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I dont want to get married his (and his mom's) way

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Gabs Posts : 2 Registered: 11/8/10

I dont want to get married his (and his mom's) way: Posted: Nov 8, 2010 7:27 AM; I've going through a difficult time recently when planning the wedding.The reason why I joined this blog is to talk about my feelings with complete strangers who will not judge me. I only want a small wedding, not because I am not ready to commitment but because of many things, which I list here. Hope you can help me clearing up my mind.
1. I dont see the need for a wedding. I love my boyfriend, with whom I have been living together for the last 2 years. I want to be with him but I dont see the need of spending huge amounts of money (which we dont have). I'd rather save for other things as the mortgage of a house or a nice trip. What is really going to change besides the rings on our fingers? Nothing, our daily lives will be just like they are now! I would have liked to get married before, when it was really starting a life together now I dont understand why it has to be such a big thing...
2. My opinion doesn't count. My bf and are both foreigners in this country. In 2 years time, we will hopefully move to my country but in the meantime we are geographically closer to his family than to mine. Hence his mom has been planning everything. Fair enough. What I dont like is that she plans the wedding according to her likes, her dreams, her ideas, her style her everything. When I am asked my opinion and I differ from hers we start a battle. I feel so uncomfortable. My bf tries to please us both but somehow he wants to make his family happy because he is the only child. I told him that I would let them do what they want and that I will only show on the wedding day looking nice but he didnt like it.
3. Our relation has turned very tense since the wedding planning started. As I am not really a wedding fanatic, I find all the wedding plans unnecessary. He is German and consequently obsessed with planning. His mom has a time schedule of the wedding day, with almost what is going to happen every single minute of the day. My bf kind of wants a bride who is crazy about wedding stuff. I also get stressed because my work contract will end in less than 1 year and I dont know how times will be after I dont have any income. I do have some savings, he has a good job, but I just feel irresponsible spending into showing off a supposed wealth.
4. I will be surrounded by strangers. Most of the potential guests are strangers to me. Only my parents and siblings can make it to the wedding. Some friends may also be there but most of the guests I will be meeting the first time. I dont understand the language, I will need subtitles to my wedding and that makes me feel quite weird.
5. I asked my bf to go the civil office and sign. What is important to me is to be married, not an expensive party, but he doesnt want to. He said he'd feel ridiculous and he would disappoint loads of people. I feel he wants a wedding only to attach to social conventions and that to him it matters most what they want rather than what I want.
I think it will be either his way or no wedding at all.
As for today the wedding is in stand by. We have only bought the rings and my dress and shoes.
I feel quite sad about this, but I dont think I would feel happy doing something I dont want to do and that makes me very stressed and uncomfortable.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06

Re: I dont want to get married his (and his mom's) way: Posted: Nov 8, 2010 10:10 AM Go to message in response to: Gabs; Dear Gabs,

Why on earth are you marrying someone who is so insensitive to your feelings and opinions?

You run the risk of having your entire life run by his mother's schedule. What career you persue? When do you have babies, and how many? Where you live? Is your housekeeping up to her standards?

Please, I beg of you, think very long and hard about what I'm asking of you. Think. This is just the beginning.

If your boyfriend and his mother can bulldoze you today, they will bulldoze you tomorrow and forever.

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MizJodi Posts : 65 Registered: 3/8/07

Re: I dont want to get married his (and his mom's) way: Posted: Nov 8, 2010 11:22 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride; Please, Please listen to what AOTB has said! Things WON'T get better after marriage; the planning stage is usually quite indicative of how things will be. I once chose to ignore my own doubts and feelings, and married a not-good person.

I believe if I'd had the tools we all have now (like these wonderful message boards) I could have avoided my "lost years" and a bitter divorce. You need and deserve someone who will support YOU and be your cheerleader, as you should be able to give your partner.

Take a couple days at least to yourself if you need; take a small vacation alone and really consider what you're feeling and what you should do :)

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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08

Re: I dont want to get married his (and his mom's) way: Posted: Nov 9, 2010 12:59 PM Go to message in response to: Gabs; I also agree that wedding planning is a window unto a couple's relationship. The wedding planning process with DH pretty much mirrored the process we went through to design our house, how our finances are run, etc etc. In areas where one person has the primary interest and expertise, they�re basically in charge and will consult with the other person on important matters (financial or time/schedule considerations) or where they know the other person is likely to have strong feelings about it.

There were ZERO surprises during the wedding planning process for me and other than general frustrations from time to time (which is pretty normal in life), the process had no major impact on the functioning of our relationship. And IMO, that�s how it should be if you have a healthy relationship.

From what you�ve described, my assumption is that FH is a people-pleaser, trying to keep his family happy even when it�s at your expense. I seriously doubt this has anything to do with the wedding, it�s probably just being amplified because wedding planning provides many opportunities for a person to exhibit their natural behaviour. My other impression is that you two don�t communicate very well and instead of making decisions jointly through compromise, decisions are made by committee and involve his mother and you don�t voice your opinion in a way that has an impact on events.

These are just my impressions from your description, and I may be totally wrong, but if that�s the case or close to it, then I think you need to examine how your relationship works, what you do to contribute to it being that way, and decide whether you want to live like that for the rest of your life.

Personally, I can deal with quirks and different interests. But I CANNOT deal with disrespect, lack of consideration, or rudeness. Those would be dealbreakers for me and I would have to walk away from the relationship. So you need to decide if these issues can be fixed or if these issues are fundamental dealbreakers for you. And remember, this is not about the ins and outs of the wedding day. This is about every day for the rest of your life.

What�s that joke�It�s not just a sock on the floor anymore, it�s a sock on the floor for the rest of your life. =)

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~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07

Re: I dont want to get married his (and his mom's) way: Posted: Nov 9, 2010 1:06 PM Go to message in response to: Gabs; When you guys agreed to be married, you agreed to compromise on EVERYTHING. Forever. Thats just how it works. he cannot expect you to bend over and give him (and his mom) his big-wedding dreams. but you also cannot expect him to completely bend over and give you your small-wedding dreams either.

With serious relationships and marriage there has to be compromise. There has to be a middle ground and it doesnt sound like either of you are willing to explore what that middle ground is for you both.

Compromise is the only way this is going to work, or one of you is going to end up pissed off for a long time about this. And you do not want your marriage to start off on that foot.

I'd sit down and think about your relationship too. This has probably happened in other areas and you just cannot let it keep happening or you're headed down a really bad path.

I am sure in every relationship there is probably someone who assumes the roll of shot caller, but in a healthy relationship the shot caller needs to take into consideration the other person's feelings on the subject.

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