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I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!

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Guest
I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Feb 21, 2006 6:49 PM

Confused my son and fiance are college students...her family and ours support them financially. I like his wife to be...i had always thought that who he married would be like another daughter...we certainly treat her like one of our own...our son is very close with our family...However the wedding is in her town 2 hours away....We have never been there or been invited. Since they have been in this town for 20 plus years there will be tons of people from their town family friends etc... I was told to plan the rehearsal dinner and they would approve everything I did...keep in mind these are 22 year olds..They have never lived on their own...they have an apartment but they are students so we both sides pays their bills...we bought them a brand new bedroom suit kitchen set den etc...just us...They chose (her family) the place for the rehearsal dinner and insisted on wine and a sit down dinner...(We are paying for all of this)The wedding reception will not be a sit down dinner.They have registered for 5,000 worth of crystal and china. Stemware at 55.00 a flass??? Something they could never afford themselves...We are paying for a 15,000 dollar honeymoon for 10 days in the nicest one and only suite in an all inclusive 5 star hotel in St. Lucia. that they picked out and had to approve after we did all the work and even used our air miles so they could fly first class. I can't help but feel.... that we our family write checks for anything they want...but we have absolutely no standing...it's like we are a guest at out sons wedding...yet we pay for all these things??? I realize it is the brides day but HEllO....the groom is half the wedding party and we will be spending as much as the wedding with the honeymoon, rehearsal dinner, paying for out of town groomsmen etc...I am somewhat heartbroken that i will be a guest and our family will be strangers with all these people. We just smile and pay for things.... How can anyone see this as fair...please only positive responses....We raised our son to be the kind of men that women want to marry and then we get treated like this... these people adore our son and are so happy but seem to not want to know or care about the wonderful people who raised him or made him this way!!! How can I go to this wedding and feel good....They get (her family) everthing that they want for their daughters big day....But we have a son we have loved nurtured etc...and feel like we are just supplying the groom so they can have their fantasy. While we are to nod and write checks!!!! Does anyone understand????

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Guest
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Apr 7, 2006 1:27 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Have you ever talked to them about it.  They may not even know they are doing it I personally would want my FIL to tell me if I was being ungrateful or taking something for granted.  Just be sure to do it in a relaxed way to keep it from being uncomfortable and awkward from then on.  Also they might just need a reality check being a younge bride myself I know how easy it is to get caught up in the excitment and forget that people are paying with real money and not fake money. 

If they are students and never had to pay for anything themselves they may not know that value of money growing up if I wanted something I had to pay for it including all of my schooling and housing so it is easier for myself to understand that even 5,000 dollars is a lot of money a lot of my friends however never had to pay for anything and ended up getting into debt when they finished school and were on their own so teaching them the value of money now would be a very good thing.  Anyway sorry this is so long good luck!!

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tanalynn Posts : 491 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Jul 11, 2006 12:23 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I feel really bad for you and hope it works out for you. I hope that you can sit down and talk to her and him and let them know how you feel. Let them know that you are his parents and what to be involved and that you are not just a checkbook.

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Guest
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Jul 20, 2006 10:01 AM Go to message in response to: tanalynn

What about inviting his parents to your house for dinner?  And yes I would start putting some imput into the wedding .  They may be very controlling people and are running with the wedding plans.  So step in and tell them if you want to do something different.  Of course run it by your son first to see how he and his furhter wife feel about it .  If you don't want to spend all this money on China , then tell the brides mother.  Can we come up with something less exspensive.  You are paying for alot towards this wedding and that is your son.  So call  the mother of the brdie on the phone and tell her how you feel or tell her in person.  Just step in and say  to your son and bride , can I take help out with something.  I am sure they will have something for you to do , unless it is done already.

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Guest
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Sep 8, 2006 10:26 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Talk to your sone first Sit him down and let him know how you are feeling and how much this is costing you. Be sure to emphasize how you are feeling with what is going on with the wedding that that you love and care for him. Then have a sit down with the family as a whole and bring up the finances there. It is not fair that the grooms family onlt pay for the wedding. He is very lucky that you are willing to pay for as much as you did. Unfortunatley my fiance and I will be paying for our wedding ourselves. 

 

I hope it all goes well. Keep us posted!  

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Guest
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Jun 28, 2007 11:54 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

It was interesting for me to read this. My FH and I had a discussion about the involvement of our mothers and decided that what we really wanted for them was no stress. Just buy a nice dress, get their hair done and show up. Never occurred to me they might feel excluded (now I feel like I should have a chat with both of them!) I guess what I'm saying is, it probably never occurred to them that it's important to you to be involved. Never would have occurred to me, and I'm 10 years older than your son and his fiance. Granted we are also paying for our wedding, we're older, after all. But I agree with the posts above. You don't have to get overly emotional or even talk about the money, just have a chat and let them know you want to be more involved. Might be worth saying, "gee, I'd love to see this town you grew up in, maybe we'll take a drive out and look around next weekend. Scope out the wedding site." You are likely to get an invitation to do so at some point, if you repeatedly express an interest. Don't make it about money, let them know you just want to be iin on the details. I'm sure they'll be happy to include you more if they know it's important to you.

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Guest
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Jul 1, 2007 9:54 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

My heart goes out to you; I am sure that no son or daughter want their mother to feel this way.  I think if parents are kind enough to contribute financially to a wedding, the bride and groom need to keep in mind what is reasonable for their parents to pay.  No one should go in extreme debt for a wedding; it is just ONE DAY!!! 

