Asking parents

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Asking parents
Posted: Oct 14, 2010 4:22 PM Go to message in response to: ashleysomer

Wouldn't have won points with my parents. My Mom would have thought he was crazy and told him that he needed to ask me as it was my decision and my Dad would have agreed.

So you have to consider the parents.

And personally, I would have thought twice before marrying someone who knew me so little as to ask my parents - so that's also what needs to be considered.

Since she's asking the ?, her parents might appreciate it - but it's wrong to assume that every parent (or bride to be) would LOVE it.

 

 

 

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KCI Posts : 150 Registered: 3/30/09
Re: Asking parents
Posted: Oct 14, 2010 10:59 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I've had this discussion with my boyfriend and his decision is that he is going to talk to my parents, but there will be no asking for permission. He believes it is polite, and I've always been a "daddy's girl" so this is something my dad would like. But as I said, he is not asking for permission - he will be telling them his plans and asking for their blessing.

Now I know they would never say no, but if there's no question then no isn't even a possible answer.

I haven't been dependent on my parents for over 4 years, so to ask for permission would somewhat undermine my ability to make decisions as an adult.

My best friend's now husband did the same as my bf plans to. He talked to her parents, told them what his intentions were, asked for their blessing. If your parents are the type that would like your bf to talk to them, then suggest it to him. But let him know he doesn't have to ask for permission.

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asiabride Posts : 9 Registered: 7/15/10
Re: Asking parents
Posted: Oct 18, 2010 9:27 PM Go to message in response to: KCI

I think it depends on how you look at it. It can be viewed as a Fiddler on the Roof "I don't know if we can get married or not until I get my parents answer" situation, which is what some people are thinking of when they call it ridiculous.

Then again, you can look at it as one of the many traditions that are attached to weddings. If you think about it, we have other traditions that could be called outdated, or even strange, if taken too literally (when asked "if anyone has any objections may they speak now or forever hold their peace"...do we really expect anyone to answer? If they did, would we stop the wedding?) How about having your father walk you down the ailse? You're your own person, so do you really need to be "given away"?

My fiance didn't ask my parents. Actually, the way it worked out with us, we got engaged before he and my parents were even able to meet. But if someone wants to ask as a formality, a way to show respect to the parents, I don't see anything silly or outdated about it at all.

Edited by: asiabride on Oct 18, 2010 9:30 PM

Edited by: asiabride on Oct 18, 2010 9:30 PM

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krys13 Posts : 6 Registered: 10/10/10
Re: Asking parents
Posted: Oct 18, 2010 9:34 PM Go to message in response to: PrincessEnglish

Dear PrincessEnglish,

fear not for i am in the same situation as you.
the only difference is, is that i am a college freshman and my FH is a college junior right now. I feel the whole asking my parent thing is outdated too. I have talked with my mom about me and my fh getting married and she is totally cool with it. On the other hand i dont know what to do about my dad, see me and my fh tlkd about getting engaged by this coming summer and waiting til summer of '13 to get married; the only problem is, my dad told me and my fh that he wanted me to wait like 5-10 yrs to get married bcuz he wanted to b able to buy stuff still while he is young ( parents are divorced and dad is 36) so i dont know if my fh should ask my dad or not. my dad has told me that he loves my fh and that he's happy that i am happy...what to do??? any suggestions for me?

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BostonBeauty Posts : 2 Registered: 10/15/10
Re: Asking parents
Posted: Oct 19, 2010 1:51 PM Go to message in response to: PrincessEnglish

I come from a very liberal, open minded family and yet I expect my future husband to ask my father to marry me. I'm a bit of a Daddy's girl and my father has always been strict with me because I'm his little girl. That being said, I find this tradition comforting. It's not about my father approving or not, because if I'm considering engagement, I should already know he approves of the man I'm with. I just think it's courtesy to ask the father, because it's his little girl, you know? Call me old fashioned, but I still think it's nice.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Asking parents
Posted: Oct 19, 2010 7:28 PM Go to message in response to: BostonBeauty

my parents are quite conservative.

I am not.

My DH sat down with my parents and told them his plan. My dad was offended he didn't ask for permission. I don't give a rip that my dad was offended.

