and got a dog (a 10+yr commitment)on a whim while I was on a business trip but wasn't willing to give us a shot living together...) he couldn't stay at my apartment. At the time I was in an 800 sq ft apartment 30 minutes away and could not have another dog at my place without risking violating my lease and getting kicked out. Plus, the dog is a barker and I have thin walls. So, nights together were spent at his place on weekend. I packed a bag EVERY weekend and stayed with him. It was too inconvenient to drive back home all the time (1 hr round trip). This got old. We didn't stay together during the week because my office is on one side town and his is on the other (don't mind the drive... but it doesn't make sense when I had an apartment 3 miles from work). Also, my having a dog was a logistical issue. So apart from seeing him at intramural sports games for an hour or two(we play on 2-3 different teams together) throughout the week, we only saw eachother on weekends. At one point during the rough time we decided to give my staying at his place during the week a trail. I came home from a 2 week business trip and never actually went back to my apartment. I had everything I needed so I just stayed at his place. I went to work and after work I came back to his place. This went on for about 2-3 weeks until I couldn't take living out of my suitcase anymore. In hindsight we should have set a time limit on it. I was reluctant to say "i'm going home" and he was never going to say "get out"...so it was not a good situation.

Insert lots of super fun discussion about future plans and scheduling life etc and I accept the fact that he just isn't ready. So as I said my lease was up and I was unhappy where I was living. I found a nicer, bigger place that was a little farther from work for me, but it was also closer to his side of town. I wanted to make the living separately easier by living a little closer (the new location was also convenient to a few other my activities)

I focused my attentions on setting up my new place and enjoying it, instead of resenting the fact that I am living in an apartment still and "staying over" instead of living with him. Tensions have eased up in the past several months, probably because I dropped the subject for a while and just concentrated on me and my new place (which I love).


Fast forward to present day and the issue at hand...

I have done very well staving ooff the feelings about living together and moving forward with out relationship. I have had a few revelations as well:

1. I don't want to live in HIS house. It is his house, and even if I move there and we say it is OUR house... it will always be HIS house (i neglected to mention the arguments we have over the AC in his house, resulting in me almost walking out in the middle of the night once. it was a petty fight, resulting i am sure from the living situation tensions). If/when we live together, we need a space that we can call OURS. His house now it too big (he bought it for "investment" purposes); what does a bachelor need with a 4 br 2 story house? yeah...exactly.

2. There are some personal things I need to get control of. I mentioned the debt that I have. I do not want to bring that into an engagement or a marriage for that matter. As I mentioned, this is under control.. but it just takes time.

3. I needed to take care of myself. Over the past year or so of emotional turmoil compounded with the long distance grad school I did at the start of my career, I packed on pounds and was not happy about it. I wasn't happy about that and I suspect it made me not happy about many other things. I had about 60 lbs to lose and am currently just over halfway there. I have noticed that I seem to be in general a happier person in the months since I started to get healthy again.

4. I am getting left behind. This is shallow and stupid and completely irrelevant to what my boyfriend and I have, but I can't help it. Friends are engaged, married, getting engaged, talking about kids... and so even are my friends younger siblings. His friends are all married (as his group of friends is a couple years older) and always joke that the homosexual friend in their group will be married before my boyfriend.

As I said, I have done a fairly good job of ignoring my urges to bring up living together and ultimateing getting engaged, but now I just can't seem to get past the fact that we are stagnating. We are going no where fast. Am I being strung along? wasting my time? I have no idea and I am torn.

On one hand, I want to live together and get engaged. On the other, based on the revelations I have had of late, I don't know if the timing is right. Then on the other hand (I have alot of hands) its love and shouldn't always be about timing. And on the other hand I needs some reassurance that we are destined for marriage, even if we aren't ready to be married at this point in time.

