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Waiting for the Ring

Waiting for a ring that will never be?

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VintageBride143 Posts : 7 Registered: 9/27/08

Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 13, 2011 10:20 PM; I thought I'd post in here, for advice or maybe just to vent...either way thanks for any advice you may have...

I've been in a very happy relationship with my bf for neary 5 & 1/2 years.We get along perfectly and never argue...we've always been content and happy in love. Now he has me confused and questioning everything. We've talked about our future together many times, and we agree that we both want marriage and a family. He brings it up alot and we talk about it and then summers and years go by with nothing. This past year on my birthday at dinner, he sits across from me at the table and says "wow this would have been a beautiful time to propose." 3 months go by and Christmas comes and goes, and theres nothing. But when I bring it up he says "baby, theres nothing I want more then to make you my wife someday." I would never give him an ultimatum (thats no way to start a life together)but I'm hurting and I've expressed this to him.Still...I remember two years ago bringing it up and the answer I got was, "I didn't realize that you feel like your being taken for granted, I'm sorry baby, I'll work on it." Now I'm just not sure what to think.

For the record: We have very open dialogue, so he is not in the dark on how I feel.I am in my mid twenties, he's in his early thirties. He owns a buisness, and has a very stable job and we are traditional in the sense that we are not living together.

After over 5 years together, if he wanted to propose wouldnt of he done it by now?

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Caite Posts : 5 Registered: 1/5/11

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 13, 2011 11:37 PM Go to message in response to: VintageBride143; thats tough, honestly you'd think he would be ready for commitment and marriage if he was in his thirties, but all men are different. It sounds like you two have an amazing relationship and love eachother very much, but it could be because he is nervous for commitment, or maybe he's worried that because your relationship is already awesome, theres no need to get married immediately and have it "potenitally" mess with how great you two are right now? Some men are simple like that. Don't pressure him to propose, but talk more openly about the reasons why he doesnt want to tie the knot, he might need some reassurance :)

"More than anything and everything..."

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WellWisher Posts : 175 Registered: 1/2/10

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 14, 2011 10:02 AM Go to message in response to: Caite; You're both of a good, "acceptable" age to be married, he has a great job, and you've been dating for over 5 years?

I wouldn't give HIM an ultimatum, I'd give YOU one.

That's right. Go off by yourself and think about when you can realistically see him proposing. Are you graduating from school within a couple of years? Do you have another goal that you're going to accomplish within a couple of years? Can you see yourself devastated if he doesn't propose by a certain time? Pick a date and keep it in your head. If he doesn't propose by that time, drop him. Find someone else who appreciates you and your time so that you can spend your life the way you want to: Married to someone you love, and who loves you back in the same or more amount.

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Aunt Posts : 796 Registered: 12/31/10

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 14, 2011 10:29 AM Go to message in response to: VintageBride143; Dear VB,

" But when I bring it up he says "baby, theres nothing I want more then to make you my wife someday." "

Yeah, right, when you are 90?

" I would never give him an ultimatum "

An ultimatum is a threat that you might not intend to carry out. On the other hand, if you just pack up and move on, that's not a threat, nor an ultimatum. It's an acknowledgement that this is not a man who wants to marry you AND WILL CARRY THROUGH. Besides,

" (thats no way to start a life together)"

You have already started your life together. You have 5 1/2 years together, already, and at the point where you are prepared to go to the next level, he is prevaricating with barnyard fertilizer like:

" "baby, theres nothing I want more then to make you my wife someday."" or " "wow this would have been a beautiful time to propose." "

That's no way to CONTINUE a life together. He's just being a jerk. And you? You think you are being patient and understanding but also

" I'm hurting and I've expressed this to him"

And he doesn't care if you are hurting so long as he does not get trapped into a marriage he does not want.

"Now I'm just not sure what to think. "

I know what I think. He doesn't want to get married to you. He wants things to continue as they are forever, or until he meets a woman he does want to marry.

