Gift giving Etiquette

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MisOctober Posts : 167 Registered: 5/2/07
Gift giving Etiquette
Posted: Sep 3, 2010 1:06 PM

Hello,

I need a little advice. I got married last October, 2009. My cousin and his fiancee came to my elegent wedding and did not give us a gift, or a card. He said that he forgot the card at home and will bring it over to me, he lives one street behind me. I never received a card from him to this day. I am really not concerned about getting a gift from him, its more the back story of it. My aunt told my mother that he did in fact have a card for me with $100 in it, but they needed it for something so they opened the card and used the money. Then it got late and they were too emabarrassed to bring me a card. So my feelings are, they could have mailed it even and not had to face me. Anyways, now they are getting married, actually tomorrow. Do I give them a card and money? I usually would give $100. They are not having a formal wedding, its outside on a farm at the grooms (my cousin) mothers house. Should I give a card with nothing in it or just a small amount or nothing at all? Any advice is appreciated!! Thanks in advance!

When is my wedding

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Gift giving Etiquette
Posted: Sep 3, 2010 1:16 PM Go to message in response to: MisOctober

I would give what you ordinarily give, assuming you can afford that. It appears they intended to do the same, but had some sort of financial setback, and were embarrassed as a result. That doesn't sound thoughtless or mean, just sounds like life.

So, I'd just do what I ordinarily would do, and it doesn't matter whose wedding was fancy and whose was not, or if they both were or weren't. The gifts aren't (for me) based on the degree of formality of event, rather they are based on my relationship with those involved (the bride and groom) and my budget.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Gift giving Etiquette
Posted: Sep 3, 2010 1:25 PM Go to message in response to: MisOctober

I agree with Cyndi.

 

 

 

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Gift giving Etiquette
Posted: Sep 3, 2010 1:34 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I'm not as big a person as you are. I'd give them a card. It's more than they gave you and may remind them of their poor behavior. I believe that attending a wedding without giving a gift (and it does not have to be a big gift, but it should be +something+) is the ultimate etiquette faux pas, and whatever their trivial excuses are, I see no reason to reward them for their immaturity and lack of consideration.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Gift giving Etiquette
Posted: Sep 3, 2010 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: MisOctober

Dear MisO,

I'd be totally OK with just the card, and no gift.

However, if you want to be truly snarky, give them a card with your usual cash gift that you would otherwise give.

It never hurts to take the high road.

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MisOctober Posts : 167 Registered: 5/2/07
Re: Gift giving Etiquette
Posted: Sep 3, 2010 2:40 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thank you everyone. I kind of agree with Myra and AOTB. I do not know what they needed the money for, but I do know they are financially set. They could have at least mailed me just a card, that way they didnt have to face me. I have seen them since then and they say nothing to me about it. My brother is getting married in Dec. and my mom made a joke to my cousins dad that they should just call it even with the gifts and my cousin was there and shouted No I dont like that idea! LOL meanwhile, I was standing right there thinking, you didnt give me anything I should just call that even when its your wedding. I am not trying to be mean about this, but I just think it was ridiculous that he took that money out of the card and spent it instead of just mailing it or running it over to me. Now its his turn, why should I give him anything? I probably will, but I wont want to. Maybe only 25 or 50.

When is my wedding

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KateLouise Posts : 40 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: Gift giving Etiquette
Posted: Sep 3, 2010 4:01 PM Go to message in response to: MisOctober

I would just give them a card with a nice message and genuine good wishes. I actually believe that's the more tactful thing to do - if they were really too embarrassed to mail the card later, imagine how embarrassed they'll be to receive a gift they didn't reciprocate.

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MisOctober Posts : 167 Registered: 5/2/07
Re: Gift giving Etiquette
Posted: Sep 3, 2010 4:50 PM Go to message in response to: KateLouise

I was thinking the same thing, I didnt want to embarrass them even more, but I was thinking I would be embarrassed if I didnt give anything. You ladies really helped me out, the wedding is tomorrow and I think im just going to give a card with some nice wishes inside. I hope its the right choice. Thanks!!

When is my wedding

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Gift giving Etiquette
Posted: Sep 3, 2010 5:06 PM Go to message in response to: MisOctober

Dear MisO,

" I didnt want to embarrass them even more, but I was thinking I would be embarrassed if I didnt give anything"

Given a choice between embarrassing them and embarrasing myself, I would TOTALLY choose to embarrass them.

I would get a ton of Schadenfreude by giving them my "normal" generous gift when they have acted like greedy jerks.

But, it's your choice. If you want to give them just a card with some nice sentiment inside, then great. I wouldn't lose a wink of sleep.

****

But on the other hand... what if one believes, truly, the card with the money was given and the other was the one who helped himself to the cash? The innocent part of the couple might be offended by getting nothing from you.

Wife: "Hey, we gave her $100 and now we get only a card. Not only that, but they never sent us a thank you note."
Guilty Greedy Husband: "Um, I dunno. Shrug."

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Gift giving Etiquette
Posted: Sep 7, 2010 2:35 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I would get a ton of Schadenfreude by giving them my "normal" generous gift when they have acted like greedy jerks.

Yeah, but Schadenfreude means taking pleasure in someone else's pain. I doubt if these jerks would be embarassed or feel any pain. Therefore, I'd go with just the card.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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MisOctober Posts : 167 Registered: 5/2/07
Re: Gift giving Etiquette
Posted: Nov 24, 2010 11:06 AM Go to message in response to: myras

Well, I ended up giving a card and $50. Im glad I did in the end. I always try to be the better person :)

Thanks for everyones advice!

When is my wedding

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jackson132 Posts : 1,623 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Gift giving Etiquette
Posted: Sep 16, 2012 12:50 AM Go to message in response to: MisOctober

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