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Dad want to walk me down the aisle

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rjulien24 Posts : 4 Registered: 6/7/06
Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 27, 2010 4:56 PM

Ok so my dad wants to walk me down the aisle but he's not my first pick. He was never really involved in my life and even now months can go by and I wouldn’t hear from him. He asked me last month who was walking me down the aisle I told him I don’t know yet maybe my mother. So last night he asked me if I decided and I said not yet, then he said his mom my grandmother said mothers don’t walk their daughters down the aisle, then he said I'm not dead, am I dead? But it’s like dude you really haven’t done anything for me why should he get the honor of walking me down the aisle. My cousin said I shouldn’t let him but he keeps asking because he might be embarrassed if he doesn’t get to. I really want my mom to walk me down the aisle but what do I do about my dad?

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VänTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 27, 2010 5:07 PM Go to message in response to: rjulien24

Just tell your dad straight out "I want Mom to walk me down the aisle." Or, walk alone.

If your dad tries to pitch a fit, say "It's nothing personal, really. My relationship with Mom is just a bit more tight knit, and it would really mean a lot to me to have her walk with me."

If he tries the Moms Don't Do That approach, then say "Well, there are a lot of old wedding traditions that we're not adhering to. For example, you're not paying FH a dowry for marrying me. He's decided not to throw me over his shoulder and run for the hills after we say 'I Do'. We're also not planning on presenting our bridal sheets to show we've consummated the marriage. Are these okay with you, or are we just being too radical, here?"

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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RebeccaFazzio Posts : 323 Registered: 10/28/07
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 27, 2010 5:35 PM Go to message in response to: VänTillBruden

First off: HAHAHAHAHA at Vaan.

That is too funny. Imagine if your husband did throw you over his shoulder and run off like a caveman!

OP:

My father isn't walking me down the aisle because frankly he's never been a good father and hasn't done a damn thing for me. With that said I don't speak to my father like you seem to do. My father isn't even invited to my wedding but from the sound of it yours is.

I wouldn't worry if he feels embarrassed. This is your day and if you don't want him at your side then he shouldn't be there. Besides, most of your family will understand why he isn't walking you and probably think he should feel embarrassed because he hasn't been a good father. Don't let him guilt you into it. I've seen plenty of brides being walked by their mother, father, or both. Traditional doesn't matter as much now that the nuclear family has changed. It isn't a Father, Mother, and two kids anymore!

Heck, my uncle is walking me down the aisle!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 27, 2010 6:20 PM Go to message in response to: rjulien24

Dear Rcox,

The choice of who the bride asks to walk her down the aisle is an intensely personal one. It is your decision and yours alone.

I don't care what you cousin, your neighbor, your 1st grade teacher say. It is your decision.

I am always amazed at the idea that a man can father a child, more or less ignore her while she's growing up, then suddenly step in and want all the glory on her wedding day. Sorry, I don't buy that.

If a young woman has a good relationship with her father, than by all means, that man would be her first choice. That's not the case with your father.

"said mothers don’t walk their daughters down the aisle"

They sure as heck do walk their daughters down the aisle. Especially when the mother has been the primary caring parent and the father has been absent.

I was fortunate. I had two loving parents. Of course I asked my father to walk me in. I also asked my mother. We all three walked in, side by side, me in the middle.

"I really want my mom to walk me down the aisle"

Then ask her, and do so with my blessing.

" but what do I do about my dad"

Tell him the truth. "Dad, I have asked Mom to walk me down the aisle. She has been the parent who raised me. You were not around most of the time. She has done 90% of the work, and should get the honor on my wedding day. My decision is final."

If he really wants to escort his daughter on W-Day, next time try sticking around for her childhood.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 27, 2010 6:24 PM Go to message in response to: rjulien24

Dear Rcox,

I'll add this.

I've seen many messages, just like yours, that ends with "I don't want to hurt my father.".

Huh??? (says I) Huh???

This little girl got hurt over and over when Daddy never had time for her. She got hurt when Daddy couldn't come to her ballet recital. She got hurt when Daddy forgot her birthday or had more important things to do when she graduated.

And, now, she's all worried that he could get hurt if she walks down the aisle with someone who had the time for her? Someone who went to those ballet recitals, those soccer games? Someone who sat and taught her fractions late in the evening? Who baked cupcakes for the school bake sale?

I don't give a hoot if that man gets hurt. Serves him right for abandoning a wonderful daughter.

