Need Financial Help From FH For Wedding Costs

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Orbital199 Posts : 92 Registered: 10/12/09
Need Financial Help From FH For Wedding Costs
Posted: Aug 5, 2010 11:49 AM

I've been paying for almost all of the deposits and decor for the wedding myself. I could really use just a little financial backing from my FH on wedding costs. I've told him how much I've paid for so far and explained that I really only need a little bit of help covering some costs that have not been taken care of yet (I'm not even asking for 50%). I thought it would be nice if he could pay for half of the cake and some of the costs involved in decorations but gentle nudging doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. Am I taking a too leisurely approach with this? I never ask him for money so I'm not used to doing so now. Would it be best to just show him a set amount that I need rather than expect him to be involved with what he's actually paying for? How have you future brides, or experienced brides, managed the dividing of weddings costs with your FH or husband?

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Need Financial Help From FH For Wedding Costs
Posted: Aug 5, 2010 12:33 PM Go to message in response to: Orbital199

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but at first I thought you must be joking. A "gentle" approach? Isn't this his wedding, too? Aren't you entering a partnership? The concept of "community property' should start NOW. Your earnings are going to become fifty/fifty, and so should your financial obligations. So, his participation in wedding costs should be fifty/fifty.

Of course, I'm making some assumptions here. First of all, it sounds like parents are not contributing--is that right? Second, I'm assuming that he agrees with your wedding plans, not that you're planning an extravaganza over his objections--is that also right?

This isn't just about wedding planning. This is about the rest of your lives. if you've never discussed your financial arrangements for once you are married, now is the time.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Need Financial Help From FH For Wedding Costs
Posted: Aug 5, 2010 12:44 PM Go to message in response to: Orbital199

Dear Orbital,

I agree with Myra, "gentle nudging" is not the way to go.

Try: "Dude, I'm paying for everything and am running out of money doing so. How about you paying your share? As in 50:50?"

I suspect the problem lies deeper than just wedding costs. Do you know each others' net worth? Have you seen his checking account? Do you know if he has a 401(k) or an IRA? Do you know if he has decent credit?

You need to put all wedding plans on hold until you both "open the kimono" and talk frankly about money. I know it's tough. It's easier to dream about tulle and flowers than dollars and cents.

In many messages in this website I have plugged a book that was written for engaged couples:

Financally Ever After by Jeff D Opdyke.

Mr Opdyke is a personal finance journalist for the Wall Street Journal. In other words, he's not some hack. WSJ is one of the most respected financial publications in the world, and they only hire top-flight people.

I seriously suggest you get that book, read it, then give it to FH to read. Next, "open the kimono" and see what the other has in terms of financial assets. You need to enter the marriage with your eyes open.

Remember, community property is also community debt. If he is in deep debt, and with poor credit scores, your own credit could be damaged, too.

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Orbital199 Posts : 92 Registered: 10/12/09
Re: Need Financial Help From FH For Wedding Costs
Posted: Aug 5, 2010 1:46 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Myras,

My parents are major contributors to the wedding, but in order to lift some of the financial burden from them I've offered to cover some of the expenses such as the photography deposit, wedding party expenses, cake, and decor.

This won't be an extravagant wedding and we're utilizing as many DIY options as possible to save on costs, which is the way we agreed to keep it. I feel that, as you said, this is his wedding too. I don't expect him to get excited over napkin colors and centerpieces, but I would like to see him more caring about some of the responsibilities that I'm managing and offer to help.

Auntofthebride,

I'm definitely going to pick up that book. Thank you for the suggestion. He and I both need a lesson in how to manage our money as a couple. It's a topic that has always been difficult to lasso because up until this point we've managed our money separately. I'm aware of his financial history and his current finances but it's safe to say it needs a little repairing before the wedding day.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Need Financial Help From FH For Wedding Costs
Posted: Aug 5, 2010 8:02 PM Go to message in response to: Orbital199

Dear Orbital,

I bought the book and gave it to my husband to read, and we've been married 34 years.

The book outlines, politely, gently, what you both need to do. If you read it, then give it to FH, you'll have a neutral blueprint for financial disclosure. They have checklists where you can go down item by item.

It's a great way to get into each others' finances without sounding accusatory or mean.

Again, you must level with FH. If your parents are paying for most of the wedding, he might be assuming they are paying for everything. Tell him the truth and ask if he can help.

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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08
Re: Need Financial Help From FH For Wedding Costs
Posted: Aug 5, 2010 10:48 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

We are paying for the wedding and we don't "divide" the cost because we put all of our money together in one checking account and pay for everything out of there. There is no "my money" or "his money" but "our money".

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Need Financial Help From FH For Wedding Costs
Posted: Aug 6, 2010 2:02 PM Go to message in response to: Orbital199

"I would like to see him more caring about some of the responsibilities that I'm managing and offer to help."

OIK, so YOU offered to help you parents with expenses, and now you're expecting him to offer to help pick up the tab, but you have not clearly communicated this to him. Speak up, woman! He is not a mind-reader. Did you consult him before offering to pick up expenses? Yes, we all would like our men to care about what we care about, and we all would love to have them know exactly what's on our minds, all the time. But, in real life, you have to talk about things and you have to negotiate, especially where money is concerned.

So, tell him what agreement you've made with your parents, what it's going to cost (which doesn't sound like an enormous amount, since you're keeping expenses down), and ask him to share the cost. If he refuses, then that brings up lots of other questions (like, do you two have enough money for the wedding? Is he just cheap? Should you have agreed to spend money that you don't have without consulting him first? Do you two communicate on important issues?)

myra@classysassyweddings.com

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Orbital199 Posts : 92 Registered: 10/12/09
Re: Need Financial Help From FH For Wedding Costs
Posted: Aug 7, 2010 2:50 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Myras,
It was a joint decision to assist my parents with the wedding expenses. The problem has been solved. Thank you for your advice.

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HereComesTheGroom Posts : 9 Registered: 8/20/10
Re: Need Financial Help From FH For Wedding Costs
Posted: Aug 20, 2010 10:16 AM Go to message in response to: Orbital199

It would be great to get an update on how you and your FH ended up solving this issue.
My partner and I have been having the same issue and I don't quite know how to handle it. Since we aren't going to be recognized as a legally wed couple, the financial implications are a little bit more confusing, but any advice would help.
My partner is a small business owner, which also complicates things since I have nothing to do with the business, other than being a supportive listener when he comes home at night :)

"I love you. I honestly love you..." - ONJ

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Need Financial Help From FH For Wedding Costs
Posted: Aug 20, 2010 10:23 AM Go to message in response to: HereComesTheGroom

Dear Groom,

I'm thrilled to see a male same-sex couple here on our message board. We have a few female same-sex couples, already.

If you and your boyfriend are going to combine finances after you formally committ yourselves to each other, you might want to check out a really good book about finances for the engaged couple:

Financially Ever After by Jeff D Opdyke.

Mr Opdyke is a personal finance journalist with the Wall Street Journal. The book is excellent for anyone in any stage of a relationship.

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