Concerns for the bride-to-be

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Dunebug Posts : 30 Registered: 11/8/10
Concerns for the bride-to-be
Posted: Jan 6, 2011 12:15 AM

Hello everyone!

A girl in a group of friends of mine recently became engaged. We were happy for her, because we assumed she would be having a long engagement, however, she and her FH plan on getting married within the year. We (myself and the other ladies in this group of friends) are very concerned for this couple, as the bride-to-be is 18 years old and a freshman who is in a six year degree program. These are our reasons for concern:

-She and her FH will both still be in school when they marry. Her FH will graduate a semester later. It is likely that he will have a good job ready, but it is, of course, not guaranteed. Won't she lose coverage from her parents' insurance?

-She is in an rigorous six year program. How can she be expected to complete this program and be a wife at her age? They are planning to live at his FH parents' home for a bit, but would like to get their own place. What if she ends up having to work on the side? What will that mean for school? She relies heavily on financial aid. How will that be affected?

-They have been together for just under four years. While I, personally, don't see them separating, why put their relationship under the strain that marriage will cause at their ages? They are not established yet. They do not have their own jobs, or even their own degrees yet. Neither of them has lived without parents looking after them. I don't think that the length of a relationship matters when there are so many other things to take care of first. Their love isn't going anywhere, why can't it wait to be married?

-In regards to the wedding specifically, they are planning a New Year's Eve celebration. On a Saturday. They would like to have a large ceremony but a small reception, which none of us (her wedding party) agrees with. As far as the bride-to-be has mentioned, their parents are paying, and they are working on a limited budget. She doesn't seem to realize that if she wants to get married now, she can't have everything she's ever imagined.

My question is this: As her closest friends (and wedding party), should we express our concerns? Normally, I would think a parent would step in, but they seem to be on board. We've asked her some of these vague questions, and she doesn't really have answers. Do we tell her our thoughts, or is it something that we should zip it about?

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Concerns for the bride-to-be
Posted: Jan 6, 2011 6:37 AM Go to message in response to: Dunebug

Dear SL,

First off the plate: The new healthcare law requires adult children of covered people (parents) to be offered coverage until the age of 26, even if the young person is married. In my opinion, this is one of the most welcome aspects of the new healthcare law.

Next: There are people who get married while in college and do just fine. I did. Yes, it is possible to be a married person and complete a rigorous degree. My own husband and I got married while in grad school, and 34 years later, we are still happily married. I have a MS degree and he has a PhD. Both of us worked our way through grad school, making a living as a TA or RA. We both graduated with NO debt. Not a penny.

In some ways it's actually EASIER to be married than to be a dating non-married couple. You qualify for low-cost Married Student Housing, for example.

"They would like to have a large ceremony but a small reception, which none of us (her wedding party) agrees with."

This is actually the only thing I have a real problem with. It is rude to invite all sorts of people to a ceremony, then offer food and drink to only a few select people following the ceremony. If budget is an issue, they should scale down their wedding guest list to numbers they can afford to host at a reception.

The exception to this rule is in churches where "Everyone" is invited to all ceremonies, through an announcement in the church bulletin. The couple should host a simple punch and cake reception for all those attending the ceremony, then can have a private party dinner reception, later in a separate location, for invited guests.

Finally, as a friend you may certainly bring up your concerns with your friend, but in the end it's her life and her marriage. There are young people who get married quickly, then just as quickly get divorced. Then there are those who get married young and stay happily married for years. Mention your concerns in a private one-on-one discussion, listen to what she has to say, then move on and let her live her own life.

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KCI Posts : 150 Registered: 3/30/09
Re: Concerns for the bride-to-be
Posted: Jan 6, 2011 11:17 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

New Years Eve wedding on a Saturday on a limited budget???? I don't see that working out so well. I would think that would be an expensive endeavor. And as Aunt mentioned, you can't only feed some of the people invitied to the ceremony, and not others. Unfortuntately other than offering your "personal opinions" there's not much you can do. And if they want to get married, it's not up to you and the other BMs to get them to wait. While I agree it would be better if they were both established on their own before getting married, that's not your decision. Just be there for your friend. If she ever asks your opinion on something, you can always answer honestly, but if you start telling her you think she shouldn't get married right now, she's not going to like it.

Daisypath Anniversary tickers
*Met: 9/17/2009 *Started Dating: 11/14/2009 *Engaged: 11/13/2010 *Mr and Mrs: 9/17/2011
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Beeble Posts : 306 Registered: 11/19/09
Re: Concerns for the bride-to-be
Posted: Jan 6, 2011 11:30 AM Go to message in response to: KCI

I would like to ask, do they come from very religious families? If they do, this is not very uncommon.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Concerns for the bride-to-be
Posted: Jan 6, 2011 1:25 PM Go to message in response to: Dunebug

YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR THGOUGHTS, BUT IN THE END, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. aLL OF US HAVE TO HANDLE AN OUTSIDE LIFE AS WE PLAN TO GET MARRIED. wHETHER THAT'S SCHOOL, A JOB, OR OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES, IT'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE THAT WAY. iF ANYONE EXPRESSES ANY DOUBTS, IT SHOULD BE THE PARENTS. tHE ONLY CHOICES yOU HAVE ARE:
1. IF YOU TRULY CAN'T SUPPORT THIS MARRIAGE AT THIS TIME, DO NOT AGREE TO BE IN THE WEDDING PARTY.
2. IT IS AN ETIQUETTE FAUX PAS TO INVITE PEOPLE TO A CEREMONY AND NOT TO A RECEPTION. IF YOUR FRIEND MENTIONS IT, YOU MIGHT INFORM HER OF THIS.
OTHERWISE, JUST SMILE AND BE HAPPY FOR HER IF YOU WISH TO CONTINUE YOUR FRIENDHIP.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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swichwang34 Posts : 657 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Concerns for the bride-to-be
Posted: Sep 16, 2012 3:06 PM Go to message in response to: Dunebug

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