Urgent! Advice Needed.

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RebeccaFazzio Posts : 323 Registered: 10/28/07
Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 6, 2010 11:08 PM

At a recent get together where many drinks were consumed my best guy friend took me off to the side. There has never been a sexual overtone to our friendship although we are attracted to one another. Here is what was said:

Him: "Is there anything you want to do before you get married?"

Me: "What? What do you mean?"

Him: "Is there anything you want to do before you get married? FH would never have to know."

Me: "I don't know what you mean. Is there anything you want to do before you get married?" (he is not engaged but this entire conversation was odd."

Him: "Your wedding is way before mine. If you think if anything just let me know."

Me: "Okay, I'll think on it."

Later that evening:

Him whispering in my ear: "If you think of ANYTHING, just let me know."

I decided it was drunk talk but this morning (Me, FH, Him, and His girlfriend had gone away for the weekend) when we woke up he (once again when we were alone outside) said: Have you thought of anything yet?

I said, "I don't know what you mean." And that was the end of that because his girlfriend walked outside.

Can anyone give me any advice on what he means? I feel like it was overtly sexual but i'm not sure. What if he meant go bungi jumping? but why would he say "FH would never have to know."?

Help!


27000_357855012861_529642861_3534868_1049818_n

To love another person is to see the face of God.

http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RebeccaIngram&ScottFazzio

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 6, 2010 11:35 PM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

Based on what you have said, I would think that it was meant in a sexual manner.

Therefore, you have to decide on how you want to handle this and proceed from here.

You could chose to ignore it and see if it comes up again. But I think that already happened but you could still chose to ignore it.

Other choice - Tell your guy friend that there is nothing you would do with him or anyone else. (BTW I understand getting flustered, but the "I'll think about it" probably was not the best answer - unless you are.)

You know, there are otherladies on here who approach things better than I do, so hopefully you'll hear from Cat, Art, Kelley, Cyndi and others (like MrsD - sorry I can't get everyone here) who will have some more insight.

 

 

 

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 12:14 AM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

If he brings it up again, tell him in no uncertain terms that you HAVE thought about it, and there is nothing in the world you want to do before you get married that you would not want your FH to know about. And then drop it. However, I'd also be absolutely certain that you do not go anywhere with him alone.

My DH suggests that you give him an item that you'd like to do...but make certain it is something that there is no way he'd ever do and you'd have to really think about something that YOU would want to do that there is no way in HELL he'd ever do.

It is about sex. You're not misreading it. And I'd have been with you about dismissing it as a drunken thing, except that he mentioned it again in the morning AND he dropped it when his girl friend walked out. Because he brought it up again, sober, that means he is seriously thinking about a way to get a freebie in, so to speak.

My advice... bring up the topic of discussion in FRONT of his girlfriend. Afterall....if it is innocent, why should he care that you discuss it in front of her. I mean...if it is bungee jumping, maybe she'd like to go too....and if it is not innocent, she deserves to know what kind of a cad she's dating. And go ahead and tell your FH about it...because he has a right to know, and you certainly do not want him finding out about it from anyone else.

Be honest with him. You were not sure what he meant. You didn't want to make assumptions about it, because he could have meant something innocent...you had been drinking the first time it was brought up. However, you also have two cues that it is not innocent. 1. He said "FH wouldn't have to know" (something that you might not have had red flags flying at when he said it as you too were drunk, but later did) and 2. He dropped the discussion when his girlfriend came out.

And your best guy may have just cost himself an invite to the wedding... I know that ANY woman who seriously hit on MY hubby while we were engaged would not have been invited, and I don't care how close they were before hand. And I also don't care if the invites or save the dates had been mailed. Hers would have been rescinded. Etiquette felony or not on my part, I would feel perfectly justified in committing it due to her behaviour. Prepare for that (sorry).

Misty

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 12:38 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Cat gave great advice - Thanks Cat because I hit a wall. But I wouldn't do as her DH said - I wouldn't even suggest something to do. I'd just say no - no way in hell.

And I'm so with her (and I think I did say that before) - it is sexual, you are not misreading it, and it is so inappropriate.

 

 

 

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RebeccaFazzio Posts : 323 Registered: 10/28/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 1:16 AM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

Hey ladies,

Thanks so much for the advice.

