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Cost of Ring Anxiety

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smalltownlady Posts : 16 Registered: 8/18/10
Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 18, 2010 4:00 PM

My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage a lot, and we both know that's the plan. He has a plan for the proposal (he tells me). He's asked me to tell him what ring style I like and I have.

But he's all flustered about the cost of the rings. I've told him I don't care how much he spends (I don't- I don't ever want to know) and that the ring is just a symbol of our commitment.

However, thanks to several of his friends, he's gotten it in his head that he needs to spend thousands on this ring. I am a professional, and he's blue collar and his friends keep telling him that a woman in my career has to have a crazy expensive ring- but that doesn't matter to me.

But he thinks it does- that he has to impress the people I work with with the ring. Honestly- its not important to me- when he was laid off during my birthday I told him not to spend money on a gift because he couldn't afford it. He's working again now, but I don't want him going into debt for me.

I love him and he loves me and that's what matters. Any ideas on how I can convince him that he doesn't need to spend thousands?

Edited by: smalltownlady on Aug 18, 2010 4:00 PM

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 18, 2010 4:55 PM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

dear STL,

If you want to marry this guy, you have to be able to communicate with him, honestly.

Do just that. Communicate your feelings honestly.

If he says "Oh, no, you don't really mean that.", then ask him why he would think you would lie to him about your true feelings.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 18, 2010 5:07 PM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

AOTB is right. Heck, print out what you posted here and show him.

 

 

 

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smalltownlady Posts : 16 Registered: 8/18/10
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 18, 2010 5:47 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Thank-you both for you replies.

We have talked about this a lot. It's not that he doesn't believe me- he just says I deserve the best, and he wants to give it to me.

That said, I'm happy with any ring, and he think he needs to spend at least $5,000.00. That seems like a ridiculous price for a piece of jewelery- I'd be afraid of losing or wrecking something worth that much.

Am I the one who is way off base? Now that he's working again he makes good money, but I just think it could be spent more wisely than on a ring.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 18, 2010 7:40 PM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

Dear STL,

"It's not that he doesn't believe me- he just says I deserve the best, and he wants to give it to me. "

Well, great.

Ask yourself this question: Is he waiting until he can afford "the best" so he can stall for a few more months, more years, more decades? Some guys do that.

Make your own private deadline for when you will either be engaged or you will walk. If he comes through before then, great. If not, then declare yourself to be single and go out where you can meet marriage-minded men who won't drag their feet.

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basodie Posts : 6 Registered: 8/18/10
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 18, 2010 9:47 PM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

I don't think you're off-base. But it also sounds like this isn't really about you - it's about your co-workers/other people.

I would try to convince him with empirical evidence - look up the kind of test someone would need to tell if something's a real diamond (all of which involve taking the ring off, as far as I know) and ask him whether any of your co-workers will be able to tell whether the darn thing's real. Hopefully he'll see that with the kind of rocks and metals they have now, a non-pro observer won't know how expensive the ring was! So if you don't care, he shouldn't either.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 18, 2010 11:16 PM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

have you told him you'd be uncomfortable with a ring that expensive? I know I'd be uncomfortable wielding a piece of jewelry like that.

Is there something you really like?

Honestly, if you have a piece of jewelry you really like, you could show him something like that. Tell him that you don't want something so expensive you'd feel like a walking target...or like you'd constantly have to worry about the ring. You want a ring that suits your lifestyle.

Misty

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CapeTownBride Posts : 37 Registered: 4/16/10
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 3:52 AM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

All round great advice so far!

Have you considered sending him to a diamond consumer information website, like www.pricescope.com? On a website like that he'll learn that he can buy you a real diamond ring that looks like it cost thousands, while spending a reasonable amount of money.

For instance, buying online from a website like www.briangavindiamonds.com or www.whiteflash.com or even www.bluenile.com is frequently up to 50% cheaper than buying from a brick and mortar store. No, I'm not marketing those sites, I don't earn a commission from them, but I do think that living in the states gives you more options than living where I do, and it would be silly not to take advantage of those options!

Have a look at what's on offer at those three sites (Brian Gavin is my favourite for bling pr0n!) and see how easily you can get the ring of your dreams without killing his bank account!

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smalltownlady Posts : 16 Registered: 8/18/10
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 2:06 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Thank-you again everyone- this is helping put it in perspective.

AOTB- I'm not concerned that he's stalling, but I appreciate you pointing out the possibility. He wants to get married as much as I do- he's the one who initiates the conversations about it.

Its just that he's worried about other people- that's the essence of this. I have never been a diva or into material things, but the profession I work in is all about appearances. Its worked for me to ignore all that, but he finds it disconcerting.

I've told him I'm afraid of anything super expensive because I don't want to lose it.

I've been hands off on this- I told him the style I liked when he asked, but I don't want to be involved in the ring choice. I guess what I need to do is get more involved and help him find something.

