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Maid of honor

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HopefullMellie Posts : 3 Registered: 10/10/10
Maid of honor
Posted: Dec 30, 2010 3:48 AM

I kind of have a problem and I really don't know how to go about fixing it... or maybe I am just being a baby. My best friend from high school is getting married and she decided to make me the maid of honor. I was really happy about it and was totally excited to help out with everything. She knows I don't drink so she planned on another bridesmaid planning her batcholorette party and gave me the role of planning her bridal shower. This is fine for me because I am really excited about it. So far though she isn't really letting me plan it at all. She has given me a detailed menu and list of games and almost every other detail of how she wants her bridal shower. I'm fine with that because that is a little bit of her personality....but now we won't talk for months and when we do it is realy forced and awkward because we are both in different places in our lives. She knows I won't drink at her wedding or attend her bacholorette party because I don't feel comfortable in those situtations because of my religion and my own steady almost engaged boyfriend. I just want her not to resent me when it comes down to everything in the end. I know I can't be the maid of honor she wants because we are two different people now and I really don't want to upset her. She is also family so I really don't want to upset anyone. I just want to make sure that she is absolutely positive that she wants me as a maid of honor. I really wouldn't mind giving up the title if it would make her happy. I hope I don't sound like a jealous wedding wrecking friend. I just really want her to be absolute about her decision and not be upset. It's making me a nervous wreck and I know that her wedding is not about me...I just needed some advice. I haven't talked to her yet about it because I don't know of a way to eloquantly phrase my feelings. I am also feeling a little hurt because she won't even acknowledge some important goals in my life when we (if we) talk. Am I being a baby about this?

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Maid of honor
Posted: Dec 30, 2010 8:02 AM Go to message in response to: HopefullMellie

Dear Hope,

I don't drink alcohol, either, so know where you're coming from. I don't mind being around it, but actual alcohol in my system makes me want to barf. And, that's really being a party-pooper!

As for you situation.

I think you're worrying too much. She asked you, you accepted, now go for it. There's no such thing as being "100% sure". Just look at all the messages on this forum where women second-guess themselves over the dress, the catering, everything. Don't over-think this.

Here is my suggestion to you. She likes to be in charge.

" she planned on another bridesmaid planning her batcholorette party and gave me the role of planning her bridal shower"

Normally, brides wait for someone to offer to throw parties in their honor. They don't assign party hostess roles to people. Yes, it's pretty normal for the MOH to host either a bachelorette or shower, but it's still polite to wait for the person to offer rather than proactively giving them that duty.

And, now, she's planning the party herself, telling you what to do. Sounds to me as if that is in character. Unless she's planning something beyond your own budget, I'd just say go with the flow. It's her wedding, her shower, she's the way she is, so just take her plans and execute them.

In return, stop fretting about whether or not she REALLY wants you as MOH. Someone who can plan their own parties would also have the guts to boot a bridesmaid.

Finally, as you are approaching an engagement yourself, take all these things as lessons in how to conduct yourself when the time comes. Think carefully about who you ask as bridemaids. Wait for people to offer parties in your honor, then let them do the planning, so long as they observe your issues with alcohol. Consider, carefully, any gift registry and don't get all greedy and control freak about that.

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mrscreamer2be Posts : 153 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: Maid of honor
Posted: Dec 30, 2010 9:24 PM Go to message in response to: HopefullMellie

I agree. I think you are overthinking things(bachelorette party, alcohol).
Personally, It would not bother me if my MOH couldn't attend my bachelorette party (actually she didn't and I planned my own!). I think it's great that you are throwing her a shower (I didn't have one). And like Aunt says, if it's within your budget- to just go with the flow.

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HopefullMellie Posts : 3 Registered: 10/10/10
Re: Maid of honor
Posted: Dec 31, 2010 1:13 AM Go to message in response to: HopefullMellie

I really do appreciate both of your advice. I guess it just seemed more overwhelming because I was putting a lot of conflict on my head where there wasn't any conflict in the first place. As far as the budget for her shower goes I am actually a little limited because I am a full time college student and currently have no job. I have several scholarships and such that help me and my soon to be fiance helps a lot with other things but I'm not entirely sure how much of a budget I can offer for her wedding shower. I have two more questions that may be simply answered and I am just to overwhelmed to think of them because of everything going on ( boyfriend just bought his first house that we will be getting ready for when we are married and I am looking for a job and still trying to make it through school and have time to plan everything). But what do I do if the budget she assumes I can pay is higher than I can actually produce? Also, if you haven't noticed I am quite a passive person...and she has always been the more...assertive one, so how can I ask her nicely to let me handle her bridal shower and tell her it will be nice and wonderful but not step on her toes...Oh and another last minute thing, Would it be wrong for me to hold her shower (location is the only thing that has been my choice in the matter) at my church that she no longer attends? It would not cost anything for me to rent and I would feel more comfortable putting money towards other more important things than location. She has had hard feelings in the past towards the church so I do not know if she would feel okay about her shower being held there. I guess that might be something I need to ask her rather than you all :) But again thanks for everything. Even reading what you guys say about just going with the flow has calmed me down quite a lot and I have emailed her hoping we can get together soon.

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mrscreamer2be Posts : 153 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: Maid of honor
Posted: Dec 31, 2010 2:04 AM Go to message in response to: HopefullMellie

I would just tell her what your budget is for the shower. Also, I would add that being in a wedding in itself is expensive. I was very reasonable with the BM's costs (I kept costs in mind), but that is not usually the norm. It does sound like you're passive.

If you can't afford a lavish shower, then you can't afford a lavish shower. It just depends on what she wants and you can afford.

