Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??

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jmd22 Posts : 125 Registered: 7/17/08
Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 15, 2010 2:04 PM

Over the weekend, I just had to fire a SECOND bridesmaid! This is gonna be long, sorry, but I really need to vent.....

The first one was back in February- an old friend that I had grown apart from, but still asked her to be a bridesmaid- she was extremely jealous that I was getting married before her and lashed out in weird ways, including talking to one of my fiance's groomsmen and basically telling him crazy lies about things that myself and a few of my bridesmaids were supposedly saying about him, and some other people in the wedding party. It was nuts- because none of the stuff she was saying was true, and I don't know if she was just trying to stir up a problem because she was jealous, or what. But I confronted her about it and we got in a huge fight and I had to ask her to step down as a bridesmaid.

Now, this second story is even better- this past weekend, all of my bridesmaids and I went to Las Vegas for my bachelorette party. Not all of my girls get along perfectly, so I was hoping that we weren't going to have any problems, but I thought that everyone could probably put their own issues aside and have fun together for two nights. The first night, everyone had a great time- no issues. Then the second night, we were all out at a bar, and when we went to leave, one of my bridesmaids didn't want to leave with us- because she was talking to this guy- and then proceeded to start making out with him. This bridesmaid, by the way, has been in a serious relationship with an awesome guy for the past year, and they have been talking about getting married themselves. We all tried to convince her to leave with us, and telling her that she was screwing up her relationship and reminding her that she had a great guy at home waiting for her--but she wouldn't listen to us and took off with this guy.

Now, all of us were really worried about our friend taking off with some random guy, but there was nothing we could do about it at that point, so we all went back to our hotel. We had two adjoining rooms, so once we got back, we were all just hanging out in our PJs waiting for her to get back. About an hour after we got back to the hotel, the doors opens, and she comes walking in--with the random dude!! All of us are kinda half dressed, in pajamas, or underwear, whatever- and now there's some strange guy in our room- not cool!!

One of my other bridesmaids gets up and tells him to leave and then gets pissed and starts asking bridesmaid #1 what the hell she is thinking--why she's cheating on her boyfriend, and tells her that she's basically just being a piece of crap. Ok, so here's where it gets crazy- bridesmaid #1- FREAKS OUT, like completely loses her mind and starts screaming at the top of her lungs about how she can do whatever the hell she wants, and that we can all just F-off and mind our own business, and then she starts picking up stuff off of the table and throwing it at the other bridesmaid and calling her a white-trash POS and all kind of other crazy obscenities. I stepped in the middle of the two of them and told her to calm down and she turns away to go back into the other adjoining room- well when she gets to the door, she takes it and slams it open--so hard that the handle of the door went THRU THE WALL!! It was the most ridiculous and insane thing I have ever seen. The girl needs some serious mental help and anger management.

So to wrap this crazy story up- she went from being in a complete rage, to uncontrollable crying, then packed her bags and took a cab to the airport. She now claims she doesn't remember anything that happened (Total BS, by the way). After that scene, I told her that for obvious reasons, she was no longer welcome at our wedding. Whew. It felt good to write all that out, haha.

It's just really crazy- both of those girls I have been friends with for more than 10 years- and I can't believe everything that's happened in the past few months. I guess it's true that weddings can bring out both the best and the worst in people! Anyway, I just had to vent- so if you're still reading this, thanks, and just be glad that your bridesmaids aren't as crazy as mine!!

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August28th Posts : 153 Registered: 1/28/09
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 15, 2010 8:03 PM Go to message in response to: jmd22

Wow, maybe you should find some different friends! While I was reading your post I was thinking that something was probably off with your 2nd BM (duh, right). Maybe she and her supposedly awesome boyfriend aren't doing too well; maybe their relationship is rocky. On top of that she may be jealous of you and your upcoming wedding, could be her BF isn't wanting to get married and she is... there's any number of possibilities.

She was more than likely drunk and possibly stressed (who knows what's going on in her life) and was releasing that by making out with a stranger. I don't excuse her actions at all. Cheating is wrong. She probably just wanted everyone to butt out of her business. Yes, she was making a mistake, but she's a big girl. She knew what she was doing and the consequences that would follow. She didn't care, and was tired of you trying to talk her out of it.

She did make mistakes that night, but it sounds like no one really took the time to find out what was causing her to make these choices and fly off the handle like she did. Does she have any chemical imbalance: depression, bipolar, anxiety, etc? Do you know what is happening in her life with her boyfriend/at work/with her family/financially? She may be going through something that you know nothing about.