Thanks for all your help!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 2:16 PM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

Dear STL,

" but I don't want to be involved in the ring choice. I guess what I need to do is get more involved and help him find something."

A lot of people say that. They want the ring, itself, to be a surprise.

However... I would want to choose my own ring. It will be on my finger. If it's too heavy, too tiny, too whatever, I'm going to be bugged by that for the rest of my life.

I have a friend who is wearing an heirloom wedding ring that belonged to her husband's grandmother. She has, privately, told me that she would have preferred something else, but this is the ring her husband gave her and this is the ring she wears.

She's wearing it and her husband is happy, but in her heart she wishes she could have picked out something different.

What you do is your business. You came here because you have an issue with your boyfriend and need suggestions on how to approach him about the issue. That's great.

My last suggestion would be to print out this message thread and give it to him, then use that as a springboard for further discussion.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 19, 2010 3:26 PM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

One way to put it to him is to remind him that his finances will very soon be both of your finances. In other words, money he is spending towards a ring could go towards a wedding, a house, a vacation, etc. . .and that you'd rather have those things. Starting off that coversation would be a good way to start talking about what the both of you think is important, financially.

I work in an environment where there are plenty of 10K+ wedding rings floating about, and big houses, and lots of expensive dinners and vacations. Frankly, to compete with that would be exhausting, expensive, and stressful. I'd remind him that that is NOT the way you want to start your lives together. . .what's next? Who has the bigger house? Who has the nicer car? And -- cause it's inevitable -- who has the nicer wedding?

One final thought: My husband thinks similarly to yours. As a result, I have a pretty expensive ring. I love it -- don't get me wrong. But he went into debt to pay for it. And now we are both paying for it; once we got married, paying off his credit card became a big priority for me. So, while I love it, it is not the way I would've chosen to start our lives together.

Something for the two of you to think about. Good luck!

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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angiebgreat Posts : 11 Registered: 8/20/10
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 20, 2010 4:11 PM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

After reading so many great responses from everyone I still havent heard if you two have even went out together to actually look at rings and have been able to identify what dollar amount goes with each ring. Maybe he is hearing the "bigger the diamond the better" or "you gotta spend some bucks man". Maybe you sitting down and acutally seeing what dollar value goes with the rings will show you what direction you want to go in. BOTH OF YOU!

Also I have to agree with the gal who talked about concept of shopping around. Whether it is online or in a brick and motar shop its always fun to go look. But there are deals to be made out there!

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 20, 2010 4:29 PM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

Maybe you just need to suggest that he go shopping with you as some others suggested to see what things really cost. My DH was the same way, he really wanted to spend a lot of money. And he was nervous about it too. But once I let him know (literally SPELLED. IT. OUT.) what I wanted, then I think he felt more comfortable with everything. People hear "diamond, carat, gold" and panic. But it doesn't HAVE to be as much.

And like MsD, my DH spent a lot, and he went into debt. It's really a whatever situation and he did put a lot of cash towards it as well. And Ms. D is also right, it's exhausting trying to keep up with people. I deal with it all the time. Houses, cars, vacations, kids. We can't afford any of it! But we deal with it knowing that we're working on paying down debts and saving towards our future!

a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/">

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 23, 2010 2:57 PM Go to message in response to: smalltownlady

Most people can't tell a diamond from a cubic z from a moissanite anyway--so, be sure that if he gets you an expensive ring, you wear the pricetag where people can see it--otherwise, they'll never know!

You can have a big sparkler with a flaw the size of the Grand Canyon--and nobody else will know. You can have something small and perfect that costs a fortune--and nobody will know (or care).

I have a friend who is a surgeon's wife. They have three houses, 2 Mercedes, a major art collection, Cartier and Rolex watches, blah, blah. Until their 25th anniversary, she did not have a diamond ring. He got her one (and not that big, since she's very petite) for their anniversary. Neither she nor anyone else who knew them ever gave any thought to the fact that she was walking around without a big rock on her finger. Even now, she does not wear it on a daily basis. It's just not that important to either of them, and they DO have the money to afford it.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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smalltownlady Posts : 16 Registered: 8/18/10
Re: Cost of Ring Anxiety
Posted: Aug 24, 2010 11:23 AM Go to message in response to: myras

Thank-you everyone for your thoughtful responses.

We were in a mall a few weeks ago and he pulled me in a jewelery store to find out what style I liked. That's what set off this whole discussion between us.

We had a good talk about it this weekend and I think we came to a compromise. Like Mikaylak suggested I told him if he wanted to spend money on the band he could, but not to focus on the diamond. I don't need or want a crazy big rock that will catch on everything. If 25 years down the road or something he wants to "upgrade" the diamond, I told him he can, but that its not necessary.

So I think its all good :) And I want to thank you ladies for your help in suggesting ways to have this conversation.

Now I just wait haha.

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