I'm coming to you ladies with an extremely personal matter that I need some advice on, particularly from a neutral standpoint, from someone who is not emotionally invested in the outcome.

On August 22nd of this year, I got a phone call from my older brother P that absolutely knocked me on my ass, in shock. A little back-story on this is necessary, before I go any further.

I have three siblings - my younger sister, L, my brother, P, and my oldest brother, J. Not a lot of people know about J. Frankly, I didn't know about J until I was twelve years old. He's never been a part of my life, and much of J's story is very cloudy. I only know what details P has been able to provide for me. My dad has never liked talking about J, and usually gets very defensive if he's brought up. But here is what I do know: at some point while my father was married to P's mother, they had a falling out, and briefly separated. While they were separated, my father had a brief relationship with another woman, and then later reconciled with P's mother. Months after this brief relationship with the other woman, J was born. P was born two years later. My father claims that he isn't actually J's birth father, and that the woman was already pregnant when he met her, but he had agreed to sign as the boy's father on the birth certificate since the real father wasn't in the picture. Somehow I find that story a little hard to believe, even though my grandfather did the exact same thing with my uncle R decades before (very, very long story for a different day). At any rate, J is my brother in name, if not also in blood. My father was very sparingly involved in J's life. J's mother moved on and later met & married a very nice man, who was essentially the only father figure J had. My father saw him now & then while he was living in Sweden, and helped J get an apartment in Stockholm when he turned eighteen. Aside from that? Nothing. P had a relationship with J for a few years when they were very young, but as adults, they've never been close. I never knew J existed until I was twelve. I was in the middle of a conversation with my mother, in our garden, about something (I can't even remember what about), when she said "...Well, what about J?" I asked her what she meant, and who J was. She said "Your other older brother." And my world came crashing down, for a brief moment. After a quick argument with my mother about why I hadn't been informed I had two brothers, it essentially boiled down to "Well, I thought your father told you kids already. I only met him twice." So yeah, this whole thing screams soap opera drama.

Anyway, back to my story about what happened August 22nd. When I moved to Sweden last year, I tried to get in touch with J over Facebook, as did P. He never responded to any of our messages, and we just figured he didn't want anything to do with us (can't really blame him for that), & moved on with our lives. Well, P calls me on August 22nd, saying "You're never going to believe who I ran into today." I laughed, asked if it was Alexander Skårsgard again (he met him at a truck stop in southern Sweden two weeks earlier), and P said "No. Our brother." I got really quiet for a second and then asked him to explain. It was one of those moments straight out of a movie. You know what I mean, those stereotypical "woman gets shocking news and immediately has to sit down because she's too weak to stand" moments. I literally had to sit down and strain to listen to what P was telling me because my mind was running at a million miles a minute. Evidently while P was in the next town over, he went into Elgiganten (our Swedish version of Best Buy). He noticed an employee out of the corner of his eye & got a sneaking suspicion that he recognized him. He approached the employee and said "Excuse me, what's your name?" The employee turned to face P and said "My name is J." Immediately J recognized P and they both said, almost at once, "Oh my God..." J and P hadn't seen each other in over fifteen years, and hadn't spoken in almost ten. J couldn't talk long since he was working, but evidently he asked a lot about me, and how P's life has been going. J told P that he was living in Stockholm with his girlfriend, and was working in the store after getting laid off from a previous job. He explained to P that he hadn't responded to either of our messages on Facebook because he's been so emotionally overwhelmed at hearing from us that the only thing he could really do was ignore the messages. I can completely understand that. Anyway, he had to get ready to get back to work, but before they parted ways, they exchanged phone numbers, and agreed that the three of us should go out for a beer & get to talk for a while, one weekend. P called me as soon as he left the store. I was absolutely astonished, and the shock still hasn't completely worn off, months later.

P and J later agreed that we should meet on September 11th or 12th. But the day came and went, and we never met. P tried texting J several times that week, but got no response. At that point, I just said "Screw it, I'm too busy with school to be worrying about this right now," and completely put it out of my mind. Evidently P and J have talked since then, and met a few times at the store when P has needed to pick up something, but that's as far as it has gone.

Now that we are getting closer to the holidays, and I am done with school for now, I keep feeling this urge to seek him out and meet him for myself. Maybe just drive to that store (it's only 20 minutes away, can you believe that?), introduce myself, and just, so to speak, "rip the band-aid off in one fast, fluid motion". But I feel like the fact that J hasn't exactly sought out P or I for this "meeting" he seemed so excited about shows that he has his own life, and maybe we have no part in it.

