Appropriate boundaries question

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MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Appropriate boundaries question
Posted: Oct 14, 2010 10:53 AM

A little background... FH and I live in a property that his parents own. And believe me, I am so incredibly grateful for it. Without them we'd almost surely be on the street. They don't expect much rent and will fix any problems out of their own pocket (like flea treatments and a new hot water heater).

But I'm not exactly comfortable with them just showing up unannounced. FH has a DUI he's dealing with, which means I work odd hours to be able to get him to work and back. Normally I would work 7-3. But with him working afternoon shifts, I need to get off early to take him to work. Then I go back to the work and finish out my 8 hours. Then I travel all the way back out to pick him up and go home. Any overtime is done at night. Yesterday FMIL showed up at the house without calling and called me to complain about how she found nachos on my bed. Uh... I know landlords can view property on occasion to make sure tenants aren't trashing it... But does it matter to her if I eat nachos in bed?

I dunno. That just weirded me out. And with all I do and put up with, that just pissed me off. So... How the heck do I tell her I'd like her to at the very least call first? Considering that she saved our asses, can we even set that boundary? Or am I just tired and overreacting?

Life happens! I'm no longer WaitingForApril2010

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Appropriate boundaries question
Posted: Oct 14, 2010 12:39 PM Go to message in response to: MissApril

Dear Miss A,

" Considering that she saved our asses, can we even set that boundary? "

This is not a traditional landlord-tenant question.

You cannot just start saying stuff like "Under LL/tenant law, you are required to give me 24 hours notice..."

They are likely to reply "In that case, we will expect full market rent and will evict you if you are more than 3 days late, in accordance with LL/tenant law".

Nope, don't go there.

I have to take the parents' side on this one. I actually am good friends with some parents who are doing exactly the same thing your in-laws are doing. They own a small house, and are letting their adult daughter and her two children live there for almost no rent.

My friends do the same things as your in-laws. They go over there whenever they feel like it. Why? Because they don't want their daughter to get too comfortable with the situation. They really want her to earn enough money to get out and get her own place, so they can either sell the house or rent it at market rent prices to someone else.

The daughter complains all the time about her parents dropping in at any time of the day or night, whether or not she is at home or not. They have their own key and just let themselves in. The parents' attitude is "Tough. Don't like it? Move."

I am not saying that your in-laws have the same point of view. However, your life is now rough because of the DUI. Your husband made the decision to drink and drive. He has to face the consequences, and unfortunately, so do you. One of those consequences is a huge amount of inconvenience and associated costs.

Had he made the decision to not drink and drive, you might be in your own place by now.

Sorry to be so harsh, and I know it's tough for you, but my best advice is to just suck it up and do your darndest to get your own place.

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Appropriate boundaries question
Posted: Oct 14, 2010 1:53 PM Go to message in response to: MissApril

I hate when people show up unannounced, but in this case, I am on your FIL's side. Since this isn't a traditional landlord tenant relationship, you can't expect the same courtesy another landlord would give you.

I understand the frustration since you are doing a lot to help out your fiance, but, no offense, it's not his parents' fault that he got in trouble for DUI. It's not right to be short tempered with them for stress they didn't cause.

Lastly, I am in 100% agreement with FMIL about the nachos. It's none of her business if you ate them in bed. But you left them there. If a pest problem arises because food is being left out, they will be the ones to pay for the exterminator, not you. I don't blame her for saying something.

Yes, it's annoying, but I don't think there is a while lot you can do in the situation.

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MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Re: Appropriate boundaries question
Posted: Oct 14, 2010 11:18 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

Thanks for all the replys. Things were alot more clear for me after a long nap. I worked 2 24-hour shifts in a row with only 3 hours sleep in between, so everything kinda got to me.

I talked to her about calling my work phone over a non emergency, as that could get me in huge trouble. Otherwise, I just gotta get on FH to pick up our messes before I pick him up. The agreement is that if I'm working so damn hard, he's gotta keep the house up. I have fibromyalgia and simply can't do it right now. Being so sleep deprived kinda blurred who I was suppossed to be frustrated with.

Again, thanks everyone for your input. I do appreciate it.

Life happens! I'm no longer WaitingForApril2010

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Appropriate boundaries question
Posted: Oct 15, 2010 10:55 AM Go to message in response to: MissApril

Dear Miss April,

Yeah, just suck it up for a while. Save your money and look forward to the day when you have your own place.

Just think. You will appreciate your own house ALL THE MORE from having lived in your in-laws house!

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Kimberly212 Posts : 972 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Appropriate boundaries question
Posted: Sep 20, 2012 8:06 AM Go to message in response to: MissApril

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