If your personal goal is to get married to a great guy, then you need to go out and meet some great guy who has similar goals, including wanting to be married to you. You will not find that great guy so long as you are clinging to hope with your current boyfriend.

Consider this message a kick in the pants. I know many couples who go on year after year, decade after decade, waiting to be "ready". Some actually refer to themselves as "engaged", but without any marriage plans. If that situation is right for both parts of the couple, great. Apparently a perpetual non-committment is right for one part of your couple (him), but not the other (you).

"After over 5 years together, if he wanted to propose wouldnt of he done it by now? "

Yes. Especially as you have discussed the subject in your "open communication" and let him know that marriage is a goal of yours.

Dump him and move on with your life.

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Aunt Posts : 796 Registered: 12/31/10

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 14, 2011 10:46 AM Go to message in response to: VintageBride143; Ladies,

I'll add a general observation of mine, based on years of observation. (I am 56, remember. A whole lot of years.)

I think 25 is about the best age to settle down with someone, if settling down with someone is your own personal life goal. (And, for many, that is not a personal life goal. Cool.)

Why do I say that?

When you are young, you are too immature to make a final decision on who to marry. Sure, you fall "in love" with the cute guy in History class (I did. Sigh.) or you have a steady boyfriend your junior high school year. But, I submit to you that 14 or 15 or 16 is too young to make a decision about who to marry.

Thus, when you are 14-15-16, every male in your age cohort are also single. Some may be in relationships, but those relationships will break up within a few months or a year.

At the other age extreme, when you are 40, which is about the time a woman is no longer able to bear children, look around. At 40, you are no longer getting so much more mature with every year. You are well able to make life decisions for yourself. What kinds of men do you see in your age cohort?

Most 40-year old men are married or otherwise in a long, stable, unbreakable relationship and, thus, unavailable to you. Some are totally unacceptable: gay, crazy, alcoholic, involved with a crazy ex-wife (or ex-wives), or immersed in issues with very troubled children.

(Remember, I am addressing the issue of heterosexual women looking to marry heterosexual men. I have nothing against gay and lesbian people, other than the fact they are in a different marriage market than I am.)

There is a point where, as you grow older from 14-15-16, you become mature enough that you don't gain a whole lot of maturity as you gain a year chronologically. Similarly, working in the opposite direction, there is a point where the marriage-minded men who want to get married to someone like you are getting married to someone like you, and thus, taking themselves out of circulation.

In my opinion, that point in time is about one's mid-twenties or about 25. You're not getting that much more mature every year, but every year nice men are meeting and marrying nice women with whom they want to have a family, and get going on that before the biological clock ticks down to midnight.

The OP is in her mid-twenties and at that point. This is why, in my opinion, she needs to face the very real possibility that her boyfriend (already in his thirties) will never be "ready" to get married. He's one of those who just doesn't want to marry anyone, especially not her. He's not getting more mature by the year, as would be true for a teenager.

She needs to stop wasting time and get out there and meet some nice guy before that nice guy meets and marries someone else.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 14, 2011 11:10 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt; Personally I wasn't ready to be married at 25 - so I don't know that an arbitrary age can be put on these things. (And working in a graduate school lab - let me tell you there is NO way these 'intelligent' guys are REMOTELY ready for marriage at 27 - they are immature idiots - which is ironic because I know their IQ is high.)

I wasn't married until I was almost 34 and my DH was almost 35. He did wait until we were together almost 5 years to propose.

And I was sort of starting to wonder when it might happen and was debating what I would do at 5 years. Fortunately, it didn't get to that. Partly, I was finishing grad school and figuring out where to go after, so I know that that affected our relationship some. Also, I know that my DH takes his time - he's a real thinker. sigh

OP - You had your other post as well that would have been completely ignored and not remembered if you hadn't deleted it. Are you still in school? Is that no longer an issue?

