Trouble with parents

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RebeccaFazzio Posts : 323 Registered: 10/28/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:13 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Cyndi: Excellent catch! That is so very amusing.
27000_357855012861_529642861_3534868_1049818_n

To love another person is to see the face of God.

http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RebeccaIngram&ScottFazzio

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:14 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

Mindy,

I'm glad you don't blame your nephew. And, I know my post was harsh, but that is the advantage of asking here. You know Fairy/spl, where people's opinions don't matter other than hearing their perspectives before you make a fool out of yourself infront of those people whose opinons DO matter.

I can also tell you that if someone wanted me to love my grandbabies less, I would be pretty offended and upset with them.

You see your family far more than we see ours. THat tends to change as you get older and have your own family. Although you can drive distances with toddlers, it is difficult and more difficult for grandparents. We are older than the parents and it is more tiring than it was in our 20s. (Fairy/spl, I"m 40 by the way, but you're only a decade off since you guessed 50).

So, when we take the grandbabies any distance like that, it is tiring and it is easier not to. We will sometimes, but it's easier to let the traveling fall to mom and dad and just enjoy them here at our house.

And, you're really going to need to talk with your mom and ask her when you can spend some time together, because as you've already said, she has good or not good days/moods. First grandbabies (and all grandbabies) are thrilling, and DO take a lot of our time.

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DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:20 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Cyndi - don't apologize for your first post...I knew what I was getting myself into when I posted my vent, lol. I pretty much knew that some people would think I'm acting like I'm the 3 year old, and others would see where I was coming from.

No way would I ever ask my parents to love my nephew less. This probably sounds really stupid but I'm sure you've heard the whole thing where "your heart will grow as big as it needs to in order to love everyone you want to" in your life...or something like that. So I guess I wasnt expecting anything to change..I was expecting all of us to just "add" my nephew into our hearts...but I guess he is a lot cuter and more entertaining than I am. Haha.

I am continually grateful for my nephew, and he's been a blessing not only because he was born, but because he brought my brother and I a lot closer. Before my nephew was born, my brother and I would hardly ever talk...we would see each other at Easter and Christmas and that was pretty much it. Now there is an open flow of communication and we talk on the phone much, much more often.

I guess my mother and I just don't get along very well naturally and I have a hard time dealing with that, still! It just makes me very sad.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:25 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

Mindy, Oh, I'm not apologizing. :) I am a new grandma, and that is my perspective on the issue.

Take advantage of the new relationship this is allowing you to have with your brother. And, keep venting here rather than in a place you'd regret it.

Your mom may or may not come around. It seems to me that she is who she is and probably won't change much. I also don't think she doesn't love you simply because she is so enamored with her grandson.

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DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:29 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Well at least I know that when I have kids, my parents will be very, very, VERY loving towards them, LOL. They'll probably try to kidnap them forever :-P.

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agd1017 Posts : 464 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:34 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

Honestly I do not think you are overreacting. If my parents were active in my life and then just dropped me like a bad habit when a grandchild came along... yeah it would be a little upsetting. Obviously you love your nephew, and you don't wish he didn't exist. You don't begrudge your parents the time they spend with him. You only wish they would pay SOME attention to you and your life. Right?

Amanda and Eric
10/10/10

Amanda and Eric

 

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DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:35 PM Go to message in response to: agd1017

agd - yes, thats exactly what I was feeling. I think theres resentment issues between my mother and I that havent been worked out, and may never be. We're a very non-confrontational family. We just put a smile on and pretend stuff isn't happening to maintain this stupid "upper-middle-class-nothing-ever-goes-wrong-we-are-the-perfect-family-unit" front.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:41 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

Mindy, I'll say this again. I really would consider counseling for yourself, just to get through the issues you already had (before your nephew came along) with your mom, that you've written about before, and after. I think that would be helpful for you in dealing iwth the insecurity that I sense whenever you write about your mom. Everyone has issues to deal with, and counseling might help you to better deal with the issues revolving around your relationship with your mom, for yourself, instead of being dependent on her potentially changing.

Honestly, I don't think she doesn't love you. She just might not go about it in the way you'd like her to most. Counseling could help YOU deal with that, and be happier, regardless how much time she does or doesn't spend with you or how she talks with you when she does.

"upper-middle-class-nothing-ever-goes-wrong-we-are-the-perfect-family-unit" But it doesn't sound like that's working well for you. Thus, my advice.

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DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:46 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Yes, maybe I'll have to look into that. It would be so nice to just yell and carry on and have someone just listen quietly. I talk to my fiancée about it and since he's obviously on my side about this, he will call my mom a b!tch and stuff...which honestly sets me off as well. I can call my mom names, but I'll be damned if anyone else does, lol.

