Trouble with parents

Online Users: 1,356 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 40


DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 5:16 PM

Hi all. This is a bit of a vent-y post but I need to get this off my chest and hopefully get a few opinions on whether my feelings are warrented or if I'm just being a brat. Here we go!

My parents became grandparents 3 years ago when my older brother and his wife had their first child (a boy). At the time of my nephew's birth, my brother and his wife were living in another country so my parents weren't able to be there for the birth. My parents and I first met my nephew when he was 6 weeks old, when we traveled to where they lived for a visit.

About 8 months later, my brother and his family moved back to the USA because my sister-in-law wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and there are much better employment opportunities in the USA for my brother. They lived with my parents for a while, until they got enough $$ to get an apartment. They now live about 15 minutes away from where my parents live, in the same city as where my mother works. My parents see my brother, sister-in-law, and their kid about 4-6 times a week.

I live about 2 - 2.5 hours away from the rest of my family, and have been for about 6 years now.

Now...here's what has been bothering me. At the start, I found that as soon as my parents became grandparents, they pretty much started ignoring me. My mother used to call me about 5 times a week. As soon as my nephew was born, it dropped off to 0-1 calls a week. And when I did talk to her, all she could talk about was my nephew.

I TOTALLY understood why they were acting like this at first. I mean, of course they were SUPER excited that they were grandparents!!! Of course! I was super excited to be an aunt! And I know it was hard on all of us that we were a 7 hour plane ride away from my brother and his family at first. At this point in time, I would brag about my nephew and how cute he was to my friends and laugh and joke that my parents only had the capacity to love 3 people at a time, and when my nephew came along, I got booted out of the love-circle, lol. What I didn't know that as time went on...that statement would feel 110% legitimately TRUE.

My nephew is now 3. He has either lived WITH my parents, or 15 minutes away from them, for about 2 years now. My parents babysit, take him on outings, and spend time "as a family" with my brother, his wife, and my nephew every moment possible. Which is great for them.

I hate to sound selfish, and maybe I am being selfish...but...what about me? I see my parents maybe 3-4 times a YEAR for 1-2 days at a time, and thats only when I drive down to see them. Since my nephew has been around, they never drive up to see me, even though I usually work 6 days a week and it would be great if they made the trip up here once in a while. I even invite them to bring my nephew with them if they want, as there are many, many kid-friendly activities to do around here...more than there are around where they live. But they always say, "That's too long of a drive for him", even though I know for a fact he sits in the car fine for 3+ hours when his parents take him other places.

When I got engaged, I asked them to come up to visit me on a Saturday so we could all go out to dinner to celebrate. My mom's response? "Oh, sorry, we're babysitting that weekend so your brother and sister-in-law can have a date night!". Maybe its just me, but that REALLY bothered me.

It's just a TON of "little things" that occur all the time that has really been bothering me now. My father had to go to the emergency room last week (it ended up just being kidney stones, thank god). You know how I found out about this? My mother posted a Facebook status about it. She called my brother's family to tell them what happened, but I guess it's just too much for her to remember her OTHER child and let ME know my own FATHER was in the HOSPITAL.

Recently we went to an amusement park for my nephew's birthday. There was a log flume ride that both adults and children could go on. It only fit 5 people, so I offered to sit out. Today I see on my mother's Facebook that she bought the picture that the park takes of the log as it goes down the big hill at the end, scanned it and posted it, and is now referring to it as their "new family photo". Keep in mind that while this ride was being taken, I was sitting by myself on a bench waiting for them.

My brother's family is going to visit my sister-in-law's family for 2 months this summer, starting tomorrow. My mom posted on Facebook (I'm really starting to hate Facebook) that she will miss my brother, sisterinlaw, and nephew SOOOOO much and that she doesn't know what she and my dad are going to do for TWO WHOLE MONTHS while they are gone, and she is sooooo sad!!!!

Yet they will go half-a-year without seeing me and they seem to be a-ok with it.

Theres a lot of other things that happen that I dont have the time or space to get into on here.

Maybe it's just me, and maybe I'm just used to being the youngest and getting my share of attention. But while I completely understood this mindset while they were new grandparents and they didnt get to see my nephew very much, I sincerely thought things would go back to "normal" after a year or so. But I guess I was wrong.

I guess I'm hoping for outsiders to read this and let me know what they think, and maybe offer suggestions as to why my parents (especially my mother) are acting like this. I really don't think I did anything to make them not want to spend time with me, so I have no idea what is going on.

I understand that they are obsessed with love for my nephew, but does that have to mean they don't have enough time to love me???