You did mention that the wedding is not a sit down dinner, and there seemed to be a little anger at the fact that the rehearsal didn't 'match' the wedding; even if the wedding is a buffet, or even just champagne and cake, it is still quite expensive, when you figure in flowers, cake, attendant gifts, etc.  

Also, why is the China honeymoon so expensive?  I spent a week in Beijing and a week in Shanghai and spent less than $1000. 

 

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Guest
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Jul 1, 2007 9:56 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

ooops, scratch that part in my last post about China; I had read someone else's reply to your initial email sighting China.  I just saw that you are sending the lucky couple to St. Lucia.  Still, $15,000 seems pretty expensive.

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futuremrsmcnamara Posts : 109 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Sep 20, 2007 10:07 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with some of the other posts. Your son and his bride may not even realize that they are taking things forgranted. I would sit down with the 2 of them and discuss it. In a diplomatic way. They probably don't fully understand the financial responsibility that you and your family are taking on. Now would be a good time to explain this to them. Talking things out will help the situation - NOT talking things out will only build resentment.

(Personally- I think that the brides family picking out where the rehearsal dinner will be - and then expecting you to pay for it is a little "Over the top"...I totally don't agree with this. BUT maybe they are just assuming that you are unsure of good locations to hold the rehearsal dinner, because you are not from the area? )

Anyways good luck with everything, and let us all know how things pan out. Take care,

futuremrs.mcnamara


 

<a href="http://www.whenismywedding.com/"><img alt="When is my wedding" src="http://www.whenismywedding.com/signature/65f36d988b9d3df0.gif" /></a>

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sadmom12 Posts : 1 Registered: 11/23/10
I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 7:51 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

My son will be getting married early next year. My husband and I don't have a bad relationship w/ him or his fiance (so far). They have been living together for 2 years and seemed fine. Now that they are getting married, we invited her and her family for a dinner, just to celebrate and talk about the arrangements of the wedding ceremony and offer any contribution to the wedding. We were told that they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone also.
It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything, and we don't have anything to do with the matter. We felt very hurt, just shut up and swallowed because we didn't want to create a conflict. But we also don't feel comfortable attending the wedding either, since the mother of the bride made clear that she is paying 120.00 for each guests to be at the reception. We even feel that we are costing her 240.00 dollars.
We still didn't get to talk to our son after the meeting and don't really know how to approach the situation. My son seems to be totally under their control. We are just surprised to find out that they are 2 control freaks and just don't know what to say or do. WE definitely don't want to go to the wedding, but don't know how to tell this to him. PLEASE HELP.

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hljanes Posts : 57 Registered: 12/31/09
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 11:11 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

First, talk to your son and tell him how you feel. I can understand them not wanting money from you, because it would take away their control over the wedding planning. However, financial contributions aside, a wedding is joining two families and to completely exclude one is unfair.

Doesn't your son have family that he would like to attend his wedding (and it is still his wedding, not just her or her family's wedding)?

Talk to him. Appeal to his desire to have his own family present for such an important day. I know my fiance has people he definitely wants to attend our wedding, and he would not sit quietly if they were excluded.

I won't suggest you go as far as to tell him that you won't come to the wedding, but if you do feel uncomfortable attending, it might be worth mentioning your discomfort.

Edited to reply to the correct poster.

Edited by: hljanes on Nov 23, 2010 12:20 PM

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WellWisher Posts : 175 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 11:37 AM Go to message in response to: hljanes

Traditionally, a wedding was held in the bride's hometown. Her parents footed most of the bill, while the groom's parents paid for some smaller things, such as the groom's attire and a rehearsal dinner, which was for immediate family, the officiant of the wedding, and the bridal party.

You have been very generous towards your son and his fiance. If you feel you have been taken advantage of, especially to the point where you don't want to attend the wedding, then it's time to sit down with him and have a talk about how you feel. Use "I" statements to tell him how you feel without accusing him of anything.

Traditionally the bride's family does plan most of the wedding, and they may think you are well-to-do since you've already given them so much (a $15000 honeymoon? To a stranger it would seem you are wealthy) and so for that reason they may have picked a more expensive venue for the rehearsal dinner. The bride's family assumes you are covering the rehearsal dinner because this is what the groom's family traditionally does, before they buy them gifts or fund the honeymoon. Traditionally speaking, the rehearsal dinner was the groom's parent's gift. If this is not your plan, you need to let them know so they can make plans to do something else.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 11:42 AM Go to message in response to: hljanes

First of all the OP you are replying to posted in 2006 and I'm sure the wedding has passed.

The more recent PP has slightly different issues.

 

 

 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 12:29 PM Go to message in response to: sadmom12

Sadmom12 - First of all, don't do anything drastic - if you threaten or tell him you don't want to go to the wedding, you are committing emotional black mail and that's not OK especially not at this stage.

Are the kids paying for the wedding or her parents? My parents paid for my wedding, but my inlaws were absolutely able to invite who they wanted, but I've learned that my parents are incredibly easy going and I really appreciate it!

If the kids are paying for the wedding, then they get to decide the guest list. I guess it falls in line that if the in laws are paying then they get to decide, but I just hate those lines drawn in the sand.

Sit down with your son and discuss this with him. Maybe he has the guest list with family and close family friends already figured out.

Discuss it with him and then go from there.

 

 

 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: I Feel Like a Guest at my Son's Wedding!
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 12:39 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Oh and I'd also like to point out that my BIL and his wife paid for their wedding so they decided what family members to invite, etc. My MIL thought she'd be able to do a list and they said no. They also said the same to her parents.

IF we had paid for our wedding ourselves, that probably would have been more along the lines of what we would have done.

 

 

 

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