Waiting for the ring and pregnant

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future_mrz_mart... Posts : 6 Registered: 1/11/11
Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Jan 12, 2011 11:54 PM

I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 22. We have known each other since we were 16 and 17. We've been talking about getting engaged and married for a while. My parents think we're too young and his parents can't wait for him to propose. He says that he has it all planned out and is going to propose soon. We recently found out that I'm pregnant. He has told his mom but I haven't told my parents just yet. I want to at least be engaged by the time I have the baby because I would feel better saying my fiancee rather than my boyfriend or baby daddy. My boyfriend says he understands but I don't really think he does. Am I bring unreasonable?

Edited by: future_mrz_martinez0216 on Jan 13, 2011 1:24 AM

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Jan 13, 2011 10:39 AM Go to message in response to: future_mrz_mart...

Dear Mrs M,

" I want to at least be engaged by the time I have the baby because I would feel better saying my fiancee rather than my boyfriend or baby daddy."

You are not being unreasonable. You have the thoughts and emotions that you have and you have a perfect right to your own opinion.

Now, let's stop and think for a moment. You know darn well that about half of all marriages end in divorce, and that most of those divorces happen in the first few years of marriage. Why is that?

People get married before they are old enough to really think it through, then later think it through and realize this is not what they want. ("Marry in haste, repent in leisure.")

People get married because some outside influence is pushing them into it (parents, pregnancy, military, etc), then later realize they got married due to the outside influence, not any interior influence.

Your parents, who know you best, think you are too young. Let me ask you this. Are your parents the types of people whose opinions you usually trust? Do they have a past record of making good decisions? If so, then take some time to look at the situation from their point of view. Go off by yourself, and have a debate with yourself, with part of you taking your parents' point of view and part of you taking your own point of view. Do this somewhere private, so no one will think you are crazy for talking to yourself.

Finally, you need to put the needs and interests of the baby first. (Get used to that!) Do you believe this man would be a good, loving, caring father? Is he exciting about the baby? Is he talking about taking the kid to football games or ballet classes? Or, does it seem like a big hassle to him?

Think about all these things. The only two people you really have to worry about is (1) You and (2) The Baby. Forget about what other people think when you refer to a boyfriend, baby daddy, fiancé or husband. It's not their business. Besides, you can always just refer to him by his first name. "Joe and I are excited about the baby."

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future_mrz_mart... Posts : 6 Registered: 1/11/11
Re: Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Jan 13, 2011 3:21 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Thank you for your advice. My parents worry because they were 20 and 21 when they got married and they have some regrets. Even though that is true they have been married for 22 going on 23 Years this year. Antonio will be a great father . He helps his mom with his younger brother and sister all the time. He makes sure they're feed, have had a bath,etc. He's pretty excited about becoming a dad but he's also nervous. We planned on gettin married long before we found out I was pregnant. Apparently he has been tellin his family since he was 17 he was going to marry me.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Jan 13, 2011 4:57 PM Go to message in response to: future_mrz_mart...

Dear Mrs M,

"My parents worry because they were 20 and 21 when they got married and they have some regrets."

Ah, ha, so it's the good old "Don't make the same mistake I made" routine.

I can't really tell you what to do, except to spend some quality time with yourself thinking about all the ramifications of getting married or not getting married. I always rejoice when I see an innocent baby being born in a marriage, and growing up with bio-mom and bio-dad under the same roof. That's the ultimate "best" for the baby.

However, many of us do not have that luxury. (I was adopted.)

You have a lot of thinking to do.

I have a challenge for you. You feel weird about saying your "boyfriend" is the baby's father. Why would "fiancé" be any better? Is there a perception that it is OK to have sex and conceive a baby with a fiancé, but not with a boyfriend? Surely you know there are those out there who might feel that it is OK only to have sex and/or conceive a baby with a husband.

Do what you think is best for you and the baby. Forget about what others think. Looking into the eyes of your innocent newborn really has a way of setting your priorities straight!

Finally, there's a lot to be said for having a baby early in life. You will struggle a lot in the early years, but by the time you are in your late twenties, the kid will be able to do a lot for him/herself. While your friends are dealing with diapers and bottles, you will be looking into Little League and Nintendo devices. Later, in your 40s, you will be sending the kid off to college or their own job, while your friends are dealing with teenage moodiness and curfews.

