Fiance wants no bridesmaids.

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SarahSarah Posts : 93 Registered: 10/9/09
Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 8, 2010 5:23 PM

I'm not sure how to handle this.

The other week my fiance told me there was no point in having BM/GM's, because we are 'not walking down any aisle and we are just having a reception'. The problem is I have already asked my 3 good friends to be BM's. He has asked no one. Our two kids are also excited about getting nice dresses and being my 'junior bridesmaids'.

My arguement is that I have already asked my friends, and that they have all stated it's no big deal that we are not having a ceremony, and they are OK with buying dresses and doing the whole BM thing for a reception only.

His arguement is that since we are going non-traditional, why do I want to do something traditional in the first place? He seems to think there is no point in having them, because "all they do is walk down an aisle", so of course we wouldn't need them!

I feel that if we have no BM/GM, then we might as well not have our girls dress up nicely in dresses, and our mothers as well. Hell, why should I even wear a white dress, since I'll look completly out of place! Maybe I'll just throw on my good jeans and call it a deal!

I just don't have good enough justification for him. I'm wanting a few traditional things that I've cherry picked for no reason at all, and he is wanting a more 'bare bones' deal, if that makes sense.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 8, 2010 5:30 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

Dear Sarah,

Traditional Proper Etiquette more or less breaks down when talking about interactions between a husband and wife. You two know each other well enough to marry each other, thus, you should be able to negotiate wedding attendants or lack of thereof.

There's no real compromise between

1. Susie being a bridesmaid
2. Susie being a guest

She can't be a "half bridesmaid, half guest".

So, think about it. Who feels stronger about the subject, you or him? What are you willing to give up should he give in about the bridesmaids, or vice versa?

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SarahSarah Posts : 93 Registered: 10/9/09
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 8, 2010 5:30 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

I think the reason I'm so upset about it is because I am trying to make this as casual/inexpensive as possible for us.

I'm buying a cheap dress. I'm making the centerpieces. I said a ceremony was NBD, so we're going to the courthouse the day before. My cousins will DJ for us. I'm not doing STD's, bouquets, flowers, expensive cakes, programs, yaddayyadda, so for him to squash something I don't want to compromise on is hurting my feelings greatly. If I can find someone who's done something similar, or something I can Google to show him this is OK (is it?), it would help my hissy fit I'm having now! =]

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basodie Posts : 6 Registered: 8/18/10
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 8, 2010 6:18 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

You, your friends, and your daughters are excited about this; it seems to me that should be a good enough reason! Maybe try to get him off of what is/isn't traditional and onto what this says about your relationship with your bridesmaids? Being a bridesmaid is basically about publicly supporting your friend in her marriage; would it make more sense to him to hear that that's why you asked them? I would emphasize that this isn't about the looks of the thing but about including/honoring your friends and family.

If he is looking for a "function" for the bridesmaids, well, I've always thought their job is a lot more involved/harder at the reception than the ceremony -- they help the couple host the event and make sure that everyone is getting good hospitality and having a good time. Heck, it makes his job easier really!

I wonder if he'd feel differently if there were a more specific part for them? If it's a dinner reception, they could sit with you ("head table") or they could each host a separate table. Maybe you could all do a fun dance or song together. Plus one or more of them could make toasts. Not sure if that kind of stuff would bug him more or less.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 8, 2010 6:27 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

Dear Sarah,

"so for him to squash something I don't want to compromise on is hurting my feelings greatly"

Again, it's between you and him.

"This is hurting my feelings greatly."

Good response: "Let's talk about it and see if we can some to something mutually agreeable."

Bad response: "I don't give a darn. Go soak your head."

It's not a question of seeing how other people do things. You are not doing other things in a "traditional" manner, so what good would to do to point out other traditional weddings with bridesmaids? You will not win an argument by getting others on website to agree with you.

You need to come up with something both are comfortable doing.

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2dBride Posts : 158 Registered: 3/16/09
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 8, 2010 6:29 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

First off, it sounds like you need to separate out the BMs/GM thing. Even if you have BMs, he doesn't need to have GM. Perhaps if you make it clear that your having BMs imposes no obligation at all on him, he would be more willing to let you have this one?

Second, while you can't exactly compromise on the BM issue, you can come to compromises on the wedding as a whole. If it was his idea not to have a ceremony at all, perhaps you could point out that you have gone along with his preferences in that regard, and ask that he go along with yours on the BM issue?

Ultimately, of course, wedding planning is kind of a rehearsal for the negotiating skills you will need in a marriage. If he is totally unwilling to negotiate or compromise, he is not someone you want to be married to. If that is not the case, then you need to work out something that works for the two of you.


Our wedding Web site and items for sale

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 8, 2010 11:04 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

This is the same Fiance who has not bothered to come up with his guest list at all, right?

Of course, he has not asked any GM. He has no idea who he wants to come to this shindig. He probably just wants to do the courthouse and move on with no reception....and figures he'll default it to that by not giving you any names.

