its not fun anymore...

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futuremrsjersey Posts : 2 Registered: 1/8/11
its not fun anymore...
Posted: Jan 8, 2011 7:44 PM

i get it..its my wedding..we are paying..we should do what we want..
but that doesnt seem to be whats happening.
its been a nightmare from the begining.
Matt proposed...we had our minute..then completely coincidentally my brother proposed to his girlfriend. So now we are both planning our weddinggs side by side... My mom, FH's mom, and my one friend (who is always a bridesmaid, never a bride.) are all putting their opnion's in. I feel completly overwhelmed and all of the fun has been sucked out of this process.

Matt and I have both talked it over and we dont even want a big wedding in the area where I grew up. I have brought the subject up to my mother and she has flat out said no way...we are having a wedding in NJ (where Im from, We live in DC right now.) Since im the only girl it should be semi-grand and because shes in the wedding planning business she can get discounts and knows people who can help with the process of the "big day" etc. ect.

My FH and I are not big into ceremony...we just want to get married, and start our lives together. I guess the point of this post is that I just want to see if anyone else out there has a similar situation like us? I want to please my mom...but at the same time..all this planning for one big day just seems crazy and over the top. When really in the end its just about the love and being with that person who means the world to you not all the fluff and trinkets and money and splendor right? am I crazy for feeling this way? for just wanting somthing simple and not being a bridezilla? :)

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: its not fun anymore...
Posted: Jan 8, 2011 8:06 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsjersey

OK - I'm going to say this bluntly, not to be a bitch, but to get to the point - STAND UP TO YOUR MOTHER.

There.

Yes, sometimes easier said than done, but if you are old enough to get married you are old enough to do so.

You and your FH have discussed what you both want. You both are in agreement. Then DO what you want, especially as you both are paying.

DO NOT look back on this day saying 'if only'. This is NOT BEING A BRIDEZILLA. Take BACK your wedding day.

And think, since you are doing it where you are living NOW, your Mom has that much less input.

Tell her now - you are getting married in DC (or wherever close by).

Let her throw her hissy fit and whatnot. Start making plans - looking at venues, etc with your FH.

Also, as an aside, I suggest not telling her how much you spend on anything (as long as she's not contributing, it's not any of her business) - then she can't rub it in your face that hrmph SHE could have gotten you a better deal.

 

 

 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: its not fun anymore...
Posted: Jan 8, 2011 8:09 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

And I'm very serious about telling Mom - 'Mom, we have decided that we are getting married in DC.' Mom replies - 'But but but blah blah blah'. "Mom, this is our decision." If she continues to go on, then politely get off the phone.

IF she threatens not to come - "I'm sorry you feel that way, we really hope you make it.' (This is a manipulative SCARE tactic that you are NOT to fall for!)

 

 

 

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: its not fun anymore...
Posted: Jan 8, 2011 8:57 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsjersey

Completely with PTG on this one.

You're paying, you're planning. If momma wants to decide what you're doing, then momma needs to open up the pocket book. (You give up the control then, but if you're going to give it up de facto, then make her pay for what SHE wants)

I had mother interference in my wedding. She complained about a lot of items and how we wanted to do them (ie: unity candle). Some things were being done for her benefit. She complained about how we planned to do them...I changed the plans to NOT do them. And then I did something even better: I stopped telling her any of our plans.

I got a call from Dad about two weeks before the wedding because my mother felt left out of the planning. I told him that DH and I were planning and paying for it. I was sorry she felt that way, but this was our wedding, and we were doing it our way.

Basically, have a chat with momsy and tell her that since you're the ones paying for this shindig, you will be the ones making the decisions. You're not doing this for her, you're doing it for the two of you.

Misty

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: its not fun anymore...
Posted: Jan 8, 2011 9:03 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsjersey

Dear Mrs J,

I agree with the others.

We don't do backbone implants over the internet. You need to stand up firmly and say "This is the way my wedding will be." and mean it.

If Mom boycotts the wedding that's her loss. You take control, you plan and you execute a day that is meaningful to both you and your guy.

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futuremrsjersey Posts : 2 Registered: 1/8/11
Re: its not fun anymore...
Posted: Jan 9, 2011 10:46 AM Go to message in response to: futuremrsjersey

Thanks guys that is really supportive POSITIVE information...ive only posted on a few other websites in the past and those girls can be NASTY. Like i felt like i was in high school all over again. Im going to talk to my FH today and were going to kick around ideas and im going to call my mom this week.
I just hope i hear a few more comments (maybe from moms) and words of support from readers...i really appreciate it, it means alot.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: its not fun anymore...
Posted: Jan 10, 2011 6:13 AM Go to message in response to: futuremrsjersey

Dear Mrs J,

I'm a mom of two adult children plus a niece who is like a daughter to me.

