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to invite or not to invite?

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sequin Posts : 3 Registered: 10/22/10
to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 22, 2010 6:54 PM

Just looking for some opinions to weigh in on this:

I work at a larger company with about 200 employees. my immediate department has 5 other people working in tight quarters. I am planning to invite quite a few people from my company as well as my office mates.

The problem? One of my office mates is quite socially-inept and I would prefer to leave him off the invite list. To give you some examples of his behavior: he asks inappropriate personal questions; he offers too much personal information about himself (icky stuff); he makes little annoying noises while sitting at his desk; he asks for inappropriate favors; etc etc.

He and I don't have the worst relationship. I mostly just try to ignore him but he's no one I would consider a friend.

FWIW, my other office mates think I should not invite him. but I can't help but feeling bad for leaving him out. I'm having a pretty large wedding (200 invites) so I feel like I could just hide him in the group, but I would also just rather he not be there.

I feel awkward talking about my wedding when he is in the room. He does know when it is and asks the occasional question about the wedding. I'm planning on sending STDs soon. Help! Thanks!

invitation_ettiquette
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amyweewee1 Posts : 5 Registered: 10/22/10
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 22, 2010 8:02 PM Go to message in response to: sequin

I think the problem is that you have talked about the wedding so much publicly, that to not invite him would make it very awkward later. Being in an office in tight quarters is different from being outside of work and at a party. Your co-workes don't have to socialize with him, so I don't think their opinion should influence you.

Technically, you can invite or not invite whomever you want to your wedding, so the choice is yours. I just don't know what it would be like at the office when you came back from your honeymoon: awkward......!

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 22, 2010 8:10 PM Go to message in response to: sequin

"I feel awkward talking about my wedding when he is in the room."

The less you talk about your wedding at work, the better. Work is work, and personal life is personal life. It is perfectly OK to invite whomever you want, and not to invite whomever you want. But, when YOU bring your wedding into the workplace, then you have only yourself to blame for any awkwardness that has been created.

It is usual to invite those people with whom you actually socialize--outside of work. Sometimes, you invite the boss or department head. If you feel close to those in your department and wish to invite them, great, do so. In deciding whether or not to invite him, think about the future--the day you return to work after the wedding. What will be the effect of leaving him out? It sounds as if that will be mighty uncomfortable. I think you're right--you can hide him in the crowd--other than saying "Hello," and "Thanks for Coming," there's not much contact that you need to have with him. If he makes your co-workers uncomfortable and you're having assigned seating, consider seating him somewhere else. But, beyond that, whether or not you invite him is YOUR business, not theirs. If I were you, I'd shut down wedding discussions at the office ASAP.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 22, 2010 8:11 PM Go to message in response to: sequin

Dear Sequin,

Has anyone called him out on his inappropriate questions and sharing of personal info?

Has he ignored those requests?

If so, then that would be firm grounds to exclude him from the wedding invitation list.

"I have asked you not to ask inappropriate questions and you continue to do so. I do not want that stress on my wedding day, so that is the reason we have decided to omit you from the guest list."

If he has not been asked to cease with the uncomfortable stuff, then now might be a time to start.

"I am not comfortable with many of the questions you ask and am not comfortable with your sharing personal details. It is for that reason that I am very hesitant to include in you our guest list. We will not be finalizing the list for some time. I do not want to be uncomfortable with you at the wedding, and do not want to subject my other guests to your misbehavior. I'm asking you, once, politely, to knock it off. If you cannot respect boundaries, then I will be unable to include you in our wedding guest list."

Then, watch and see if he changes his behavior.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 22, 2010 8:11 PM Go to message in response to: amyweewee1

I'm actually with Amy on this one. You've already talked about it a lot at work.

You could stop talking about it and just get HOME addresses from those who you are inviting and ask them to not ask you about the wedding at work.

You could offer to go out to lunch or for drinks after work to talk about the wedding - but you have to STOP talking about it at work.

The other option is to invite him and tough luck. With such a large wedding, it won't be an issue for you. And tough luck for your other co-workers.

Also, you may want to not send STDs to co-workers. Or at all. If he leaves the job, you're still obligated to invite him. But maybe you could get out of it that way.

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 22, 2010 8:12 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Dear Myra,

" and you're having assigned seating, consider seating him somewhere else."

I agree with everything except the part quoted above. Wouldn't he also be a pest to the other guests with whom he is seated?

