Maid of Honor Second Thoughts

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BostonBride101010 Posts : 5 Registered: 7/16/10
Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Jul 16, 2010 3:05 PM

I think I made a bad choice for my maid of honor.

I opted for a friend who I have known for 8 years but we’re not the best of friends. We don’t really hang out outside of work and I don’t confide in her much. Fact is, I really have no best friend. I know people argue that can’t be true but it really is. Besides my fiancé, my mom and my two sisters, I have no one I really feel close to. I wanted just one person in my bridal party and neither of my sisters were thrilled at the idea, so I asked this friend of mine. But now I really regret it.

She isn’t the most reliable. She has helped a little but not much. She has two young kids so I can understand she’s busy. She also has not paid for anything. I bought her dress, her shoes, paid for her fitting and plan to cover a few other expenses. I am afraid to mention that my mom wants her to chip in $150 for the shower because I know she wont want to pay that. She has also complained about paying for the hotel overnight (we’re getting married a little far from home) and about having to take the Monday after the wedding off because we are turning this into a wedding holiday weekend. She also wants me to invite her two children but both me and my fiancé don’t want kids at the wedding.

And to top it off, one of her other friends bad-mouthed and instead of defending me, she complains that she is stuck in the middle of the two of us (mind you, I did nothing wrong, this girl just doesn’t like me! I hardly know her!!)

I have thought about “firing” her as maid of honor but then I’m out the only friend I have…and I need to find another person to fill in… and I’m out the money for her dress.

Oh, and I have less than three months to go.

What should I do?

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Jul 16, 2010 3:26 PM Go to message in response to: BostonBride101010

Dear BB,

Seeing as how you already have the dress, and how there is no one to take her place, I'd say just let sleeping dogs lie and keep her in place.

Sure, it sucks. She's being a jerk.

Just figure on her doing no more than showing up on The Day suitably dress. She's not willing to contribute anything else.

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STBMrsBW Posts : 21 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Jul 16, 2010 3:34 PM Go to message in response to: BostonBride101010

First off, I'm sorry things are getting stressful this close to the wedding. It sucks. But you have a hard choice to make. Either you try and work with her or you let her go. Are your sisters in your wedding? If not then you should appoint one of them as MOH but since they aren't crazy about it let them know you aren't expecting much. You just need someone to be there for you on the big day. Are there any other friend's that you have that you could ask? If so, try one that fits close to the same size as your current MOH so a new dress doesn't have to be purchased. BTW, if you kick her out of your wedding then I feel the dress belongs to you, you paid for everything. If she didn't want to be your MOH then she should've said no. As far as the kids at the wedding it is tough luck for her. You are the bride so you get to make that choice. My cousin put that stipulation on his wedding and I wasn't able to go because I don't trust anyone with my kids overnight (it was 6 hours away and my family would be there so no luck on sitters there)so I couldn't go. But I didn't hold that against them, I supported them and still sent a gift and my love. Your MOH knew this and should've thought about it before committing. You could also consider a sitter for during the ceremony and reception. If you have a couple teens in the family you could pay them $50 each to watch the kids in a seperate room during the events.
You must do what makes you happy. A flaky MOH isn't a good thing. But the money part may be that she doesn't have it, kids take up a lot of money. You may want to sit down and talk to her about everything and tell her your concerns. Let her know that if she isn't up to the task then it is ok with you and you can find someone else. If she says she will shape up and doesn't then it is time to boot her but be prepared for the cold shoulder at work.

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BostonBride101010 Posts : 5 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Jul 16, 2010 3:36 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I figured I would have to do as much. But my biggest issue is my mom! She is complaining about paying for the shower, and that my MOH should be contributing to it, esp since I bought her dress and shoes for her. But I know my MOH won't (she'll cry poor) and it's like why ask, and stir up more drama. I am debating just handing my mom and envelope with the money and pretending its from my MOH. I've told my mom that the money most likely wont come and my mom is like, well then I'll call her. Great idea mom.

I should have eloped!!!

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SarahSarah Posts : 93 Registered: 10/9/09
Re: Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Jul 16, 2010 4:00 PM Go to message in response to: BostonBride101010

You know, it sounds like she really can't afford to be in your wedding.

You have had to already pay for her dress/shoes/etc. You already know she probably won't pay $150 towards your shower. The wedding is a weekend long, she can't bring her children, and she has to take off work.

Would she have to pay someone to watch her kids that long? Will she have paid time off from work?

