I need to vent!

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smalltownlady Posts : 16 Registered: 8/18/10
I need to vent!
Posted: Nov 16, 2010 6:45 PM

I apologize in advance- this whole post will be a rant, but I need to get this off my chest, and my poor fiance is already stressed enough about it.

We were engaged over 6 weeks ago. We planned a very short engagement- originally we wanted to get married in February 2011. I know its not a lot of time, but neither of us wanted a big fancy fairytale wedding- all we want is to be married to each other.

The only thing that mattered to me is that we get married in my Church. I'm Catholic and my faith is very important to me. My fiance is not, but he understands how important and why it is important to me.

So we contacted my church (keep in mind that this is a church I attend every Sunday, and that I lead the parish youth group at) and were unable to meet with the person in charge of booking weddings until we got both our baptismal certificates from the church we were baptized in- not the copy our parents have. I got mine fairly quickly, but my fiance's church has closed so we had to go to archives- it took 2 weeks to get the certificates.

Once we had them, the person we needed to meet with wasn't free to meet us for another 2 weeks. Then he canceled the meeting day of because another parishioner had died (understandable- I don't mind that) and rescheduled 3 days later.

When we met with him, we set a date of Feb. 12, 2011. However, I wanted a wedding mass- not just the ceremony, and he said he had to get authorization from the priest to do that because my fiance wasn't Catholic, so we couldn't confirm the date. We also had to do marriage prep (which I expected) and try to book that before Feb. 12.

We managed to get into marriage prep and attended it two weekends ago. I kept calling to see if the mass was approved- he didn't get back to me until this Monday, stating that it was approved, but not for the Feb. 12 date- it's too soon to get the approval we need from the bishop.

So we've picked a new date (April 30), but he can't meet with us again until Nov 29 to confirm the new date. I am getting so frustrated!!! By Nov. 29 we will have been engaged for 2 months and we still don't have a date!

My family keeps calling and asking what the date is so they can make their plans (again totally understandable) and I keep having to tell them I don't know. I can't book a hall or caterer or photographer until I have the date for the ceremony, and I still don't have that.

In some ways, moving to April is good because at this point it will be next to impossible to have everything ready for Feb 12, but it's not what my fiance and I really want. (Feb 12 is the anniversary of our first date, so it was very meaningful to us)

If getting married in my church wasn't so important to me, we'd just elope. But I know I would regret that, and my fiance doesn't want that. But he's getting so frustrated that we can't even set the date! And I dread answering the phone or checking my e-mail because its full of well meaning family (I have a large

I know this was a long rant, and I thank those of you who read it. I don't really have a question, I just needed space to vent. I feel better just getting it out.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: I need to vent!
Posted: Nov 16, 2010 6:59 PM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

Ugh, the difficulty of setting the date.

I'm glad you feel better having vented. Is there anyone or two people in the family who are great about disseminating the info to the family? On my Dad's side I have an aunt who's awesome at that. LOL I would call them and ask them to pass the word around that you don't have a date yet, you're hoping for such and such, but as soon as YOU know THEY"ll know.

Maybe that will help. Or even try a mass email to that effect. Not the most gentle of ways, but you need to reduce the stress if possible. :-)

Good luck and hope you get approval!

 

 

 

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mrscreamer2be Posts : 153 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: I need to vent!
Posted: Nov 17, 2010 12:36 AM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

Hi,

I'm Catholic as well. It does take longer to get married in a Catholic church(again, depends on Diocese) because they want you to be prepared for marriage. I had an interfaith ceremony. I couldn't have the mass because I don't have all of my sacraments and DH can't receive Eucharist. We had everything included in our ceremony except the Eucharist.

Unfortunately, yes it's true you can't set a date until you have spoken to someone. I got engaged New Year's Eve and couldn't set our date until March.

Everyone asks about the date. And as soon as we got married everyone asked -so when are you having kids.

You can't really do anything until you talk to someone. Be patient. Before you know it, you'll have talked to them.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: I need to vent!
Posted: Nov 17, 2010 4:51 AM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

Dear STL,

Because the Roman Catholics see marriage as permanent and because "church divorces" are very difficult, they want to be very sure before agreeing to marry the couple. The last thing they want to see is a too-quick wedding followed by an equally too-quick divorce.

Of course, you already know that.

On the other hand, there is such a thing as being rude and inefficient in scheduling appointment times. If you are meeting your obligations then they should meet theirs. Sure, everyone understands that appts can get cancelled for things like funerals, but going month after month without firming your date is inexcusable.

You did not even mention the usually obligatory pre-Cana classes.

Since you do want a Catholic wedding, you don't have much choice but just deal with the situation as it is. I suggest you keep careful notes as to appts and missed opportunities, then later, after you are married, you might form or join some kind of committee to improve pastoral care in your parish, citing your own experience as a point of reference.

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smalltownlady Posts : 16 Registered: 8/18/10
Re: I need to vent!
Posted: Nov 17, 2010 10:45 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thanks everyone,

I appreciate the suggestions- especially about getting someone to let everyone know what's going on. My mom knows how frustrated we are getting, and she's been trying to calm everyone down on my side of the family, but I don't have that contact with my fiance's side- his mom is always asking him for a date so they can plan flights (they live on the other side of the country) so I completely understand why they want to know.

We actually did do the engaged encounter 2 weekends ago now, so we have met all the requirements for pre-cana/wedding prep. We also got the letter from both our parents that were required- just details about our maturity, ability to marry, etc. The 2 week delay for the baptismal certificates was definitely our delay- I can't fault the parish for that, but the rest of it? Not so much I don't think.

My diocese has a 6 month wait period, but the day after we got engaged, I called my priest and asked if it was a hard and fast rule or not. He said given my involvement in the parish, and the fact that he knows me that we could probably waive it, but that I have to follow the parish rules and go through the wedding co-ordinator (for lack of a better term) to set the dates etc. He's only been in the parish for about 6 months, so he doesn't want to step on any toes yet.

I know their are politics in my parish- I do my best to stay out of them, but I feel like part of this is a big power trip by the person involved. (We have clashed over the direction the youth group should go in the past, and the priest agreed with me).

It's precisely because I believe so strongly that marriage is a sacrament and that divorce is not an option ever that I want to be married in the church.

I've been trying to not drag the priest into all of this because I know he's still feeling out the parish, but I think I have no choice but to ask him to get involved if we don't have a date on Nov. 29.

Again, thank-you all just for giving me the opportunity to vent about this.

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KateLouise Posts : 40 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: I need to vent!
Posted: Nov 17, 2010 5:25 PM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

It's perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do and you have every right to vent. It must be very frustrating not to even have a date and there's no excuse for that.

As someone who had a Catholic wedding, I wonder whether the mass approval may be part of the problem. Our priest would not do a nuptial mass unless both partners were Catholic - not because he discriminated or disapproved in any way, but simply because marriage was supposed to be unitive and if half the congregation (or even half of the newly married couple) could not share in the communion, it was not a good representation of unity. If your partner's family are not Catholic, they may not understand that they cannot take communion or take it as a personal insult that they are excluded. That was our priest's reasoning, anyway (I don't necessarily agree).

I hope your parish is more flexible but it is something to think about. But I would say that the church ceremony was so special it was worth all the "challenges", so don't lose heart :)

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