I sent him an email a few minutes ago basically saying that I wasn't sure what he meant by that and we really needed to clear the air and discuss the subtext I felt was there. I also brought up the fact that he mentioned FH not having to know. I said we could discuss it through email or by phone or in person but I really needed to know EXACTLY what he meant.

He called me just a minute ago and said: I completely understand how you could have misinterpreted what I said and I didn't mean to put you in a position like that. I didn't mean it in a scandalous way at all. I was just wondering if there was anything you hadn't done that you might like to do before you go married.

I told him that I understood and that it was okay. I realize now that it wasn't mean in a sexual way. We ended it like that.

We've known each other for over 7 years and we've always been close however we've always been in relationships as well so there could have been a time when we might have dated however that never happened and now that I'm engaged and am going to married in four months there is no way anything will ever happen.

I still feel that it was probably sexual in nature and when he read my reponse he backed off. His girlfriend is one of my bridesmaids and the four of us are extremely close so I really don't want to ruin the amazing friendship we all have. She is going out of town for a week to go to the bahamas and I know he'll be at our house often so I'll see how he acts and behaves.
27000_357855012861_529642861_3534868_1049818_n

To love another person is to see the face of God.

http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RebeccaIngram&ScottFazzio

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 1:27 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

OK, Cat said perfectly all I would tell you. And, his question was totally inappropriate and totally sexual. I would do as Cat suggested, and would be preparecd for your FH not to invite him as a result, and to likely end the friendship. I know my DH would, and I would if the situation were reversed. You have done nothing wrong to this point, but this isn't something I would hide. Ever. He was wrong, and is wrong, and your FH deserves to know and you should not feel guilty. I urge you, do what Cat suggests or someting very similar. Don't let this bs interfere with your relationship with FH.

I've got two daughters about your age, and a son a bit younger. What Cat said is what I would tell any of them.

Proud Member of P.O.O.P., People Offended by Offended People

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 1:40 AM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

I completely understand how you could have misinterpreted what I said
and I didn't mean to put you in a position like that. I didn't mean it
in a scandalous way at all. I was just wondering if there was anything
you hadn't done that you might like to do before you go married.

HE is full of crap and did mean it in a sexual way and was completely wrong. I wish you good luck and urge you to do what Cat said. He's an asshat, sorry, but he is.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 8:08 AM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

Rebecca:

He meant it in a sexual way... evidenced by 1. your FH would not have to know and 2. Discontinuing conversation with his GF walked in on the conversation. If he didn't, he would have not brought it back up sober. If he'd just made the drunken hit on you and only done it the once, I might be inclined to let it slide. However, he made the hit once while drunk, later while still drunk (but probably sobering up), and again the next morning. He was DEAD serious and he meant it exactly the way you interpreted it.

He's backing off now ONLY because you called his sorry ass on it.

I can understand why you don't want to go any farther with it. I understand why you want to let this conversation slide. There are a lot of friendships at stake here -- and understand this -- you are not the one who put those relationships in jeopardy.

How about this: tell your FH...but use it in terms of a friend of yours. "Remember Sally at work? Well, this happened to her and she's trying to figure out how to handle it. Of course, now the guy is saying she misinterepreted it...what do you think?" And then follow your FH's advice. He will probably say she did not misinterpret and the guy is just backpedaling because he found out she would not be interested. And if he says, "Rebecca...she's got to tell her FH." Then look at him and say "I'm Sally....and so and so was the one that said it."

This guy is coming over. You can no longer spend ANY time alone with him, ever. He's proven himself to be an asshat.

Misty

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 9:47 AM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

Dear Rebecca,

The guy made a pass at you. He did it in a "deniable" way. It's up to you whether or not you tell your FH or the guy's girlfriend.

"Mom, I had my hand in the cookie jar purely for the purpose of counting the cookies that are there, not for taking any out."

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 11:36 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Ladies,

I'll add this.

Even after you get married, you have to be prepared for men to make passes at you. They usually do it in a "deniable" way, so if called on it they can say "Hey, I was just joking." or "I didn't mean anything by that.".

It's much like sexual harrassment in the workplace. If you have had sexual harrassment prevention training, you should have been told that "just joking" does not cut it. It's still sexual harrassment in the workplace.

