Can't seem to get past myself...

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TheShrinkingBride Posts : 16 Registered: 8/26/10
Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 26, 2010 9:44 AM

I've been engaged for a year. In the very beginning, I was excited to plan the wedding and had a lot of hope for what it would become. I had a lot of confidence in myself and sort of felt like everything would work out.

However, after a while, I realized that (at 37 - first time bride), I'd waited too long to not have things be 'right.' This is my one shot. This is my ONE wedding.

The problem is... I'm fat. I just can't see myself having the wedding I want or being comfortable or having my picture taken looking like a blob. So yes, I'm working on that.

But the problem seems to be that I can't find a way past it. I've been stunned into inaction by the whole thing. I can't plan, can't shop, can't move forward because I can't accept the thought of myself standing up there in front of everyone looking like the stay puft marshmallow man, ya know?

It's sucked my desire to do anything. I sort of feel like giving up and going to the courthouse. If I can't have what I want, I almost don't want anything at all. But I am terrified that I'll regret doing 'nothing'... and so I'm in limbo.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Thanks, -TSB

----- blog: The Shrinking Bride

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 26, 2010 10:08 PM Go to message in response to: TheShrinkingBride

Does it really matter what anyone else has felt? YOU feel this way. These are questions to discuss with your shrink, not strangers on a website. The only answer to inertia is to move. If you can't do it on your own, let others help you--e.g. a therapist, a dietician, a fitness instructor, a wedding planner, your parents, your friends. And, by the way, your FH proposed to the fat blob that you think you are--what does he have to say about your attitude?

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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TheShrinkingBride Posts : 16 Registered: 8/26/10
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 27, 2010 1:04 AM Go to message in response to: myras

I think it is entirely natural... as a human being, to seek out advice from others and wonder if anyone has had a similar experience. People reach out on message boards every day of the week doing just that.

I'm fat... would like a nice wedding... and feel anxiety over doing something and not having it be what I'd hoped. I really don't think this is something so distant and remote from the experience of all other people such that it requires professional help on the order of therapy at $150+ an hour.

I didn't ask people to solve my problems or fix my life. I asked if anyone else had felt the same way. I am responsible for changing my life and I can and will do what is necessary to make that happen.

To seek out camaraderie, advice, or to feel less alone on a journey is not something that seems entirely out of line. I feel, as someone who's engaged to be married... that I have a right to ask questions in a forum for people who are in a similar position in their life.

I didn't go on a baking website or a welding forum and ask my question. It is on topic... and I feel it's within the scope of questions that have been asked before.

I thought things would feel different, I thought I'd be more excited about the business of planning a wedding. I'm fine with my 'life.' I have a wonderful fiance who loves me very much. I have a wonderful home in a location that I LOVE.

I have a good job and a wonderful daughter. I have had the benefit of a wonderful education and lots of travel. I am involved in my community and volunteer my time to causes that mean something to me. I'm a good person. I am a kind person who's liked by children and animals. I'm not some freak of nature social pariah disaster.

I'm just fat, feel out of place, and had thought... in all my 37 years, that when I finally got to this place, that it would feel different. I wondered if anyone else had the same experience. Clearly, you did not. That's fine.

----- blog: The Shrinking Bride

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KateLouise Posts : 40 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 27, 2010 5:23 AM Go to message in response to: TheShrinkingBride

ShrinkingBride, I do feel for you. I think your feeling might be (at least in part) the result of the modern wedding industry that pushes the idea that weddings are the sole remit of young, slim, model-perfect brides having first-time marriages. After all, that's who you see in the bridal magazines, the wedding shows, the photographers' blogs... right?

Well, WRONG. Look at the real-life married women around you. They aren't perfect. You have as much right to happiness and to celebrate your love for your husband-to-be as a skinny twenty-something. You don't have to morph into something you aren't to earn the "right" to a wedding. There isn't a weight limit to get married.

Your wedding should reflect who you are. Pick a dress that flatters your figure, find a hairstylist/makeup artist who makes you look like you at your best, plan a day that feels natural to you and your husband and the way you usually live and entertain. Don't try to be something you aren't. Browse through wedding forums with real women on them rather than the picture-perfect airbrushed magazines - you will see there are many plus-size, older, or otherwise "imperfect" brides dealing with the same issues as you, yet are able to thoroughly enjoy their wedding planning. You'll pick up tips from them.

