Am I being unreasonable?

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TayH Posts : 1 Registered: 9/2/10
Am I being unreasonable?
Posted: Sep 17, 2010 5:32 PM

About two months go my boyfriend and I went and picked out an engagement ring with the plan being that he would propose by the end of the year. I was hoping that the proposal would be sooner rather than later during that time frame, but with the hints he's dropping, it looks like he's planning for right around Christmas and both of our birthdays (we're both December babies :) ) when both of our families are together for the holidays.

Once I figured this out I was pretty disappointed. First, not only do I want our engagement to be with just us, I am the baby of the family and the way my father reacted when my sister got engaged (like someone was ripping his child away from him) I can only imagine his reaction with mine. I feel like it's going to put a damper on the whole thing. My father being upset isn't exactly the memory I want to have when I think about getting engaged.

Second, after talking with several friends and thinking about this myself, if we get engaged during Christmas when so many other people get engaged, I'm afraid that every venue that we might be interested in will be booked. We wanted to get married in September or October of next year, and in Southern California, these are the two most popular months. I brought this up to my boyfriend. His response was to not worry, if we had to push our wedding back till the following March or April, then no biggie.

But here's the kicker. We are planning on moving to Phoenix in March 2012 (just too expensive in SoCal!). I will have to start looking for a new job several months before that and if I happen to find one say in January, I'll have to move two months before we planned, leaving him and my wedding behind in California. To boot, I will be applying for business school in Arizona as well. He seems to think it's perfectly acceptable to have me plan a wedding, find a job, move, and apply to business school all at the same time. My viewpoint is I'd rather enjoy planning my wedding, get married, have a few months for us to spend together married, and then get into the moving/job hunting/school applying frenzy.

I know I'm working on a hypothetical situation (I'm a planner. I can't help it!), but it really leaves me unsettled. During our conversation I asked him if he would consider pushing up our engagement by say the middle of November, before the holidays, so that we can snag a venue right then (We both believe in not doing any planning until after the engagement. Just seems to jinx things.) He got very upset with me, told me I "changed the rules on him", and called me selfish.

I guess I just can't see how I'm being selfish by asking him to push up an engagement by six weeks in order to have a better chance at having our fall wedding and not being frazzled with so many big life changes all at once. I mean this is a done deal, the ring it bought, he will propose, so whats the big deal with a little sooner?

So my question is, am I being selfish by wanting to get engaged sooner in order to secure a fall wedding and to actually enjoy my engagement without ruining Christmas with my father being upset?

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SarahSarah Posts : 93 Registered: 10/9/09
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
Posted: Sep 17, 2010 5:50 PM Go to message in response to: TayH

So you guys went together and bought the ring, you know you are getting married, but you're waiting for him to propose? Why does he need to propose? You WENT with him to buy the ring!

I'm sorry, that makes no sense. You guys have been engaged for two months already the way I look at it. I would be planning right now, go snag a venue for Pete's sake!

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
Posted: Sep 17, 2010 7:01 PM Go to message in response to: TayH

No, you're not being unreasonable.

You're not asking him to speed it up because you're impatient. You're giving him valid concerns...moving, venue issues, etc. He has no problem with moving the date of the wedding, but you even have legitimate reasons for not really wanting to move the date.

Honestly, you've spoken to him...communciated with him.

There is room for some compromise:

Issue 1. Proposal Timing/Attendees:
You do not want the proposal to be a family thing...you want it to be a you two thing, and then you guys make an announcement. (He wants the family thing... my guess at his reason: he wants the ring to be your Christmas present.)
a) you also want to keep it private because you know your family a lot better than he does.
b) tell him if he wants to do a Christmas proposal, you still want it private -- that means he should take you out at sometime near Christmas, just the two of you, and propose. You do not want to be proposed to Christmas morning with the family around.

This is allowing him to keep his time table, but also giving you the private proposal you want.

Issue 2: Planning
You have some very valid issues regarding your time line. Sarah also pointed out something: you guys have basically agreed that you want to get married (you've set a time of year for the ceremony and you've bought a ring). Yes, you want the formal proposal. However, you're engaged. You've agreed you want to get married and that is really all that is needed.
a) you're concerned about venues. Guys do not get this. They do not realize that these shindigs DO take a bit of time to get all put together. What he's not realizing by his setting his clock at December, is that he's taking 3 months off of YOUR clock.

Compromise:
1. Start planning now. He can keep to his time line.
a) look at venues.
b) meet with vendors.
c) Pick a date for the wedding... and start putting down deposits

2. Do not buy your dress or try any on until you are formally engaged. It gives you something MAJOR to look forward to

You both get what you want. You have your planning bug working out and you'll get your September wedding.