And if you're not having a reception, then why do you need any bridesmaids?

(see the logic here?)

You're compromising already on a lot of things, just to save money. This is something you really want. Tell him simply this: It is important to me, and it does not matter if it is traditional or not.

It does not sound like you're bucking tradition because it does not suit your personality. You're bucking the tradition for budget. So you've already compromised a lot...a big amount. You sound like the kind of a gal who wants the ceremony with friends and family. This is already a huge compromise on your part. If you have three friends who are willing to buy a dress for the reception...then great. What is the harm in it?

I am sorry Sarah...but this man needs to get on board. The thing is: the bride chooses her wedding party. The groom chooses his. He does not get to dictate who stands for you (regardless of whether they go with you to the court or not).

Misty

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 8, 2010 11:29 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Dear CS,

"This is the same Fiance who has not bothered to come up with his guest list at all, right?"

The same question occurred to me.

The guy just wants to get it over with. No big deal. No guests. No attendants. Just get it over with.

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 8, 2010 11:35 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

If you want bm's you should have them, despite what your FH says. BM's aren't just girls who get all pretty to walk down the isle on your big day. They are your closest friends who have been there for you during major, and minor, times in your life. They are people you laugh and cry with, they are your FRIENDS! What's next, he's going to tell you you can't have friends?

As for W-day roles, they might be there to help you get ready, help you out with any minor (or major) details that day (and during the planning), and wouldn't you just want your closest friends standing beside you on one of the most important days in your life? Also, if your having a reception, you definitly NEED bridesmaids...they're the ones who get everyone out on the dance floor!

I don't think you should have to justify to your FH having your closest friends stand beside you on your wedding day, it shows that they care for you and support your decision. It's not like there just some wedding day prop.

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SarahSarah Posts : 93 Registered: 10/9/09
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 9, 2010 2:01 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsDJLeo

He did say he would only ask his one good friend. Which I said that was fine, there doesn't need to be an exact number. I just happen to have three close friends and he has one.

I did mention that it is no obligation to him for me to have BM's. I will need my friends to help me on that day setting up decorations, getting the food out, and all the little things I'm sure will come up. And I did explain to him it's honoring our friends, and he doesn't understand that, he looked @ me like I was crazy. Which isn't his fault, I don't expect him to know a lot about wedding etiquette.

And yes, he is the same one that won't do a guest list (I don't have 2 FH's!! =] ) Which I will be attempting to get him to do tonight, there's a bridal fair in town on Saturday and I can't really check out caterers if I don't have a number of guests.

We both want something simple. He justs wants it more simple that I do!

The funny thing is, he is wanting to have this Indian restaurant cater our reception. I told him not everyone will eat that type of food, and it would be a HUGE waste of money. He doesn't want BM's, which is of no cost to us, yet he's willing to blow money on food not even half our guests will eat. He has no clue! GAH!

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MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 9, 2010 4:52 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

He gets Indian food and you get BMs? Just a thought.

Life happens! I'm no longer WaitingForApril2010

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SarahSarah Posts : 93 Registered: 10/9/09
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 9, 2010 5:20 PM Go to message in response to: MissApril

Oh trust me, it's been a thought of mine! Indian food isn't great on the intestines, I reminded him. I don't want to spend my reception in the bathroom the whole time.

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MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 9, 2010 6:03 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

Hmm... Bring a sandwich? I dunno. I don't see the issue with having BMs in the first place, as there's no financial burden on you. BUT if there MUST be a compromise, this just seems like an easy one.

Life happens! I'm no longer WaitingForApril2010

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KateLouise Posts : 40 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 10, 2010 12:55 PM Go to message in response to: MissApril

Honestly, I think that having bridesmaids is YOUR business and your choice. Having groomsmen, or not, is entirely HIS business and his choice. I don't think it's his place to veto YOUR friends wearing matching dresses, being honoured, and being there to support you in whatever capacity you want.

I say this as someone who has chosen not to have (official) bridesmaids, so I do understand your fiance's reasoning - I just don't think it's his decision to make (or interfere with). You don't need any more justification than it being what you want.

Edit: sorry for the capitals overload. I'm in an emphatic mood.

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bcnbride Posts : 7 Registered: 9/1/10
Re: Fiance wants no bridesmaids.
Posted: Sep 10, 2010 5:58 PM Go to message in response to: KateLouise

Someone above mentioned that he seems to be looking for a "function" for the bridesmaids, and since you are not walking down the aisle he doesn't see the point of it.

Personally, my 2 bridesmaids are going to be with me when we get our manicure, they'll come to the hairdresser and will help me dress. I like the idea that they will be with me while i'm getting ready, and they'll also be responsable for carrying around safety pens, bandaids etc.

They are my best friends, I want to show them how much I appreciate them. I think being someone's bridesmaid is really an honour.

Will he fall for an explanation like this?

Edited by: bcnbride on Sep 10, 2010 5:58 PM

My Blog: http://spanishwedding.wordpress.com/

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