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Donation as Favor

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2dBride Posts : 158 Registered: 3/16/09
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 5:02 AM Go to message in response to: KCI

The thing is, a donation is not really "in lieu of" a favor. You could, after all, choose to have favors and also make a donation. Plus, money is fungible. Your donation might have been in lieu of a more expensive dress or an upgrade to the meal or an open bar. How would you or anyone else tell what you would have done with the money if you had not made that donation?

So the net result is that you are making a charitable donation, but trying to get public credit both for giving favors (which you didn't really do) and for making a charitable donation (which is not the concern of your guests, and may even be to a charity they don't support). Why not just skip the favors, make whatever charitable donation you believe appropriate, and not announce the donation at your wedding? Why call it a favor?


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Feisty4942 Posts : 6 Registered: 7/12/10
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 5:27 AM Go to message in response to: 2dBride

Well, "in lieu of" means "instead of" so I guess you're just banking on your guests' reading comprehension and hoping they can put two and two together. I suppose you're also investing in the hope that you're not inviting a bunch of petty people who will appreciate things like your handmade centerpieces and even your intangible dedication to a cause and overlook the missing photo album ot whatever you would have as favors. I suppose if people are so stuck on the fact that you failed to give them a tacky favor, you would have your receipt or other documentation of what you did of on lieu of (instead of) favors. I can't believe how stuck up people are on this site. You would think people were sticking the money in their own bank accounts instead of trying to help others. It's disturbing how materialistic some people can be. Let's hope you never need to depend on the funding from a non-profit organization for research to help you or a loved one survive, or even for day to day needs. I really feel sorry for the people who would honestly get in a tizzy if they found a donation a their place instead of a matchbook or cookie with my wedding monogram on it.

P.S. Who doesn't support things like anti-cancer associations? It's not like you're making a donation to a political candidate you support. If a guest has a problem with the fact that we're supporting the brain injury association, I'll just ask them to go sit next to my dad (who has a brain injury) and explain their concern. He can't answer back, but I'm sure it'll make them feel better to get this off their chests.

Edited by: Feisty4942 on Aug 19, 2010 4:42 AM



VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 7:55 AM Go to message in response to: Feisty4942

Okay, stop right there.

"Who doesn't support things like anti-cancer associations? It's not like you're making a donation to a political candidate you support. If a guest has a problem with the fact that we're supporting the brain injury association, I'll just ask them to go sit next to my dad (who has a brain injury) and explain their concern. He can't answer back, but I'm sure it'll make them feel better to get this off their chests."

I was not going to get involved in this thread, but you just hit a nerve with me.

First of all, no one here is claiming they don't support associations who fight for cures for cancer. Hell, AOTB just said she proudly wears a Pink bracelet every day to show her support. So get the fuck off your high horse and take a chill pill.

Second of all, these women are giving advice, good & reasonable advice, to a woman who asked a question about donations in lieu of favors. They gave honest responses. The original poster responded well, thanked everyone for their input, and went on her way. YOU, however, have turned this into a personal battle, and gotten your panties in a bunch, because you don't agree with what they had to say, and have taken offense to it even though NO ONE HAS ATTACKED YOU. By the way, I love your "I'll just ask them to go sit next to my dad (who has a brain injury) and explain their concern. He can't answer back, but I'm sure it'll make them feel better to get this off their chests," line. Really classy and mature of a woman soon to become a wife.

And before you dare try to turn this around again and claim I don't care, I just lost an aunt I was VERY close to in December to breast cancer. She fought long & hard for over 8 years to battle her illness, and I miss her everyday. That said, I still agree with the suggestion of bracelets, or chocolates. Why? Cause it's just a nice fucking thing to do for the guests who are sitting there at that table, and reading the card. Sure, they may not wear the bracelet (which is where the chocolate/edible favors idea is even better), totally possible. But how many other kinds of favors are never used by guests after they leave a wedding?

You're on the internet, miss. You're on a seemingly anonymous forum where women are free to express any opinion they like. You don't like it? Either grow thicker skin and accept that not everyone is going to agree with you, or stay off the forums. Starting feuds with people online is no way to gain respect.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)


hilltopfitz1235 Posts : 2 Registered: 12/21/09
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 8:09 AM Go to message in response to: VšnTillBruden

Bottom Line:

Do what makes you happy. If you feel a favor along with the card explaining the donation is the way to go, then do it.