The same holds true in social situations. "Just joking around" doesn't cut it. You need to learn how to shut it off, once and for all.

There are men out there who get their jollies by seducing a married woman. They figure they can have the fun without the committment. You need to cut it off right at the beginning. Learn how to say "Buzz off, Bucko" in decreasing levels of politeness.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 12:24 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

True, AOTB. But this sounds like couples friends, who they spend a lot of time with. I would no longer allow this asshat in my home, and no one claiming to be good friends with my DH better behave that way. I know for certain DH would not, never did, and would not appreciate it though he is not a jealous person, he would be extremely offended by this kind of behavior.

When this happens at work, I do not have to deal with it in my own home, and I would not now excuse this as "guys being guys" behavior. It's quite simply an asshat being an asshat, and I would most definitely call him on it and most likely infront of DH. In otherwords, I'd probably have said something infront of him, and in front of the others, immediately. However, with that also comes the label bit*ch, which in this kind of case I don't mind in the least.

Plus, this was OP's best guy friend, not her FH's. MUCH less deniable this way, because none of the tendency for FH to believe his friend here. This was OP's friend, who has shown himself not to actually be a friend, but a letch who would hit on her infront of both her FH and his GF, and then lie about it when turned down. I loathe guys like this and have zero tolerance.


Proud Member of P.O.O.P., People Offended by Offended People

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Marryingmytruel... Posts : 135 Registered: 2/11/10
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 12:37 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

I agree with you ladies completely.

Rebecca- You didn't take him up on his offer and now he's trying to back out of it. Too late! I would tell your FH about what happened too.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 1:33 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Dear Cyndi,

I totally agree this guy is sleazy. I would drop his so-called friendship, and would tell my husband why.

My issue with the OP is that she seems unconvinced the guy actually made a pass at her. "What if he meant bungee jumping?".

If the guy meant bungee jumping, he would have suggested bungee jumping in front of everyone, her FH and his girlfriend included. ("Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't we all four do something wild and crazy before the wedding, like go bungee jumping together!")

The fact that he took her aside and made the suggestion away from her FH and his girlfriend is a pretty good indication he wanted a "friends with benefits" situation.

The reason I would drop the friendship is that someone like that does not understand the concept of boundaries. Chance are he's always wanted a "friends with benefits" relationship, and her upcoming marriage is putting a permanent stop to that. Thus, he's making one last try before she get married.

The problem is that if he cannot respect boundaries now, he never will. It's further possible that, after marriage, he'll still want the "friends with benefits" relationship, and will continue the occasional pass attempt. This has to be cut off, now, once and for all.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 1:41 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Dear AOTB, Agreed, 100%.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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RebeccaFazzio Posts : 323 Registered: 10/28/07
Re: Urgent! Advice Needed.
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 2:31 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Hey ladies,


You've all given me great advice that I am taking to heart.

Aunt: My first post mentioned bungee jumping but only because we had all been drinking and I was chalking it up to "drunk talk" however after he brought it up again, this time sober, I rethought my original, "Maybe I misunderstood."

Here is where everything is murky for me: He's not this super sexual sleaze bag (at least I didn't think he was) and these comments were not usual for him. He's the absolute last person I would have ever thought would do this.

Also, although we have been friends for an extremely long time he is also very good friends with my FH. He is one of FH's groomsmen. However, FH would definately believe me over him so that isn't an issue.

Another things is the email I sent him went right to his phone and his girlfriend (my bridesmaid) was holding the phone at the time so she read the email and completely jumped to the same conclusion. That he was making a pass at me and it was sexual. He convinced her that it wasn't sexual and everything had been misconstrued.

We saw each other today. (He works at the gym my FH manages) and said he was sorry once again and told me that his girlfriend had read the email and that he had convinced her he didn't mean it the way it sounded and she was okay with it and then he asked if FH knew and not that he would mind if FH did know. Here are his exact words:

"Does FH know...not that I mind if he knows."

I told him that I hadn't told FH and really hadn't expected Girlfriend to find out. (Which she probably wouldn't have it she hadn't read the email.

I'm still confused. I don't know if this was just a HUGE misunderstanding on my part or if he just got caught and is backpedaling.
27000_357855012861_529642861_3534868_1049818_n

To love another person is to see the face of God.

http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RebeccaIngram&ScottFazzio

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