Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...

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wishingandhoping1 Posts : 9 Registered: 9/4/10
Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 4, 2010 11:03 AM

Hi everyone,

After reading through various posts to find someone who was in a situation similar to mine I couldn't seem to find anyone so I decided to just start my own post.

I am starting to get very impatient in waiting. Unlike a lot of people on here I am wondering if my boyfriend is ever going to even buy a ring (so I don't have that glimmer of hope knowing he has already purchased it and is just waiting for the right moment to propose). We have done some ring shopping, but never because he has wanted to, only because I dragged him into the stores with me. We have been together 4 years and although I am only 23, he is 5 years older than me. I am currently finishing up my last 2 classes of my undergraduate degree and will hopefully begin working on my masters next fall. He knows that once I start school again next fall I won't have much time to plan a wedding or get married, so next summer would be the ideal time for us to get married.

We can not live together without being married because his family is very religious. Although, we technically still spend every night together. I don't necessarily have anything against this but I am starting to get very stressed from the guilt that both our families place on not being married and staying the night together.

I bring up how I want to get married all the time and he says he is not ready. He is 28 and has a great job. He says part of it is due to financial reasons but he somehow has enough money to go golfing several times a week. Seeing him spend money on things such as this when he says he doesn't have enough money to get married breaks my heart. I don't want to get married so that we can start having kids (I don't want to have kids for many more years), I just want to get married for the simple fact that we can officially live together in the same house without getting ridiculed. So I don't really understand what money has to do with it. Obviously it costs some money to buy a ring and to have a wedding but he knows that I just want a very small, intimate wedding.

In the first 3 years he talked about getting married all the time but it seems like over the last year he is moving the opposite way and showing less commitment to me. Whenever he mentions future plans over the next few years, like who he will be living with etc., none of the plans involve me.

I have the feelings of jealousy that a lot of you mention on here when I hear of friends who get engaged who have been together less time than us. I want to feel happy for them but it always leads me to think "what is wrong with me that my boyfriend doesn't want to propose to me?". It is literally making me go crazy which leads him to believe that I am mentally unstable which leads him to be weary of marrying me which leads me back to thinking "whats wrong with me that he wouldn't want to propose?!" So its a vicious cycle!

I have set in my own head that if he doesn't propose by 1/1/11 that I am going to have to make some major decisions.

Sorry that was so long, I just need some advice on if anyone else has been in a situation similar to this... I want to just quit thinking about it and talking about it because that is probably making him want to propose less and less but it is just so hard when I see everyone around me getting married and I'm not even engaged yet. I'm just ready for the next chapter of my life and I am tired of all the uncertainty.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 4, 2010 11:47 AM Go to message in response to: wishingandhoping1

Dear Wish,

Picture yourself in another five or ten years.

Do you want to be married to a man who told you, in so many words, that he was not ready to get married?

"he says he is not ready"

Do you want to be married to a man that you had to nag and push to get him to the altar?

"I bring up how I want to get married all the time"

I am going to give you some good advice. You, basically, already know what to do.

"I have set in my own head that if he doesn't propose by 1/1/11 that I am going to have to make some major decisions."

This is exactly what you should do. Make your own private deadline in your mind. Don't tell him. It's your deadline and yours alone. Similarly, stop the pushing and nagging. Just live your life. Enjoy being 23.

When 1/1/11 comes, and if you are not engaged, then it's time to move on. You want to get married, he does not. There's no compromise between those two positions. It's not like you can be married 6 months out of the year, then not married the other six months.

That will be the point when you declare yourself to be single, and you will be out in the world meeting other people, some of whom might be marriage-minded men and their friends.

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sassy411 Posts : 52 Registered: 8/16/10
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 4, 2010 1:12 PM Go to message in response to: wishingandhoping1

He says he's not ready.

I say, believe him.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 4, 2010 6:43 PM Go to message in response to: sassy411

Ladies,

And I hate to be a wet blanket, but if he's 28 and "not ready", he ain't never gonna be ready.

I know people like that. They go year after year, waiting. Then they get "engaged", but make no firm wedding plans. They go year after year as fiancé and fiancée, but never get married.

I've seen this over and over in my life.

If the guy actually wants to get married, he'll propose, then cooperate in setting a firm date and moving forward.

If the guy does not actually want to get married, he'll drag his feet as long as possible, getting sex and having babies with his girlfriend without making the ultimate commitment.