If you end up just doing the card explaining the donation and someone has the nerve to ask, on your wedding day, where their favor to take home is, you could kindly explain to them why you gave to a charity instead of favor.

The liklihood of someone questioning you on your wedding day is slim.

Again, I understand that it's a gift that you offer to your guests but do you really walk away all mad because you didn't walk away with say, a pink bracelet, if the bride and groom donated to a breast cancer foundation?


Feisty4942 Posts : 6 Registered: 7/12/10
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 9:22 AM Go to message in response to: VšnTillBruden

Lovely language. Guess that explains why you're a bridesmaid and not a bride. And FYI they don't give out "fucking bracelets" for brain injuries. And I'm not really looking to gain respect in an online forum that appears to be populated by "aunts" and aspiring wedding planners who apparently spend hours online living vicariously through actual brides. Get a life.



auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 10:31 AM Go to message in response to: hilltopfitz1235

Ladies,

Hilltop: "The liklihood of someone questioning you on your wedding day is slim."

True.

I see tacky stuff at the time at weddings, and other events. I don't go up and question the person, I'm too polite.

I just say to myself, in the privacy of my own mind, "These people don't know any better.". Period.

However an anonymous message board is a place where a person can go, ask a question, then get honest answers. We don't know you. You don't know us. We will tell you a variety of honest responses to various issues. You, then, can take what we say, accept some of the advice, reject other advice, and make an informed decision.

If you don't like the opinions you read, great, do whatever you like. But don't engage in the fallacy of making your point with ad hominem attacks.

***

About favors:

Years ago, the only "favor" given out at weddings was a slice of wedding cake. Typically it was the groom's cake, which was a nutty fruitcake. The bride's cake was served at the wedding supper and the groom's cake was sliced up, put in fancy little boxes and sent home with the guests.

The groom's cake was to be shared with someone at home who could not attend the wedding; perhaps an invalid family member or neighbor. This was a way of extending the largesse of the wedding beyond the actual wedding guests. In addition, a young, unmarried girl was expected to sleep with the slice of groom's cake under her pillow so she could dream of her future husband.

The groom's cake and the custom of sending slices home more or less disappeared from the scene sometime in the mid-20th century. I'd like to bet it disappeared around the time of WWII, when sugar was rationed.

Fast forward: About 20 years ago, the concept of the party favor entered the adult world. Children got party favors all along: inexpensive plastic toys, balloons, etc. All of a sudden it became common to give out adult party favors. I never saw take-away favors at weddings (except for the occasional groom's cake) until the 1990s.

Most of these favors were something edible, again following the old tradition of the groom's cake. I used to bring them home so my children could have a little treat the next day. It was always something simple, like a little bundle of almonds or a piece of chocolate. Just like the slice of groom's cake, the favor was just a little snack for the next day. Eat it, enjoy it, throw away the wrapper, and that's it.

With some time, favors morphed into tangible, non-edible, gifts. At one wedding I attended a few years ago, the couple burned their favorite songs into CDs and gave CDs away. I have that CD, now, in my car and listen to it occasionally. The wedding was in 2003, and I still use and enjoy the wedding favor.

The problem for the couple is that if you are going to get anything "nice" to give away as wedding favors, it does come into a substantial amount of money. Even if you spend $1/favor, that comes to $200 in a 200-guest wedding. The couple with the CDs spent HOURS burning CDs on their home computer.

What can you do for a buck? Not a lot. My house is full of clutter and if someone were to give me a one-dollar picture frame, I would not be all that appreciative.

Many couples would like to skip the favors, entirely. Why give your guest some kind of cheap junk they will just throw away? Why spend $200 on useless kitche?

So, here comes the concept of the donation in place of the favor. "In place of a favor (which would be just a piece of cheap kitche you would toss in the nearest garbage can, anyway), we will make a donation to XYZ worthy cause of our choosing."

As I said before, I don't like that. You are giving me a gift, then taking it back and giving the money to someone else.

Would I get all in a tizzy? No. Would I say anything to the couple? No. Would I be offended? No.

What would I do? I would say to myself, in the privacy of my own mind "Well, that was a waste of paper."

