Need Advice

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jujugirl Posts : 42 Registered: 4/8/10
Need Advice
Posted: Aug 16, 2010 7:40 PM

My bf and I have been together for 8 months now. We have talked about the fact that we know each other is the one and we don't want anyone else. We have also talked about kids and the future but have never really talked about marriage.I want to have a conversation with him about marriage and what his view points are about it but I don't want to sound like I want him to propose. I love are relationship just the way it is right now but I also think this is a conversation we should have. Any advice on how I can bring this up without sounding like in fishing for a ring? Any advice would really be appreciated.


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 16, 2010 10:23 PM Go to message in response to: jujugirl

Dear Juju,

This is a good conversation to have.

Here's a starter:

"Where do you see yourself in five years? In ten years?"

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jujugirl Posts : 42 Registered: 4/8/10
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 8:08 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

thanks aotb, I knew I could count on you for a response. Do you think its to soon to have this conversation though? I don't know maybe I'm just to nervous. I'm kinda scared that if we talk about this it will make him run but if he hasn't run yet i don't think he will. But I do think it is a conversation we should have.


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 8:52 PM Go to message in response to: jujugirl

Dear Juju,

"Where do you see yourself five years from now" is a perfectly good conversation topic. It's neutral, after all.

I wouldn't worry about it being "too soon". Such a conversation can take place any time, between friends. I've used it as a topic in church high school youth groups, for example. I've talked to some of my own friends along those lines, and it has come up in conversations with my sons' friends around the dinner table.

Just be prepared to stay neutral.

Your guy might talk all about his career plans and say nothing, positive nor negative, about any marriage plans.

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jujugirl Posts : 42 Registered: 4/8/10
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 9:24 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

thanks for all your help and advice!


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jujugirl Posts : 42 Registered: 4/8/10
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 22, 2010 4:16 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

hey I just wanted to update you. I asked my bf "where he sees himself in 5 years?" his response "gee, I dont really think of the future, maybe I should." so i guess i'll give it some more time and bring this up again in the future. oh well thanks again for your advice though, I'm sure ill ask you for some more in time. :)


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 22, 2010 6:21 PM Go to message in response to: jujugirl

Dear Juju,

Since you are basically happy with the way things are right now, then just drop the subject.

You've put a "bee in his bonnet", so it will be turning around in his head as well.

Wait a while, then at the opportune moment you might say "In five years, I picture myself..." and mention something that has nothing to do with marriage or kids.

"In five years I picture myself as supervisor instead of underling."

"In five years I picture myself as having lost 25 pounds."

"In five years I picture myself with a really nice vegetable garden."

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 23, 2010 2:45 PM Go to message in response to: jujugirl

A lot of the answer to this question depends on the context. For example, how old are you both and where are you in your lives? My boyfriend (years later, my ex-husband) and I had this conversation when we were freshmen in college. But--we were nowhere near being able to act on it, so the whole proposal and marriage thing waited for a few more years. It was nice to talk about a future together, but it definitely was on hold until we finished school and made some money.

But, if you and your BF are in your late twenties or older, then my limit is one year to have "the conversation." If, at the end of one year, you and he have not decided to move forward towards marriage, then you're probably wasting your time and it's time to move on. In that context, "Gee, I don't think about the future," is, to me, a warning sign.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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jujugirl Posts : 42 Registered: 4/8/10
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 23, 2010 7:03 PM Go to message in response to: myras

thanks for the advice. I'm 28 and he's 32, so I definitely think talking about future plans for us should be more near future and not far.I have my goals in life and they do include marriage and he knows that. so I plan on revisiting this issue probably not until after our first year together.If he is not ready to discuss it then I know ill have to move on,even though it will be really hard cause I genuinely love him with all my heart and don't want anyone else.


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 23, 2010 7:06 PM Go to message in response to: jujugirl

Dear Juju,

Yep, at your age a year is about right.

You love him with all your heart, but you also have to love yourself with all your heart. If getting married is a goal of yours, don't abandon that goal so that Mr Wonderful will be happy.

There are lots of other marriage-minded wonderful men out there that you can truly love with all your heart.

Give him a year, then bail if he hasn't made a move.

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jujugirl Posts : 42 Registered: 4/8/10
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 23, 2010 7:17 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I do love myself. I took me a very long time to get to where I am right now. I have excepted that and I love who I have become in the process. I also know its that love I have for myself that will let me walk if need be. Im just nervous and a little scared about starting over know all that it took me to get to where I am now but I know that I did it once and I could do it again


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 23, 2010 8:45 PM Go to message in response to: jujugirl

Dear Juju,

Wait a year or so before you start panicking.

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angiebgreat Posts : 11 Registered: 8/20/10
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 23, 2010 9:34 PM Go to message in response to: jujugirl

Ok had to pop in on this one. through my personal experience, I was 32 when I got married. Had to go through a lot of questions and loneliness myself. Moved from Ohio to Arizona to a new job, had to meet new friends, and gain "life experiences" I have totally been where you are, wondering if this "geniune love" feeling is truly the one. Im tellin ya, you will know, that confidence you have in yourself exudes and you will bring that type of person to you! The ones you need to be careful are the ones who themselves "dont know where they are going" Another idea is look at his parents, are they the kind of people who are your mind set, how is their relationship? Have you heard that ole saying "you are just like your mother/father" well it happens no matter what anyone says we to turn into them, somewhat, so take a look at them and see if thats what you want for your children to be around, is your bf turning into a go getter in life like dad or not knowing at his age is pretty touchy right now, I agree with AOTB, wait a year with this one..enjoy what you have and still explore those great conversations!

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jujugirl Posts : 42 Registered: 4/8/10
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Aug 23, 2010 9:43 PM Go to message in response to: angiebgreat

thank you everyone for your great advice. I am realizing that i tend to panic and over analyze everything so i'm going to stop and enjoy what i have. Thank you for all your help I appreciate it.


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angelina22 Posts : 1 Registered: 9/8/10
Re: Need Advice
Posted: Sep 8, 2010 12:39 AM Go to message in response to: jujugirl

Hello..i am angelina..i have a boyfriend..we want marry to each other..but his parents does not agree.i am very much confuse..please give me advise what should i do???

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