I can't really describe the emotions I'm feeling over this whole thing, to be honest. It's a bizarre combination of excitement, nerves, and overall confusion. I was really excited to finally meet him. I still am. I am nervous he won't like me/he'll be a total douche in person/we just won't get along. I'm confused for a cornucopia of reasons.

I've felt this gap ever since I found out about J, seven years ago. Whenever people would ask me about my family, I'd talk about my sister & older brother P, but in the back of my head I always wondered about J. I didn't like talking about J because, well, I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed because it always felt (and still does) like my family is the only one who has to deal with all this soap opera drama. Few of my friends have divorced parents that have remarried multiple times. Few of them have half-siblings. None of my friends have siblings they've never met/heard of. No one would really understand, because it's not normal. The few people I did tell, most of them wound up teasing me for it because, well, it IS a fucked up situation, and people are cruel/hostile toward things they don't understand. So, I kept it to myself for a lot of years. And it always felt like I had put this mental asterisk symbol next to the words "my family" because we weren't complete. I had my sister, my other brother, my mom, and my dad, but that oldest brother eluded me for all those years. I don't think I ever realized how much it bothered me all this time until the day P called. The years of pain, embarrassment, and feelings of rejection all came back to the surface, and it crippled me for weeks.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I'm not expecting J to immediately become my "big brother" and for us to be as close as P and I are. I'd love for us all to get along, and, once my sister L comes next summer, have all four of us be pretty tight-knit. But I know how unlikely that is.

I'm really hoping to finally getting some closure about this whole thing, and put a name to a face. But I am so scared of being rejected, I don't know if I can or even should go through with this. I don't want to force my way into this man's life.

What do you guys think?

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

Dear Van,

I'll add this.

You probablly know I have twin sons. I also have a niece who moved in with us following the deaths of her parents. She was 16 when she moved in; the boys were 14.

Before that point in time, my boys and their cousin really got along great. She was the "glamorous older woman" in their young lives, and she was charmed by these two funny, rambunctious identical twin boys. Before she moved in they knew each other and liked each other. They played well together.

However, it was a real adjustment on everyones' part for the boys to suddenly "gain a sister". It's one thing to see a cousin once or twice a week. It's a whole different thing to find her makeup and hair care products in your bathroom. (Finding her Tampax in the cabinet was a severe shock to one of my boys. His face was drained of color.)

Even starting with a positive past history, there were a lot of ups and downs for my boys suddenly living with a pseudo-sister. Her adjustment was, of course, immense. She had lost both parents and was, suddenly, no longer an only child living in a girl-girl household with just her mother.

I tell you this to remind you that sibling relationships can be complex even under the best circs. Your situation is far from the "best" of circs. As I said before, I strongly suggest you contact your brother, make sure he has your contact info, then just wait.

Dear Van,

Finally: Be prepared for the long game. He might not feel a need to contact you for 10, 20, 30 years. Might not be ever.

Give him your info, keep your Facebook status current, and then wait.

People go through life changes when they marry, when they have kids and when the kids grow up. It might be one of those life changes that triggers a need for a sister. Please be patient and don't think there's anything wrong with you if your new brother does not "jump" into your life immediately.

After all, I did not feel a need to search for my bio-parents until I was 43, after my own parents had both died. That was my life change trigger.

Dear Van,

That's the spirit. At least you will have tried. Then, you can sleep easy knowning that you reached out when you could.

Hmmm... let's see, you're going from Snowy Sweden to Sunny So Cal?

Sorry, I just had to but in and say, "It was 30 degrees this morning in sunny San Diego! LOL

Van, it sounds like what you did was the best thing you could do. I do hope you two will have a relationship with each other.

I was gone for the last week. What happened with half this thread?

Your dad sounds similar to my mom as far as not letting others know about things. The only reason I find things out is because my grandmother tells me things.

Recently I found out my grandfather died(about a month ago). My grandmother told me; my mom still hasn't said anything. I had never met him and my mom didn't have a relationship with him, but I had always wished to have had met him.

Unfortunately, it sounds like this is how your dad deals with things. Ignorance is bliss. As much as we don't like it, we really can't change that.

Regarding your stepmother, it's probably best to leave it as is.