Over it.

Online Users: 1,349 guest(s), 4 user(s). Replies: 20

HappyGoLucky Posts : 3 Registered: 10/31/10
Over it.
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 1:55 AM
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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Help please! Am I a Bridezilla or do I have a bad bridesmaid?
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 3:18 AM Go to message in response to: HappyGoLucky

First things first: you need to know that you broke wedding etiquette by asking your BM to pay for her hair to begin with. All of your BMs, actually. You see, if a bride insists that a BM have her hair done a certain way or at a certain place, it's her responsibility to pay for the BM in question. If you don't care what they do with their hair, you tell them so, and leave it to their discretion. You don't bully them into coming to the salon anyway when you've already given her the okay to go somewhere else.

Here's the biggest issue I've found with what you're saying: this girl is a student. If she's a full time student in a university, she's right. She may not have time to look through bridal mags with you like some of your other girlfriends may. She may have a really heavy workload, and if you think she should drop the ball on her education for a few months just because "I'm only getting married once", then you've got some twisted logic, sister. You say you've only seen her once a month for the last 10 months... But you didn't mention how often you used to see her before the engagement?

The long and short of it is this: Your bridesmaid did not overreact about the hair situation. You broke etiquette and asked an already financially-strapped student to pay $60 dollars on her own hair, at a salon you insisted everyone be at. When she tried to find her own solution, you said "fine", and then turned back around and demanded she come to the salon again instead, offering to pay for her hair, or at least the 20 dollar difference between the two salons. I would have been irritated too.

It's been said before, and I'll say it again: A bridesmaid's job is to stand there, in a designated dress, when you get married. She is not "supposed to" be all over the wedding planning. Some bridesmaids get really into it, others don't. So long as she gets there the day of, and is wearing that blue dress, she's done her job, and she's done it well.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Re: Help please! Am I a Bridezilla or do I have a bad bridesmaid?
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 6:44 AM Go to message in response to: VšnTillBruden

OP,

You seem like you're a nice person who just wants her friend to be as excited as you are about the same stuff. Thing is: she's most likely so bogged down with course work she can't be. I had a friend who got so worked up about her schooling, she put herself in the hospital several times over assignments. Did I ever expect her to gush over my plans? Nope. She couldn't handle gushing anyway. Whenever we hang out it's nothing more than a chance to hang out.

If I were you I'd try that approach and see what happens. She might feel better about the friendship then.

Life happens! I'm no longer WaitingForApril2010

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Help please! Am I a Bridezilla or do I have a bad bridesmaid?
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 9:03 AM Go to message in response to: HappyGoLucky

Dear SB,

She can only give you the time, money and attention she has to give you.

I agree with Van. You don't "require" a certain hairdo and then ask the bridesmaid to pay for it. If you require the hairdo, then you pay for it. Other than that, she can go to whatever stylist she wants.

My suggestion: Back off. She's doing the best she can juggling school and other commitments.

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KateLouise Posts : 40 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: Help please! Am I a Bridezilla or do I have a bad bridesmaid?
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 9:15 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I don't think you're a bridezilla, but I don't think she is a "bad" bridesmaid either. It sounds like you went above and beyond when you were a bridesmaid yourself (reading bridal magazines, choosing dresses, helping out with favors), which is great. But it's unrealistic to expect that of everyone else. I agree that the job of a bridesmaid is simply to turn up in the chosen dress and act nice. Anything else is a bonus and should not be expected, or you're setting yourself up to be disappointed. The fact that your other bridesmaids have been super-involved does not change that.

That said, it sounds like the mismatch in expectations has caused friction which may or may not be reversible. If it has gotten to the stage where you both feel uncomfortable around each other, quietly explain that you feel you have placed too much of a burden on her and suggest she come as a guest to just enjoy the day (and, obviously, refund any expenses she has paid out). If you feel you can still repair the friendship, take all the pressure off her and let her live her life.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Help please! Am I a Bridezilla or do I have a bad bridesmaid?
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 11:25 AM Go to message in response to: HappyGoLucky

I think you have unreasonable expectations of your BFFs involvement. You have been able to meet up with her once a month, granted briefly - but seriously what more do you want? Is she working while she's in school?

No one else will be as excited about your wedding as you. That's great that the other BMs are involved. It's sad that that's not enough for you.

When my best friend got engaged, I was in college 2 hours away. I was her MOH and I wasn't able to be there 24 - 7. She understood that. Another BM, also a college student, was also unable to be there, even for her shower. She understood that.

Have you bothered to call her or hang out with her to talk about anything BESIDES the wedding? A year and a half of nothing but your wedding would get old.

Also, I completely agree with the PPs who said you should be paying for your BMs to have their hair done. If you want them all done at the same salon, it is your responsibility to pay for it.

Now, it was right for you to go back and offer to pay for her (pay for her not the difference) but I also understand her frustration in you switching back and forth. Not to mention your wedding is over 6 months out and you're currently freaking out about the hair....

The different expectations you both have is creating a problem. It sounds like with everything she has going on, she figured that showing up and wearing the dress you picked out was going to be enough and it's not enough for you.

How have you been communicating? Texts? Emails? Phone calls?

I suggest that over winter break the two of you get together and have get together where you agree to NOT discuss the wedding. And I'm suggesting winter break because right now she's gearing up for her second big exams that go right into her finals.

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HappyGoLucky Posts : 3 Registered: 10/31/10
Re: Help please! Am I a Bridezilla or do I have a bad bridesmaid?
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 1:03 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

.

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MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Re: Help please! Am I a Bridezilla or do I have a bad bridesmaid?
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 1:36 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGoLucky

I'm starting to think you might be a bridezilla. Is it too early to say that?