BTW: I'm not suggesting that a great shower can't be inexpensive! My bachelorette party was very inexpensive and people had a blast!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Maid of honor
Posted: Dec 31, 2010 8:07 AM Go to message in response to: HopefullMellie

dear Hope,

We don't do backbone implants over the Internet.

"But what do I do if the budget she assumes I can pay is higher than I can actually produce?"

Tell her you can't afford it. Period. Ask for less expensive alternatives that suit her.

If she throws a fit, then tell her that she needs to find another hostess who has deeper pockets.

Ask her how she feels about the shower at the church. She may say "No way!" or may be OK with it.

Let me ask you this: Where is your own mother in all this? You say the bride is a relative. Usually that means a cousin. Are your parents in any position to be of help to you, in funding the shower or perhaps hosting it at their house? If you are truly out on your own, supporting yourself with your own job, scholarships, etc., I can't imagine you have tons of money left over for an expensive bridesmaid dress plus an expensive shower.

It's OK to just say "No".

Finally: Paragraph breaks are your friend. It's hard to read a giant block of text.

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HopefullMellie Posts : 3 Registered: 10/10/10
Dear Aunt,
Posted: Dec 31, 2010 2:30 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

THe bride is my cousin. My Father is laid off and my Mother has a decent job but it is a part time job in which she has been trying to get a full time job but it hasn't worked out yet

Mom would help me out if I asked because she has always been there but in this situation she feels that I should just talk to the Bride and relinquish my title as maid of honor due to issues in the past between me and my cousin.

Again, I know they would help me out if they could. I just couldn't bear asking them to do all that when they can barely take care of everything they need.

As far as having the bridal shower at home, I live with my parents and know that not everyone could fit in my house. I could possibly have the shower at my soon to be fiance's house. He would be fine with that and the house is big enough.

The only problem with that is the house is a little out of the way for everyone and doesn't have much parking and honestly I am not sure how ready the house will be by then considering she wants her shower 6 months before the wedding and we literally bought it yesterday.

My soon to be fiance would help with anything I asked. He has a really good job and I know I could ask him for anything and he would help if I needed it. BUT, he thinks a little like my mother in that I shouldn't even be planning it because of certain things in the past.

I know I need to work on the backbone thing but believe me I have actually came a long way. I do have a problem saying no. Hopefully that too will become a little stronger as I work on it.

Again , thanks for all the help. Sorry about not placing any breaks in anything I have written in the past. It's easy for me to get on a rant and not pay attention.

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mrscreamer2be Posts : 153 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: Maid of honor
Posted: Dec 31, 2010 2:35 PM Go to message in response to: HopefullMellie

I agree with what AOTB says.

I was typing as you were responding :)

Why not just say: Due to financial reasons, I am unable to be MOH at your wedding. I would still love to be a guest.

With the economy being as it is, she may be understanding.

You could help her on 1 or 2 DIY projects if she has them and you have the time to dedicate.

You are overapologizing to people on the internet you don't even know! Girl, you need a backbone! LOL

Please don't go broke trying to please your friend! If you still want to do this for her, you need to be honest about your budget.

Edited by: mrscreamer2be on Dec 31, 2010 2:36 PM

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Aunt Posts : 796 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Dear Aunt,
Posted: Jan 1, 2011 7:42 AM Go to message in response to: HopefullMellie

Dear Hope,

(My account got messed up so I now have a new screen name.)

I'd have to defer to your mother, as she knows the people involved and their past history. If you otherwise think your mother offers good advice, then this might be the time to follow her lead.

Another option is to put your foot down and plan a smaller, less expensive shower that you can afford. Your cousin has told you she wants X guests Y entertainment and Z food at her shower. Not possible.

You are willing to invite a certain number of guests, have certain food and do certain games, nothing more. Period. With your family (like so many families) in financial distress, it is really out of line for her to demand a shower that the hostess cannot afford.

An alternative might be to figure out how many people your house can hold (ie your mom's house or her mom's house), then plan a small shower around those numbers. It could be lunch at the dining room table for you, Bride, Mom, her Mom and four friends. Decorate appropriately and you have your shower.

Would she throw a fit at this scaled-down plan? If so, then that's your cue to bow out.

"I'm sorry, but I cannot afford anything more than a lunch at home for eight people. I suggest that you need to find an alternate Maid of Honor who has deeper pockets than mine. I will be happy to attend your wedding as a guest."

This comes courtesy of the You Can't Get Blood Out Of A Turnip Dept.

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dogbride Posts : 41 Registered: 4/22/10
Re: Dear Aunt,
Posted: Jan 1, 2011 11:59 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

I think that brides often think then need to have their hands in everything. I was recently in a wedding and the bride was sooooooo particular about all the details of the extra celebrations. She was overwhelmed with all of the wedding planning, then wanted to plan two more parties.

So, we kindly told her when she asked about the the shower or bachelorette party, we would tell her

"oooo...its a surprise"
"you are so busy with wedding planning, we want to plan a great ________for you. you will love it!"

Perhaps taking the planning out of her hands will make it easier for you. Bottom line, as others mentioned, the shower is a gift from you to her...give what you can afford when you are able to afford it.

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swichwang34 Posts : 1,473 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Maid of honor
Posted: Sep 15, 2012 3:19 PM Go to message in response to: HopefullMellie

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JenniferWillson Posts : 2,083 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Maid of honor
Posted: Sep 20, 2012 7:54 PM Go to message in response to: HopefullMellie

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Kimberly212 Posts : 2,211 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Maid of honor
Posted: Sep 22, 2012 4:22 AM Go to message in response to: HopefullMellie

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