How do you get over your FH cheating?

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Dani303 Posts : 18 Registered: 6/3/10
How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Jul 2, 2010 12:00 AM

Hi All,

so my partner went on a business trip and while he was over there we had MAJOR fights...i spent most of the month telling him on the phone that i wasnt sure if i loved him anymore and i thought i needed a break...by the time he got home i was sure i wanted to be with him...but then that night he got a txt from some women...he broke down and admitted that he had slept with her 3 times...because he thought we were over...that he even spoke to me on the phone while she was at his hotel and he told her he was speaking to his parents.

SO...

After a lot of soul searching and couples counselling...ive decided i want to give him another shot...the way i acted and the way i treated him was unacceptable and i can see my part in this all....even tho i hate him for what he has done..him cheating is out of his character....what i want to know is there anyone else out there that has had this happen?

did you manage to work it out..how do you trust again and get the mental images out of your head of your parnter with another women...or should i just go and get revenge sex??

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Jul 2, 2010 12:17 AM Go to message in response to: Dani303

Dear Dani,

"...or should i just go and get revenge sex??"

No.

That will just make things worse. You know darn will that is wrong.

Here is my suggestion. You are in counseling, and from what you wrote it sounds like it's doing some good.

Continue with the counseling.

You don't really know the end result, not yet. You are in the fifth inning with the score tied. The outcome is still very uncertain.

You both may decide, eventually, that the relationship is just too damaged to continue on into a marriage. Or, you may find that time heals the wounds.

You need to let the process work. Stay with it, but listen to that still voice inside you telling you what is right for you. After all, something prompted the fight in the first place.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Jul 2, 2010 12:20 AM Go to message in response to: Dani303

even tho i hate him for what he has done.. (paraphrased) or should i just go and get revenge sex??

Continue with your counseling. DO NOT MARRY HIM.

You are not remotely over his cheating if this is what you are saying.

And yes, I also agree with AOTB.

 

 

 

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Dani303 Posts : 18 Registered: 6/3/10
Re: How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Jul 2, 2010 12:25 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Can i ask if either of you have been cheated on? do you think forgiveness is possible?..

i just dont understand how i can still feel like i really want to be with him and love him so much..but hate him for hurting me so much and almost destroying us.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Jul 2, 2010 1:10 AM Go to message in response to: Dani303

Honestly, no I have never been in an 'adult' relationship, been cheated on and been able to forgive them.

I have younger relationships that have gotten there - heck, we've all been young (i.e. high school).

I don't know that I would be able to forgive my DH for cheating - totally truthful as it has not happened to me. I hope it's a bridge I never have to cross.

I also believe that counseling is a wonderful tool.

Know that acting out is NOT what you should do and if you truly care about your relationship, then you work for it.

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Jul 2, 2010 10:11 AM Go to message in response to: Dani303

Dear Dani,

"i just dont understand how i can still feel like i really want to be with him and love him so much..but hate him for hurting me so much and almost destroying us."

You want to turn back the hands of time and go back to the way it was before. That's only human.

But, still, there's this huge issue.

You need to continue in counseling. There is nothing strangers on an internet message board can do for you that your counselor cannot do.

There are people out there who manage to forgive their spouse's cheating. And there are those who cannot. It all depends on the individual and their circumstances.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Jul 2, 2010 11:05 AM Go to message in response to: Dani303

If you believe the statistics, between 40-70% of men cheat, and between 20-30% of women. I assume that not all these people divorce.

So, forgiveness is possible.

Doesn't mean that you should marry him. (I echo completely the sentiments above about counseling). But, just so you know, yes, it is possilbe to get over it. The only question is - Can you?

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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mainstdancer08 Posts : 140 Registered: 3/27/08
Re: How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Jul 3, 2010 11:11 AM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

It takes time to forgive someone who has hurt you (trust me I know), also whatever you do DO NOT have revenge sex. My suggestion is to continue with your counselor and DO NOT MARRY HIM.

Daisypath Anniversary tickers

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rjulien24 Posts : 4 Registered: 6/7/06
Re: How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Jul 28, 2010 5:07 PM Go to message in response to: Dani303

Honey if you truly love him then stay in counseling. I have a suggestion for you get this book called love and respect, i just finished reading it last month and it really opened up my eyes and I have a new found understanding about our relationship. This book not only talks about how to love your man in his onw way and get over obstacles but it also tell you what you need and want out of the realtionship and if you can apply the priciple then i think your marriage will last a lifetime. I will tell you this no realationship is easy and it takes a lot of work and healing for you to get over this one obstacle in your life but if you do the work things will get better.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Jul 29, 2010 8:10 AM Go to message in response to: Dani303

Dani:

I'm with some of the others. This is that argument from "Friends". Rachel and Ross are together. She tells him she needs a break. He goes and has sex with someone while she is writing a 30 page letter to him about what she feels. She finds out and thinks he cheated. His refrain through the end of the show, everytime she brings it up: "We were on a BREAK!"

Bottom line: when he slept with that other woman, you two were not together. You were on a break. That means: to him, you broke up with him.

You might have thought: I need some space to be by myself and think and evaluate. Let's talk in a couple days. However, what he heard was: "I'm breaking up with you and calling off the engagement."

Ergo: he did not cheat on you. He may not have waited as long as you would have liked; however, you two were on a break and not in a relationship when he did this.

Does it hurt? Yes. Did he cheat on you while you two were engaged? Nope.

But do continue the counselling. You both need to communicate with one another where the end result is that if the relationship is called off, it is called off with deliberation and thoughtfullness, not just a heat of the moment thing. That's kind of adolescent, in the lines of arguing with your parents, stomping to your room and shouting "I HATE YOU!"

Misty

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Dani303 Posts : 18 Registered: 6/3/10
Re: How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Aug 9, 2010 11:15 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Hey Guys,

Thanks heaps for all your advice. I do remember that Ross and Rachel one....i guess he didnt cheat on me....but god it hurts so dam much...i just dont understand why he just couldnt have said NO.

Its been 5mnths now and i still have no trust in him...infact ive actually started to have no respect for him..and starting to view him as weak....

The thing is that i still love him and want to have him in my life and be with him...but i still cant help wondering....what if there is someone else out there that is my soulmate...or someone else that is better suited to me that wont ever betray me in this way...

any suggestions on how to get respect back for your partner after this?

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Kimberly212 Posts : 972 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Sep 12, 2012 8:18 AM Go to message in response to: Dani303

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Re: How do you get over your FH cheating?
Posted: Sep 15, 2012 1:01 AM Go to message in response to: Dani303

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