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WellWisher Posts : 175 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Jan 13, 2011 6:43 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

And to get on the bandwagon with Aunt, grandkids early! You'll be able to go actively play with them, go to a lot more of their events because of good health, and walk around prom-dress shopping with them without being tired after an hour. I know it's early to be thinking about GRANDKIDS, but you will continue to reap rewards as the years go on!

I know that this news can be traumatizing at times, but I hope you're counting your blessing along the way, too. You have a boyfriend that loves you, wants to marry you, and and will be an amazing father. No need to hurry on the marriage if you don't want to, or wait if you don't want to, whatever! Your destiny is still in your hands, now they'll just be holding onto another life, too. What a lucky child to have parents like you guys, too. Think of all of the children out there who unfortunately, don't have that gift!

I hope that the pregnancy is going ok. Have you been to your first pre-natal checkup yet? Prenatal care is VERY important. Please check back in again soon!

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Jan 13, 2011 7:01 PM Go to message in response to: future_mrz_mart...

FMM - You just have to figure out what is best for you and your child. Hopefully, your parents will respect any decision you make.

I would hesitate to get married if I were pregnant and not discussing marriage with the D2b prior to the pregnancy. But you have been - so that's not an issue.

And I invite you over the the curious, trying or prego thread.

 

 

 

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future_mrz_mart... Posts : 6 Registered: 1/11/11
Re: Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Jan 13, 2011 7:07 PM Go to message in response to: WellWisher

Thank you aunt and wellwisher for the advice and congrats.
Aunt, l have been doing some thinkin about what you said and will continue to do some thinking because you gave some good advice.
Wellwisher, yes we are very excited about the baby. You're right it is a little early to be thinkin about grandkids but I like how you put it about being young enough to enjoy them. I haven't made the appointment yet but I have started looking at doctors to see who I would like. As soon as I go to the first appointment I will tell you about it

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Heather2256 Posts : 8 Registered: 2/11/11
Re: Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Feb 11, 2011 2:04 AM Go to message in response to: future_mrz_mart...

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with wanting to further your relationship when there's a kid on the way. I'd probably feel the same way if I was in the same situation. My only hesitation would be that I know a few couples (both of my sisters included) that got married because they were pregnant. And as my oldest sister (who is now divorced) says, there's nothing wrong with being engaged & having a long engagement. Which it's really up to you & your BF. If you truely love each other, want to get married & think it'll be the best for you two & your child, then do it. Just don't rush into it or think you have to just because you're pregnant. Good luck.

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08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Feb 11, 2011 9:29 AM Go to message in response to: Heather2256

The ladies have all given you great advice on how to your situation.

I have nothing to add except to piggyback off what Pharm said, and come join us in the preggo, trying, thread. It's a great thread where we vent, laugh, and understand each other's frustrations. Perfect place for you to come and let it all out!

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future_mrz_mart... Posts : 6 Registered: 1/11/11
Re: Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Feb 27, 2011 10:53 AM Go to message in response to: 08divabride

My first prenatal check went well. My doctor's only concern was my low weight gain but she said that it is perfectly fine. My next check up is tomorrow and I'm so excited. I fall more and more in love with my baby everyday. My boyfriend is on cloud nine when it comes to becoming a dad. He and his mom have already bought the baby so much stuff I have a feeling he/she is going to be very spoiled.

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Deleted Posts : 23 Registered: 1/7/10
Re: Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Mar 16, 2011 2:16 PM Go to message in response to: future_mrz_mart...

Do what you feel in your heart i understand you wanting to get married because your expecting your not being unreasonable i was engaged 3 months before we found out we were expecting and let me be the first to tell you i know first hand how you feel because i felt bad i wasn't married when i got pregnant but my family and friends understood i was engaged before we got pregnant people do look at you diffrent if you are pregnant by your boyfriend or he's just a babydaddy but it doesn't matter wwhat others think because at the end of the day being unmarried dosen't make you a bad parent but i understand you 100%

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Re: Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 4:33 PM Go to message in response to: future_mrz_mart...

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Re: Waiting for the ring and pregnant
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 6:52 PM Go to message in response to: future_mrz_mart...

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