Regardless, if you are ready and you've discussed with nothing decided - I agree that you need to set a date for yourself when you say 'I'm done' and move on.

You're not living together, so that's easier in that sense, but overall it will be hard. But sometimes you have to look at the big picture. He may never be ready for marriage and then what do you do?

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08divabride Posts : 832 Registered: 11/17/07

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 14, 2011 12:13 PM Go to message in response to: VintageBride143; Hi Vintage Bride,

I must agree a lot with Aunt on this one. It really sounds like he's just stringing you along.

I'm not trying to be mean, I know it must hurt, but like a PP stated, you have to set a date realistically. If he hasn't proposed by then, end things all together.

But you must be firm or he wont take you seriously. Like Aunt said, you are at the age where you are ready to settle down, and if he's not there yet, don't waste time waiting for him.

Good luck and please keep us posted!

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Aunt Posts : 796 Registered: 12/31/10

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 14, 2011 12:54 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl; dear PTG,

"Personally I wasn't ready to be married at 25 - so I don't know that an arbitrary age can be put on these things"

No, but mid-twenties is sort of where the maturity and availability curves cross. Kind of like supply and demand in economics.

Plenty of people do just great getting married in their thirties. Wonderful! Similarly, plenty of people get married and do just great in their late teens or early twenties.

The OP is in her mid-twenties and ready to take that next step in life. Her boyfriend is not. How much longer should she wait for a man with a stable job in his thirties to be "ready"?

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 14, 2011 1:24 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt; No - I totally agree on where the OP is at.

My point is just that not everyone is there at that age. At 25 I was just starting grad school, yes, had bought a house but had just moved 5 states from where I had lived all my life.

Ironically enough, I met my husband a year into that. But decided we didn't fit right.

A year later, we sort of got together again - and eight years later we've been married for 2 years and are expecting our first child.

In the OP's case, she's ready for him to $hit or get off the pot- she's going to have to be the one to do that.

But my point was - it's too hard to put an arbitrary age to when someone should be ready. They either are or are not. And if you can't/won't wait to see if they will ever get ready (because maybe you want to get on with your life which is a completely legitimate reason as in this case) then that's a decision you have to make.

It's easy to say well, if they're older....but it doesn't always matter.

She was here over a year ago before - I think it's time for her to cut her losses.

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Aunt Posts : 796 Registered: 12/31/10

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 14, 2011 1:52 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl; Dear PTG,

"But my point was - it's too hard to put an arbitrary age to when someone should be ready. "

I agree, 100%.

If you are 16 and your boyfriend is 16, then everyone will say "Wait a bit until you are older. You will be more mature and ready for marriage in another two years.".

If you are 35 and your boyfriend is 35, then no one will say "Wait a bit until you are older. You will be more mature and ready for marriage in another two years".

We're talking about a man already in his thirties, with a stable job who claims that "someday" he will be ready to marry his girlfriend, who is in her mid-twenties and has communicated the fact that she is indeed ready for marriage.

By indicating a "best" age where maturity and availabitiy curves cross, I'm suggesting to the OP that if marriage is a goal and she gives up on Current Boyfriend, she needs to get out there as a single woman and meet nice men. She is shooting herself in the foot, as far as personal life goals go, if she hangs around with this guy for another five years, hearing junk like "Oh this would have been a beautiful moment to propose, should I ever be in the mood to propose, which will be when hell freezes over."

Hey! Wait! That sounds familiar!!! Maybe she's seeing one of my sons! That would explain it! Sweetie, dump him. Neither of my sons has any interest in marriage.

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josie1986 Posts : 18 Registered: 1/3/11

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 14, 2011 1:58 PM Go to message in response to: VintageBride143; It looks like I agree with mostly everyone here. It seems that he has become complacent. He has his needs filled by having you around but you want more. He's probably telling you things you want to hear like saying he does intend to propose with little intent. He says he plans to start a family with you, but what has he done to make this happen? Does he also say he will clean the dirty dishes in the sink and just leave them there for weeks on end? Actions speak louder than words, what actions has he taken to prove his intentions? I'm sorry if I seem harsh but I've seen too many of my friends stuck with these guys who have no intention of making a future together with them and these guys just keep stringing them along. I see a reflection of it here.

