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Am I being a bridezilla?

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Nmahoney82 Posts : 23 Registered: 5/19/10
Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 12:16 AM

Ok, I'm not really sure if i'm being overly dramatic or if i have a right to be upset. I've been engage for over two months now, church and recpt. hall booked for July 30th 2011. A close friend of mine just got engaged yesteray, and they set their date for the 23rd of July. Ok, irritating but Ok. well, since i've literally grown up with this girl, we have some of the same brides maids, so many mutual friends, and not to mention we're going to eachother's weddings. if it was me, i would have planned my date for at least two weeks away from hers as to not a. put my bridesmaids in a bad spot since they live out of state b. allow our friends "breathing room" between our weddings and c. allow her, her special date and i could have mine.

my apologies for my poor spelling. it's really late here and i'm so irritated and cant sleep.

thanks!

michigan , july_2011
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 12:36 AM Go to message in response to: Nmahoney82

Dear NM,

You have a right to any emotions you might be feeling. Within the privacy of your own mind, you can be as upset as you like. Punch the pillows in your bedroom, imagine horrid things happening at her wedding, make faces in the mirror, throw darts at her photo.

Once you go out in public, you have to pretend this doesn't matter to you. The world will tell you "You get one day." One day. That's your day. Other people you know will get engaged and married before and after your one day, and that's no business of yours.

You can think all the bridezilla thoughts as you like, so long as you don't act like a bridezilla in public. Telling another bride that she cannot have the date she wants (so long as it's not the exact same day as yours) is a bridezilla act.

People have already promised to be at your wedding. If they can't be at both, they will decline her invitation. Go ahead with your plans and let the chips fall where they may. If you put on a brave public face, no one will criticize you. They might criticize her for picking such a bad date. Let them. You stay, serenely, above all that.

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Nmahoney82 Posts : 23 Registered: 5/19/10
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 12:49 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thank you so much. I know sometimes I can be dramatic, so I was curious as to if I should say something or not. I mean, that's still a crappy thing to do to a friend in my opinion. I would never plan my date so close to someone i care about. But you're right, I need to keep my mouth shut.

Thank you!

july_2011 , michigan
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agd1017 Posts : 464 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 1:45 AM Go to message in response to: Nmahoney82

Do not say a word to anyone besides maybe your FH. There is no reason to, and it may cause more problems than you care to bring on. Maybe July 23rd had special meaning to her. Maybe not. Who knows.

I believe it is AOTB (who just commented) that says something along the lines of "There is a difference between Private Thoughts and Public Expression. I absolutely love this and have talked about "in real life" often. Your Private Thought may be "Ugh I am so mad at her for choosing a date so close to mine! I hope her wedding turns out to be a disaster." Your Public Expression would be "Congratulations! I'm so glad we have the next year to spend together making plans!" Or whatever. See?

Amanda and Eric
10/10/10

Amanda and Eric

 

michigan , july_2011 , october_2010 , iowa
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 7:00 AM Go to message in response to: agd1017

Dear AGD,

Exactly. There's a vast difference between Private Thoughts and Public Expression.

Consider it good training for marriage and (perhaps) childrearing.

(I wish I could take that X-Box and throw it in the trash.)

"Honey, are you enjoying your game?"

(If that kid barfs on the couch, again, I will go absolutely crazy.)

"Sweetheart, don't you think you'd be more comfortable in bed?"

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 7:04 AM Go to message in response to: Nmahoney82

Dear NMA,

" I mean, that's still a crappy thing to do to a friend in my opinion"

Sure, it's a crappy thing to do. I agree.

There may be some incredibly good reason why she needs that particular time of the year, or she just might be insecure and feel better if she copycats. Besides, summer is a popular time to get married, what with school vacations, etc.

As I said, other people are already committed to you. She may very well change her mind when she hears stuff like "Oh, gee, I don't know if I will be able to attend your wedding. I'm already set to go to Michigan just a week later for NMA's wedding."

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Nmahoney82 Posts : 23 Registered: 5/19/10
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 11:40 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride



I talked to a mutual friend of ours (who is standing in both
our weddings) and got some info. The reason they chose that date is because
they liked the end of July. The reason I chose mine is I wanted a summer
wedding, but I can't take time off in June or May because of my work
schedule. I explained to the mutual
friend that I have my honeymoon booked, hotels booked for the bachelorette
party which is on the 23rd, my church and reception hall booked. Also,
I've purchased my "beach" style wedding dress I'm afraid won't look good at the
end of August which is the only other time we can do a wedding . yes I can keep
my wedding date, but I'm afraid that might be too much stress to put on our
mutual bridesmaids, our mutual wedding guests and such. I don't expect lavish
wedding gifts from anyone who attends my wedding, but guess will feel obligated
to bring a gift to both our weddings. I think it's too much to ask of these
people. So I think I'm going to move my date and pray my reception hall is free
for the end of August, and pray Michigan Mother nature doesn't turn the leaves.
I wanted her at my wedding, but she will be at her honeymoon. And I don't want
to ask my bridesmaids to choose between her wedding and my bachelorette party.
And yes, this might be childish, but I'm going to say it...it's her second
wedding, this is my first.



I still feel that since I formally announced my engagement
months ago, and the date, she should have come to me and said something. Maybe then
I wouldn't have been so attached to the date, and I wouldn't have spent so much
money booking things.



I'm probably just being a spoiled brat. But I am so
offended.

july_2011 , michigan
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Nmahoney82 Posts : 23 Registered: 5/19/10
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 11:42 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

auntofthebride wrote:Dear AGD,

Exactly. There's a vast difference between Private Thoughts and Public Expression.

Consider it good training for marriage and (perhaps) childrearing.

(I wish I could take that X-Box and throw it in the trash.)