Sadly, I see some of my friends trying to control their adult children's lives. Part of maturation is learning to put a healthy distance between the adult child and the parent.

Some parents cooperate in this process. Others don't. The kid has to push back and find a polite, loving way to say "Mom, I'm in charge of my own life, now.".

***

My twin sons are in their late 20s and profess to be allergic to marriage. Great, says I, that's their business. They can do whatever they want, so long as they don't move back home and vegetate on the couch.

Just yesterday, I was at church and fell into conversation with someone I had not seen for a while.

"So, how are the boys?"

"Both doing great. They own a townhouse together are both employed, thank God, and having a great time. They are still very involved with camping and outdoors activities."

"Are either married yet?"

"Nope, not a one and no girlfriend in sight. And, no, neither is gay. Neither seems to be interested in marriage."

"Well, you've got to get on them about that!!! How are you to ever have grandchildren if they don't get married!! They aren't getting any younger and if they don't move fast, all the 'good' girls will be taken."

Me: Gaping open mouth. What to say to Ms Buttinsky?

"It's not my business if either of the two boys are married or not. They are grown men, now, and in charge of their own lives."

Sheesh.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: its not fun anymore...
Posted: Jan 10, 2011 5:54 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsjersey

hey FMJ...

I was a 41 year old second time bride. This wedding was about what my DH and I wanted.

My first wedding was planned by and paid for by my parents. I had input (I set the date and location. They agreed to it.) However, I did not have control. I also did not pay for it, and I knew the sky was not the limit. My parents are not rich -- and I did not want them going into extreme debt for me. That wedding did not reflect me or my XH at all. That being said: I did not pay for it. There were some pretty big decisions that I had no input in at all: florist, photographer, baker, rehearsal venue, wedding ceremony.

And I'm not complaining about any of those vendors. One of them was one I would have put my foot down and sacrificed something I really wanted in order to have, if my mom had not said "We're using Deboni's".

The second time around, I paid. I don't believe we paid any more for my second wedding than my parents did for my first. But this wedding was the one that really is more special to me...and that's because it reflects who my DH and I are as a couple. We learned a lot about how we work together while planning. (And he had a lot of fun doing it!) We had to have conversations about what we had to sacrifice (catered / staffed meal) and what we absolutely had to splurge on (live musicians). We talked about what we wanted, and compromised together to come up with something that was entirely different than what either of us individually envisioned -- but was somehow all the more amazing for the duality of it. And most of our wedding planning cannot be laid on my shoulders or his...we can't look at the thing and say "that was me" or "that was him". Everything has something of both of us in it. Our wedding planning helped us prepare for our marriage -- because we still do that.

Good luck. But truly, you've got to do it now, because your mom will then try to control holidays and grandchildren and vacation times. Join together and find what you both want -- then make it stick with mom. The sooner you do it, the better off you'll be.

Misty

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AnnaKay12 Posts : 17 Registered: 12/20/10
Re: its not fun anymore...
Posted: Jan 10, 2011 8:50 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsjersey

I know how you feel, futuremrsjersey! My mother is also in the wedding planning business and she wanted to completely take over from the start! I had to put my foot down. I told her that while I would love to hear her input from her professional standpoint (and as the MOB), that the final decisions would be made by my FH and I, since we are the ones paying for the wedding. As the previous posters advised... STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! You may regret it if you don't.

Good luck with all your planning!

Edited by: AnnaKay12 on Jan 10, 2011 8:51 PM

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: its not fun anymore...
Posted: Jan 11, 2011 1:57 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsjersey

The others are right--your mmoney, your wedding, your way.

You can (try to) stay polite, but you must be firm. Once you've established what you want, then if Mom can use her professional contacts and expertise to help, great. Maybe you can give her a job that she can handle all on her own.

One of my friends' three children got married. First, son, marrying millionaire's daughter, 250 people, most expensive place in New York. It was gorgeous.

Next daughter--VERY expensive wedding, Ritz Carlton--eeek, wedding cancelled two months before the big day. Lots of heartbreak, big money down the drain. Said she would never do that again when she finally married--and she didn't! Ninety people at a local hotel, simple dress, happy, happy evening. Gorgeous baby the next year.

Third daughter. Paid for her own wedding, always said she would never have the stereotypical big wedding. Got married with 40 people in NY City, overlooking the East River and NY skyline. Intimate friends, families, babies only. Gorgeous place, gorgeous view, great food and wine. Perfect wedding for her.

The "perfect" wedding depends on whose wedding it is. In this case, it's yours, not Mom's, and it has to be perfect FOR YOU.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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