I would've suggested you talk to her face to face and find out what is going on and offered to be her friend--it sounds like she needs one. You should've gotten to the bottom of her issues before kicking her out of your WP (it sounds pretty cold to me) and then possibly given her the choice to back out or stay in. Or you could've put her on WP "probation" and said, "one more incident and you're out". But what's done is done, I hope that you are still able to be friends with her and that she gets help if she needs it. Hope the rest of your WP sticks around til your wedding!

True love is like a ghost which many talk about but few have ever seen.

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jmd22 Posts : 125 Registered: 7/17/08
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 15, 2010 10:56 PM Go to message in response to: August28th

Well, there is a lot more to the story than everything I typed out- I just didn't want to bore everyone who was reading this, haha. She is having some personal issues (business/family stuff) which I totally understand and feel badly for her, but the thing that really pushed me over the edge was the violence. She charged the other bridesmaid, picked up stuff off of the desk and was throwing it at her- and hit her in the face with something she threw- she had a big welt on her forehead- she pushed both myself and another bridesmaid when we tried to step in and calm her down- and then breaking of the door. Plus she was screaming really mean and hurtful things at all of us.

She has always had a really bad temper, but I never thought she'd unleash it on any of her friends. Both her and her poor boyfriend were supposed to be coming to the wedding (it's a destination wedding) and they were going to be staying in a house with the rest of the wedding party. I just couldn't do that to the other girls who were there- it wouldn't be fair to any of them to have them take time out of their lives to come to our wedding, and then put them in a super uncomfortable situation with this angry, violent girl who they are all now totally scared of. And, our wedding is in less than 3 weeks, so it's not like there's a lot of time for all of this to blow over.

It's an unfortunate situation- but it is what it is. I'm just tired of dealing with the crazy!!

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Rin2313 Posts : 15 Registered: 5/3/10
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 11:15 AM Go to message in response to: jmd22

I haven't asked/announced my wedding party yet because of this very thing! When my sister got married, she had such major bridal party drama. I was the only one who made it all the way through the planning! She originally asked one of her sister in laws in an effort to smooth some ruffled feathers, but that didn't work out. Then she asked a good friend from high school and a good friend from work. The friend from work helped out a bit and then literally disappeared from my sister's life! She had to call her and ask her if she still wanted to be in the wedding and the girl never even responded. So my sister asked another hometown friend. The two friends who were in the wedding ended up in a fight (they were roommates) that ended in one of them saying nasty things about my sister. So, needless to say, my sister asked the one friend to step down.

So you are not alone!!!

So when I got engaged, my sister almost immediately told me to wait to announce the wedding party until closer to the wedding.

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usfbeachbum Posts : 27 Registered: 6/6/10
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 12:54 PM Go to message in response to: Rin2313

Rin,

When did you announce the wedding party?


I am kind of in the same situation. I didn't want to officially ask anyone to be a BM, but it seems like everyone kind of assumed they would be. I couldnt say no, so now I'm stuck with about ten girls that want to be in the wedding and I don't know that I can turn any of them down. The funny thing is, I'm having problems with the ONE i did ask, and I'm debating what to do about that. I feel like she no longer deserves the honor of being a BM. Anyhow,

The wedding is next May when would be a good time to officially ask?

And what should i tell the ones that assumed they'd be in the wedding?

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NicksBride4Ever Posts : 4 Registered: 5/27/10
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 1:00 PM Go to message in response to: Rin2313

I had to go through the hassle of firing a BM. I asked one of my oldest friends to be a maid (although she hasn't always been the greatest friend, which should have been my first warning) but she was my oldest. Unfortunately, shes chronically flaky, unreliable, and totally selfish.
I tried to include her in things, tried to get together just to hang out, and she would always say yes she'd be there, then last minute decide she can't come because she was either hungover, or some other lame excuse. I just got tired of her Bulls**t and told her she was just not a reliable person and that I thought it was best if she wasn't in the wedding, for the sake of retaining any of what was left of our "friendship". She was a little ticked, but I felt I made the right decision. I ultimately invited her to the wedding, and would have understood if she didn't want to come. I told her I'm sorry that out friendship was on the rocks but she needs to realize tha she's never treated me with the same respect I had always given her, we talked it out and I thought it would be fine.
So she came to the wedding ( dressed in the sluttiest dress ever worn to a wedding) and proceeded during the reception to mock everything, saying she was glad she wasn't in the wedding( the bitterness tells me different) talking smack about me the whole time. Another friend of mine wanted to smack her out but didnt want to cause a scene. But everyone within earshot was disgusted with her behaviour.
Once I found out about all this I called her to confront her, and asked how she could sit there and mock me on what was the best day of my life. I told her I invited her to try and save what was left, but the effort was wasted, and if she had felt the way she did then she should have declined my invite. She denied it, and started into me about me not being a good friend either because I hadn't invited all our old friends ( ridiculous argument) WAS SHE PAYING? nope, I had a budget, but thats beside the point.
Needless to say, I have cut her out of my life completely, and don't feel bad about it, probably should have done it years ago, but I had always kind of let myself be a doormat for her.