If that is what you want, Perpetual Engagement, then great. He's your guy. If you want to get married, set your deadline and dump him if you go past the deadine without any firm action.

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SparkleBride Posts : 3 Registered: 9/4/10
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 4, 2010 9:28 PM Go to message in response to: wishingandhoping1

My fiance and I were together for 5 years before he proposed. At year 4, i knew i did want to be married to him (we both wanted to take our time ). And he was the type that said he never wanted to get married. At year 4, I told him straight out, I want to be married. No pressure, but if it wasnt something he wanted, stop wasting my time. We just had a conversation about our future and where we saw our lives together or not. After that , he came around because he didnt want to lose me and realized he wanted to marry me.

Now first, be sure you want to get married because you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, not just to please traditional parents. And marriage should not be a matter of convenience between degrees or to live together with approval.

second, have 'the talk' with him seriously . and tell him what you want. if he doesnt want the same, you do have a decision to make . (although a simple one, not an easy one)

I didnt have pressure from my parents, but had some from his parents. but i understand the waiting. but if you dont tell him straight out, he'll just go on being content.

tell him how you feel and get some answers from him.

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WeddingInvitati... Posts : 22 Registered: 8/23/10
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 7, 2010 8:51 PM Go to message in response to: wishingandhoping1

Wishingandhoping,
I am in a similar situation as you. He has not purchased a ring, we've been together 3 years, I am 23, he is 6 years older than me and has a great job. Other friends have gotten engaged when we've been together longer and it is difficult. We talk about marriage often and we both know where we stand. We cannot live together unless we are engaged not because of religious reasons but traditional parents. He bought his own house and does say he wants to marry me and to be patient. He's also told me he wants to start ring shopping. I know how difficult it is to be in the situation but I at least know that he wants it in the near future. For you, if you don't even have the sanity of knowing that he is ready or thinking about it on his own you should do what Auntofthebride said and follow your own rule by the 1/1/11 rule. You have to be true to yourself and not waste your own time.

I also know how you feel about almost obsessing over it and realizing that it will be more convenient when you can actually live together without the ridicule. You can't want it so bad bc it's convenient but bc you can't possibly want to spend another day of your life without him. My opinion is to set the date in your mind, don't tell him, try really hard not to bring it up and then if it doesn't happen move on. Everything happens for a reason and if you were meant to be then you will be. You can't wait around and not achieve your life goals bc you're waiting on someone else.

I disagree with aunt when she says that if he's not ready now he's not going to be ready. My man is 30 and we've been together 3 years and he wasn't ready last year but he is now. Yours could come around even though he's already 28 but bc he's very clear about not being ready or seeing you in the future are you sure you want to marry him?

Get it off your mind, wait til the date, then move on if necessary. I know how you feel though so I feel for you. It's not easy to hear but it's what you know is right.

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wishingandhoping1 Posts : 9 Registered: 9/4/10
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 8, 2010 4:08 PM Go to message in response to: WeddingInvitati...

Weddinginvitationdesigner,

Thanks so much for you reply. It really gives me a lot of comfort to hear from people in situations similar to mine! I think you have a lot of great advice and recently I have been working hard to get my mind off of it. Thanks so much for the understanding post. Its hard to read when the others post things about how I should want to get married because I love him and not because it is convenient. Obviously I love him and that is the #1 reason I want to marry him otherwise I wouldn't have stuck around for 4 years!

Good luck with your boyfriend as well! Its hard to be patient! :)

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WeddingInvitati... Posts : 22 Registered: 8/23/10
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 9, 2010 11:14 AM Go to message in response to: wishingandhoping1

it is most definitely hard to be patient but at the same time you're only engaged once and only proposed to once so you want to enjoy every minute of it. As much as I can't wait for it to happen I want him to do it on his own time, his own way and be totally surprised. I'm trusting that he'll do it soon and if not, like you, I'll reevaluate.

good luck and keep me posted! =)

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JoeandSherita Posts : 4 Registered: 6/27/10
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 10, 2010 7:02 PM Go to message in response to: wishingandhoping1

I understand how you feel. But to be honest, men aren't as complex as we are. So when he says "he's not ready." Believe him, he's not ready. In in the past, my fiance told me he wasn't ready and as difficult as it was to hear, I had to respect his feelings. Then suddendly, we started talking about marriage, family and our future together. We also started making solid plans and talking with our family about getting married and having a wedding. If your bf is not making solid plans for the future that includes you, then you may have to rethink your relationship and move on. Good Luck to you!