If that would be the situation, I would have a talk with her, and she if she wants to opt out, I would let her. You being out your money vs. the financial strain on her is no comparison.

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SarahSarah Posts : 93 Registered: 10/9/09
Re: Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Jul 16, 2010 4:10 PM Go to message in response to: BostonBride101010

And regarding your MOH's friend bad mouthing you - did she as well? You said she didn't defend you, but just said she was 'stuck in the middle'. Well, she IS stuck in the middle! That's nothing negative, she was just stating her position. I would have been neutral and said the same thing - she is friends with both of you, she doesn't need to take sides.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Jul 16, 2010 4:31 PM Go to message in response to: BostonBride101010

Dear BB,

" But my biggest issue is my mom! She is complaining about paying for the shower"

There's a simple answer to that. Forget the shower. No need for Mom or Flaky MOH to further impoverish themselves.

Besides, as you said you have few close friends, who are you planning to invite to a shower? A shower is supposed be a party hosted by the bride's friend and including her other close friends. If you are scraping the bottom of the barrel for a MOH, I can't imagine who you would invite to a shower.

Just skip it entirely. Don't go sending invoices to MOH for her "share". Besides, it's poor etiquette for a mother to host a shower for a daughter.

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BostonBride101010 Posts : 5 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Jul 16, 2010 4:41 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

She knew the plans for the wedding before hand so its not a shocker to her. She seemed excited when I asked her but now it seems she could care less. I don't mind paying for things, and its not the end of the world if she misses the post wedding brunch. Its just frustrating that I have my mom harping on me about money for a shower my MOH should technically be throwing. I also havent been able to get her to help with assembling my invitations, and when I mentioned getting together to do the favors and such, as well as scheduling her fitting, its like pulling teeth. It wouldnt be so bad if I had other bridesmaids, but she's it.

And as for the talking behind my back, the full story behind it was that this girl was insulting our lunch group and my fiance overheard her. He truly thinks this girl was bad mouthing my MOH but she told my MOH it was me she doesnt like. My MOH doesnt like having people dislike her so instead of standing up for me, and for herself, she has opted to act like it was me the girl didnt like. My fiance actually wanted me to drop my MOH for this reason because he feels like after being friends with us for 8 years, she could show a little loyalty. Shes not that close with this girl but I think she just wants everyone to like her.

It hadnt bothered me until today when she said to me that I was putting her in the middle of things when I didnt even do anything!

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BostonBride101010 Posts : 5 Registered: 7/16/10
Re: Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Jul 16, 2010 4:56 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Too late on that. My mom and sisters had already had it planned and sent out invites before telling me they needed my MOHs number so they could tell her what her share was. I honestly didnt want a shower but as my mom says "how else do you get gifts". Dont you love it??? And I told my mom to not count on my MOHs share, esp since my mom wants this shower so bad.

And I never knew that shower guest list rule until today. Maybe its different here in Mass. I get invited to showers all the time, even when I am not invited to the wedding. And they are usually big showers of 50-150 women!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Jul 16, 2010 5:28 PM Go to message in response to: BostonBride101010

Dear BB,

" My mom and sisters had already had it planned and sent out invites before telling me they needed my MOHs number so they could tell her what her share was."

Mom and Sis are totally out of line. They planned a party, then after the fact they hound a third party for her supposed share?

I'd be royally pissed if anyone did that to me, and I'd probably be not all that excited about any other wedding related events.

You'll be lucky if MOH even shows up. If I were in her shoes, I'd seriously consider bailing.

"I'm sorry, but I do not have the $150 your mother seems to think I owe here. All things considered, I think it best if I step down and let someone with deeper pockets take the place of MOH. Bye bye forever."

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2dBride Posts : 158 Registered: 3/16/09
Re: Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Jul 17, 2010 12:04 AM Go to message in response to: BostonBride101010

The duties of a MOH are to show up on the day, dressed according to your guidelines--nothing else. In particular, they are not required to organize or pay for a shower. (Anyone not related to you can plan a shower if they volunteer--but if no such person volunteers, you just don't have one.) They are not required to help out with wedding planning.

You could ask her whether the need to take off from work and find a babysitter for her children makes being your MOH too much for her financially, and tell her you would understand if she wanted to step down. But please, do not go after her for the $150 or blame her for not helping at this stage.


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Re: Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Sep 15, 2012 7:25 PM Go to message in response to: BostonBride101010

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Re: Maid of Honor Second Thoughts
Posted: Dec 13, 2012 7:08 PM Go to message in response to: BostonBride101010

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