Honest advice..am I out of line?

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donedreamin Posts : 2 Registered: 12/3/10
Honest advice..am I out of line?
Posted: Dec 3, 2010 3:44 PM

I realize many of my bridemaids are struggling financially right now (let's be honest, who isn't!?). Instead of picking a dress and insisting everyone buy it, I made a choice of colour and length, and let the girls pick whatever dress worked for them. I also asked each girl if they would be interested in going to a salon with me the morning of to get their hair and make up done. They all said that is something they'd like to do.

I am now recieving messages from a couple of the girls (after the appointments are booked and a deposit to hold our times is on my credit card) that they don't want to go to the salon because of the cost. I told them that I would be paying for the hair (if not all, at least half) if they can't afford it at the time. Then, the problem is the cost of the dress, that they picked out on their own, not the hair at all?

One of the girls is now telling MY SISTER that I'm being a bridezilla and not working with them to make it cost effective? What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Honest advice..am I out of line?
Posted: Dec 3, 2010 4:39 PM Go to message in response to: donedreamin

It sounds like you're trying to work with them, so I think the "Bridezilla" charge is unfair.

But, for your own sanity, I strongly encourage you to decide right now if you're going to pay for their hair. Saying you will pay for some part of it if they can't afford it is too vague. Additionally, having been through it, I can tell you that by the time you get to the salon, you will not feel like you've got a lot of money to spend. That hair bill comes after everything else has been paid, and it's been my experience that that's exactly when you're going to feel the most broke. So decide now exactly what you're willing to do for them financially. Me, I'd tell them that you'll give them X amount of dollars towards getting their hair done IF they get it done at this particular salon. Then put that money aside and factor it into the budget, assuming that they all decide to take you up on it.

Other than that, they have to decide if they can afford to be bridesmaids. It's not a cheap endeavor, ever -- you almost always end up buying a dress you wouldn't buy and taking time and energy away from other pursuits. But no one's putting a gun to their head -- they can freely decide if they can afford to do it or not. You can help them out by telling them EXACTLY what your expectations are (are you expecting a shower? a gift? a b-party?) and then go from there.

Of course, I suggest doing them a favor and telling them that you expect none of that; their showing up for you is gift enough, I hope.

Good luck!

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Honest advice..am I out of line?
Posted: Dec 3, 2010 4:49 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I'm with MrsD. The birdezilla charge seems unfair based on what you have presented.

I also like her suggestion of telling them flat out what you will cover for their hair if they get it done there - but allowing them to opt out.

As they've chosen their dress - that cost is their issue. I would hope you are also not too picky on shoes - one girl I know was a BM with reasonable dresses and then the bride wanted them in $300 shoes... It was weird.

I was a - here's the color and length, pick a dress, wear silver shoes, I'm paying for your hair - I need you there the day of and completely understand if you even can't make the dress rehearsal. My BMs appreciated it. Hopefully at least some of yours are too.

 

 

 

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mrscreamer2be Posts : 153 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: Honest advice..am I out of line?
Posted: Dec 3, 2010 4:54 PM Go to message in response to: donedreamin

Mrs. D has given you good advice. It does not sound like you're being a bridezilla. It sounds like you are trying to work with them.

I had issues with my BM dresses as well. To the suggestion of one of my bridesmaids, they all got their dresses made. I bought all the material and paid for the shipping. The one who asked to get the dresses made was complaining because the seamstress wanted to charge her $300! Way more had we bought the original. It finally worked out. I let them choose their own style, I picked the material, length, and color.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Honest advice..am I out of line?
Posted: Dec 5, 2010 3:35 PM Go to message in response to: donedreamin

From what you've said, you're not being a bridezilla.

Now, if you're REQUIRING their hair and make up to be done, then you must pay.

If you're offering the opportunity, then you do not have to but it is a nice gesture.

I did the same thing... I told my bridesmaids color, material type and length (black, between knee and tea length, flowy) in a style they loved. I asked them to send a picture of it first. I also told them if they had something like that already hanging in their closet to feel free to wear that.