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 22, 2010 8:20 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Oh gees, Myra, AOTB and I all replied at the same time. LOL

 

 

 

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KateLouise Posts : 40 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 23, 2010 4:33 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I would only invite those with whom you socialise outside work. Out of sensitivity to your uninvited co-worker, I would then stop talking about the wedding at work and quietly ask others to do the same.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 23, 2010 1:38 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Maybe. I don't think we really know just how awkward or pesky he really is. And, if he's seated with strangers, the situation might be different from the one at work. If it's like most weddings, with a loud band and a ten-person round table, nobody will be able to talk anyway LOL!!

I'm certainly NOT advocating inviting a totally socially inept person. But since the OP sounds like she's feeling pressure to invite him and is worried about the awkwardness of not doing so, I suggested separating him from the people who he's made uncomfortable. I fully support her right not to invite him at all--but she doesn't seem comfortable with that.

I reiterate, if YOU bring your wedding and personal life into the workplace, then YOU have to live with the consequences. It's better to keep the two areas of your life separate, as much as possible.

And, if this guy is really, really inappopriate, then he should be reported to a supervisor or HR. If he's just socially inept, then a few well-chosen remarks should be enough to stop him in his tracks.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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sequin Posts : 3 Registered: 10/22/10
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 25, 2010 11:48 AM Go to message in response to: myras

Wow, thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses.

I haven't been yapping about the wedding in my office as much as I let on in my original post but I will try to tone it down even more. We have a pretty tight bunch here so it would very strange and counter to our culture for me to not mention that I am engaged and getting married. I try to keep the details as mum and possible, and really try not to speak about the wedding when annoying co-worker is around but he still does know that I'm getting married and around what time of year.

As far as the larger issue of allowing this behavior in our office, we have begged and pleaded for him to be moved or be seriously reprimanded to no avail. And we do confront his anti-social behavior directly (ie, "no, I will not look at a picture of your wife's stitches"; "no, I will not help you put your hair in a pony tail- your personal grooming is your business.")

For now he's off the invite list. The idea of him being around all my family and friends just creeps me out. I'm going to just try to approach whatever decision I make with confidence, and accept the consequences.

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KateLouise Posts : 40 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 25, 2010 12:45 PM Go to message in response to: sequin

For what it's worth, I agree with your decision.

I strongly dislike the idea of obligation invitations (either giving or receiving them). If you don't want someone there, don't invite them. Just be as sensitive and tactful as you can about it.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 25, 2010 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: sequin

Dear Sequin,

"As far as the larger issue of allowing this behavior in our office, we have begged and pleaded for him to be moved or be seriously reprimanded to no avail."

Ugh.

I totally agree with not inviting him at all, and if he asks about it just tell him directly that you are not comfortable with his behavior in the office and would not be comfortable with that same behavior at your wedding.

Let him know that there are consequences for his actions. He may be able to get away with it at work, due to poor management or indifferent HR, but you are under no obligation to accommodate him at a purely social event where you are the host.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 25, 2010 1:32 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I want to suggest that you also table the issue for a bit.

You mentioned that you are addressing this now because you are sending STDs. I think STDs are not a necessity, but if you do wish to send them out, consider sending them to a limited number of people which would exclude your work colleagues altogether (i.e., your closest friends and family that you would be truly disappointed if they do not come.) This frees you up a bit in case you have to make last minute changes to your guest list later, which can often happen.

I share the opinion that you don't have to invite him at all, but I also think you can wait a bit before giving a final answer on that.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 25, 2010 7:55 PM Go to message in response to: sequin

"no, I will not look at a picture of your wife's stitches"; "no, I will not help you put your hair in a pony tail- your personal grooming is your business."

YECH!! I see your point! It's awful that HR is not dealing with this creep.

Good for you for making a firm decision. I second the advice of not sending STD's to your office mates. They already know when the wedding will take place, and they do not need to make travel/lodging arrangements way ahead of time (which is the real purpose of sending STD's at all). So, you can limit them to close family/friends out of town. For the rest, sending an invite 6-8 weeks ahead of time gives most people plenty of time to clear their social calendars.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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WellWisher Posts : 175 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: to invite or not to invite?
Posted: Oct 25, 2010 9:01 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

"As far as the larger issue of allowing this behavior in our office, we have begged and pleaded for him to be moved or be seriously reprimanded to no avail."

This man's requests seem very strange. Could it be that he has some kind of anti-social disorder? Asking you to look at grotesque pictures and do his hair are flags. Maybe you could ask your HR rep this, and ask if he could somehow get some counseling. It's amazing how many people with legitimate disorders lead dysfunctional lives because they never receive the help they need. You don't need to invite this man to your wedding, but it doesn't sound like he's just "weird," it sounds like he needs some professional help (Or perhaps your HR rep knows something you don't).

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