Thanks.

Reply


cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 5:22 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

ah wow. ok, yes you are being totally selfish, and how old are you???

Grandchildren are wonderful, and your parents deserve to spend whatever time they choose with their grandson.

You are, presumably, an adult. Also, presumably, they DID spend time with you while you were growing up, and apparently you wanted that to continue forever. You have to SHARE, you know? And, he's a toddler, you're an adult, I honestly cannot believe the selfishness and whinyness that you are throwing out here.

I will leave this for others who might be more 'understanding' than me. But I suggest you grow up. That your parents don't have time to dote on you doesn't mean they don't love you. wow. I sure hope you don't call your nephew "their kid" around your brother.

I spend as much time as possible with my grandbabies, and will continue to do so for as long as I can. What'd you think, he's like some new toy that people will get sick of in a few weeks???




 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

Reply


cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 5:26 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

I reread your post. GROW UP GROW UP GROW UP. wow.

A picture from an amusement park, and your nephew got to go on the ride with grandma, and you didn't? HOLY CRAP how old are you???

You pay your way to the park? I bet not. Do you go visit your parents?

I would miss my grandbabies too if they were gone for 2 months. get over yourself, grow up, and please for god's sake do NOT have children until you do. You should feel lucky your family spends any time at all with you if this is how you behave, act and talk around them.

Brat isn't the word I'm thinking, but it works. Did you really expect your mom to renige on babysitting cause you called and wanted her to drive TWO TO TWO AND HALF hours to take you out to dinner??? I post pictures of my grandbabies on my facebook page almost every day. IMO, yes, brat isn't what I'd use, but it works well enough.

Edited to add:

I've got two nephews, one is 11 one is 17. BOTH are cherished by me also, and always ahve been from the time they were born. They have both spent time with us, and we visit or they visit when we can. I loved when we were close enough to do this more often. My DH also has nieces and nephews, and remains close, and they are in their 20s now. You are headed down a path of alienating your family, and losing out on a great relationship with your own nephew. Get help and grow up before you do. I cannot fathom being jealous of my brother's sons, my nephews. I definitely cannot imagine my brother (the youngest of us two) feeling any of what you described. He is also close with my kids, and walked my oldest daughter down the aisle.

I guess you will need someone other than me to reply to your post. I'm grateful that my brother is nothing like you.

Proud Member of P.O.O.P., People Offended by Offended People



Edited by: cyndi33 on Jun 13, 2010 3:44 PM

Reply


DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 5:45 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Cyndi - Thanks so much for your reply!

This is the reason I posted - I wanted to get an outsiders opinion on if I just need to get over it and this is normal, or not. I've told a very good, older coworker the same thing and she said my parents were "being ridiculous", so I just wanted a few other opinions.

I guess I just need to get over it and "GROW UP GROW UP GROW UP", as you put it.

Oh, and I did pay my own admission to the park, and I actually paid my nephew's admission, plus I paid for two of the park "characters" (a prince and princess) to bring a birthday cake over to our cabana and sing to my nephew for his birthday. I'm pretty sure he needed a diaper change after that, he was so thrilled, LOL.

I will say I'm still mad that my mother didn't call to let me know that my father had to go to the emergency room. But I suppose thats a different topic altogether.

Thanks again for your reply! :-)

Reply


SPL Posts : 7 Registered: 6/13/10
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 5:47 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

If anyone needs to grow up its you cindi33 your what 50? and feel the need to bash people over the internet? seriously if someone posts "grow up grow up grow up" are you having an e-temper tantrum?

Reply


FairyTaleBride Posts : 52 Registered: 9/20/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 5:52 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

I do not think you are being selfish or need to grow up. I understand it IS hard when people say you are trying to compete for the attention of a 3 year old. I do not believe this to be true. Of course the toddler himself can not affect how anyone treats anyone else. However, I do feel that YOUR own parents should give you some time and concern and love. They made YOU. They raised you and with that decided to love and protect you your WHOLE life, not just until someone has a new baby. I dont think it is fair that they ignore you. Unfortunately I think the best you can expect is to have an adult discussion about your feelings and that your brother and his family is not the only part of this family. They may not respond how you wish and keep on how they are. However, they may realize you do have feelings, GROWN UP feelings at that, and respect you as an adult and as their child. Good luck and do not dismiss your own feelings because someone called you selfish.

Reply


cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 5:53 PM Go to message in response to: SPL

Thanks spl. I'm far from 50, but I'm glad you felt the need to guess my age and somehow suggest I should not be replying to anyone seeing as how I"m over your "age limit". However, I was responding based on a very immature rant by someone who is risking alienating her entire family. I have enjoyed your one post immensely, and appreciate your idiocy. thanks again spl. :) have a nice day.