By all means make the best of yourself, and set realistic targets for getting fit and healthy, but be proud of who you are and move forward with planning your wedding. And congratulate yourself on finding a (presumably) wonderful man who loves you just as you are. Good luck!

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sassy411 Posts : 52 Registered: 8/16/10
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 27, 2010 9:30 AM Go to message in response to: TheShrinkingBride

Oh darling, I am well well past 37 & having my first "real wedding" in November. I've been married before but never did the whole bride thing--I'm doing it now.

I dreaded dress shopping as well, thinking the sales ladies would assume I was a "MOB" (mother of bride).

On the topic of magazine photos--I had some head shots done for professional reasons a few months back & had a fascinating discussion with the photog.

He's done many fashion shoots. He said when the fashion models get to the studio, they look like relatively normal people. Some are quite attractive but they look fairly normal.

Once the photos are taken & they get to the airbrushing people, you would not believe what they do. Not only do they get slimmed & every trace of a flaw removed. Their necks may be lengthened, thighs trimmed, well you get the idea.

He said there is not much resemblance to the normal girls who came into the studio.

With that kind of technology, any of us would look like raving beauties. None of us should look at models in magazines as anything but caricatures.

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TheShrinkingBride Posts : 16 Registered: 8/26/10
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 27, 2010 9:41 AM Go to message in response to: KateLouise

"After all, that's who you see in the bridal magazines, the wedding shows, the photographers' blogs... right?"

You know, I think it's the photographs that really get me. You look at such amazing and wonderful spreads in the magazines and on the blogs and you think to yourself... "I want that to be ME!"

And really, why shouldn't you want that feeling of being in some magic wonderland just for a day. When you look at all the engagement shoots and the blogs like Style Me Pretty, you see REAL people having a wonderful time. I think it's just natural to want part of that for yourself.

I guess maybe I wasn't clear... I don't need to be perfect. I guess I just feel like I need to be a "normal size" person in order to have the same experience as other people. I'm REALLY fat. Like, if I lose half my weight, I could still lose more.

But that's my plan right now. Goal 1 was to hydrate, Goal 2 was to me more active so I signed up for DailyMile and I'll start walking either in the gym on the treadmill or around town at night. And the next goal will be meal planning.

I TRULY understand that the sum of all my choices... the food, the inaction, everything creates a system that supports me existing just as I am. And I need to change the pieces so that I get a different/better result.

But you're right and smart to point out that I should set realistic goals and just keep moving forward. Maybe it'll be a little bit of 'fake it till you make it' at the start. But I imagine that inertia will probably take over once some progress is made.

-TSB

----- blog: The Shrinking Bride

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TheShrinkingBride Posts : 16 Registered: 8/26/10
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 27, 2010 9:47 AM Go to message in response to: sassy411

"Oh darling, I am well well past 37 & having my first "real wedding" in November. I've been married before but never did the whole bride thing--I'm doing it now.

I dreaded dress shopping as well, thinking the sales ladies would assume I was a "MOB" (mother of bride)."

Congratulations! I hope that the planning has been going well. When I went to my first "Bridal Event" after being engaged, I brought my (adult, 19 year old) daughter along. They all assumed she was the bride despite me having the ring.

I don't know why, but it really hurt my feelings. I guess in some small part, I sort of felt like now it was my turn. After always being the bridesmaid and the reader and the helper and the planner... I was a little excited to be the bride.

Obviously, I had my daughter when I was very young... so it's not as if I look all that old. But, it really hurt my feelings that it seemed like I was being cheated out of being the special one. Yes, I totally understand how immature that sounds. But is it all that awful to want it?

I think I need to do a lot of work on losing weight to start... but when it's time to have my picture taken (something that I haven't let happen in about a decade), I'm going to keep in mind what you said and remember that magic is possible! Thank you, you've given me hope!

-TSB

----- blog: The Shrinking Bride

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 27, 2010 12:53 PM Go to message in response to: TheShrinkingBride

"But the problem seems to be that I can't find a way past it. I've been stunned into inaction by the whole thing. I can't plan, can't shop, can't move forward because I can't accept the thought of myself standing up there in front of everyone looking like the stay puft marshmallow man, ya know?

It's sucked my desire to do anything. I sort of feel like giving up and going to the courthouse. If I can't have what I want, I almost don't want anything at all. But I am terrified that I'll regret doing 'nothing'... and so I'm in limbo."

