Family/FH troubles... Advice?

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Bitty1990 Posts : 20 Registered: 3/28/10
Family/FH troubles... Advice?
Posted: Aug 11, 2010 7:48 PM

Let me start with some background-
My Mother was only 19 when became pregnant with me and her family freaked out and forced her to marry my biological father. He was abusive and ended up in prison more than once, so she divorced him when I was only a few months old. When I was 15 months, she traveled across the states to marry my step-dad. He's a fairly great guy, and until I was six or seven, I never knew that he was really my father.
When Mom told me, she told my half-sister (whom I've always considered to be my full sister). This has provided my sister with years of ammo against me.
I figured she'd eventually grow up and leave it alone, however, now that I'm 19 and she's 16, she still says nasty things about the situation.
Let me point out that I've never had any contact with my bio-father, and I call my step-dad "Dad" and I never think of him as my step-dad except when I'm explaining about the two. I'm also as nice as I can be to my sister, I help her, take her places, and I don't yell at her for entering my room without permission (something she freaks out over).

My FH came with us on our "last" family vacation, and afterwards, he sat me down and told me that either I need to talk to my Mom about my sister's behavior or he will.
When we moved into our current house, if I was upstairs, and she was upstairs, she would try to push me down the stairs, and not in a joking way. I told my Mom that she was trying to do so, but Mom waved me off.
I know that Mom isn't going to listen to me, because she honestly sees nothing wrong with my sister's behavior. FH however is tired of me being upset, and he wants something done about it.
In all honesty, I'm prepared to sit it out until April when I get married and move out. However, my FH won't wait that long.
So... What do I do?

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Family/FH troubles... Advice?
Posted: Aug 11, 2010 8:05 PM Go to message in response to: Bitty1990

Bitty,
It is great, absolutely wonderful, that your man wants to protect you and stand up for you.

However, the big rule in families is this:
If there is a problem with MY family, then I need to deal with it or my DH looks like a dick.

If there is a problem with HIS family, then HE needs to deal with it or I end up looking like a bitch.

That's just how it is. Mom didn't listen to you. She's not going to listen to him. But do keep telling your mom. And you might consider getting an apartment and moving in together before the wedding. When mom asks why, be honest and tell her: Because apparently I need to have my neck broken before you will believe me about my sister. As I do not want, or need, a broken neck, I've decided to move out.

Truly, your FH should not be the one telling your mom about this, but if he wants to help you set up secret videos that you can use to show your mom what is going on, that would not be a bad idea.

Misty

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Family/FH troubles... Advice?
Posted: Aug 11, 2010 8:19 PM Go to message in response to: Bitty1990

Dear Bitty,

I agree with Cat.

Your FH should not take it upon himself to deal with your family.

However, you need to stand up for yourself. If your mother waves you off, then press the point. What is your dad doing during all this?

If you believe your house is physically dangerous due to your sister's actions, then you can move out. If it is a case of physical assualt, you can contact the police.

"Mom, I am seriously concerned about Sister's behavior to me. I believe I am in physical danger staying in this house. She has tried to push me down the stairs, for example, more than once. I have a few options here. I am asking for your help and Dad's help in controlling her. I can move out of the house. Finally, I can contact the police and report domestic violence."

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Bitty1990 Posts : 20 Registered: 3/28/10
Re: Family/FH troubles... Advice?
Posted: Aug 11, 2010 8:59 PM Go to message in response to: Bitty1990

Dad is a truck driver and therefore only home 3 days month, if that. When he is home, he does everything Mom tells him to, without question.
I did move out of state last year, to be with my FH and his family, and my Mom is still furious over that. I moved back because FH will be moving out near my house, and it makes sense for me to live here since it is near my school.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Family/FH troubles... Advice?
Posted: Aug 11, 2010 9:35 PM Go to message in response to: Bitty1990

Dear Bitty,

" and it makes sense for me to live here since it is near my school."

It does not make sense to live where you are in danger of violence.

Are there no other options?

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Family/FH troubles... Advice?
Posted: Aug 12, 2010 7:58 AM Go to message in response to: Bitty1990

Get out of there if your mom isn't willing to listen to reason. Pissing her off by moving out is a small price to pay for your health.

Do you have friends nearby that you could stay with until you can find something more permanent? How long until FH moves to your area? And the previous posters are completely correct in telling you to file a police report if your sister lays a hand on you again. I know it's hard because she's your little sister, and you love her, but your safety and wellbeing comes first.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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dogbride Posts : 41 Registered: 4/22/10
Re: Family/FH troubles... Advice?
Posted: Aug 12, 2010 10:28 AM Go to message in response to: Bitty1990

You can always contact domestic violence agencies in your area. They can assist with housing, protection, etc.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Family/FH troubles... Advice?
Posted: Aug 12, 2010 12:06 PM Go to message in response to: Bitty1990

I agree with what Cat said and also I want to say that where you are living is not a healthy environment. Can you possibly move in with a friend until you save enough to move out? I would save save save every penny so you can move out asap! Try not to wait until you get married, you need to leave now.

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juxcallmebna12br1 Posts : 1 Registered: 8/12/10
Re: Family/FH troubles... Advice?
Posted: Aug 12, 2010 2:43 PM Go to message in response to: Bitty1990

Stay strong and hang in there. Family matters are always tough to deal with.

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STBMrsBW Posts : 21 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: Family/FH troubles... Advice?
Posted: Aug 13, 2010 1:59 PM Go to message in response to: Bitty1990

Wow. That is really a horrible situation you are in. You def need to get out asap. But don't think that moving out is going to make things stop with your sister. It may, or it may not. Your mom may just be blind to your sisters actions because all mothers, myself included, have been guilty of not seeing some of the ugly truths of their children. We chose to see the good and the love and make exscuses for their bad actions. Your mom may just think it is a sisterly fight or because of her past with your bio dad she may not be able to handle facing the fact that her own child is an abuser.
Get out and like others have said let your mom know why. She needs to face facts and fast. As for you FH, don't be surprised if he does confront your family. At first he may look like a jerk by doing so but in the end it will work out the way it should. If it takes him standing up for you for others to see the truth then so be it. And perhaps he should just wait until the right moment when he catches your sister in the act of one of her nasty spells and calls her on it in front of your mother. The nanny cam idea is a great one too! Just know that going into this marriage you both will become even more protective of each other. That is the way it should be. You two are off to a great start there.

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Re: Family/FH troubles... Advice?
Posted: Sep 24, 2012 9:42 PM Go to message in response to: Bitty1990

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