Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help

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Azzura Posts : 21 Registered: 5/31/09
Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 14, 2010 11:32 AM

Hi Everyone,

My fiancé and I are getting married in July. We chose to have a two year engagement so that we could afford to honeymoon in France. The time has come to register and I'm having issues.

We purchased my grandmother's house two years ago. Any household items that relatives didn't want were left to us. We are so fortunate to have almost anything that we would want or need. I even have a full set of china. I don't want to replace my grandmothers things for new items because I don't see the need and there is some sentimental value. Here is the problem. Do I register for the sake of registering? My mother thinks that I should, but I don't want to ask people to give me items that I don't really want and won't really use.

I had thought that I would do a honeymoon registry, but the websites that do it charge a large percent. As a guest, that would really bother me. I am thinking of just putting the information on my wedding website. Here is what I have. Please tell me what you think. I'm driving myself crazy over this!

"Eric and I are fortunate enough to be established in our home. Although we have given our mothers a list of some household items that we would like, we have chosen to forego a traditional registry. Instead, we hope to focus on making our honeymoon a once in a lifetime experience.

Eric and I are planning our dream honeymoon to France. We chose an 11 day tour through Rick Steves that takes us through Paris, Bourges, the Loire Valley, Mont St. Michel, and Bayeux (Normandy). We are looking forward to many wonderful experiences during this trip, including a visit to Chateau de Guedelon - a medieval castle being built using 13th century materials and techniques.

We hope to extend our trip to the fortified city of Carcassonne. This is the largest medieval site in all of Europe! There we will enjoy the history, festivals, markets, vineyards, and maybe even a trip to the Riviera."

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 14, 2010 1:17 PM Go to message in response to: Azzura

Here's what I suggest. Don't do the traditional registry, just for the sake of registering. If you do register, there are almost always household items that need replacing or augmenting: e.g. kitchen gadgets, cookware, modern appliances or specialty appliances (for example, the newest wine opener or mini-processor), sheets, towels. Lower priced items are especially nice for shower guests to choose. Or, register with a store like Home Depot for the tools and repair items that most homeowners need over the years.

As for the honeymoon registry, DON'T. Besides the percentage that you mention, many guests still consider it tacky to be asked to contribute cash, whether it's to your household or your honeymoon.

SO, go ahead and mention your honeymoon plans on your wedding website (people will be interested), but DON'T connect the honeymoon in any way with the gifts you expect to receive or why you're not registering. DON'T mention that you've inherited the house or have most of what you need.

People will get it. Put out the word to close family and friends that IF PEOPLE ASK, you'd like cash. IF PEOPLE DON'T ASK, stay mum and let them figure it out. Yes, you'll receive a few things you don't want or need--but, oh well, a gift is a gift and should be received with gratitude.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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KathrynGetsHitc... Posts : 8 Registered: 1/30/08
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 15, 2010 3:22 AM Go to message in response to: Azzura

I found this article on Slate.com which might help you make a decision. We just gave a wedding gift to a couple using the site http://www.simpleregistry.com and I think there is only a credit card processing fee.

In Defense of Greedy Brides -
There's nothing wrong with asking for cash as a wedding gift.
http://www.slate.com/id/2168008/

Edited by: KathrynGetsHitched on Nov 15, 2010 3:22 AM

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 15, 2010 10:34 AM Go to message in response to: Azzura

I think the best thing to do here is forgo a traditional registry (as you are) and let the chips fall where they may. In light of Myra's advice think you should write on your website, in seperate places, 1) that you've inherited a house and the items to furnish it and 2) that you have planned an excellent honeymoon. And you can clearly dilineate them in separate paragraphs with separate titles.

For example:

Our Regiatry

Eric and I are fortunate enough to be established in our home. Although we have given our mothers a list of some household items that we would like, we have chosen to forego a traditional registry.

Our Honeymoon

Eric and I are planning our dream honeymoon to France. We chose an 11 day tour through Rick Steves that takes us through Paris, Bourges, the Loire Valley, Mont St. Michel, and Bayeux (Normandy). We are looking forward to many wonderful experiences during this trip, including a visit to Chateau de Guedelon - a medieval castle being built using 13th century materials and techniques.

We hope to extend our trip to the fortified city of Carcassonne. This is the largest medieval site in all of Europe! There we will enjoy the history, festivals, markets, vineyards, and maybe even a trip to the Riviera.



By placing one topic right after the other, your guests will figure out on their own that 1) you don't need material possessions and 2) you are planning a pretty expensive honeymoon in France. That's all the hints they need to give you cash. Knowing that, I'd give you a check, and on the For line, I'd write "French wine."

P.S. I'm jealous. Your honeymoon sounds fantastic.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 15, 2010 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I'm with Myras and MrsD and I actually really like MrsD's suggestion about the website. Also, I know that for our wedding, if anyone asked my Mom - she did what Myra said, she told them we'd prefer cash, but only if they asked.

Personally I think it's the best way to go and I also am envious of your HM. :-)

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 15, 2010 3:40 PM Go to message in response to: Azzura

Dear Azzura,

"As a guest, that would really bother me."

It would bother me, too, if I were a guest and sent, essentially, an invoice to pony up cash as a price for admittance to your wedding, with part of that cash going to some third party.