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VänTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 27, 2010 8:47 PM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

Rebecca, I've (jokingly) told the boyfriend that when our day comes, he's allowed to throw me over his shoulder & run off like a caveman on the condition that I reserve the right to hit him over the head with a frying pan through out the course of our marriage, ala Wilma Flinstone. *;)

OP, please listen to AOTB. All jokes aside, this really is a personal decision. Don't let guilt skew your judgement just because you're afraid you'll hurt your dad's feelings. He'll get over it. But you may regret not walking with your mom every time you reflect upon your wedding day, and no one wants a cloud like that hanging over their heads.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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rjulien24 Posts : 4 Registered: 6/7/06
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 28, 2010 12:17 AM Go to message in response to: VänTillBruden

Thanks ladies, Mrs Vantillbruden your right I'm not a traditional bride, and i dont want to look back and say i really wish my mom had givien me away. At Mrs. Auntofthebride your absolutely right he wasnt there for a lot of things that happened in my life especially when he didnt live that far from me. He is invited, i wouldnt do that to him. i agree with all the ladies, maybe i should just let them both walk at least this way i still have my mom by my side.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 28, 2010 12:22 AM Go to message in response to: rjulien24

Dear Rcox,

You do whatever your heart tells you is right for you. Please believe me on this. You have only yourself to consider.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 28, 2010 8:10 AM Go to message in response to: rjulien24

Ask your mom to walk you in...and after she says yes, ask her how SHE would feel if both of them escort you in.

You're already considering allowing him to walk you in because you don't want to hurt him--not because you really want him at your side. Go ahead and talk this over with your FH and your mom. Get their input. Your mom might not want to walk in with your dad (BUT WOULD DO IT IF YOU TRULY WANTED TO). As you don't really want Dad there for anything other than conflict avoidance (don't want to hurt him), then see how others feel about him getting this honor.

For my second wedding, I asked both of my parents to escort me in. My dad was a little taken aback. So was my mom. My DH wanted to do a sword salute to them. My mother really didn't like that. She said "It looks more like he's taking you than we're giving you away." And when she said that, I told her POINT BLANK "you're not giving me away. You already did that the first time I got married." Her response? "Yeah, but that didn't take!" My answer: "That does not mean you got me back. I am my own person, and I'm giving myself. You're being asked if you will support the marriage. That's it."

She didn't like it. But I asked a few people about how they'd view the sword salute. They did think it sounded more like a 'taking' thing than a gesture of respect (mostly because most people don't do sword salutes anymore, so it would not be recognized as such.) So we cut that.

But my point is... my parents were not happy that they did not get to give me away. I did NOT capitulate to their wishes just so their feelings would not be hurt. In fact, I told my mom that if they could not accept that they were escorting me in, and offering ther support of the marriage, I'd be fine walking in alone.

Honey...stand up for what YOU want. Do not worry about what HE wants. Of course, if you want to tie a string to the walking down the aisle (Sure dad, you can walk me in. This is what it'll cost you: You're paying for the musicians/alcohol at the reception/etc...go right ahead! :) )

Misty

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 28, 2010 2:08 PM Go to message in response to: rjulien24

Follow your heart and do what YOU want to do. In the end it's all gonna come down to what will you do that you won't regret later on. Will you regret not having your father walking you down? Or will you regret having him walk you down?

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rjulien24 Posts : 4 Registered: 6/7/06
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 28, 2010 3:59 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

At Mrs. Catstandish, I would love to see what he would say if i told him he has to pay for all those things LOL. At Mrs. Cheetahangel I dont think I will regret him walking me down the aisle I just feel like he shouldnt get that honor. He is definitely not getting a father dauther dance we're going to skip that all together.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 30, 2010 8:34 PM Go to message in response to: rjulien24

If you don't feel he deserves it...he doesn't. And you do not have to give it to him.

Of course, I think you already know that's how we feel. You have to do what is going to be best for you. And trust me...I know that sometimes, it is easier to do something that will annoy you for five minutes than to fight about it for five hours. Is Dad going to shut up and respect your decision...or is he going to harp on it up to the wedding day if you say "you're not walking me in"...and then harp on it in perpetuity? And do you care :) ?

My 'give in' has typically been going to my parents' church on certain holidays. I dislike their preacher immensely. Before I got my own church, my parents expected me at theirs on holidays (Mom's Day, Dad's Day, Christmas and Easter)... I could go and be annoyed for an hour. Or I could NOT go and have a four hour fight with my parents over my failure to show up. From a cost analysis perspective: one hour with one person annoyed was better than four hours with three people pissed and fighting. I was going to spend at least an hour annoyed ANYWAY...so this was one hour vs four.

So, its time for your 'cost analysis' .

Does he deserve the honor? NO.

Is he going to be a pain in your butt for years to come? (will he be around and in your life? Will he harass you about it every time he sees you? "You didn't let me walk you in...what kind of a daughter are you?")

Do you care?

Those are the questions you have to answer...and we can't answer for you. My advice: don't let him walk you in so that he is not "hurt"... analyze it to what the cost to the present and the future will be. HIS feelings are irrelevant. YOUR feelings (present and future) are what matter here.

Good luck!

Misty

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Jul 31, 2010 12:20 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

"I dont think I will regret him walking me down the aisle I just feel like he shouldnt get that honor."

Then I agree with AOTB and with Cat: don't give him that honor if you don't feel like he deserves it. You think your mom does--so give the honor to her.

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ceeelle Posts : 1 Registered: 10/27/12
Re: Dad want to walk me down the aisle
Posted: Apr 19, 2013 4:09 PM Go to message in response to: rjulien24

Hi,
Hopefully you'll see this but I am going through the exact same thing right now. It seems there's a lot of "those" Dads out there. So, what did you end up doing? Do you have any regrets? Did your Dad ever get over it?
Thanks

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