And let me explain:
You jumped to having an attitude when we apparently didn't understand the situation after we attempted to offer you help. If you react like that normally in any other situation, I can see why someone would avoid you.

I don't mean to be mean. Just honest.

Edited by: MissApril on Oct 31, 2010 1:40 PM

Life happens! I'm no longer WaitingForApril2010

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Help please! Am I a Bridezilla or do I have a bad bridesmaid?
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 3:32 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGoLucky

Okay--you asked for responses, you got them, and now you're self-justifying. don't ask a group of strangers on a message board for comments if you don't want to hear them. Second, if you're a university graduate, you've heard about paragraphs, right?? If you want people to read your posts, especially the loooong ones, try making it easy for us by paragraphing.

As for your question, you DID break etiquette. It's nice that you tried to retract your first request and do the right thing. But, YOU made the first mistake. And what makes you think that your maids want to spend all day schlepping around in a limo and hanging out at the salon on YOUR wedding day. Most people have lives and other things to do. Your friends gets together with you about once a month? That sounds like plenty, considering that she's a full-time student and that when you want to get together, it's most often about YOU--dresses, planning, etc. Of course, this is all thrilling to YOU. But, it's not the center of everyone else's life. YOU chose to ask this friend to be in your wedding party--so, you have to take her as she is.

This is another of those posts that should serve as a warning to other brides. Don't ask friends way ahead of time to be in your party, and think carefully about who you ask and what is going on in their lives when you're doing your wedding planning. Six months out is more than enough time to ask people to stand up for you. Also, don't expect more than your friends can give to you. Buying a dress and showing up on time are the reasonable expectations. Everything else is extra.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Help please! Am I a Bridezilla or do I have a bad bridesmaid?
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 3:49 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGoLucky

You pop up for the first time on an anonymous board to go on about the BMs hair for you wedding that's over 6 months away calling yourself 'SadBride' - yes, you're freaking out, taking it too seriously, stressed or something.

Fine you don't think so - then why bother to come on here and ask us what we think.

And I don't care if you think it's OK because all of your other friends expected to have to pay - it's still WRONG. You want to schlepp them around the day of - YOUR choice to pay for the limo - how expensive it is doesn't matter. You want them to get their hair done at your salon - you pay for
it.

I'm so sorry we didn't all unanimously agree that your friend is horrible and there's no way your a bridezilla - Which, I don't think you are necessarily a bridezilla yet, but you are treading on thin grounds.

I had a cousin of mine in my wedding and she was finishing up college and then studying for her boards as my wedding was coming up - I simply let her know what dress (actually what color, her choice of dress), silver shoes and the date. I even told her if she couldn't make it for the rehearsal it was OK - She WAS/IS more important to me then any of the other BS.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Help please! Am I a Bridezilla or do I have a bad bridesmaid?
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 4:55 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGoLucky

I understand where you are coming from. You want your friend to be there early while u are getting your hair done and vice versa. You want pictures of that. You want your friend to get involved in every wedding event/decision you make. However the reality is that it's not going to happen. She has a life too and is busy with other things. Just because she doesn't seem interested in helping you out with wedding stuff doesnt mean that she doesn't care about your wedding.

About the hair situation. I wanted my bestfriend to be there with me but she couldn't afford to get her hair done with the ladies that I hired. At first I was kinda upset but the economy is making life miserable for everyone at the moment. So I understood and I had my other girls with me early in the morning. Not to sound mean but I honestly did not even miss her while I was getting my hair and make up done. I was way too busy to miss anyone that day lol. So maybe you won't miss her either and besides you have your other girls. Please understand that she has money problems and is trying her hardest to be a part of your special day.

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medicbride1 Posts : 7 Registered: 10/27/10
Re: Help please! Am I a Bridezilla or do I have a bad bridesmaid?
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 6:02 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGoLucky

I understand that u want to share this special day with your friends, but the truth is everyone has their own lives to live and can not drop everything to be at the brides every command. All of my BMs and MOH have children and work full time jobs so they are quite busy. I simply told them what color of dress to get, silver shoes and accessories, and let them do the rest. That way everyone get to find a dress they like and that fits in their budget, and I dont have to worry about finding a dress that pleases everyone. As for the hair, as long as they are at the ceramony site at the right time, they can go anywhere they want. They dont have to get their hair done with me, but they do have that option.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Help please! Am I a Bridezilla or do I have a bad bridesmaid?
Posted: Oct 31, 2010 11:03 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGoLucky

Great. No one took my side and so I'm going to throw a hissy fit and delete my post.

Typical.

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MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Re: Over it.
Posted: Nov 1, 2010 2:52 AM Go to message in response to: HappyGoLucky

Delete your posts and leave a link to a list that absolutely no full time student, pregnant woman or mother, friend with a chronic condition, or anyone else with a full plate should have to live up to.

No wonder your friend doesn't want to talk to you. You showed her this damn list and threw a hissy fit when she didn't like it.

Life happens! I'm no longer WaitingForApril2010

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Over it.
Posted: Nov 1, 2010 4:38 AM Go to message in response to: MissApril

Hahahahahahaha!

I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. I could smell the Knotzilla coming off her post when I first read it. I knew when I responded that it'd get her panties in a bunch (cause every bride should be coddled and soothed, saying it's her terrible friend's fault, and if we don't then we're terrible people too, right?) and seeing her edit her post to link to the Knot's ridonkulous list of expectations just made me crack up.

Well, to quote my wonderful mother: "Karma's a bitch." Treating her friend like a servant will come full circle. And it looks like it's already begun.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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