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VintageBride143 Posts : 7 Registered: 9/27/08

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 14, 2011 3:46 PM Go to message in response to: VintageBride143; Thank you for the advice everyone. I actually agree with all of you, but I suppose I needed some outside perspective to confirm things. I'm going to sit down and tell him flat out that if he can not make a commitment that moves us closer to marriage within 6 months then there is no reason to continue this relationship. Although, I do love him and really can not invision myself with someone else or marrying someone else in the future, hopefully this solid stand will shake him up at bit and allow him to do a little soul searching of his own.

Not in a cruel way BUT I also hope the idea of potentially not having me around UPSETS him as much as i have been UPSET, in waiting for him to make a move.

Like I said before, we've always had an amazing relationship but now I do feel like I'm being taken for granted. I'm happy with this decision, and for the first time in a couple years, its a POSITIVE step forawrd: regardless of the outcome. :)

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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 14, 2011 7:28 PM Go to message in response to: VintageBride143; You don't actually have to tell him how long he's got. That's your date. ANd if you do give him six months, trust me, that guy will drag his feet until the last day. That's who he is.

But you can tell him that you want to know where he sees this and that you are serious about taking your relationship to the next level, and if he's not, then he needs to tell you.

And be serious. Decide, for example, that July 4th is Independance Day. Either you're engaged, or you're a free agent. (that's just an example about 6 months out.

but do not under any circumstances tell him his Drop Dead Date. He'll wait until the last minute, making you more and more angry as he drags his feet. You'll start to resent the time he's taking to make this decision.

Misty

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Aunt Posts : 796 Registered: 12/31/10

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 14, 2011 7:58 PM Go to message in response to: VintageBride143; Dear VB,

I suggest you make a personal appointment with yourself to move on if he hasn't done anything. You said before an ultimatum is not healthy. You are right. It is not.

You are doing this for you, for your own mental health and for your own future.

If he really wants to marry you, he would have asked you by now. Ergo: He does not really want to marry you.

*****

I volunteer at a homeless shelter. There is a very nice guy in the shelter named Jim. Pleasant, nicely dressed, showered, clean-shaven, speaks clear proper English, but homeless. He mentioned to me that his brother and SIL go to my church.

I saw his SIL at church and took her aside for a private chat. Did she know her BIL Jim was in the shelter? Turns out, yes, she already knew and filled me in a bit.

According to SIL, Jim has always been the kind of guy who doesn't want responsibility. He's been married three times. His ex-wives start out really loving him, because he's such a nice easy-going guy, but they divorce him after getting tired of taking all ALL the responsiblity in the house. This is an extreme case, but the ex-wives have had to earn all the money, pay all the bills, do all the housework, etc.

I am not saying that Jim is like your boyfriend. I am telling you this as a cautionary tale. There are people out there who are really nice, but just don't want certain responsibilities. It sounds like your boyfriend is the type who doesn't want the responsiblity of marriage. He plays around with it, but can't actually sign on the dotted line. Jim is really nice, but a terrible husband. Ask his three ex-wives.

I suggest you do some thinking over the weekend. Go off by yourself to some private place (go driving in your car, if that works) and think. What do you want for yourself out of life? Then, come up with an Action Plan to go out and get it.

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mainstdancer08 Posts : 140 Registered: 3/27/08

Re: Waiting for a ring that will never be?: Posted: Jan 19, 2011 11:13 PM Go to message in response to: VintageBride143; It seriously sounds like your bf of 5 1/2 years will never propose. Like the PP have said, I would give yourself a date and if he doesn't propose by that date than I would move on with my life.