The couple could just skip favors entirely, if they are of the persuasion that favors are useless junk, and they are not even inclined to give anything edible. Yes, skip favors entirely.

If the couple wants to take the money saved on favors and give that money to a good cause, great, do so. There's no need to advertise it. Just do it. Great. There is nothing gained by informing the guests, either with paper-wasting messages at each table or a blurb in the program, that the couple donate to charity. They should be doing that, anyway.

You can go through many messages of mine that suggest that a young person try to live on 80% of their income. 10% should go into savings. 10% should go to charity. The rest, 80%, is what you live on.

Just as you don't advertise that you put money in savings, that you pay your rent every month and buy groceries, you similarly don't need to advertise that you donate to charity. Charity support is a normal life expense, like any other.



PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

The couple could just skip favors entirely, if they are of the persuasion that favors are useless junk, and they are not even inclined to give anything edible. Yes, skip favors entirely.

If the couple wants to take the money saved on favors and give that money to a good cause, great, do so. There's no need to advertise it. Just do it. Great. There is nothing gained by informing the guests, either with paper-wasting messages at each table or a blurb in the program, that the couple donate to charity. They should be doing that, anyway.

For me - This is it in a nut shell and 2dbride also made this point.

I'm with AOTB - am I going to get annoyed that there was a donation - no. But I do think it's a waste of paper, time and energy to make a point that this is all so grand to every guest there.

I've been to plenty of weddings that didn't do favors - I could have cared less. Unless it's edible, it's getting trashed. I chose to do edible favors, while I could have completely left them out.

And the fact is, that this opinion had been stated in this thread since the beginning and no one bothers to read it.

And yes, this is a PUBLIC forum of opinions. You can disagree with whatever you want to disagree with - there's no point in beating the horse dead that YOU ARE RIGHT. It's called an OPINION for a reason.

So some random people on a PUBLIC FORUM disagrees with you - know that someone might disagree with you. MOVE ON. It's called life - put you big girl panties on and deal with it.


kellyheartsjeff Posts : 66 Registered: 2/25/09
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 11:45 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I had no idea this was SUCH a touchy subject! But I think both points of view make sense. What's funny is, I attended my cousins wedding when I was in college and they did the donation instead of favor - and I was totally annoyed that I didn't get a favor. Now that I have been to more weddings and have seen some of the favors people give out... I am not at all offended when they decide to go the donation route instead!

We are doing the donation as a favor thing - and I suggested to FH that we do bracelets or a car magnet or something of that nature so the guests have something to take home. He loved the idea - my mom did not... But after reading this, I think I'm going to insist on the bracelets/magnets/etc.

A question regarding a purchase like that - are we guaranteed that the entire amount we spend on the bracelet goes to charity? Or does only a portion of it go to charity? We have chosen the American Cancer Society for our charity. It looks like they have a number of things that would work for our purpose. We were planning on donating $500, but the bracelets are only $0.59 - which comes out to a donation of only $150, so I'm assuming we would also donate the remaining $350 as a lump sum.

We have a template for a little scroll done up that we are tying with ribbon and placing at every seat on top of the napkins. I would guess we would keep the verbiage the same and say "in lieu of favors a donation has been made..." and then just place the bracelet or magnet underneath the scroll without really mentioning it in the note - is that going to be confusing to guests?


Marryingmytruel... Posts : 135 Registered: 2/11/10
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 11:51 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I don't really care for that idea either. If you want to make a donation to charity, WONDERFUL! Do it!

The issue that I have is this: A wedding favor is a tiny gift that you give to your guests to thank them for coming to your wedding. Ok, so I go to a wedding and get a little card that says the bride and groom donated to a specific charity. That doesn't thank me for attending their wedding. That was just a mass announcement that the bride and groom donated money to a charity.


Feisty4942 Posts : 6 Registered: 7/12/10
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 12:16 PM Go to message in response to: Marryingmytruel...