I've been living my entire life trying to please my mother...which in a way I am grateful for because I ended up being really smart and well behaved and ethical and moral and all of that...not to toot my own horn lol....but at the same time I have all these issues and even as a 26 year old that is completely independent, I find myself making decisions based on what my mom would think, which I don't think is healthy for an adult.

Ohhhhh boy. LOL. sigh

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:54 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

Well, counseling can help you learn to be happy with who you are, as your own person, and resolve how you feel regardless if anything in your mom's behavior changes or not. When we got married we did that for almost a year, and it helped so much with the blended family challenges and continues to help, because we can use the things we learned in counseling always.

I will tell you though, that even in my 30s I sometimes did things based on what my grandparents would think, and I think lots of people consider those things as adults. But if it becomes debilitating, so that's your main/only consideration, then that's a problem. And honestly, if it's something that you don't want to do, then it's a problem.

I am quite sure my kids have called me a B**ch at some point, in private, but that doesn't mean they don't love me. As well, I love every second we get with the babies, but that also doesn't mean I don't love my adult kids. Time and commitments do change though, and as families expand and grow, there is less time to go around individually. Maybe your mom isn't all that great at balancing. Parents are human too, and they are never perfect although sometimes our kids see us as larger than life, we aren't. You love her, and call her a B**ch on occasion, so it stands to reason she loves you, even if she spends more time with her grandson than with you. Or even if...fill in the blanks.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:54 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

I read her first post, and I didn't really see her as being bratty.

1. She is asking for real opinions...and when she was told to grow up, she didn't scream or call names. That's a positive thing.

2. I felt like she was okay with the amusement park ride...the problem was that her mom is calling it the new FAMILY photo. It's not her nephew that she's got an issue with...it's her mother's behaviour. And yeah, allowing for mom to be excited about being a new grandmother is NOT cause for mom to cut someone out of a family photo. I did not get that she was upset about being excluded from the ride. I got that she was hurt because mom posted a photo...and CALLED it the NEW FAMILY PHOTO. There is a huge difference between: Me, Tom, Bill, Suzanne and our grandson Ed and "The New Family Photo"...especially when there was another person sharing that family day with them. Mom could have bought a photo with one of the characters, where all of the people could have stood in it, and called that the new family photo. But she chose to post something else--something where only so many members of the family could be included anyway.

3. A daughter should not have to find out about dad being hospitalized on Facebook because a mother can't seem to remember that she has another child.

4. Sure, I can respect not being able to make dinner that night. Afterall, plans had been made already. However, I do wonder why mom didn't say "I'm sorry dear. I can't this weekend because I've already made plans. But I'd love to celebrate with you next weekend!"


This does sound like someone who was the center of her mother's world until suddenly mom had a new toy. I mean, if my mom went from calling me five times a week (and I was happy to have these calls) to suddenly barely calling me once every other week, I'd be upset too. Yes, the OP is a grown woman who made the decision to move to where she did; however, until momma got her shiny new toy, she was happy to talk to daughter all the time. Now, if daughter doesn't call, there is no communication with her mother.

Mom does have a new toy (grandbaby) and that is exciting. However, mom also needs to respect that she has other children besides her son and the grandbaby. And she might learn to CALL HER FREAKIN DAUGHTER before posting "Joe just got settled into ICU after his surgery" on Facebook.

Sorry Cyndi...I know you're a grandmom with new grandbabies...but I cannot imagine that you would be so focused on cooing at your grandkids that you'd forget to notify your other children that their dad was hospitalized before posting it on Facebook.

This sounds like our OP really needs to have a sit down with mom...because Mom is the one who is causing the problem. A daughter should not lose her mother just because mom became a grandmother. Basically..this IS blatant favoritism of the son over the daughter because the daughter has not had a child.

I pity the nephew when OP has a kid and suddenly grandma has another shiny new toy to show off.... or I pity the OP's child, because the OP doesn't live close enough to be worthy of grandma's attention (by the way...I've been the grandchild who didn't exist...because my parents are military...and my grandparents would have had to make an effort. My mom's parents visited once a year. We visited them once a year. My dad's parents? If we lived more than 2 hours away, we were the only ones who did the visiting. And yeah...out of sight out of mind. My paternal grandmother NEVER remembered my birthday...unless my mom called her to let her know it was coming up. Mom tested this one year, and it ended in tears as my grandmother did not send me so much as a card.)

