What Should I do

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grantd2089 Posts : 1 Registered: 12/19/07
What Should I do
Posted: Aug 12, 2010 1:38 PM

My boyfriend and I will be together for 3 years this upcoming October. I've tried to discuss marriage with him but he never likes to discuss it and shrugs off the conversation. He always tells me that he does plan on marrying me but I'm concerned when. I'm not a patient lady and although I understand he wants to wait till after college to do this, I feel as if he does not understand an engagement can take place during my time in school and wedding after. I feel like I'm losing all sanity, with my friends lives moving on with their boyfriends turning into husbands and my life being stagnant. Also, I have fallen in love with a career path that would lead me out of the country, as much as I want my boyfriend to join me, we would have to be married, this gives him a year and a half to make this commitment to me, but I doubt he'll even take advantage of it. I do love my boyfriend and do any/everything to make him happy (even trying not to talk about the whole marriage thing). I feel like if he loved me, he would do this one thing for me to make me the happiest girl on earth. So this is where I need your help, I am trying my hardest to be supportive, understanding, and patient, but right now its wearing me out, any tips on what I can do to take my mind off of wedded life?

Ashley<3Andrew

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: What Should I do
Posted: Aug 12, 2010 2:21 PM Go to message in response to: grantd2089

"I feel like if he loved me, he would do this one thing for me to make me the happiest girl on earth. "

I wouldnt say this is like "honey if you loved me you'd take the garbage out tonight". Getting married is not "this one thing". It's huge.

Why can't you go off and follow your career? Then when you come back decide where everything stands? Trust me, you're still in school and that should be the most important thing. You have your whole life to be married, but you don't have your whole life to enjoy your early 20s in a different country with a million opportunities!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: What Should I do
Posted: Aug 12, 2010 7:14 PM Go to message in response to: grantd2089

Dear Grant,

Here is what I suggest.

Take some time for yourself, and look at the calendar. Pick a date that will be your own personal private deadline for getting engaged.

It might be a year before you graduate, for example. Any date, just so long as it makes logical sense to you.

Don't tell anyone, not even your boyfriend. If you tell your boyfriend, it will sound like an ultimatum. "Propose by 1/1/11 or I'll break up with you."

No, don't do that.

Once you have this date in mind, then relax. Live your life, enjoy your boyfriend's company, enjoy your friends, and be open to friendships with other marriage-minded men.

If the deadline comes and goes, then it's time for you to cut your losses. You tell your boyfriend "I'm sorry, but I expected to be engaged by now. You and I do not share the same goals in terms of marriage. I need to get out into the world and meet someone who has similar marriage goals."

Then, break up. Be single. Be open to what Life has to offer.

***

The reason I tell you this is that there are a whole lot of people out there who don't have any desire whatsoever to get married. My own two adult sons are just like that. They love women, they love dating and (I assume) they enjoy sex. Great. Neither has any desire to get married.

So, if a person who wants to get married (eventually) is dating someone who doesn't want to get married (ever), there's no compromise, no common ground.

You don't want to stay with this guy, nice and loving as he may be, year after year, decade after decade, waiting for marriage. My two sons are nice guys, too, really decent, but I would advise any marriage-minded young lady to look elsewhere.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: What Should I do
Posted: Aug 12, 2010 7:16 PM Go to message in response to: grantd2089

Dear Grant,

" I feel like if he loved me, he would do this one thing for me to make me the happiest girl on earth."

There is your fallacy. He may really love you. Great.

He just doesn't want to get married. Why should he do something he doesn't want to do? Why should he tie himself down when he is not inclined to be tied down?

I got married because I wanted to get married, not because I felt responsible for someone else's happiness.

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Kimberly212 Posts : 972 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: What Should I do
Posted: Sep 19, 2012 8:35 PM Go to message in response to: grantd2089

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Kimberly212 Posts : 972 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: What Should I do
Posted: Sep 19, 2012 8:44 PM Go to message in response to: grantd2089

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