My parents didn't pay for the wedding. I didn't ask them to.

My parents were asked for their blessing at our wedding, but they did not "give this bride". (That is about the only thing my minister said Unitarians did NOT do at their weddings, other than that, we apparently have no required elements.) My parents were a bit offended that my dad did not get the line of "her mother and I do" at the prompt of "who gives this bride." They got to answer "we do" when asked if they would support the union. Mom told me dad was hurt he didn't get to give me away. I told her, he already had given me away. (I'm divorced.) She said "yeah, but that didn't take!" To which I replied "that does not mean you got me back. I am my own person, and I give myself to the marriage--not you."

(Yes, we have some very conflicting ideas in my family.)

But my point is: regardless of how your parents feel about being asked for permission, it is more important how YOU feel about your parents being asked. If it is something you want your future FH to do, then he should. If it is not, then he should not. That does not mean he should not have a sit down with the family and let them know his intentions. MY DH wanted my parents to know when he was proposing, so they could be there if they wanted to be. But he did NOT ask them if he could ask me.

That, quite frankly, is not their business.

Misty

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KCI Posts : 150 Registered: 3/30/09
Re: Asking parents
Posted: Oct 19, 2010 11:53 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

There will definitely not be a "giving away" of the bride at my wedding. My dad will walk me down the aisle because I love my dad and want him there with me. And because I've grown up a daddy's girl and I know he would love to do it.

But he will not be asked "who is giving this woman to this man" (or whatever). No way. I am my own person and will be making my own adult decision.

This is the same as with the proposal. My bf will not ask for permission - he will be telling my parents his plans.

I am an adult. No one owns me. I do with my life what I choose.

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MVanTull1 Posts : 1 Registered: 10/17/10
Re: Asking parents
Posted: Oct 20, 2010 4:16 AM Go to message in response to: PrincessEnglish

I like you have been talking with my boyfriend about asking my parents for my hand in marriage. We are both in our mid thirties and a little sentimental. He wants to do it out of respect. I told him that either way, we will be getting married. My parents know me well and they know that I make good choices when it comes to my life. My family really likes him and I know that they would say yes. So it is up to you to make that final decision. If only for sentimental reasons, I say do it. I hope that you make the right decision for you and only you. Don't let others pressure you either way. Good Luck with your decision.

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PrincessEnglish Posts : 13 Registered: 9/24/10
Re: Asking parents
Posted: Oct 26, 2010 11:05 AM Go to message in response to: MVanTull1

Wow, I haven't been on here in a while and I didn't realize that more people got into the conversation.

Anyway, I just thought I'd let you guys know what my boyfriend and I decided. We decided that he should ask for my parents' blessing, but not their permission. I think this is a good compromise so that we are still partaking in the tradition somewhat.

The only thing that ever held me back was the fact that I am still financially dependent on them for college. However, college is the only thing they are paying for and they have made it beyond crystal clear that the financial support ends when that diploma is in my hands (which is soon!). After that, I will be paying for my graduate schooling on my own. Also, should I choose to live at home, I would have to pay rent.

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HamzicBride Posts : 178 Registered: 12/28/09
Re: Asking parents
Posted: Oct 26, 2010 12:12 PM Go to message in response to: PrincessEnglish

It's such a personal thing now are days. When it comes down to it, I dont know of any parent who has ever said no. I know we asked permission to my dad, weeks before he passed away, more because we wanted him to be asked. We knew he would say yes and we knew it didn't change the ending of this, but we wanted to give him that.

We are also going to ask my mom, but again because we are old fashioned and want to give them that. It's something he appreciated and something my mom I know will love.

As posted above, is this going to make a difference to you both if the answer is not what you are expecting? probably not, and if it does, you need to review your relationship anyways. If you want to be old fashioned and you think it would mean something to your parents, then go for it.


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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Asking parents
Posted: Oct 26, 2010 12:21 PM Go to message in response to: PrincessEnglish

PE - I'm glad you found a solution that works for the two of you and your relationship.

 

 

 

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JenniferWillson Posts : 70 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Asking parents
Posted: Sep 12, 2012 9:42 AM Go to message in response to: PrincessEnglish

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