I don't know what to do, but I do know that he and I need to talk. I had a conversation with one of my friends (known her since I started working) at lunch this week. she and her boyfriend of 4 months have started talking about marriage (locations, rings, living situations... actual detailed talks). And here I am, over 3 years in and dying for some shred of committment or promise. I am sure this conversation is what sparked this recent internal alarm clock attach on my heart, but it doesn't mean that I don't have those feelings all the time. I just bury them well usually.

He and I will need to talk. I am usualy good about talking to him when something bothers me...usually because this is the one issue that is a hot button. But if we are going to have a future together, well, then we need to be able to communicate effectively.

I don't know how to approach this talk. He needs to understand that I am hurting and feeling like I am being strung along, but I don't know how to get that point across with out making him feel like a freak for not conforming to the standard relationship schedule and being 30+ and not engaged or married. Like I said, I don't think we could be married in the next year or so, because of living situations and financial situations... but what is wrong with a longer engagement? I need something more... and I don't want to wait forever.

please help

Edited by: frustratedinflorida on Feb 11, 2011 5:34 PM

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: frustrated, confused and hurt
Posted: Feb 11, 2011 4:14 PM Go to message in response to: frustratedinflo...

Dear FCH,

It all boils down to:

You want to get married to him.

He wants to get married but not to you.

If he wanted to marry you, he'd pick up on all these decision points and seal the deal. He does not want to marry you, but does not want to break up with you.

Here is my suggestion. It is all very well to be a "planner", but when you start planning someone else's life for them in opposition to that that person wants, you'll run into the kind of dilemma you have now. Your boyfriends wants his own independent life in his own house with his own choice of pets and "date" a woman in her own independent life in her own place with her own choice of pets. He's quite happy with his life. Why should he make any kind of change, especially a change for a woman he doesn't particularly want to marry?

You need to spend some time with yourself and decide, privately, at what point you will give up on this guy. If he doesn't propose marriage by X Date, you will politely break up with him, declare yourself to be Single and go out into the world where marriage-minded men can be found. Eventually you will meet a marriage-minded man who wants to marry you. You say nothing about X Date. It's just a promise you make to yourself. If X Date comes and goes without any committment from you boyfriend, cut your losses and bail.

In my opinion, THANK GOODNESS you have stayed in your own place. Things would be far messier if you were living with him.

I am 56 years old and have been married for almost 35 years. I have seen a lot of life and a lot of relationships come and go in my lifetime. I have two adult sons who love women, love spending time with women, but are positively allergic to marriage. Both of my sons are having a great time with a series of women in their respective lives, and neither see any reason to make a change. They live together as brother/brother roommates.

I have seem many couples go through the years and decades "engaged" or "almost engaged" or something like that. They want to be seen as an official couple, but they never quite make it to the altar. Do you want that in your future? Another 3 years, then another 3 years waiting for your guy to make up his mind?

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jujugirl Posts : 42 Registered: 4/8/10
Re: frustrated, confused and hurt
Posted: Feb 11, 2011 4:41 PM Go to message in response to: frustratedinflo...

It's kinda funny for me reading your story because it is almost identical to mine. My boyfriend and i only see each other on weekends because of work and life. All my friends are married or engaged. My best friend and her husband are even pregnant with their second child and she is 4 yrs younger then me. You just feel like whats wrong with me.I understand the not living together because my boyfriend does not want us to live together until we are married. I am just fine with that. I myself am getting ready to have a talk with my boyfriend about our relationship. I want to know where it is going and not that i have just wasted my time. I feel the same way you do I want to talk about it but not feel like im pressuring him cause im not. I just need clarification. what i decided to do is write all my feeling down and all the questions i want answered. Its easier for me to write thing down then i keep my emotions in control. I also told him about this talk so he wouldnt be caught off guard. we are going to have this talk next weekend because i didn't want to have it just before valentines day. If your like me maybe writing everything down then going over it with him without any real pressure might make him feel better and you can have a better clue on where things are going. I hope that helps some. If you need someone to talk to i understand what you are going through and am willing to listen. best of luck


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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: frustrated, confused and hurt
Posted: Feb 11, 2011 5:12 PM Go to message in response to: frustratedinflo...