Sidenote: another good friend of mine didn't get asked because she NEVER made time for me, but I always made the effort to see her, so I didn't ask her, and asked someone I had just recently became close to , because sadly, even after only knowing her for a little under a year, she was a better friend then all me old friends put together. When my old friend asked why she didnt get asked after I fired my first girl, I told her: one=- I didnt feel we were as close as we used to be, plus you never made the time to see me when you knew i made an effort for you, and two: she told me she wasnt even sure she could make it to the wedding. She did, but at the time when I was choosing maids, I felt she might let me down too. The new close friend actually ended up being my most involved, reliable happy maid at the wedding, even more helpful than my own sister...and my husbands sister was also a rockstar bridesmaid.
I'm rambling...but it does feel good to rant sometimes...I definetely agree with waiting to choose your maids, it may save alot of hassle...but not too long..I work at a bridal store, and if you have to order maids dresses, you need to leave enough time for that, and Ive witnessed friends before who had picked out large partys, to have a fallout with one of them after dresses are ordered, then having to find a replacement maid that fits the dress, not one that she is close to, I don't think that's what a maids party is supposed to be about.

Good luck to all brides with maids issues!
I found the man of my dreams, and he's even better in person! <3

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 2:38 PM Go to message in response to: jmd22

Wow, you sure can pick 'em!! Unstable personalities + alcohol + Vegas = chaos. To others who have not yet selected your parties--wait as long as you can before choosing anyone, then choose very carefully. Try to select people who are at least mentally stable!
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 16, 2010 4:28 PM Go to message in response to: jmd22

Alcohol can do weird things to people, especially when they're angry, stressed out, or unhappy over something else. I know I can't drink if I'm pissed off about something because it WILL come out if I'm drunk - and it will come out in ways I would never expect from myself.

I'm not saying that that is any excuse for her, but have you considered the possibility that there's something seriously wrong? If she's not normally a drinker, the fact that she got that drunk and behaved so recklessly would be a major red flag for me. If she is normally a drinker and this is incredibly uncharacteristic behavior for her, I'd also be pretty concerned. I'm not saying that you should invite her back into your WP, but it sounds like there's something wrong and if I were in your shoes, I'd be concerned. For all you know, the guy could have drugged her or something. That would explain uncharacteristic behavior and loss of memory. That would be my biggest concern if a friend was out in public and started behaving that way. I would talk to her. Of course, if she has a history of drama, then that's probably all it was.


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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 17, 2010 9:02 AM Go to message in response to: Rin2313

Rin,

We got engaged last Summer, but I only picked my wedding party in January/February for our September wedding. I'd say waiting until 8-9mths ahead is a good idea. You want to pick early enough to give time to pick and order dresses, but not too early. And if anyone boldfacedly asks to be in the wedding party, just say "FH and I haven't made those decisions yet" and use a tone that let's the person know they're rude for asking.

You'll discover in wedding planning that people, otherwise normal people, will lose their minds and act in ways you'd never expect (as in this lovely story). So start practice standing up for yourself and putting people (politely) in their place. It'll be a good skill throughout this process and in life in general!

 

 

~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

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jmd22 Posts : 125 Registered: 7/17/08
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 17, 2010 1:29 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Unfortunately, this behavior was not that much of a stretch for her. She has a REALLY bad temper, and I have seen her flare up pretty good before, especially while drinking, but I just never thought that it would be directed at myself or my/our friends. I do feel bad for her, because I know that she is having some issues right now, but it's just not an excuse for that kind of behavior. I do want to try to give her another chance, but it will have to be after the wedding. It just wouldn't be fair to everyone else in the wedding party to make them have to deal with this super awkward situation at our destination wedding--plus, who's to say that it wouldn't happen again?