Skip the registry entirely. Just don't register anywhere. Tell people "We like surprises".

You'll get plenty of cash gifts that way, and you can use that cash for anything you want including a honeymoon.

Incidentally, a trip to France need not be "once in a lifetime". I go to Europe every year and in fact right now I am in Europe. You've got a good start in life by inheriting well. If travel is important to you, give up other things and take a nice trip annually. That's what I do, and I don't have to go begging to other people to fund my vacation.

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Azzura Posts : 21 Registered: 5/31/09
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 15, 2010 7:57 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thank you all so much for your advice. It really helped. I think that I am going to modify my site so that it has the suggested headings.

I did purchase my house (another reason for a two year engagement). I think that I also need to tweak the website so that it does not appear as though I inherited the house. I didn't realize that it sounded like that.

I am so excited for the honeymoon. I have been planning it for longer than I have been planning the wedding. While Eric was saving for a ring, I was saving for France :)

Again thank you all. I truly appreciate it.

~Erika

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jenwing Posts : 2 Registered: 11/3/10
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 15, 2010 11:02 PM Go to message in response to: Azzura

Eeek! Do you really want the added stress of handling people's money, trying to track who gave you what, etc, in addition to all the wedding planning!? Plus, I do think it's tacky.

I DO NOT think a honeymoon registry is tacky! Come on people, get with the times! These are the same people that say it's tacky to live together before getting married or date online- ignore them!

Honeymoon Wishes charges a small fee (I think 7%) which you can include in the price of the gift so your guests don't even see it. You will have a professional site, customer service and NOT look like you're asking for money! I think that's a much better way to go!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 16, 2010 1:49 AM Go to message in response to: jenwing

Dear Jen

"Honeymoon Wishes charges a small fee (I think 7%)"

That's not a small fee. That's substantial.

Do you not think a guest can figure out the fee by searching the website? Why in the world would I want my money to go to some third party who does nothing but push paper?

"Do you really want the added stress of handling people's money, trying to track who gave you what, etc, in addition to all the wedding planning!?"

If that stresses you out, then you are pretty much unprepared for maintaing an adult financial life.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 16, 2010 8:44 AM Go to message in response to: jenwing

Eeek! Do you really want the added stress of handling people's money, trying to track who gave you what, etc, in addition to all the wedding planning!? Plus, I do think it's tacky.

What exactly do you think most brides do when they have a regular registry and get gifts and money? Seriously?

Honestly, if a couple had a HM registry, I'd probably STILL give cash. I usually give cash when they have a regular registry.

So sorry that I would make it difficult for you to 'track' everything with wedding planning. No, not really sorry after all.

 

 

 

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KateLouise Posts : 40 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 16, 2010 1:11 PM Go to message in response to: Azzura

Just an FYI. I was recently married and we did not have a registry. There was no information, anywhere, about what we wanted. If people asked, we just said gifts weren't necessary. If they pushed, we said "whatever you'd like to give us then!" We just didn't think about it.

I had so many guests comment on how refreshing it was not to be issued with gift demands. Almost all gave (very generous) cash gifts. The few that didn't gave lovely, personal gifts.

And not that it should matter, but I know for a fact that we were given a lot more than my sister and her husband, who married the year before us and sent everyone a registry card with their invitations. Being unassuming is often rewarded...

So please just consider not having anything at all as a valid option :)

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 16, 2010 1:13 PM Go to message in response to: KateLouise

Dear Kate,

"I had so many guests comment on how refreshing"

Add me to that list of refreshed people.

I'm so tired of engaged couples thinking of me as a walking ATM.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 16, 2010 1:27 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I tried not to do a registry and got harangued constantly.

So it was easier to give in - and we needed household things, so it wasn't like it was things we didn't need. Now, nothing got sent out with invites for the shower OR the wedding - but there was a registry.

At least if people didn't like it they had the good grace not to say anything (unlike the ones who felt it necessary for me to have one....).

 

 

 

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jenwing Posts : 2 Registered: 11/3/10
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Nov 16, 2010 2:48 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Dear Aunt,
There is always a cost associated with purchases. Sometimes just using your atm to pay for items has a cost (Arco, etc). I think 7% for customer service, professional website templates, ability to share an ulimited number of pictures is NOT substantial. This is my opiniion.

As for your second comment- I lead a fine adult financial life- in fact, I'm a medical biller so I deal with tracking money all the time. With the added pressure of the florist, the photographer, travel planning, family needs, etc. I don't see why someone would want to add more to their plate. Sometimes it's better to let professionals handle it.

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Holdens_Bride Posts : 15 Registered: 11/2/10
Re: Honeymoon Registry Stress: Please Help
Posted: Dec 16, 2010 3:12 PM Go to message in response to: jenwing

dear whatever,

I am with Jen, I am sick of everything being considered tacky, it is just as tacky to register for a 150.00 place setting in my opinion.

we used a hodgepodge of things- honeymoon, household items, etc- you can put all kinds of things on it for people to "buy" but you cash out. Just like if returned the blender I got for cash, minus the fuel.

Worth checking out- www.uponourstar.com so far, we love it!

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