I bet she'd rather I shout that at her than her family or someone she cares about. It must have gotten to you though, which is really pretty funny.

mindy, that's good to know. But I really hope you work on your jealousy. No good can come of it. Not for you and not for your family.

I would be upset by her not calling too, but you posted before about issues with her. And, it sounds to me like you're shifting the blame onto your nephew.

Proud Member of P.O.O.P., People Offended by Offended People

Reply


SPL Posts : 7 Registered: 6/13/10
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 5:55 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

breath cindy there is life beyond brides.com

Reply


cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 5:57 PM Go to message in response to: FairyTaleBride

Fairytale, they paid her way through school, and they do talk to her they just don't drop their plans to drive 2 and a half hours to dinner when they already had plans. I wonder if you will feel this way when you have kids and then will hope your parents do NOT love their grandbabies and cherish time with them or hope that they suddenly get sick of them once they aren't infants any longer.



 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

Reply


cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 5:58 PM Go to message in response to: SPL

Thanks spl. I didn't know that. I am very grateful that you pointed that out. Why are you so bothered by me? It's amusing. I bothered you enough that you created an account just to reply. hahaha.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

Reply


DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 5:58 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

I really am not "jealous" of my 3 year old nephew. An he's gorgeous and funny to boot, lol! I love him a lot and when he calls me "aunt midgie" my heart melts every time! I guess I wrote my first post in a whirlwind of emotion because I just needed to get it out, so I do apologize if it came across as if I'm blaming a 3 year old for my problems. I really am not.

I guess my problem is that I had no idea so much would change in my family dynamic when my parents became grandparents. It's a very large adjustment to make and I guess I didn't realize the extent of the change until it actually happened.

Reply


FairyTaleBride Posts : 52 Registered: 9/20/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:00 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

I do not believe I was responding to you but the person you PUT DOWN and called selffish. When I have my own kids I KNOW they will be loved and so will I. I know my parents, and his, can love us all because they already have grandkids and we still get attention. It said in her post that they RARELY talk to her anymore and I responded to everything I read. I gave my opinion, as did you, which is what Mindy was asking for. We are entitled to our own opinion and it is her choice to make her own decision. I have nothing more to say to you or anything else you have to say that may be rude. I just htought that Mindy perhaps was not out of bounds with her feelings.

Reply


cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:01 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

Of course life changes when a grandbaby arrives. How could it not? But there is no reason why you have to let that be a negative change.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

Reply


cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:05 PM Go to message in response to: FairyTaleBride

Fairy/spl, she ASKED if she was being a brat. I simply agreed.

Sure, you can disagree but you know what? I can as well. I stand by my opinion, and do not believe that it is unreasonable for grandparents to be thrilled to be grandparents, or for the result ot be that an adult child gets less attention. Plus, the nephew is NOT the only issue with mindy and her mom. Read her other posts.

And, there is no rule that one must only reply to a specific post. I (and anyone else) am free to reply to any post. But thanks for letting me know you "have nothing else to say to me" That's very cute.

Fairy/spl, when creating an alternate identity it is helpful to change your wedding date and let someone post between your post, and alternate identity's post. It is also helpful to not confuse under which identity you are posting. Cute though. :)

Proud Member of P.O.O.P., People Offended by Offended People


Edited by: cyndi33 on Jun 13, 2010 4:08 PM

Reply


DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Trouble with parents
Posted: Jun 13, 2010 6:08 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

This is the main reason I will vent on these boards and not in "real life"....I guess as cyndi33 found, I have vented before. I guess you have to know my mother to know how she is.....she can be the most glorious, lovely, nicest, most comforting person in the world...but if you catch her in a bad mood, she can cut you down farther than you've ever been before with a single statement. She has always been like this..I remember hiding in the hall closet behind our vacuum cleaner when I was 5 years old because she was on one of her "rants". Yet I've always loved her very, very much because, lets face it, we all have our more undesirable personality traits. There was a point in time where I regarded her as my best friend.

I post anonymously on boards such as these because I don't ever "rock the boat" within my own family. Even if I'm feeling like I have been, I don't let anyone know about it because I don't want things to get twisted, and as cyndi said, I don't want to alienate anyone from me, or alienate anyone from myself.

I don't blame my brother, my sister in law, and least of all my nephew for any of this. My dad is soooo passive that I dont blame him for anything because I think he just goes along with my mother whether he wants to or not (LOL).

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine