I'd love some advice from anyone who has had to deal with a difficult mother or mother in law.

I'm 26, have two young children of my own (from a previous relationship), and got engaged on Christmas Day 2009. My mother separated from my father when I was about 3 years old, and she has been quietly bitter towards him ever since.

My mom and I have never gotten along very well, in fact, the only reason we still talk is because I am trying to foster a positive relationship between her and my kids. She has remarried, and her husband is not really close with me or my brother (my only sibling).

When my fiance proposed on Christmas Day, my mother was not present because she chose to spend the day at her home (hours away) instead of being with me, my kids, my bf/fiance, his mother, and my father. When she found out that everyone else was present for the proposal, and she wasn't, she assumed that they were all informed it was going to happen, and she was intentionally left out. This was not the case, my father didn't know, he chose to be there because he wanted to spend Christmas with us. My fiance had asked my father for his blessing in asking me to marry him, and this was also a problem for my mother.

I made sure to call her first after the proposal, because I know how she wants everything to be about her, and needs to know things first. She seemed happy.

A little while later, my fiance received a phone call, and I didn't realize at the time that it was my mother's husband.

He said that my fiance had made two huge mistakes. First: asking my father instead of my mother for my hand. Second: not making sure that they were there for the proposal.

Needless to say, this upset me, and everyone else there. I couldn't believe my mom would have her husband call to chastise my fiance.

After a couple days of not hearing from them again, I called and tried to find out why she would do something like that. She explained that it was a parent's job to teach children when they have made mistakes, and that my fiance had made mistakes.

I find this offensive considering he is not her husband's child, nor a child at all!

Anyways, this situation created a very large issue, with my mom sending out hurtful emails to large groups. She decided to include my brother, who had nothing to do with it. He and my mother had always been much closer, so I believe she did this to recruit someone to her side.

She has since turned this into a personal vendetta against me, which I believe is fueled by baggage that she is holding onto from the past.

She barely talks to me, has shown no interest in our wedding plans, got upset when shown our engagement photos (said they were too hurtful to look at).

I recently learned from my brother that she will basically write me off if I don't have her walk me down the aisle. I can't do that, I have no connection to her, and I have a great relationship with my father.

Is there some way that I can make sure she doesn't freak out at the wedding? Some other role she could fill? We aren't close at all, and I don't want to pretend that we are for one of the most important days of my life.

TIA

Dear Brie,

Wow.

OK, first things first.

Your "hand in marriage" is your own hand to give away, no one else's. Your boyfriend proposed to you, you accepted, you informed your parents and family. Period.

Mom is way out of line even thinking that you have to go to her or anyone else for permission to marry someone.

Next, she is way out of line for chastising your boyfriend. He is not her child, and he has every right to tell her to go pound sand.

Third, the decision of who escorts a bride down the aisle is that of the bride. It's a very personal decision and is totally up to the brides. She can ask her father, a step-father, grandfather, brother, best friend, her mother, her aunt, her kindergarten teacher. No one has any right telling a bride who she must ask as her escort.

The traditional escort is the bride's father. Assuming the father and daughter have a good relationship, he would be the first person to be considered. You are not being a "bad daughter", you are just being a traditional bride by asking your father.

Now, as for how to deal with Mom.

It's simple: Invite her. Period.

She can accept or decline. Her choice.

If she accepts, great. If she declines, great. Either way, it's her business. Make contingency plans for either option. Similarly, do not include her in any wedding planning. Do not give her any opportunity to screw things up. She has exhibited little or no interest, so far, so just continue on without her.

How can you make sure she doesn't cause a scene? You can't. Period. You can find some muscular friends of yours to drag her out of the room should you so request ("Bubba, Tiny, execute Operation Remove."), but how she acts and what kind of scene she makes is totally up to her.

Repeat after me: The only person whose behavior you are responsible for is your own. Other people act like jerks? Let 'em. Not your problem.

Ignore the emails. She's just stirring up trouble. If anyone asks, just respond "Oh, she's such a Drama Queen.", and change the subject.

The more you let her upset you, the more control she has over you. If you don't get upset, then she has no control.

Thanks for the responses.

I am definitely going to invite her, unless she does something absolutely unbelievable between now and then.

You're right, she will most likely find something else to hate me for, as usual.

