having photos of his ex

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jessc2010 Posts : 19 Registered: 2/7/10
having photos of his ex
Posted: Sep 1, 2010 8:04 AM

I can't find my other posts so sorry for the repeat.

before me my FH was with the same girl on and off for 3yrs., and they lived together for a few months. They've been broken up for 2yrs. Him and I live to together now in the same apartment that they lived in. I recently found pictures of just her both of them together. I was very upset!! They haven't been together for TWO years, he's dated other people since here, so there is no reason for him to still have these photos unless he still thinks about her or has feelings for her. I also was looking someone up on whitepages.com and other names that had been searched popped up and hers was one of them. he says that he didn't look her up, but I don't know what to think. I could really use some opinions!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: having photos of his ex
Posted: Sep 1, 2010 11:36 AM Go to message in response to: jessc2010

dear Jess,

Chill.

I have been married for 34 years, one and only marriage, and I have photos of old boyfriends in my possession, here in this house.

Why? They are part of my past. Just like photos of my family, my parents, my brother, my children, my high school yearbooks, photos of houses where I used to live, pets who have since died, etc.

All those things combine to make me who I am now.

My husband, similarly, has photos from his past. Do I care? Yes, I care because I want him to keep in touch with how he got to who he is now. I am not threatened by photos of former girlfriends, nor should he be threatened by photos of my former boyfriends.

Not only that, I have looked up the names of old boyfriends using Google and Facebook. I found out that two of them are DEAD! Both died in the same year! I also found that one had a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation!

If you have other substantive reasons to believe your boyfriend is cheating on you, then talk to him about those suspicions. If you don't get an answer that satisfies you, then consider ending the relationship.

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jessc2010 Posts : 19 Registered: 2/7/10
Re: having photos of his ex
Posted: Sep 1, 2010 11:54 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I have not kept any old photos except the ones that my parents have at their house. he is also still bestfriend's with the girl's sister which makes me uncomfortable

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: having photos of his ex
Posted: Sep 1, 2010 12:06 PM Go to message in response to: jessc2010

Well I have old photos of my ex's too. In my opinion it's not a big deal - I'm with the one I chose to marry.

Basically, it comes down to that you are uncomfortable.

So you need to discuss it with your FH. You've already asked him about the search - he denied it.

You have to decide if you trust him or not - it doesn't sound like you do.

If you don't trust him, then don't marry him.

 

 

 

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jessc2010 Posts : 19 Registered: 2/7/10
Re: having photos of his ex
Posted: Sep 1, 2010 1:18 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

He's the one that I chose to marry and that's why I got rid of all the photos of other people. I don't want nor do I need the photo memories of my time with other people. I only want memories of him and I. I trust him! things like that just make me insecure. =(

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: having photos of his ex
Posted: Sep 1, 2010 1:29 PM Go to message in response to: jessc2010

I don't want nor do I need the photo memories of my time with other people.

But not everyone is like that. I like to be reminded of how I've changed - it's what made me into who my DH loves.

Have you talked to him about the pics?

If you haven't talked to him, then maybe he doesn't know it bothers you and maybe he's willing to get rid of the pics.

If he's not, then decide is it big enough to make it an ultimatum. Which means you could push him away more then you want and end up damaging the relationship.

But, honestly, if you trust him, I don't see what the issue is.

EDIT: And Jess, I know that there are others who feel as you do - and they'll probably reply too.

But the only way you can try to get to any resolution is to communicate and talk it out.

Edited by: PharmToxGirl on Sep 1, 2010 1:34 PM

 

 

 

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: having photos of his ex
Posted: Sep 1, 2010 1:39 PM Go to message in response to: jessc2010

Why? Why are you insecure? Is he not MARRYING you?

Sorry,I think you're overreacting. His photos are not making you feel anything -- you're doing it all on your own.

I wish I had more photos of my exes -- I didn't take them, so I don't. But I keep old emails, because they remind me of how I got to where I am, which makes me smile. I've looked for one ex on facebook and can't find him, and I'm actually kinda worried about that.

My husband, who I've been with for 10 years, has photos of his exes, although he probably doesn't even know where they are. I do -- cause I'm the one who organizes the photos. He also is friends with every ex he's got, as well as a few he tried to get but never succeeded. Doesn't bug me -- in fact, it's proof to me that he is able to have relationships with women that are not sexual, which is important for me to know, becaue there are a lot fo women in the world, and he'll have to look at/talk to/work with many of them.

Honestly, unless you've got other reasons for feeling insecure, I'd let it go.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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Del3 Posts : 113 Registered: 11/1/06
Re: having photos of his ex
Posted: Sep 1, 2010 4:04 PM Go to message in response to: jessc2010

I have to agree with everyone re the photos. My husband and I both have pictures of us with exes from when we were dating them.

As to the white pages...computers are crazy smart things. They can save searches for a very long time. So you don't actually know when he ran that search for her phone number or address. It could be something as innocent as shortly after they broke up (and obviously she moved somewhere other than your current house) he needed her address to give her something she left behind. He may not remember that b/c as your said it was two years ago. Without anything else to suspect him of cheating I wouldn't worry.

Also, are the two of them still friends? You said he's friends with her sister which upsets you. Maybe he is aware of this and is trying to avoid discussing with you that he occassionally sees her in his group of friends - since you know he is still friends with her sister.

If you let yourself become more comfortable with his friendships and secure in your position with him, he may be more open about everything.

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jessc2010 Posts : 19 Registered: 2/7/10
Re: having photos of his ex
Posted: Sep 1, 2010 4:13 PM Go to message in response to: Del3

he has nothing to do with the ex. but is very good friends with her sister. the sister and her boyfriend come to our house sometimes because they are friends. I she's nice and I like her. I just don't like that she's his ex's sister, but I know that she can't help that.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: having photos of his ex
Posted: Sep 1, 2010 8:26 PM Go to message in response to: jessc2010

Dear Jess,

From reading this and a few other messages you have written, I get the idea that you are relatively young and inexperienced in the ways of the world.

Lots of people have photos of former boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever friends. Most people are mature enough in their own self-identity that they are not bothered by all that. There are many many other more important things to get bothered about.

If you are, in fact, young and inexperienced in the ways of the world, it might be a really good idea to put all plans for marriage on ice, and give yourself time to grow up a bit more.

Then, reconsider.

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usfbeachbum Posts : 27 Registered: 6/6/10
Re: having photos of his ex
Posted: Sep 2, 2010 1:57 AM Go to message in response to: jessc2010

"If you let yourself become more comfortable with his friendships and secure in your position with him, he may be more open about everything."

I completely agree with De. DH and I both have countless pictures of exes and they are all in one place amongst the rest of our pictures.

Just this past weekend DH chatted on IM with his most recent ex: she was asking for his lentil recipe. I sent my salutations and continued with my day. I also chat with a select of my exes every now and then. I only maintained contact with the exes whom he knows and has met and feels completely comfortable. Not to mention some of them are invited to our wedding.

I think the main thing is to not overreact. Maybe get to know the sister and make a point to invite her over with some of your friends. Was he friends with her and thats how he met the sister? Or did he meet her because he was dating her?

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