Oh, and on the "memory loss" thing- she claims that she doesn't remember saying the things she said, or getting so violent- however- I am calling BS on that, because she somehow remembers everything that happened or was said just minutes after the incident. I think that she is just trying to make excuses for her crazy behavior.

It's kinda funny though, looking back now- both of the girls that I have lost as bridesmaids were both friends that I had known for years- we were close when we were younger, but had grown apart as adults. Also, both of them were always a little on the odd/crazy side, and none of my other friends, or my family, really liked them. I was always having to defend them, and stick up for them, because I really believed that although they could be pretty crazy and irrational at times, that deep down they were really good people, and good friends. Maybe this is a pretty big clue that I was wrong all along. It's sad to think that, but at least the silver lining to all this drama is that somehow the universe is weeding the bad, crazy people out of my life!

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 18, 2010 12:10 PM Go to message in response to: jmd22

I believe your bridesmaid when she said that she doesn't remember anything that happened that night. You know why? ALCOHOL is an awful thing and makes you do crazy things that you don't remember. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I would have kicked her our of the wedding party for sure. Who knows how crazy she would get at the actual wedding. I hate alcohol!

 

                           
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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 18, 2010 12:25 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Cheetah, alcohol isn't evil. I rather enjoy a nice glass of wine from time to time. But what is horrible about it is that people abuse alcohol and also use it as an excuse to behave badly.

If you're drinking and still able to pack a bag, take a taxi, and get on a plane (btw, airlines don't usually let you fly if they think you're too drunk)...you're reasonably in control of your faculties and IMO can definitely be held accountable for your actions. Jaime Foxx got it wrong, don't blame it on the alcohol

 

 

~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

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jmd22 Posts : 125 Registered: 7/17/08
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 18, 2010 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: Agape14

Yes, I agree- that is what I said too- she claims that she was SOOOOO drunk that she didn't remember what happened, yet still managed to pack all her stuff, left a note and money for the hotel on the table, got a taxi and arranged a flight home--I call BS! It's just ridiculous. In the days since all this drama, the story is becoming better and better, haha. My fiance and his buddies were all out in Vegas that same weekend, and he said that all the boys are a little jealous of our crazy Vegas story, haha! It's still sad, but at this point, all I can do is laugh....

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 18, 2010 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: Agape14

Cheetah, alcohol isn't evil. I rather enjoy a nice glass of wine from
time to time. But what is horrible about it is that people abuse alcohol
and also use it as an excuse to behave badly.

If you're drinking and still able to pack a bag, take a taxi, and get on
a plane (btw, airlines don't usually let you fly if they think you're
too drunk)...you're reasonably in control of your faculties and IMO can
definitely be held accountable for your actions.

I'm 100% with Agape on this - and I've been around plenty of people who can't drink responsibly. One 'friend' recently had this issue repeatedly - and she's no longer invited to our get togethers, etc. I felt bad for her with her divorce but she continues to engage in the destructive behavior that got her there - so I cut her out of my life.

Also if the chick in question remembered everything right before she was throwing crap and right after (as the OP has indicated in following posts) - then I'm with the OP on calling BS on her not remembering the 'throwing crap' part of the evening.

 

 

 

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Who else has had to fire bridesmaids??
Posted: Jun 18, 2010 1:22 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

RIght with agape and pharm on this. I was married to an alcoholic for years, and it is completely different around people who do control their drinking and drink responsibly. DH and I both do, but that means a couple drinks generally, a glass of wine in the hot tub, a rum punch out on the deck, NOT a case and a binge weekend drinking as much as possible. Also, my ex would always try to excuse his crappy behavior with the i was drunk excuse. However, he had crappy behavior sober OR drunk, and from what hte OP describes, so does this girl. Temper tantrums on other occasions. And, if you do have a blackout, you blackout more than just the portion of behavior that included the bad behavior. I completely agree what she said was BS. And, it isn't the alcohol that's the problem rather it's people using it who cannot control their behavior, or choose not to. Not all people who behave poorly when drunk are alcoholics, after all, some of them just behave badly and would prefer to excuse that with a BS reason rather than taking responsibility for their underlying personality and behavioral problems. Those problems exist with or without alcohol. Sometimes using alcohol can exacerbate them, but that is no excuse. It's like someone above pointed out, if you know you behave poorly when you are angry and then drink, then don't drink when you are already angry.

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