OP...your feelings are valid. Yeah, in many ways some of them are selfish. However, you do have some valid issues--like finding out about your father's health on FACEBOOK (that's a mom fail...I'm sorry, but it is)

There are other things you can do to address your other issues:

1. Call your mom and ask her when she would be free to come up and celebrate with you and your fiance.

2. Call your mom and ask her if she could schedule a time for you, your FH, your father, her, your brother, his wife, and your nephew to go to Portrait Innovations (or some other studio) and have a family photo made. Portrait innovations is great because you can get so many different poses (Mom and Dad; mom and dad and grandson; brother and wife and nephew; brother and wife; you and FH; everybody; you and FH with Mom and dad; the five of them with mom and dad). Mom is not a mind reader, and I'm sure you don't want to come right out and say "excuse me...yeah, that's a great picture, but did you forget you had a daughter?!" Mom wants a new family photo...try to schedule one

3. Talk to her about how hurt you were to find out on Facebook about your dad being at the hospital and let her know that you really should have been informed of that personally. Don't let her off the hook on this one.

Misty

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DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 7:01 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

CatStandish: Thanks for the reply. You actually brought up a huge worry of mine - I'm very afraid that when I have a child, my parents won't dote on them like they do my nephew, for one reason or another. I've put it out of my mind for now because for me, babies aren't on the "plan" for another 2 years or so...but it's still a fear for me.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 7:07 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

True MIsty. But I have to say, when I read her all upset about not going on the log ride with her mom and then her mom buying that picture, it really, really sounded immature. I post pictures all the time, and they don't all have all family members in them. In fact, they rarely do even when they are from the rare occasions we're all together.

Also, I don't understand being mid 20s and being SO involved with your mom that it would be that upsetting to have a nephew.

However, I also went and read other posts, and I don't think nephew is the issue. At all.

Still, I find it pretty unreasonable to expect that much time. Seeing family 3-4 times a year when you don't live in the same town is pretty darn good. I think the OP is being unreasonable in her expectations based on a need to not feel insecure with her mom.

The one thing I think is valid, is the issue about dad being in the hospital. I find it odd that no one called. not mom, and not brother, no one. That wouldn't happen in our family, so again, I don't think her nephew is the issue.

Since mom isn't changing, I think counseling would be good.

And, it was the stuff in the first post I responded to, later on OP was much more reasonable in discussions. But ya, the first post sounded like a spoiled teenagers tantrum, to me. And yes, that is coming from the perspective of someone who spends a lot of time with her grandbabies and is not going to stop doing that just cause someone else (an adult) feels insecure. But, OP explained and stated she does not wish nephew doesn't exist and does seem to sincerely enjoy him. Thus my opinion changed, but, still think its pretty spoiled to be upset about who's in a log ride photo, and I don't think that's the real issue between OP and her mom anyway. (in otherwords, even if nephew didn't exist, mom and OP would have issues and even if OP talked with mom 5 times a week again, she'd still feel insecure, at least based on her other posts about issues with mom)

OP, please DO look into counseling. You've got no control over what your mom does/doesn't do after you do have kids, and counseling really can help you.

I've got two new grandbabies, I spend WAY more time with one than the other. Her mom is far easier than my grandson's mom. That doesn't mean I love one more than the other. THat means they are different people and one is easier to spend extended time with than the other. THey live in the same town here with us. .She is very jealous, and her perception very skewed.

I say...ridiculous. Still, I've no doubt that she'd post something like the OP's initial post about me. She'll always feel slighted, or that she doesn't get enough from us, or jealous. That's who she is. And, I worry about grandson and his environment, but there is nothing we can do. IF we say anything she interprets as negative, they won't bring him around. So we take what time we can get.

Anyway, who care what photo was taken or how many were taken? Really does it matter? I don't think it should. Take more photos then. She probably wanted one of him on that ride, I've seen them, I've taken them, and we've got several of them.

OP's mom has done a lot for her, but yes they ahve issue. I just don't think the nephew is the cause or the solution.

No, I wouldn't spend so much time "cooing" at the grandbabies that I didn't tell my kids someone was in the hospital. First, I don't "coo" at the babies, and second, I'd have no idea whether or not their dad was in the hospital, but if I did hear, I'd let them know. I don't think there's anything wrong with adoring your babies, or any babies though.

The OP's post/rant sounded much like my oldest daughter sounds with her jealousy, however, OP"s response to me was FAR more mature than any my daughter would have. And no, I wouldn't speak with her like on here, cause this is an anonymous internet message board. However, I don't have much patience for the whiny jealousy thing. And, I don't enage at all on that issue really. In fact, for the first 5 months, I babysat for him almost everyday, while working at hte same time(in my office) and generally, all weekend too, meaning DH and I could never sleep in because we had the grandbaby. Finally, I put my footdown and said, you and your husband have GOT to alternate shifts and decrease the babysitting time. I simply could not keep up with my work plus watch him that much, and we wanted some time on weekends where we weren't babysitting.