I believe that if she doesn't walk me down the aisle, she will see that as a public snub, and will create a scene, or at the very least leave early while making it clear she is unhappy with me.

I've gotten to the point where her varying emotions or grudges don't cause me much stress, but I'd like to avoid it completely on that day.

Can anyone think of some other simple ceremonial task that I could include to make her feel honored? Something symbolic that doesn't fake some sort of closeness between her and I?

I had thought that maybe she could be escorted down the aisle by the best man (my brother), to her seat. My fiance had suggested her walking with the flower girl (my daughter), but I'd rather my daughter gets to do that on her own.

I've got a bit of a drama queen mother myself, so I can understand where you're coming from.

One thing you can do is Thank her in some public way. You'll have to figure out the words to do it. . .something like "Thank you for supporting me growing up" which she did, financially at least. Stick that Thank you on the back of your programs, while singling out some others for Thanks.

Now, I don't really think you have to do this. I'm actually a little against your being manipulated to do anything just for her. But sometimes you do this stuff just to calm the waters as much as you personally feel comfortable with.

But I also have to second what others have said about there being no way to control what she does. I knew my wedding would be an intense time for my mother (she's got baggage, definitely) but we made it through the wedding without indident. But. . .the next day, several people from out of town all met up at the same restaurant for breakfast, and we chatted with our guests before they left. My mother made a dramatic entrance and then started publicly berating me for a perceived slight in our Remembrances section of the program (I'd honored some paternal relatives, but not many maternal ones -- I'd never known them!) and it was definitely mortifying.

Those who witnessed it later asked if I was okay, and made it clear that it was more embarssing for her than for me.

You really can't control these things. You've just got to have a contingency plan.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

Thanks MsDenuninani, I totally agree with you.

I've always been able to stand up to my mom, and I think this is part of why she has such a problem with me.

I'm not about to let her craziness manipulate me, which is why I am steadfast about her not walking me down the aisle.

I think thanking her for raising me (or however I end up wording it) is a good idea. I'll make sure to do that, it should be enough to keep her happy.

I can't believe your mom did that, well, actually I can believe it, it sounds just like my mom. It helps ease the awkwardness when other family members support you like that, glad they had your back.

Hopefully I can appease her sufficiently that she doesn't pull some guilt trip on me like that.
Whatever happens, her bad attitude isn't going to ruin my day, because I know I have a ton of loving supportive people around me. I just really wish that she could see the happiness surrounding my life and enjoy it with us. She's such an unhappy person that it's often a relief when she doesn't come around.

"Is there some way that I can make sure she doesn't freak out at the wedding?"

The only way I can think of would be to not invite her, but you've already decided that you wish to invite her. I have difficulty understanding why you would want to have such a rtoxic person in your life (I know, I know, she's your Mother), but particularly difficult to understand why you would want to encourage a relationship with your children. Would she not be just as toxic and manipulative with them? I would keep her at a distance. Invite her, if you must, but try not to be so needy--she is who she is, and that's not going to change. Sorry you don't have the mother you'd like to have, but don't let her ruin your happy moments.

myra@classysassyweddings.com

Dear 2nd,

"Actually, my own experience is that someone who is a toxic mother will not necessarily be a toxic grandmother. "

There's an old saying.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have a common enemy!

Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate the thoughtful responses.

To be honest, I have been very blunt with my mom when she does things I don't appreciate. There were some very heated phone calls and emails where I told her off, I'm not a shy person that can't lay down the law. I've had to tell her in the past that she could only visit my kids at my house when she wasn't respecting my rules, I definitely told her off when she tried to ruin our engagement day. She doesn't get off easy with me, and I don't let her get away with acting crazy. I've just realized that in certain situations it makes it easier on everyone else to make sure that she doesn't get cranky.

On certain days I would like nothing more than to completely cut her out of our life. I realize that it may come to that, but it would be very difficult. My children are extremely attached to my mom, they love going to visit her. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that my mom spoils them and doesn't have a lot of rules at her house.

I like that quote about grandchildren and grandparents having a common enemy heheh I can see how that could be true sometimes. Fortunately my children and I still have a great relationship, one that I plan to maintain.

Here's a question: Do you think having her read this thread could be a good thing? I thought that maybe seeing the opinions of people who are completely neutral might give her a little perspective.

Thanks for the book recommendation, I'll check that out.