his ex-fiancee's diamond in my ring

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mrsj2011 Posts : 31 Registered: 10/21/08
his ex-fiancee's diamond in my ring
Posted: Sep 21, 2010 7:23 AM

I need some opinions on this issue. My Fiancť had been previously engaged before meeting me. They had called it off. We have been engaged for a few months now and this has always been at the back of my mind but didnít want to know/say something. I am 99.9% sure that the diamond he had picked out for his ex-fiancťe is the one that is in the ring he gave me.

Here is why I think this about the time he had gotten the ring, I know his finances were a little more on the tight side because of a lay off that had happened about a month before and they were not offering any OT. But at the time I didnít want to think it was and just said Iím sure he saved for it or something maybe the money back from taxes. Also when we were first getting together he had gone to the jewelry store to return it and they wouldnít take it back, he said he was going to sell it on e-bay but then the subject just got dropped. I never said anything because at that point it wasnít any of my business what he did with it. Well then this weekend we were doing some cleaning and I came across her ring box and I tried not to do it but I looked in it to see if it was in there and the diamond wasnít in that ring, which is what has made me think about it even more.

I am trying to make a big deal but at the same time here are my feelings. I canít look at my ring the same now because I remember him telling me how much he worked OT to save up for the ring for her and how he had to make sure it was great clarity, color and shine. I guess Iím not so thrilled on the ideal that the diamond I have is what he had picked out for someone else and not for me. I am having all mixed feelings.

I know with the money situation he has been having he hasnít had much extra which is why I am thinking he did it because maybe in his mind he already paid for it and I know he really wanted to get engaged and he probably thought to use that diamond since he may not had been able to afford me a new diamond at that time.

Now my delima is what do I do. Do I suck it up and not say anything to him about it? Or how do I go about bringing it up to him? I donít want to hurt his feelings but at the same time I am also thinking about mine. Sorry itís kind of long.

Edited by: mrsj2011 on Sep 21, 2010 8:06 AM

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: his ex-fiancee's diamond in my ring
Posted: Sep 21, 2010 9:30 AM Go to message in response to: mrsj2011

Dear Mrs J,

You have the perfect right to have the feelings you have.

Sure, you would be happier if he could have returned the diamond and gotten you a new one. I'd like to bet that he'd be happier with that, too. I'd further like to bet he wishes the economy would pick up so he doesn't have to go to bed every night worrying about a layoff and lack of overtime.

So, what do you do now? I like the suggestion of approaching a jeweler for an even trade, however jewelers are in a for-profit business. They buy wholesale and sell retail. If you simply trade one diamond for another, you are likely to get a smaller diamond in return.

Is it worth it to you to have a smaller diamond that was not bought for a former fiancťe? Or can you learn to live with a larger diamond that has this "history"?

Finally, many diamonds are taken from one piece of jewelry and put in another. The diamond you have now may have originated in an estate sale. The jeweler bought it wholesale from the estate sale, then reset it. In other words, the diamond could have been owned and worn by other women in the past. Maybe imagining the really GREAT women who have possessed it before you might help. There's a lot of "history" to the diamond besides the former fiancťe.

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mrsj2011 Posts : 31 Registered: 10/21/08
Re: his ex-fiancee's diamond in my ring
Posted: Sep 21, 2010 9:46 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Yes sorry the post is a little confusing.

I know he is constantly worrying about being laid off anymore because that is how it has been at his work on and off the past few months.

He had worked the OT and saved before for the initial ring. Now they arenít offering OT so itís been harder for him to save as much, which is why I first thought he used the old diamond. He never lied to me about that part.

I want to be practical about it which is why I had never said anything before about it but I guess there is that romantic part of me that it is a little upsetting.

As far as the jewelers he had mentioned that they said he can trade the diamond in for an upgrade to a larger one but that you have to pay at least the amount you paid for the first one. If I explained that right. I donít think they will allow you to do an even trade. I would have to ask him what all the jewelry said to him, I wasnít there and didnít ask much because at that time it wasnít my business.

Thanks Aunt of the Bride about the ďhistoryĒ of maybe someone great wore it before. It gave me a good laugh of who it could have been. I think itís the exact person history that I know of. Even after the ex knew we were together and had even moved in together she would still call him, or even worse write his little sister bad letters about him. He did tell her she was no longer allowed to make any contact with him or his family, and everyone blocked her (they didnít like her anyways). I think it comes down to it was hers first and then I also wonder if when he looks at it if he ever thinks of her?

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: his ex-fiancee's diamond in my ring
Posted: Sep 21, 2010 10:59 AM Go to message in response to: mrsj2011

Ah, sorry that I misinterpreted. I was thinking that he had mislead you and that would be worrisome.

You know, yes he may have bought it for her, but if he did use the same diamond then he AT LEAST had the foresight to change the setting.

And there is something to be said about starting out your life together within the means that you both can afford.

I VERY HIGHLY doubt that he'll see the ring and think of her - honestly, that's a very female thing while a guy would be like - dude, you're the one wearing it, who else would I be reminded of? LOL

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: his ex-fiancee's diamond in my ring
Posted: Sep 22, 2010 8:09 PM Go to message in response to: mrsj2011

I understand the "romantic" part, but I'm practical. In my mind, it's just a stone. The re-setting and the fact that he gave this ring to YOU is the important part. YOU have his heart (and a nice, high-quality diamond to show for it). SHE has nothing.

My DH inherited a large, gorgeous diamond from his late mother (his father was a jeweler). He had it reset for me as my engagement ring. I realize that the circumstances are somewhat different, but I never looked at my ring and thought about anyone else wearing it. The stone was magnificent, and it was MINE.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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