But do let him know that if he wants to wait until Christmas, that is fine...but the planning starts now.

Misty

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
Posted: Sep 17, 2010 7:06 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

I agree with Cat.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
Posted: Sep 17, 2010 8:00 PM Go to message in response to: TayH

dear Tay,

Call three or four venues that you find attractive, and ask for their sales and catering manager. Do this when you are alone, away from your boyfriend.

Ask each person the approximate timetable for reserving space.

You may be borrowing trouble.

" I'm afraid that every venue that we might be interested in will be booked."

They might and they might not. Call and talk to someone who can tell you for sure. If you find out that they all do, indeed, book solid 9 months in advance, then you can approach your boyfriend with actual evidence, not just your own guesswork.

You might find out that (for example) August is not so busy, and they offer discounts for that month. If that's the case, that might work with a December proposal.

Finally: My own wedding was planned in 4 months. I got married in my parents' backyard, so no "venue availability" problems, but it is possible to plan a really nice wedding in a short amount of time.

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HamzicBride Posts : 178 Registered: 12/28/09
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
Posted: Sep 19, 2010 8:28 PM Go to message in response to: TayH

I don't understand what the big deal is about the venue. If that's your worry then book the venue before you guys get engaged. Why do you need to be engaged to then book?!

Your thread just sounds like you're making up reasons to get engaged sooner.

This is your boyfriend's moment. It's one of the only times that your man is going to be able to plan something for you, and make a day special for you. Why are you trying so hard to control when you want to get engaged?

Let it be! book the venue in november and deal with it. Don't wreck this for yourself, and don't wreck this for your boyfriend. Let him plan this.


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wishingandhoping1 Posts : 9 Registered: 9/4/10
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
Posted: Sep 20, 2010 2:59 PM Go to message in response to: TayH

Guys just don't seem to get it. My boyfriend doesn't seem to understand this whole concept of timing and that it takes a lot of effort and time to put together a whole wedding. He thinks its possible to get engaged one day and married the next.

I don't think you are being selfish but I think guys have a totally different mindset about planning weddings...

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yaktrekker Posts : 9 Registered: 8/28/08
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
Posted: Sep 27, 2010 9:16 AM Go to message in response to: TayH

I totally get ALL of your reasons for wanting to control the circumstances surrounding your engagement. But I'd like to share something my boyfriend explained to me: He said that he felt like the experience was ruined for him when I was trying to rush things.

And he really wasn't being mean, he went on to say that the romance had been sort of sucked away because I wasn't trusting him to propose in exactly the right way and at the right time for him. He wanted a chance to do the romantic thing for me but I kept pushing and prodding and so if it did happen at that point, it would have been sort of forced.

It was really hard for me to let go of the timing I thought I wanted, but I think I'm going to be so much happier knowing that when he does propose he's going to be really ready and really into it. I hate the thought of him doing something just because I demanded it or whined about it until I got it. I want to have a ring on my finger because he genuinely wants to marry me and make me happy...and not a moment before he's ready and comfortable with it.

I know you have some valid reasons for wanting things to go faster and I know your man already has the ring. But maybe consider letting him do it his way. Hopefully he's only going to propose once in his life and, believe it or not, I think men have ideas in their minds about how they want their engagement to be just as much as we do. You're going to get the wedding of your dreams, so maybe he can plan the engagement of his dreams and that could be ok. Just a thought... Good luck to you, however it goes!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
Posted: Sep 27, 2010 10:45 AM Go to message in response to: wishingandhoping1

Dear Wish,

" He thinks its possible to get engaged one day and married the next."

He's right. Some jurisdictions have a waiting period of four or five days between applying for a marriage license and getting it, but he is essentially right.

In Nevada, you get a marriage license right away and get married immediately.

It's his wedding, too, remember. If that is what he wants, then consider his feelings as much as you consider your own.

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wishingandhoping1 Posts : 9 Registered: 9/4/10
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
Posted: Sep 27, 2010 3:15 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Okay let me re-phrase myself...

He thinks it is possible to get engaged one day and have the entire wedding planned and paid for the next.

Obviously it is possible to be married the next...

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
Posted: Sep 27, 2010 4:45 PM Go to message in response to: TayH

I dont get why you can't go to a venue and book it now for next fall. Fall is the most popular time of year these days. Just book it now. No one needs to know but you and him. And when you finally get engaged, then you can tell people the date--if thats the concern. I actually know quite a few people who did this and no one thought anything. And I agree with whoever said you are alreasdy technically engaged. This is why I do NOT agree with going with the boyfriend to pick out/buy the ring. It just adds more frustration!

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swichwang34 Posts : 657 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Am I being unreasonable?
Posted: Sep 16, 2012 1:32 PM Go to message in response to: TayH

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