"Honey, are you enjoying your game?"

(If that kid barfs on the couch, again, I will go absolutely crazy.)

"Sweetheart, don't you think you'd be more comfortable in bed?"




LOL that is amazing. I've almost mastered it (as much as a mother can I suppose) with my FH and children, but man keeping my mouth shut is becoming increasingly difficult with the public.

michigan , july_2011
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 12:57 PM Go to message in response to: Nmahoney82

Dear NMA,

You can certainly move your wedding date if you like, but I'll give you my personal opinion.

Don't. Just say "no no no".

You are already booked, the date is already announced, people have already made plans. You are inconveniencing people by suddenly changing to a new day just because you don't want to inconvenience people.

That's nuts.

Your people are already committed to your wedding. They will be there. The other wedding will be the one that gets the short end of the stick.

You are not being a spoiled brat. You are offended, and rightly so. But, there's nothing you can do about the other wedding. The only thing you can do is carry on with your plans and let people make up their own minds about what kind of gift, their attendance, whatever.

I urge you in the strongest way I know to stick with your original plan. Besides, the other couple are recently engaged. They could very well change their minds between now and then.

***

I'm going through a similar sort of thing, right now, with my 83-year old mother-in-law. She has been invited to visit her niece (my husband's cousin) as a surprise for the niece's mother, MIL's sister. It is a quick trip, one overnight, fly up fly back 1 hour flight non-stop with my husband accompanying her. It's a no-brainer.

But, you'd think my MIL was asked to go for a winter in Antarctica, for all the fuss and worry. She doesn't want to stay with her niece (who has a lovely house and plenty of room) for fear of being "too much a bother". She's afraid it's too much a bother for my husband, who is retired, to take a day out of his "busy" (ha ha) schedule to go with her.

My MIL is so worried about other people that she has actually become a problem! I have spent, literally, hours on the phone with her assuring her that her niece will not at all be bothered by her visit, that my husband knows exactly what the TSA expects, etc. She hasn't been on an airplane for 20 years, and flew for the very first time in her life to MY wedding, 34 years ago.

In other words, it's making me nuts. It's making my husband's cousin nuts. We wish she would just take us at our word that it will all be OK.

If you fuss and worry about your wedding date and putting too much "stress" on your bridesmaids and invited guests, THAT WILL MAKE THEM NUTS. You have a date, you have everything booked, people have their own plans (work time off, etc), so stick with your date.

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SarahSarah Posts : 93 Registered: 10/9/09
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 1:34 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

It is true that you 'only get one day', but I worry that this would be difficult on guests that are invited to both, and to the bridesmaids that are in both of the weddings.

Will the b-maids be able to afford to be in both weddings? That would be two dresses, two pairs of shoes, hair/makeup, etc...

And for the same guests - thats double the showers, double the gifts, etc...

I had to attends weddings a week apart once just as a guest, and I was broke! I attended both showers, bachlorette parties and receptions. It was just hard financially on me buying 6 gifts in a short amount of time, even in my price range.

My friend and I are getting married 3 months apart, and are each others MOH, and we both realize that it is going to impact us - by having to set aside money to be each others b-maids, and having to juggle planning all of this at the same time. We are both determined though to help each other out - she will need me more than her though, she is going pretty traditional, and I'm just having a cocktail reception.

I would suggest talking to your friend, maybe she is worried about it as well. To give a positive spin on it, you could have a double bachlorette party, or if you have similar taste, help plan your weddings together. It could be a chance to bond together!

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Nmahoney82 Posts : 23 Registered: 5/19/10
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 4:20 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

Sarah, that is my main concern. Aside from HOW are people going to get babysitters for both weddings a week apart, and bacehlorette parties, bridal showers, etc. It's too much stress to put on even three guests in my opinion. I would rather move mine to accomidate the guests and bridesmaids than put people in an even tougher situation. And I understand that "it's not a race" as to who got engaged first, but in all honesty if she HAD been engaged first then I would have moved my date. She said she already booked the hall. Great, so did I, and the church, and the hotels for the bachelorette party, AND bought my SUMMER wedding dress. I swear, i should just go get married in a freaking court house to avoid all the crap.

july_2011 , michigan
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Nmahoney82 Posts : 23 Registered: 5/19/10
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 4:21 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

OH Aunt, I don't even have words for your situation aside from old people are nuts? LOL

michigan , july_2011
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ElleNChuck Posts : 50 Registered: 6/10/10
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 5:21 PM Go to message in response to: Nmahoney82

I'm glad that you are trying to be considerate of friends and family, but you picked your date first. PLEASE please please don't change it!!!!!

september_2012 , michigan , july_2011 , virginia
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 6:40 PM Go to message in response to: Nmahoney82

Dear NM,

"Aside from HOW are people going to get babysitters for both weddings a week apart, and bacehlorette parties, bridal showers, etc. It's too much stress to put on even three guests in my opinion."

The source of the stress is the other bride. She's the one creating the problem, not you. She's the one who should solve the problem.

You are assuming that "everyone" will get babysitters, buy gifts, etc. Anyone for whom that is an issue will just skip the other wedding.

There is NO reason for you to go through the stress and hassle of changing all your plans.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Am I being a bridezilla?
Posted: Jun 25, 2010 6:44 PM Go to message in response to: SarahSarah

Dear Sarah,

"It is true that you 'only get one day', but I worry that this would be difficult on guests that are invited to both, and to the bridesmaids that are in both of the weddings."

That is not the problem of Bride #1 if Bride #2 picks a date very close to #1's date.

If I had difficulty attending (and paying associated costs) two back-to-back weddings, then I would just tell the second person that I already have plans, and thus cannot attend her wedding. Period.

Don't make other peoples' problems your problems.

A date has been set, plans have been made, vendors have been booked.

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