For shoes, I told them black and whatever worked best for their feet. (with one who had rickets, one who has feet issues, and one who had recently broken an ankle on one leg and the foot on the other simultaneously, I was not about to dictate what they put on their feet. An uncomfortable dress makes you feel uncomfortable until you remove it. uncomfortable shoes can hurt your feet for days or weeks after they are removed.)

I offered to make an appointment for them with my hair stylist, but told them that they could do their hair however they wanted. (I did not pay or offer to). One took me up on it as she knows her hair is not cooperative. The other didn't. You're being more than fair to offer to pay.

Sounds to me like you're being conscientious already, and if that one is complaining about your being a bridezilla over what you've told us, I think I'd rethink her being in my wedding party.

As for what to do -- you can probably cancel any appointments at this time, since it's not like they could not rebook at this point. So call your girls, let them know it will cost $X and you will be contributing $Y towards this, so their cost would be $Z. Ask them to be upfront with you about whether they are interested or not -- tell them it is not required, and if they want to just come and hang out and not get their hair/make up done, you're fine with that. Honestly, I would not trust some random make up artist who had never touched my face to do my make up. I'd be a little leary of the hairstylist too (as I am allergic to about 95% of all hairsprays out there -- and went through Migrane Quest to find the one that did NOT cause a migrane) I'd hate to spend mega bucks on a hair style that is just going to fall because I'm not letting her spray my head unless I've approved the hairspray.

So find out if they really just want to come hang out while YOU do this or if they truly want to have their makeup and hair done. Having it done and paying for it to be done are two different beasties entirely :)

But no, you were not out of line. Your bridesmaid was.

Misty

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Holdens_Bride Posts : 15 Registered: 11/2/10
Re: Honest advice..am I out of line?
Posted: Dec 9, 2010 12:57 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

the way you are telling it no, they don't have to do anything but pay for a portion of their hair and pick out whatever dress they want that is reasonable to work with the wedding, but is there something more?

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ginarook Posts : 15 Registered: 11/30/10
Re: Honest advice..am I out of line?
Posted: Dec 10, 2010 4:38 PM Go to message in response to: donedreamin

I don' think you are being out of line, in fact you're being quite accommodating. It's true, most of us are hurting financially right now...except for that 1%.

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deliciousappleb... Posts : 15 Registered: 8/21/10
Re: Honest advice..am I out of line?
Posted: Dec 11, 2010 10:58 PM Go to message in response to: donedreamin

You say you asked them "if they would be interested in going to a salon" with you, but do you really mean to say that you picked a salon and need them to be there? I understand that it's your wedding and you have that picturesque ideal of being surrounded by your girls on your wedding day, because I want that too - which is why I'm paying.

What I'm saying is, if you have to have them there with you, you should probably pay. Or at least pay a good chunk of it, and decide now how much that will be. The other thing I'm thinking is maybe it's important to you to know exactly what their hair will look like (photos are forever, after all) and that it's done well. You should pay for that too. I know it sucks to spend that extra cash, but it's not a surprise to anyone that weddings are expensive. If you're willing to give up having them there with you at the salon, and you trust them to have it done nicely without your supervision, then tell them they can go get their hair done wherever they want at their own cost. Same thing as you did for the dresses.

...

As a side note, these kinds of questions always throw me off a bit... I'm the only girl in my family (except for one cousin who is only about 13 right now), my mother didn't have any bridesmaids when she remarried, and I'm the first of my small circle of friends to become engaged. As a result, I haven't been in a wedding party since I did the flower girl bit nearly 20 years ago, so I didn't know until recently that it's normal for bridesmaids to pay their own way! I personally can't imagine asking someone important to me to stand with me on my wedding day and then expect her to pay ME for the honour! But I guess that's just me. I guess I can understand dresses and shoes IF finances get tight, but in my opinion, the rest should be on me. So keep that in mind when considering my input. :P

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