So, She instead, threw a fit and started working part time, thus eliminating our babysitting virtually at all. That was not what I told her had to happen for my schedule, but it is her reaction. And, I am equally sure she did not say anything about how much we did for them during that 5 months, but does now complain that we "refuse" to.

I hope someday that changes for my daughter. But until then, no, I'm not going to stop spending time with a grandbaby just cause she might not like it, and I"d be pretty irritated if she suggested I do so. I could spend all the time in the world with my grandson, but whatever I do would never be enough in her mind. After 24 years, I'm very aware of her personality and she has a lot of trouble with jealousy and insecurity, just like OP appears to have.

So, however OP approaches this with her mom, I'd suggest she not turn it into a jealous of the baby issue and rather focus on the problems with her mom in general.


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Edited by: cyndi33 on Jun 13, 2010 5:10 PM
Edited by: cyndi33 on Jun 13, 2010 5:20 PM

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 8:06 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

DNA - I think the one thing I would say is that obviously if you feel the way you feel, BUT I think you do need to step back and re-evaluate that. As Cyndi has pointed out and you've concurred you have a off-relationship if you will with your Mom. It seems that this is definitely a larger issue.

Now would I be a tad hurt about the whole 'new family pic' thing - yeah probably, but I'd also think my Mom just wasn't thinking. The not calling you when your Dad went into the hospital would upset me and I think you should talk to your Mom about it (or maybe you did - I'm not sure).

This makes me think about my Dad. My bro is coming down with his kids next week. One of my friends was like - it's father's day. And I was like, yeah - My bro will have his kids. She said I was thinking of your Dad. I know he has plans with my half sister and her kids - I half jokingly said - his more important g-kids.

Honestly, it is a statement of fact. My Dad makes plans to come visit and he reneges because something came up with my half sis and her kids. At this point I ignore that - I do get upset/frustrated when he throws my bro and HIS kids over for my half sis and her kids because I wish he wasn't SO blatant about it (and they are his g-kids too, so really?). He has NO clue he's doing it, if I confronted him on it he wouldn't realize it. But he's basically trying to make up to my half sis for NOT being in her life most of the time that she was growing up.

Now, we could go up and visit more (we can't stay with him though so we have to get a hotel room which is cost prohibitive) - so I know that there is more I could do and recognize that. But the thing with my half sis's kids to my bro's kids pisses me off. Once we have kids (hopefully) I suppose there could be issues, but as we're further away than everyone else, I'm not that concerned. (I just wish my Dad would get down here and fix something for someone else that he promised to do...but that's another issue - LOL).

Now you sound as though you were closer to your Mom than I was/am my Dad (not that my half sis was close to him before) so I understand that you're taking it harder but things do change and you have to decide how you go about handling it. Having building resentment is NOT ok. I think counseling might be a really good idea (I've done it, trust me, it helped).

For anyone else, 'Don't ask for 'my' opinion and then get pissed when I give it to you.'

 

 

 

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 8:50 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I think Pharm is really touching on something here for you, OP. Part of becoming secure, settled, independent and confident is accepting what things you can't change. Where people have imperfect parents, and I know I did and I know I'm an imperfect parent, there are always issues or occasions where hurt is involved. Sometimes those occasions are rational and deserved, sometimes they are blown up based on previous occasions. I think that is playing into your situation or you probably wouldn't have taken the log ride photo thing as a slight.

I know that my DH's parents, well, his dad, favors his kids over DH's sister's kids. It's obvious, it's pretty blatant, and the sis's kids DO pick up on it. DH's dad is not aware though.

In your situation, don't beg trouble by anticipating your mom will slight your kids. But do be proactive in strengthening yourself and becoming happy with who you are regardless of your relationship with your mom. And, try not to let your emotions control so much with her. Is that easy? No.

Finally, try not to let this all build up to the point where you think your mom doesn't love you. I know you two have had/do have issues, but that's a pretty extreme and I think inaccurate conclusion based on what you've posted.

Also, your dad is passive, sure, but imo no more innocent in the interplay of relationships with kids/siblings than mom. It's a family dynamic and it involves both of them, and you and brother.

That you've been receptive to advice and realize that you've overblown some of this stuff is very positive, and also much more than I can say for my oldest. That should make your work easier for you, (to get to a place where you're content regardless of mom's behavior or your perceptions of her behavior) because nothing changes where no one sees an issue other htan with someone else's behavior. Took me many years to get to that place with myself and my dad, and I don't know if my oldest and I will ever get to that place although I hope so. I'm not going ot be a doormat in the meantime though.

good luck.

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