Wedding Tickers

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wishingandhoping1 Posts : 9 Registered: 9/4/10
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 12, 2010 5:51 PM Go to message in response to: JoeandSherita

Thats the thing, he talks about our future together all the time. He talks about what kind of house we want to get, how we will raise our kids, etc. So there isn't any question in my mind that he wants to marry me, its just the whole fact that he says he isn't financially ready.

I might just be being really selfish or something but he has a great job with very few bills. He was just telling me today that he is now at a significant amount of money in one of his savings accounts, more than enough to buy a ring. He told me that now that he is finally at that point he can now start saving for a ring! This left me quite upset as I was sure he was probably almost ready to buy the ring with the large amounts of money he has been saving each month! He told me he is going to put the ring on lay away and just pay 10% a month so that in a year it will be paid for. Then a year from there we could be engaged. So that would put it at over 2 years away before we could be married. I know that if I really love him I should wait and 2 years isn't that long and everything. It just seems like after being together 4 years another whole year of waiting to be engaged and then ANOTHER year from there to be married seems like an eternity, especially since we can't live together.

So obviously my 1/1/11 rule isn't going to work out. I don't know what to do....

I feel like all my hopes just got shot down.

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sassy411 Posts : 52 Registered: 8/16/10
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 12, 2010 7:07 PM Go to message in response to: wishingandhoping1

I don't know how it could get much clearer that this guy isn't ready to marry you. He just told you he could well afford to buy you a ring but is choosing to push it off into some faraway time.

I'm not sure you're hearing the "no".

Btw, a question: if you can express it in a percentage, how much of your time do you spend thinking about this guy, trying to figure him out, etc?

Edited by: sassy411 on Sep 12, 2010 7:09 PM

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 12, 2010 10:53 PM Go to message in response to: wishingandhoping1

Dear Wish,

"Thats the thing, he talks about our future together all the time. He talks about what kind of house we want to get, how we will raise our kids, etc. So there isn't any question in my mind that he wants to marry me,"

There is a huge question in my mind about him wanting to marry you.

Why?

Because I know many many couples that go YEARS of living together, having kids, buying a house, without every getting married.

There was a message on this board just recently. The couple has been together 14 years, and have two children. The older child is 10, if I recollect correctly.

Is that what you want?

Do you want to be on pins and needles for FOURTEEN YEARS waiting for this guy to be "ready"? Do you want to have babies with a boyfriend?

I said it before. Set a private deadline in your own mind. Make a promise to yourself that you will bail if that deadline comes and goes without (1) getting engaged and (2) making active plans for a wedding.

I say both 1 and 2 because there is a subset of those I mentioned above that go those years as "fiancé / fiancée" and never actually get married. They are the Perpetually Engaged.

If your personal life goal is to be married, not just "in love", not just "engaged", not just "waiting", then bail out of this relationship should you get to your personal deadline with no progress. Declare yourself to be single and go out into the world where there are nice marriage-minded men.

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sassy411 Posts : 52 Registered: 8/16/10
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 13, 2010 9:36 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Honestly, if a guy gave me that goofy song & dance about putting a ring on layaway, paying 10% a month, etc., I'd have to believe he was trying to shut me up & had no intentions of buying a ring & frankly, did not want to marry me.

But, that's just me. I could be all wrong.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 13, 2010 10:17 AM Go to message in response to: wishingandhoping1

Dear Wish,

" I know that if I really love him I should wait and 2 years isn't that long and everything."

By the same token, if he really loved you, he's marry you tomorrow. Hmmm... he must not really love you.

It works both ways. He wants to drag his feet another 2 years at least. What do you want to bet that after saving up for the ring, he'll tell you how he wants a "long engagement"? Two, three, four more years?

Cut your losses. You've already spent 4 years with him. Promise yourself a deadline and then act.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...
Posted: Sep 13, 2010 1:33 PM Go to message in response to: wishingandhoping1

Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.

These ideas did not become cliches for nothing. Here's another one: "Shit or get off the pot!"

Is he kidding? Another four years? He needs to be financially ready? He needs to put the ring on layaway?

This is your life, too, and you shouldn't be letting him make all of the decisions about it. It's fair at this point to tell him what you expect and when you'd like to see it happen. If he's "not ready," then you need to be ready to move on. By the way, if you show some strength, and if he truly means that he wants to marry you, your willingness to leave him will shake him to the core (and into action). If he lets you go, then you have your answer as to what would have happened if you had waited around for years.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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