Who's to say that you wouldn't thank people within the information you would be leaving at the tables to tell people about the donation? It's not like you would leave a lAnd maybe you would want to tell people about the donation because it's something you care about and half of the battle is raising awareness about the cause. I for one am not just giving money to a charity so I'll feel like a good person. I'm doing it so, hopefully in the future, a bride won't have to go through her wedding the way I'm going to...with my dad there, but totally unable to participate in any single way. So it is personal to have someone say honoring your loved one and raising awareness for a cause is a stupid idea.



auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 1:06 PM Go to message in response to: kellyheartsjeff

Dear Kelley,

"then just place the bracelet or magnet underneath the scroll without really mentioning it in the note - is that going to be confusing to guests?"

Just give out the bracelet or magnet just as you would do any favor. No need to say you made a donation as well.

Anyone with a functioning brain cell in their head will know you got the bracelets or magnets in return for a donation. You don't have to advertise that fact. I would not be one bit confused at seeing a pink bracelet at my table setting. "Oh, they are supporting breast cancer research and awareness, as well as giving me a small gift. How nice."

Donate what you want to donate, ask the charity in return for X number of bracelets or magnets or whatever, then give those out to your guests. Done. You've given to a good cause and raised awareness amoung your guests, plus provided them with a small tangible gift to take home and use or give away as they so choose.



PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 1:15 PM Go to message in response to: Feisty4942

The horse is dead - I do believe it's animal cruelty to continue to beat it in this manner.

i.e. Continuing to attack/reply to people who don't agree with you won't change their mind anymore than a new person's opinion will change yours or anyone else who's already posted on this thread. (As I've already stated my opinion, I am not reposting it.)



auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 1:18 PM Go to message in response to: Feisty4942

Dear Feisty,

"And maybe you would want to tell people about the donation because it's something you care about and half of the battle is raising awareness about the cause."

This is why the small fund-raising gift, such as the pink bracelet for breast cancer, is a good favor.

You accomplish all three objectives:

1. You donate to the charity, which you should be doing anyway.

2. You give your guests a small tangible gift that they can take home, give to the kids, give to a neighbor or to a shut-in relative who could not attend the wedding.

3. You raise awareness.

What's there not to like about that?

Next issue: What if someone were to say "Oh, but MY charity does not have these little gifts available?"

Easy answer: Order some yourself.

It just so happens I am good friends with a guy who owns a "specialty advertising" company. Speciality advertising concerns itself with tangible items with a corporate logo or something like that. For example, your dentist gives you a toothbrush with "Dr Payne DDS 555-1212" embossed on it. Dr Payne got those toothbrushes from a speciality advertising shop, just like my friend's shop.

I know for a fact, because I designed my friend's website, that he sells "awareness" bracelets. You can pick a color, any color, write the text copy and place an order. Voilŗ, a package appears in the mail a week or so later with "your" bracelets.

You could get any color you like, with "Traumatic Brain Injury Awareness" printed on them. Give those to your guests.

And, continue as you usually do, to support the TBI advocacy group. That's just business as usual.



basodie Posts : 6 Registered: 8/18/10
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 4:00 PM Go to message in response to: Feisty4942

Even if a guest appreciates your donation, that doesn't make it a gift. You didn't make the donation based on what you think the guests want, so it's just not a gift, there really are no two ways about that.

I personally would rather that someone skip giving me chocolates and spend the money on a donation, or even on home improvement or something else that benefits them. So it's missing the point to throw around "materialistic."

The point is that it's not cool to call something a gift when it isn't. Do you get how a guest could be glad that a couple donated to a cause that's important to them (even instead of giving her chocolate), but be put off if the couple then claims that donation had anything to do with her, the guest? That is the point.

Look at it this way: my parents' favorite charity is different from mine. Would it be a gift to them if I donated to my favorite charity for Christmas? I either need to donate to a charity I think they like, or leave them out of it entirely. That's how I feel about my parents and I'd feel the same way about guests.

Also there is really no excuse for anyone to be uncivil to other posters in this discussion.



cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Donation as Favor
Posted: Aug 22, 2010 5:05 PM Go to message in response to: Feisty4942

Dear Feisty,

How much would it cost you to attach a little heart shaped chocolate, to your note?

I could care less either way which you do, and most people probably agree. I mean, favors are totally optional and no one misses them if they aren't provided.

However, AOTB and the others gave you excellent, reasoned and polite advice. You clearly want to attack them for it, which leads me to believe you'll also ignore it and do as you choose. So did you just want people to tell you how great you are for donating money?

Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,† People Offended by Offended People

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