Sorry, dear, but your original post sounded much more serious than someone who is satisfied with her life and just wants to lose a little (OK, a LOT of) weight. Your repeated use of the word "can't" indicated the kind of inertia that only a professional could help. It sounded far more serious than a person who just needed a pep talk from other brides online. If I misread your tone, forgive me.

So, get yourself on a diet and get to the gym--there are no magic cures. If you could lose half of your body weight and still need to lose more, it sounds like you've got bigger issues than how you'll look at your wedding. Your health is at stake, and for the sake of your beautiful daughter and loving FH, you need to lose weight so you'll be around for them for a long time.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 27, 2010 1:17 PM Go to message in response to: TheShrinkingBride

I just have to add that whether you are 600lbs or 120lbs, there will ALWAYS be something to dislike about your body. I am of average weight and size and I look at my wedding photos and sometimes think UGH! But thats normal. However it's NOT normal to be depressed to the point where you can't even focus on life. You need to learn to accept yourself the way you are. Luckily the weight is something you have the ability to change..unlike say, a weird nose or long toes.

It doesnt sound like you have very high self-esteem about your looks or your age. And it also soudns like something you should speak to a therapist about.

a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/">

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TheShrinkingBride Posts : 16 Registered: 8/26/10
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 27, 2010 1:30 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

"However it's NOT normal to be depressed to the point where you can't even focus on life."

I can't focus on wedding planning. I can focus on my life. I have been stunned into inaction with regard to planning a wedding. Wedding planning is not my life or my job.

I am finding it difficult to think about dresses and flowers and parties. It hardly seems therapy-worthy.

My health is a very serious concern and I am taking it seriously. But the scope of my problem here specifically is related to planning a wedding, being excited about that, and my difficulty in finding ways to enjoy the "being a bride" part.

I don't have a problem with my life as a whole. I have a problem feeling like I fit the 'bride' mold because I'm fat.

I understand that to some people, that's offensive enough. But it doesn't make me a bad person.

-TSB

----- blog: The Shrinking Bride

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 27, 2010 2:43 PM Go to message in response to: TheShrinkingBride

No offense, but you're kinda nasty with bolding your certain phrases and such.

I dont know you, none of us do, but it sounds like your bad attitude is getting in the way.

I just don't see how comparing yourself to ANYONE in a magazine and getting mopey about it is healthy. Whether that's a bride in a magazine or Julia Roberts. I am sorry you are so influenced by what you see in TV, movies and airbrushed photos.

a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/">

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sassy411 Posts : 52 Registered: 8/16/10
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 27, 2010 5:33 PM Go to message in response to: TheShrinkingBride

I think the vendors need to educate their sales staff. Not every bride is in her 20's. I mean, some of these store owners/managers/CEOs have got to be marketing morons.

Not only are there plenty of brides past their twenties, the older the bride, the more likely there is actual money to spend at her discretion rather than mom & dad's.

Brides in my demographic also aren't normally spending every dime of income on kids.

Very foolish business practices, IMO, to not recognize the gold mine in post 20's brides.

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TheShrinkingBride Posts : 16 Registered: 8/26/10
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 27, 2010 9:44 PM Go to message in response to: sassy411

You're totally right. After decades of working and such, I think that we're definitely in a position to do what we want with our own money. It does seem like it might be a wise choice to try to be somewhat more accessible/sensitive to people who make the decisions about their own pocketbooks.

The average American woman is what? A size 12 or something. And there are a lot of older brides whether they be first time or second.

In a way, I get it. You're trying to sell something so you show it off to the best advantage and put it on a extra thin hanger model. Also, you're selling the fantasy. "If you buy my dress, you'll look like this."

I guess when you get a little older, it's easier to actually visualize your true self in the thing! :)

-TSB

----- blog: The Shrinking Bride

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2dBride Posts : 158 Registered: 3/16/09
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 28, 2010 1:47 PM Go to message in response to: TheShrinkingBride

I would suggest that you watch this short video. Since much of your concern seems to be derived from those perfect wedding photos, it may help you see how unrealistic they are for anyone, not just you.


Our wedding Web site and items for sale

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sassy411 Posts : 52 Registered: 8/16/10
Re: Can't seem to get past myself...
Posted: Aug 28, 2010 8:30 PM Go to message in response to: 2dBride

Great video! Thanks for posting!

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