I agree with everything Aunt said.

Look, if he wanted to marry YOU, he would have taken the opportunity back when your lease was up. He hasn't even budged on living together, because he'd only do that with someone he wants to marry. He doesn't want to marry you.

I'm especially sure because you implied he was uneasy when you stayed at his house for three weeks and he seemed ready for you to go. When a guy's with someone he wants to marry, he's not waiting for her to leave.

I say cut your losses while you're 25. 25 is pretty young to accomplish what you want, including getting healthier, getting out of debt, and getting married. Sounds like a great plan, and sounds like he's dead weight.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: frustrated, confused and hurt
Posted: Feb 11, 2011 5:35 PM Go to message in response to: jujugirl

Ladies,

" but not feel like im pressuring him cause im not"

Pressuring is a negative word. That sounds like you are forcing someone to do something they don't want to do.

Instead, think of it as a positive statement of choices.

"I want to accomplish X in my life. Are you with me on that?"

X can be anything:

Get married
Have children
Live in Paris
Cruise the Caribbean
Own a house
Participate in a religion
Finish college
Lose weight
Enjoy fine wine
Participate in community theater
Learn to play the tuba
Go to Antarctica (I know people there right now!!!)

You don't have to agree on every last detail. For example, it's feasible for one to learn the tuba without the other having to do that. The non-tuba player should at least be OK with tuba practice for an hour or two a day. One could be an avid traveler, while the other stays home most of the time. (ie my marriage.)

However, it takes two to get married, two to have children, two to agree on a residence.

If your goal is to marry that particular man, and that particular man does not share the goal of marrying you, then you have a problem. It's time to cut your losses and politely break up, then get back in Circulation.

That's not pressure. That's telling a guy that you do not share his goal of living indefinitely without the reasonable expectation of a timely engagement followed by a marriage. After all, his very actions indicate what his goals are.

You two could both be very nice people, but if you don't have the same goals in areas where you have to have the other on board, then it's time to part company.

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AngelAnn Posts : 1 Registered: 2/11/11
Re: frustrated, confused and hurt
Posted: Feb 11, 2011 6:40 PM Go to message in response to: frustratedinflo...

Hi. I went through a lot of the same things you are going through. People said, "Move on, because if he wanted to marry you, he already would have done it."
That's not always true. Sometimes due to past girlfriend trauma or a bad example from parents, etc. a man might not commit right away.
But think about this - When a woman is not proud of her looks (weight-wise, etc.) or her life circumstances (debt), she might put out a certain neediness vibe that is really unattractive. She doesn't have to be perfect, but she should be happy with the direction she is heading in.
My guy was the most attracted to me when I told him (and backed it up with action) that I didn't Need him, but I would prefer to be with him. I created a lot "going on" in my life, so was not "waiting" for him, even though I kinda was! I even took a quilting class to keep myself busy, lol!
Finally I said to him, "Look, I love you so much, and I believe you love me, but if we are not headed toward being a permanent couple, then I need to find someone who wants that too, because that (being married) is my dream and path."
He said to give him four months.
I did, and then nothing.
So then I said, "I want to talk about my engagement ring... Do you know what kind I want?" I showed him a sketch.
The next weekend, we went ring shopping.
We got engaged on New Year's Eve.
P.S. EVERYONE I knew told me he would never commit, but now that he did, he's totally on board for all our wedding planning! We set the date for August!
So...Don't give up, but do work on yourself (that's a good plan, no matter what) and be ready to really move, if the deadline comes and goes. If it is your passion to marry, you will find the right guy! :)

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: frustrated, confused and hurt
Posted: Feb 11, 2011 7:44 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

I'm with Aunt (and MrsD) on set a personal date for yourself. If the relationship is not where you want it to be at that date - cut your losses.

Good luck!

 

 

 

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